dead poets and drum machines

2009-11-29T01:01:00.001+08:00

MOVED. for now. :)

2009-11-06T11:15:00.002+08:00

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

2009-10-31T23:56:00.000+08:00

I can't take it that there's someone else.

2009-09-27T23:31:00.001+08:00

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...
You and me I can see us dying...are we?

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't tell me cause it hurts!
I know what you're saying
So please stop explaining

Don't speak,
don't speak,
don't speak,
oh I know what you're thinking
And I don't need your reasons
I know you're good,
I know you're good,
I know you're real good
Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la
Don't, Don't, uh-huh Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush
don't tell me tell me cause it hurts
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts

2009-09-26T13:44:00.002+08:00

woke up in September, STEEL.

So Ok. they were NOT kidding when they said life could "flip 180 in a matter of days". While i'm not proud that the only musicians i'm quoting are Green Day and Blue, i'm sure you will approve of the following song.

This is what I look like today
And I'm trying not to pull out my hair
I'm trying how to grow it but I'm far too shy to show it back there
That is probably why I like wearing hats
There's no denying I'm deferring the facts
Avoiding confrontation
Lacks tact in a situation
Behind every line is a lesson yet to learn

But if you ask me
The feeling that I'm feeling is overwhelming
And oh, it goes to show
There's so much to know

I wrote this for my prettiest friend
But while trying not to prove that I care
I was trying not to make all my moves in one motion and scare her away
She can't see she's making me crazy now
I don't believe she knows she's amazing how
She has me holding my breathe
So I'd never guess that I'm a none such unsuitable, suited for her

And if you ask me
The feeling that I'm feeling is complimentery
And oh, it goes to show
The moral of the story is boy loves girl
And so on but the way it unfolds is yet to be told

I know that I should be brave
Even pretty can be seen by the blind
I know that I cannot wait
Until the day we finally learn how to find each other
Redefining open minds

And if you ask me
The feeling that I'm feeling is overjoyed
And it's golden, it goes to show then
The ending of this song should be left alone
And so on 'cause the way it unfolds is yet to be told.

I'm not known for being an optimist, but what is there left but optimism that there's someone else out there for me? Or maybe, yeah, the story hasn't unfolded in full. At least this chapter closes, with a heavy heart no doubt.

I'm thinking of switching blogs. lifejournal seems like a better platform to write on. Should i switch over?

a lesson yet to learn

2009-06-08T21:13:00.000+08:00

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd have known
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed, to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never set foot in my room again
You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I'd survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone

2009-05-05T11:06:00.002+08:00

What i've learnt

sexuality is a social construct
gender roles are irrelevant
direct
run a production
think outside what people say
think for myself
work with other peole
respect authority
play
express myself clearly
take a stand and defend it
good satire
dramatic potential

you have been good to me.

2009-04-17T07:36:00.002+08:00

don't tell anyone

I got 2 postcards in the mail today, which marks a symbolic start to my new project based on post secret.

thank you my encouraging friends! :)

and don't worry. I won't try to guess who's who and where it's from :)

i'll keep you my dirty little secret

2009-03-22T23:46:00.000+08:00

the sky that we look upon

BRILLIANT.

2009-02-05T23:57:00.004+08:00

The movement is the Candidate.

Everyone's been raving about this movie, and I would recommend that anyone who cares about Gay people or has a friend or family member who is gay should watch this film. I am convinced there have been cuts in the Singapore version, but i can't be too sure.

And just to share what i feel, i wrote this in my play production journal not too long ago:

"...I do not believe that Gay people should be entitled to express themselves anymore than Straight people, because the right to free expression is gender and sexuality blind. It is only when expression is repressed that people have to express themselves more obviously to right the injustice being done to their human rights. Given the current repressive situation of Singapore and its stand against the portrayal of Homosexuality, Gay people have cause for becoming more visible in our society, and to fight for what is right for themselves. Gay people do not need to express their sexuality if they do not need to be heard. In any case, what is there to express? The portrayal of stereotypically gendered roles would only serve to advance the cause of the heterosexist agenda, where gay men are “accepted” into society only if they are effiminate, and thus fit in as women in the heterosexual gender matrix. This furthers the alienation of gay men, and further suppresses the qualities that make them human."

If only we had just ONE openly gay politician in Singapore. Just ONE.

My favourite quote: A Homosexual With Power ... that's Scary.

:)

We have to give them hope.

2009-01-21T23:16:00.002+08:00

just a little bit irritated

I am no longer the apathetic youth i once was. Things are beginning to really get on my nerves and living in this country gets tedious and unattractive.

I am appalled at the things that get posted on STOMP, an online portal for Singaporeans to report on things and upload content to share with other Netizens. Singaporeans have too much time on their hands. STOMP has given Singaporeans another chance to be "KAYPOH", and to intrude into other people's personal space. For a community that has a 'don't smile at me because it intrudes into my space' attitude, we sure like to get our noses fully into other people's businesses. And with the advent of camera phones and portable digital cameras, they not only intrude into other people's lives, they also broadcast the things they see to the world, the consequences of which are potentially negative for the people involved.

don't you have anything better to do? Like save the environment, or rescue a cat or something. Get involved, or get the bloody hell lost.

-a moment of zen-

anyway. Ok. long neglected blog gets a new post. I have recieved a wonderful vocation for my Play Production which allows me to do the several things which i really like all at once. I am extremely grateful for God's love, and the blessings he has given me that have allowed this to happen. I am scared though. It's gonna be a tough semester, and i can't be a wimp and drop anything this time around. SIGH. But i am filled with hope, and optimism. Perhaps because He has blessed me, He's gonna watch over me too. My God is, truly, an Awesome God. :)

on to other things. This year looks set to be a slower one than 2009, but i have several exciting things lined up. I believe this year, i will leave theatre administration behind for awhile and explore my creative potential, looking at honing my skills in writing, guitar, directing and production work. it doesn't show in my writing yet, but check back in a year and see if it's better. i promise to make it better.

so this year of small little achievements looks set to be a good one. Nothing beats 2008 yet. We'll just have to see how this year goes. :)

and oh yes. I am so in love, it's still funny. sometimes i am aloof, and it seems like i'm not listening, but trust that it doesn't mean i love you less. Over a year and we're still strong, as the Starship Trooper song goes: "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now". Wahey! :) ASSCITED!!! :D

ok i am sounding immature and i am rambling. gonna go now and do something useful (i hope!).

you set my soul alight

2009-01-06T01:11:00.001+08:00

another confession to make.

I am loved. :)

fall for You, all over again.

2008-12-31T00:26:00.002+08:00

Last Update of 2008

So this year. What can i say. if 2009 is better than 2008, then i will be one lucky bugger in the coming year. I've been incredibly blessed, and that credit goes directly to the one where it all came from, who materialised and went through all the shit we go through just so He could actually say to us: I know what you're going through, so don't worry, you'll be fine. and knowing that, even when this year was one with time spent most away from Him, is still a comfort that gets me through everything.

So this year. West Wing, then Shanghai, then SDEA and HUSH! and finally, London England and green eggs and Ham (Egham). What else is there to say than i've done more in this one year than i've ever done in my entire life. but at the base of it all, perhaps all these big things which have happened this year aren't that much after all. As they say, it's the little things that count.

so. I have a little list of little things i hope to do this coming year. They don't amount to resolutions, but when they're in a list i believe they are more likely to get done.

so here goes:

1. Write a new song.
2. Love better. Emotionally.
3. Touch someone. (don't be gross and taint my list. you know what i mean)
4. write poetry again.
5. don't worry about what people think.
6. Be as kick ass as you can with whatever it is that you're doing
7. fulfil this list.

2008 was my year of big achievements. Perhaps in 09' there'll be more (i do hope!), but for now, i think i'll be contented with just this minor little list of little wonders.

Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists and turns of fate.
Time falls away
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain.

Bring it 09. :)

2008-11-20T08:59:00.001+08:00

To you, Even If you cannot hear my voice

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up...

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

1 Year! :D

2008-10-18T00:58:00.002+08:00

tis' a pity it's in Egham

hello world! I have decided it is time to end the silence, and say hello to all. I am in my room right now in Founder's hall (which looks like hogwart's but i don't watch harry potter so i don't care), Royal Holloway, Egham, Surrey, which is EMPTY apart from Tesco's (supermarket) and a few oxfam shops. Yes. it is geriatric in nature and if RoHo wasn't here it'll be sleepier than you can imagine.

anyway, i've spent copious amounts (and money, horrors) of time in London, seeing how there is NOTHING to do in this sleepy town. but London is an amazing place and I foresee myself living here in the future, given that the theatres here are bloody brilliant, and definately more supported by the local people than in Singapore. I have been swearing more than i should (english people swear alot, not my fault.) and in general, using the word "bloody" alot. My accent is a weird pseudo asian-british, but surprisingly people understand me. I hope it will pass when i return: even i think it sounds weird.

anyway. i'm not going to bother you more with mundane details. Tomorrow i'm going to StoneHenge and Bath, so i am excited :) i will update again.

but people! Please write to me if you can! I check my mail box everyday and I have no mail, which makes me very sad. so please! my address is:

Room E481, Founder's Hall
Royal Holloway Univ of London
Egham Hill,
Egham, Surrey
TW20 0EX

write me ok! I love you all! :D

left tonight, and hope to die this way.

2008-09-18T02:10:00.002+08:00

Breathe. Just Breathe.

the overwhelming excitement about England which i expected to have is not quite here; i'm looking forward but yearning for time to stop because i am not ready, i don't feel ready and i don't think i'll ever be ready. But i tell myself i will survive, in the words of a very wise (and big haired) Gloria Gaynor.

anyway. the other day you said i get you. Well. no. not really. but between staring at your plunging neckline and musings about what i want to do i guess i really do, on some level. Pardon the staring, it's difficult not to when it's in your face. Note to you, in case you read this: don't wear low tops. :P

on to other things.

i am contemplating writing letters to everyone, or emailing everyone so that they know how much i appreciate all of them, but i've gotten lazy. And it's not like i'll be gone for a long time. I mean, i'll be back in December with my 40KG luggage (which SIA has refused to allow me to check in for free thus far) and a whole new out look (i hope), so it's not like you'll even begin to miss me. but somehow i will prophetically suggest now that i'll come back to a different place because a lot can change in 3 months.

well. just don't forget me, i suppose.

Huge party and even better presence(s) : I've never particularly enjoyed big parties (sounds strangely familiar..) but I HAVE TO SAY i really enjoyed myself this time. by all standards it was a success, and it was the exact thing i needed to sit back and review life, and be thankful for the blessings God has given me. And what can i say, all my friends are either GORGEOUS or TALENTED. if i may, for the sake of embarassing people, this is the feedback i got for the night:

People who fell in love with Jeane: 2. (gender undisclosed. HA.)
People who LOVED the Nunis-es: ALL OF THE OTHER GUESTS.
People who LOVED Daniel: 2 (at least, that's the number of people who commented)
People who thought Isaac looked pretty damn good: 1. (My mother, no less. HAHA!)
People who were swooning over Shaun's voice: 5 at least, and counting.
People who will remember Amy Winehouse: ALL OF THE OTHER GUESTS.
People Who SWOONED OVER JON CHO: HAHA! At least 3. and i'm sure MORE! and this time i DO MEAN SWOON! :P

I am going to miss all of you. dearly. i'm still here but i know it already.

OK. gotta go.

Please don't turn away again.

2008-09-11T00:25:00.002+08:00

through the fire and the flames

my life lately seems to revolve around constantly remount-ing things. First West Wing, and now, my beloved baby (ours too!) Hush is getting a second performance, albiet in less than ideal circumstances; still, revisiting it is like looking up an old friend in search of the moments one beautiful and now lost.

I am in part to blame for all the lost moments - discipline and being tough is not my middle name. I can only complain, i can only rant and bitch, but in the face of a confrontation i back down, and "hide myself away for another year". woe is me. I just think there's too much fighting in the world. But rationality tells me this is a conflict that must happen, that the confrontation must take place, for the good of us and all the world.

But i would like to state for the record that my heart is broken to see the treatment being given by you to HUSH. I want to be sympathetic and understand that you were really unable to be there, but one too many times, my friend, one too many times. We put up with you in hopes that you'll get your act together, and all our hearts are broken again and again. Enough, i say. enough. but when it happens again i have no strength or heart to tell you off.

what i need now is a damned backbone.

I'm not going to defend you anymore. Not even to myself. I am angry and it's no longer funny. HUSH was a labour of love, you don't get to ruin it even if you don't feel emotionally invested in it. you lost every right to be invested the days you didn't show, or came late, or threw a tantrum. you lost every right to be invested when you tested our patience, and in the face of us being lax, tested our patience even more. My patience is thinner than when i first started out.

I give up.

i can lead a nation with a microphone

2008-09-05T11:01:00.002+08:00

we are gathered here today

I say that in the confidence that that is in some song somewhere i have never heard.

anyway.

Ladies and Gents: it is with deep regret that my trusty friend of 3 years, this 'ere tootpod (my beloved ipod) of mine, passed away un-peacefully today. I am divinely upset. The Hard Disk seems to have corrupted itself, and does not allow me to restore, seeing how it is now frozen permanently.

I am deep in zen, though my heart is really crying for this untimely lost.

i shall wear black today, in mourning.

on a side note: AM M*THA F*CKING PISSED.

frozen, when your heart's not open

2008-08-30T02:29:00.002+08:00

we are compelled to do what we must do

my lofty plans of speaking out publicly about topics close to my heart, but all i dare say is in the spirit of Dashboard Confessional:

we are compelled to do what we have been forbidden.

in any case.

(ask me to see the full post. if interested.)

i won't sleep if you won't sleep tonight

2008-08-03T00:34:00.004+08:00

i'm not moving

To dawn, hopefully before the plane threatens to rip us apart.

Cos if one day you wake up and find that your missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

and as p.diddy would say: I'll be missing you.

see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

2008-07-21T13:27:00.002+08:00

rainy days and mondays

.. don't always get me down. I'm just sleepy and sedated. The rain is incredible. my house feels like it's night and it's only 1.30pm in the afternoon. I'm not one fond of turning lights on in the afternoon, but today is an exception.

i'm not out (thank goodness) because of food poisoning/stomach flu (i don't know which one), so i think i'm saving money while i'm home eating nothing and drinking lots. I need to get out. I am at my very essence a hedonist, and so this staying home thing is completely new to me.

Ok. enough about excesses. i'm going to take a shower.

Who has to know
The way she feels inside (inside)
Those thoughts I can't deny (deny)
These sleeping dogs won't lie (won't lie)
And now I try to lie
It's eating me apart
Trace this life out

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret)"
-- Dirty Little Secret, The All-American Rejects

these sleeping dogs won't lie

2008-07-17T02:54:00.002+08:00

I will try to fix you

occasionally the aircon unit above my head emits a horribly high note, reminding me of it's age and the fact that it should be kept turned off when it is not important to be using it. But i am wanting sleep soon and so it is still important to keep it on, at least i think.

I made a mistake today. I did something really bad and i feel like i'm not allowed to go back and make amends for it. I'm really sorry i overreacted. i was frustrated with all the drama that shrouded the trip. I should have been more supportive, and i shouldn't have yelled. I'm really sorry.

other than that. I had a good time today, although i know for a fact tequila burns my gut and i should not drink much of it. But one shot is nothing. I'll be fine in the morning. :) I think good alcohol and good company are all i need to keep me in this world, living the life which i call my own. I only wished you were there with me.

Ok. gotta go. :)

Always be my baby.

2008-07-15T01:35:00.001+08:00

i'm ok with space.

space can be a good thing.

2008-07-12T00:48:00.003+08:00

It just takes some time

I understand now, why people say an idle mind attracts the devil (or something along those lines). i don't think it is by complete co-incidence that i am usually at my most emotional during the mid-year holiday season. I think too much: therefore i emo more than i should.

I am not emoing. I am writing to remind myself:

I will have no more hidden agendas. I just wanna spend some time to get to know you. I won't do any talking. I'll let you speak.

So that when you blog mysteriously, i won't instantly want to think you are referring to me. it's just easier this way.

:)

anyway.

clarke quay on a fri night is NOT good for a nice, slow stroll. I dodged kids, tourists, long queues and even wheel chairs to stay alive. Under other normal circumstances i would have avoided the damned place. But tonight we had an idea. And my initial scepticism can never dampen the fun i had.

I'm starting to think i might have a thing for ferry boats. Like McDreamy, whose character name i cannot remember now, having not seen grey's anatomy for a few months and been addicted to House. I like boats, except for the ever so neurotic thought that i might drop something into the water, like my camera phone or something. but i like the fact that we did it. I'm collecting photos for a year book, so that we can look back on things before, and look forward to things to come.

i love you. :)

in the middle of the ride.

2008-07-10T00:57:00.001+08:00

i'm being profoundly pathetic.

Argh.

2008-07-07T01:18:00.002+08:00

you think you're loving. but you don't love ..

it's times like these that i somehow figure out the reason for the emptiness i've been feeling lately, and in the last moments before i allow myself to succumb to sleep, i shall attempt to type it here, in a hasty effort to record the moments of my life which aren't so rosy, because i am that way and the good times don't seem to last as long as the bad ones.

deeply entrenched in this feeling of emptiness is the feeling of disjoint, of being disconnected from all the things i once knew when i was younger and still rather optimistic about the world. tonight, i've made a breakthrough. i have identified the areas of disjoint in my life, which have kept me feeling naked and needy. My umbilical cords are severed, with no hope of returning to my mother's womb (i know. i'm guilty of heavy handed and irrelevant analogies. sorry.).

The first of the cords was the one connecting me to VJ TSD, which tonight has shown me that things move on without me, and i can't always get what i want, as mick jagger rightly puts it. i can't preserve the sanctity of TSD and the things which happened back when i was there. i have memories, but slowly and surely they become too distant to mention. The disjoint came from the stark feeling of unfamiliarity to a place i called home for 2 years, the very 2 which i consider my foundation years in theatre. I suppose people work differently, and things must change with time. the smiles and the familiar comforting feeling are no longer there. Entering my once "inner sanctum" is now met with cold stares and "who the fuck are you" looks of disdain. It is their inner sanctum now; i have no place in it.

I must say this though, out of complete disjunct, that Public P tonight pleased at some point, but flopped down on it's side like a cardboard box fruit stand in the last group piece i saw. This has led me to strongly believe that THEY have destroyed my inner sanctum, the place where i learnt discipline, hardwork, team work and all the other things that were truly great. THEY have destroyed the sanctity of space by allowing people to walk right across the set just as the performance is about to start, for not practicing 10 min bump ins and getting ready before the audience arrives. As Yin Ren put it so well: "There's a difference between being raw and unpolished. Raw is good, there is emotion there worth watching. This was just unpolished."

going back to the topic at hand. so that was one point of disjoint: I no longer have VJ TSD, and the people there are scattered making it difficult to reconnect with them. well, not all of them, only some.

continuing this long mindless rant, the other disjoint for me is from church. it is sad, and it sucks for me, but i no longer feel like i'm part of CMC. I have gone missing, as i like to, and i am comfortable this way. I don't really think i've been ever part of the church anyway. and perhaps this time of loss of touch has amplified the cold feeling of being alone in CMC. whatever it is, not having a comfortable environment to grow spiritually in sucks big time. I guess my fear of boys plays a part too. oh well. nevermind.

it seems appropriate right now to bring up this: don't get me wrong. i am disjointed, but i'm ok. i will always be that until something happens.

:)

Outta my mind, lately

2008-07-04T02:25:00.003+08:00

You think you're loving, but you don't love me.

my summer break up song of 2008.

i'm leaving you for the last time baby,
you think you're loving but you don't love me.
i've been confused, out of my mind lately,
you think you're loving but i want to be free,
baby you've hurt me.

2008-06-24T00:51:00.002+08:00

inconsolable longing.

I've been staring at this screen for awhile, trying to figure out how to put everything into words so i can stay obtuse. I don't know how to, and i may end up not talking about it at all. but then i need this. i need the possible catharsis that comes with admitting i have a problem. that my problem is grave and getting out of control. And that i let it get to the state it got to. I'm starting to feel the inablity to feel.

or rather, i've been uninspired for awhile, and the things that used to interest me no longer do. Music for one, has not figured in my life for awhile and it scares me that i've lived so long without it. I believe that one thing leads to another, and i know i have a problem because it is affecting my mood and my day to day existence and altering me to the point i'm not sure who i was anymore. Not am, was. (quoting from "Temple", because i think that is highly poignant.)

the thing is. I am not heading into a crisis and my head is still screwed on (or up, depending on the angle from which it is viewed) tightly and i'm not neurotic or anything. I just have a problem, and the despair that comes without having knowledge of how to fix myself wroughts my spirit and i feel weighted and all too conscious about it. I can't talk to anyone. this is kinda too personal. and in times like this (which make me feel guilty) i implore my friends to pray for me. (only in times like this, which is where the guilt emerges from).

Today i declined a KL trip the coming weekend because i wanted to be around for Sammy's Birthday, even though i may not even be spending any part of it with her. why? i don't know. Sam is Stef's sister and i have absolutely no idea why i decided not to go to KL. It just seemed like the right thing to do, even though it may never even concern me.

I have decided to retreat, with my only consolation being the love songs i will play for myself, as i lay in the dark and hope this cloud passes soon. This does not mean i will be going on a hiatus. It merely means i want to be on my own, to sort it all out before i meet the big bad world and fight the daily battles and daily prayers that are required of me ("Temple" again, in case you think i have become poetic.)

Til the next post (i typed "pose" accidentally. Kinda like one, don't you think?)

tell me what we're gonna do now.

2008-06-23T03:31:00.002+08:00

another day in paradise

for no apparent reason whatsoever, the appeal of sleep does not call out to me tonight. I'm not insomniac or anything. i just don't feel like sleeping. Perhaps it is the weight that is on my mind which seems to hang above me constantly. It threatens, ever so subtly, to stop me from sleeping completely.

(i am trying to be poetic. give me a break.)

truth be told, i was reading plot summaries of the series LOST just now, trying to uncover what is happening on the show since i lapsed after season 2. It just keeps getting more and more ridiculous, and i don't understand why people still watch it.

Anyway.

i suppose the reflection on "Temple" is mandatory, although how much i can reveal without significant attention is not certain. On the whole i really enjoyed myself. not that the work was easy or the load light to bear, but i actually did more and learned more than my entire FOH experience with Dream combined. In the last 2 weeks i understood what it was to work under immense pressure, to breakdown only to build up again, and to learn how to respect a director the way they need to be respected. I also realised that i was stronger than i thought i was, more sociable than i think i am, and more hardworking than i proved to be. I'm not saying i did a fantastic job or anything, but i do know i did what i was supposed to do with the best possible finesse, and in the end no one was upset with me.

the plus point, really, was the fact that i actually crewed and began to understand the workings of a production and how production management works. i'm not the professional and i can't say i know much, but i might be able to run my own show, watching how my own PM handled "Temple". I'm not that afraid of the idea of production anymore. I'm also accepting that it is possible to do for a significant period of my life. I can see that this is what i will do in time to come as i build my career in this industry i really love.

the prospect of being in the "next generation" excites me so much i have no words for it.

I must mention here, after the reflections on "Temple", that Holloway seems quite on the cards. My accomodation application has been sent, and i'm already looking at air tickets, so the prospect of it happening is now more real than ever. I'm scared of the endless possibilities this may mean for me, but i'm thrilled that this is actually going to happen. I hope shakespeare does not get up from six feet under and trample me.

Ok. gotta go, starting to feel sleepy. (YES!)

cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in.

2008-06-07T23:52:00.001+08:00

A love that will last - Renee Olstead

I want a little something more
Don't want the middle or the one before
I don't desire a complicated past
I want a love that will last

say that you love me
Say I'm the one
Don't kiss and hug me and then try to run
I don't do drama
My tears don't fall fast
I want a love that will last

I don't want a just a memory
give me forever
Don't even think about saying good-bye
'Cause I want just one love to be enough
And remain in my heart till I die

So call me romantic
Oh I guess that's so
There's something more that you oughta know
I'll never leave you
So don't even ask
I want a love that will last

Forever
I want a love that will last
I want a love that will last

So there's just a little more that I need
I wanna share all the air that you breathe
I'm not the kinda girl to complicate the past
I want a love that will last

Forever
I want a love the love that last
Always
I just want a love that will last
Want a love that will last

2008-05-25T02:51:00.002+08:00

a few of my favourite things.

nothing really beats driving. and NOTHING beats driving and karaoke to the radio.

makes me very happy, coz i feel like a real rock star. :)

but, there is something that could make driving and karaoke even better. driving and karaoke to the radio in a car chockful of your friends.

makes me EXTREMELY happy, coz nothing binds like music. :)

i hit Shanghai Tomorrow. anticipating, but also paranoid and ready to piss in my panties. but i will have as much fun as i absolutely positively can, because i want to. :)

see ya'll in a week.

baby let's cruise.

2008-05-19T23:56:00.002+08:00

i love the 90s

had a bout of unexplained blues today and MTV began its usual late night segment of 90s Videos with VH1. I'm cheered up. :)

watching a white clad squeaky clean britney spears sing about how she really wants to hold you tight, treat you right and be with you day and night. Awhile ago, J Lo told me if i had her love and she gave me all her trust, i should comfort her. Westlife Swore it over again, bryan adams did everything he does for me, and A1 sang of a red flower and how i gave them strength so they stood tall, within this bed of earth just like a rose.

I MISS THE 90s. :) I'm not afraid to say this, but i was so totally a boyband groupie. :P

argh. the good old days. :) when the world was less bitchy, complicated and upsetting. sigh.

sometimes i run, sometimes i hide, sometimes i'm scared of you.

2008-05-17T04:04:00.002+08:00

it came to past.

i realised i have to be careful now, of what i say on this blog, because there are questions i'm not ready to answer for things that could find their way here.

i did some "blog stalking" today, only to realise i was terrified of prospect, good or bad, and i needed to kill the "hope", whatever the hope may mean to me.

in any case. while I really respect the way you do things, i'm afraid i may not be good enough for you. i don't share your beliefs. i'm the one who's simply too lazy.

and self indulgent and inward looking too.

blimey.

but a deep part of me holds desire together in a paper cup.

ah well. ah well.

stop and stare.

2008-05-07T02:02:00.002+08:00

not particularly enthused.

so TWW travels to Shanghai at the end of may, and a time check reveals that that is IN 2 weeks. and no one else seems concerned about how much work is required from henceforth, seeing there's gonna be a series of recasting, and the issue of sets and props and band equipment have not been sorted out! and i doubt Dr. S will be of much help, and i'm stressed when it's not even my problem. it conveniently became my problem, because Dr. S in his normal fashion dumped it in a couple of us' laps. Like what the hell, seriously.

I'm excited. not quite. i want to travel, and the prospect of spending most of this year abroad isn't probable. so. i'm grateful at least i get to travel.

anyway. on to other, less pressing things.

because i'm the queen of completely vague and unclear blog posts ...

i have forgotten completely, what i wanted to say. In my head i'd planned what i wanted to say as a projection to the entire www, but at a time like this, the TV distracts me, and i've got other things on my mind. which aren't worth penning, really.

oh, life, oh sweet brain draining life. Inspire me thou restless. I await my endeavours with joy and heartache.

got my head shaved by a jumbo jet.

2008-04-29T00:58:00.002+08:00

I wish i knew how

reading people's blogs today while on a breather made me realise several things about myself. I wish i knew how to pin point these feelings and thoughts, but i'm not entirely sure. I'm not entirely sure if i care about people's thoughts and writings, but i WANT to, i just can't seem to listen and be a receptor anymore, whether the thing interests me or not.

watched an episode of House (hugh laurie is brilliant.) and pondered on the limits to which i might go to for the person i love. was very honest with myself, but then, you can never tell when presented with the real situation, which i hope will never happen, although i have a sick morbid fascination with it actually happening. maybe it's in the reverse, though.

The thing is i feel hardened. I feel like i never really loved anybody but myself before, and i make up for it by saying i love you excessively (not that i don't mean it. i just, well. hmmm.). But this is more because i lack a clear concise definition of love, a benchmark where i can say the love is real or fake or whatever. To know for sure what i really really mean. I do love you, i just don't know how to show it and whether it is showing. maybe i haven't been properly schooled in the ways of the world.

got a new phone and i'm feeling slightly guilty about it, because i don't know how to make full use of the features and i did pay quite a bit for it. Ah well. gotta get it up and working. After the exams, after the exams.

the end of which, ironically, i'm not looking forward to. Working, for sure, is worse than studying. I think that's why i'm in such a hurry: I WANT TO AVOID work for as long as i possibly can. it's not really how fast i get my degrees and other stuff, but more of how long can i stay in the little bubble of youth and student-hood, where responsibilities only extend to the immediate circle around you.

enough of all these, for now.

i'm on your back.

Strange, huh? for someone like me.

2008-04-23T00:58:00.000+08:00

One by one
Only the Good die young
They're only flying too close to the sun
And life goes on -
Without you...

No one but you (only the good die young) - Queen

2008-04-21T00:31:00.002+08:00

caught in a landslide (with no escape from reality)

I don't understand. how one can be so perfect and yet, so different. I'm worried though. if this continues it spells trouble, and i'm not even sure if i'm good enough.

anyway.

saw We Will Rock You today and felt like it was out of place to call it a Musical. it was more like a rock concert, and for many (me especially), it was the closest to being at a Queen concert that we could ever be. Production wise it was brilliant. Technically speaking, of course. Lights were VERY nice. Multimedia was very nice. Staging was so-so, acting was not bad, but the story was sorely lacking. not that the crowd was there for the story anyway.

in brief. MiG Ayesa plays Galileo Figaro, a clueless young man who gets song lyrics coming to his head. He has seen the sacred texts (lyrics of our time, mixed in with some fried rice paradise and Dick Lee) and is the ONE (Go figure, Matrix) who will lead a rock revolution against GlobalSoft, the company that has taken over the world, and forces MANUFACTURED packaged pop and electronic music into the mouths of young people, banning instruments altogether. in other words, the evil DIGITAL world has taken over everything that's real, and only a handful of people known as the Bohemians (with some interesting pop icon names) realise and are ready to lead the world into a rock revolution (or rather, rock revival).

I ponder on several occasions the inherent irony of the musical. It is a full-fledged packaged musical, lacking, i feel in the things that used to make musicals really matter, the story, the ideas, the concepts. It had all the lights, all the pizazz, the finesse of a well produced musical, packaged to be shown all over the world in the same fashion with little deviation. I thought it was very ironic, that steeped inherently in the values of the musical was a call to fight globalisation and its evening effect, and yet, this musical could stand up as a pinnacle of globalisation, and was being marketed and produced by an international corporation called Playbill.

ponder awhile, my friends, on that irony.

Other than that, actually, i really enjoyed myself. The music was very very very very well arranged and what i did with TWW was NOWHERE close to what music directing really means.

On another note. Pre-show found Stef and i sitting in front of these 2 young looking girls in the stalls and in between reading our programme we couldn't help but over hear snippets of their conversation.

Girl 2: " ...... *gibberish to us* .... did you see that production? it had songs like Bad Day and We will rock you."
Girl 1: ".. it was really bad .. it cheapened the chinese orchestra and english music."
Girl 2: ".... really that bad?"
Girl 1: ".... yeah. and it was expensive some more. $25 at UCC you know."

my heart didnt know if it should have sank. But i did think Granty should hear this. strangely enough, on some degree i agreed with the cheapening part. Couldn't help it. It did cheapen some of my favourite songs. I did feel though, like i had been living in a bubble thinking i did a good job for a really long time. it's not that i don't accept accolades from close friends. It's more of a reality check for me, and a sick realisation that audiences are impossible to please. Whatever Granty tried to do, i feel perhaps it was too dated, too obscure and will not be kindly looked upon in this highly "sophisticated" and differentiated world.

but honestly. I wanted to throttle those 2 Girls. Stef and I almost turned around and asked for her feedback just to see her squirm in her seat.

i suppose you just can't please everyone huh?

she's a killer queen.

2008-04-09T17:12:00.002+08:00

til this day their story delights.

With a bang and grand flourish the final chords of Memory played, the cast took their final bows and The West Wing came to a final end. As i heaved a sigh of relief and pat myself on the back for playing a good show, i'm surrounded by my fellow west-wingers, fellow company members, band mates, new friends, old friends, my community and i fight, effectively, to keep my tears from flowing. hugs are thrown and some kisses are going around, and all the things that kept me in The West Wing begin to enter my mind.

I think to myself, my notes are not enough. These people don't know how much i love them.

I get back to the essence of why i love theatre so much. it isn't so much the philosophies, the theories and the performing. but the people. the people who make the magic happen, without any one of them The West Wing would be so different. and i already miss them terribly.

this morning i woke up with Scene 16's fight scene in my head. Big Gun is playing and i remember Conan and Wayne's focused faces as they watch flying tiger and general du beat each other to pulp. when i opened my eyes, it hit me: I won't see it tonight. I wont see my band tonight, share the nonsensical talk before the show over the spanish guitar mismatched music, keep silent for about 2 minutes while we wait for Grace's cue, and watch in awe as Stef and the chorus leap to action as the lights come on. I wont be able to watch the rebels in scene 14 with the charlie's angels music playing get their asses kicked. I won't be able to listen to Anjana's soothing voice on Fever and melt inside of myself. I won't feel my muscles screaming out at me to stop strumming as i play Memory. I won't be able to stand and wave at the audience as the company credits us.

I wanted to cry. Moodiness set in though, and i have been directionless for most of today.

I miss it already. the adrenaline, the rush, the nonsense, the bridge, the UNO, Dai Dee and the pranks we pulled on each other. The Food, good and bad and non existent, the cakes, the stashes. The costumes, the make up, the sets. i miss it terribly.

West Wing was something which turned out to be more than it ever promised to be, and we all chipped in to make it happen. I Love every single one of you West Wing-ers, and while i mourn not seeing much of you guys any more, i look forward to what else we could possibly do together again. :)

With Love, LT.

Separation is life's constant pain.

2008-04-02T01:10:00.002+08:00

significantly insignificant

i have to admit: i have a slight complex being in TWW's Band. For one, we're rarely in any of the photos of the West Wing that people have been taking. I suppose music making doesn't make good camera shots.

I want Band Photos!

GRR.

Waiting at the West (Left) Wing.

2008-03-21T08:23:00.002+08:00

Terror Suspect Eludes Posse of 4 Million

By SETH MYDANS

Published: March 14, 2008

SINGAPORE — The big mistake, officials here say, was letting the terrorist suspect make a trip to the bathroom.

Mas Selamat bin Kastari, alleged by the government to be the leader of a terrorist group here, escaped from a high-security prison two weeks ago while taking a bathroom break, in a major embarrassment for this efficient, tightly battened city-state.

In a furious response, the government put the entire country on alert, setting up checkpoints, sealing its borders, patrolling its parks and its shores, even urging people to keep an eye on their bicycles in case the wanted man decided to pedal to freedom.

With each new empty-handed day the embarrassment deepens as Singapore confronts its Tora Bora moment, its most-wanted terrorist suspect melting into the urban terrain, as Osama bin Laden evaded American troops in Afghanistan.

For some people here, this noisy, flailing search — even more than the escape itself — has cast Singapore in an unfamiliar light of haplessness.

“We had all bought into the image of a well-organized government machinery,” wrote Alex Au, author of a popular political Web site called Yawning Bread. “Suddenly, our picture of Singapore as a kind of Big Brother state is, well, full of holes.”

All around the city, police officers are on patrol and their checkpoints have delayed traffic for as much as 15 hours in some places, according to newspaper reports.

Security officers on boats and Jet Skis are patrolling the coastline and the police have removed keys from the ignitions of unattended motor boats.

In what one newspaper called “extensive land, sea and air searches,” military officers in jungle fatigues and Nepalese Gurkha paramilitary forces have scoured the city for the runaway inmate.

Wanted posters are everywhere, mug shots have been transmitted to millions of cellphones and the entire nation of four million people has been deputized to look out for a round-faced man who is 5-foot-2, weighs 139 pounds and walks — or at least runs — with a limp.

Newspapers here say it is the biggest manhunt in Singapore’s history. Mr. Mas Selamat, 47, who is said to be the chief of operations in Singapore for the Jemaah Islamiyah terrorist network, is accused by the government of being the coordinator of a failed plot to bomb the United States Embassy and several other targets in Singapore. Officials also say he planned to crash an airplane into Singapore’s airport.

He had been in detention here since 2006 under the Internal Security Act, which allows the government to hold suspects without trial, and his escape shocked terrorism experts in the region.

“Everyone thought Singapore had the tightest security system of anyone around,” said Sidney Jones, a leading terrorism expert for the International Crisis Group.

As a nation, Singapore is as lean and mean and flexible as the rapid-response military the Pentagon dreams of, and it reacted with impressive speed and agility to recent Asian outbreaks of bird flu and SARS, or severe acute respiratory syndrome.

But for the moment it seems to have met its match in Mr. Mas Selamat. His disappearance challenges the government’s basic promise to its citizens that it will keep them safe and comfortable.

The authorities have released little information about his escape on Feb. 27, but they say that he acted alone and on the spur of the moment and that he is probably still in Singapore.

The official account is that the prisoner asked to go to the bathroom while waiting for family members to visit, then simply disappeared from the Whitley Road Detention Center.

If this is true, said Lee Kin Mun, a leading political blogger who calls himself Mr. Brown, the government should “take a leaf from school exams, where security seems to be tighter” and where students must be escorted to the bathroom.

The country’s founder and former prime minister, Lee Kuan Yew, boiled the whole debacle down to one word: complacency.

He used the episode to strike again with his frequent warning that Singaporeans must work hard to protect the modern but fragile country he created from a social or economic explosion.

“It shows that it is a fallacy, it is stupid, to believe we are infallible,” he said. “We are not infallible. One mistake and we’ve got a big explosive in our midst. So let’s not take this lightly. I think it’s a very severe lesson on complacency."

His son, Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong, said, “It is definitely a setback, and it should never have happened.” And then, echoing his father: “It’s the danger of complacency, of thinking that everything is all right.”

In Singapore, words like that amount to marching orders, and government agencies seem to be rushing to demonstrate that whatever else they are, they are anything but complacent.

Wong Hong Kuan, the assistant police commissioner, is at the center of the storm, commanding both his security forces and the public response.

“He knows machines, so keep an eye on your car,” said the newspaper Today, reporting on a recent briefing by Mr. Wong. “Anyone who discovers their vehicles, including motorcycles and bicycles, missing, should make a police report immediately.”

“Err on the side of caution,” the paper quoted Mr. Wong as saying. “Every second counts.”

The public has swung into action, as it has with previous nationwide campaigns — to have fewer children, to have more children, to keep toilets clean, not to throw things off balconies, to speak good English, to smile and to commit “spontaneous acts of kindness.”

More than a thousand people have telephoned the police with tips. Concerned citizens are stopping people on the street who fit the fugitive’s description. This is not a good place to be a man with a limp.

“Mas Selamat” seems to be everywhere.

He has been seen running into a park wearing only a pair of shorts monogrammed with the initials of the detention center. He has been spotted at an outdoor food stall, “but it turned out to be the man is Chinese,” according to a witness quoted in the news media.

Someone followed his footprints up a flight of stairs to a rooftop, where the footprints disappeared. Someone else saw him running down a highway toward a causeway linking Singapore to Malaysia.

A comedian, Ahmad Stokin, 51, said he had been stopped eight times, but did not seem to find it funny. He said he might look a bit like the picture on the wanted posters and he may have a limp, but it is in his right leg, not his left.

Two weeks into the search, these fruitless sightings are about all the papers have to report about the biggest news story of the day.

The top headline on Thursday about the search in the country’s main newspaper, The Straits Times, read: “I Think I Saw Mas Selamat.”

An unidentified woman, the paper reported, had just recalled seeing someone who fit the description two weeks ago near the Singapore Association of the Visually Handicapped.

Pondering this report, the newspaper left its readers with what is now a pointless question.

“Was Fugitive Limping Along This Road?” it asked in a headline, and displayed a photo of an empty, rain-slick road where the witness had been standing.

-- report from here

ironic, and very amusing, no?

2008-03-20T21:57:00.002+08:00

chaffing cream

sometimes the human imagination can be weird. especially if it's your own imagination which is in question. i'm not questioning my sanity completely. But i might be going crazy without knowing it.

warning: this might be slightly graphic.

you see, i went to the pharmacy today to look for some cream to ease chaffing caused by too much walking on a hot and humid day. In case you didn't know, when you're fat and physically still quite active in such a climate as Singapore's, it is very likely you'll get abrasions from friction on parts of your body. Maybe it's characteristic to me. but ask any army boy. he'll tell you what it's like after a 40Km route march.

ANYWAY. So i went in search for this specific cream i saw in a VERY strange advert once. what i remembered was that this cream was specifically for sensitive areas of the body prone to chaffing. i remember a cartoon torso with underwear on it, and there were eyes on the buttocks which looked very unhappy. Naturally, for chaffing caused much discomfort to the poor set of buttocks. Then of course, the chaffing cream brand and stuff came on, and that was that.

So, the pharmacy. I walk to the creams and ointments section and asked the pharmacist if she knew of this specific cream which eases chaffing. She was very helpful, but when i tried describing what the cream was, she looked blankly at me and said:

"Are you looking for nappy rash cream?"

It's not her fault, i think.

See, here's why i think i might have made it up:
1. I cannot for the life of me remember what the brand of this cream was.
2. I cannot for the life of me find it ANYWHERE.
3. I cannot for the life of me believe that what i have described in the passage above was a real advertisement.
4. NO, i am not referring to nappy rash cream. i grew out of that, quite a while ago.

If you remember any advertisement that fits the description above, please tell me. I need to keep my sanity in check.

and i do NOT want to resolve to using Nappy Rash Cream.

2008-03-03T23:31:00.002+08:00

step off from that ledge, my friend.

and i think i'm about to. I am fully aware that i am wasting my time bloggin when i should be working, but i am just VERY pissed right now. it's not that people voted for songs which i didn't want to do or what not, not even because people don't choose my ideas, but the mere thought of the sheer unfairness this whole thing is being dealt with, and i'm at the base of it all, hurt, very much by the whole pantomime of a song selection process.

Unlike anyone else, this is ME, MY WORK for this module, put under a spotlight and scrutinized by the other people in this module. THIS IS MY WORK's quality being decided by the other people taking this module. It's as if i did a presentation and everyone got to stand up and tell me how shitty it all is, where i can do better, and what i should do, when half the people there don't know how much trouble it is to fit existing lyrics into existing melodies. half the people there don't know the limitations of the arrangements and the budget. and half the people there seem to think i'm a music genius who can work anything out with a synthesizer. and if this is supposed to be democratic, then why is music the only department subjected to such scrutiny? am i missing something? is my incompetence showing? WHAT?! doesn't anyone have any confidence in me and my abilities?

perhaps even i don't have confidence in my own abilities anymore. I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK. i have to take into consideration everyone's ideas and i don't know what was my initial idea anymore. and. how can we all vote based on popular vote, when popularity is only ONE of the MANY things that i have to consider when planning for the music?! the statistics mean little to me. my worries are now new ones, like how in the world am i supposed to get a full orchestra score to sound like it should on a bloody 6 piece rock band?!

let me just say this: NO I AM NOT A GENIUS; I NEVER FELT QUALIFIED TO DO THIS, BUT I TRY. I TRIED VERY HARD BECAUSE I'M PASSIONATE ABOUT MUSIC AND THEATRE and I'M SORRY IF I CAN'T GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT BECAUSE THE MUSIC I LISTEN TO IS VERY DIFFERENT. I'M SORRY I CANNOT GIVE YOU A FULL ORCHESTRA, I'M RELIANT ON SOME OF YOU TO HELP WITH SINGING PARTS AND I DON'T HAVE AN AMAZING VOICE LIKE THE CAST DOES THAT DOES JUSTICE TO THE MUSIC I WANT TO USE. I REGRET THAT I CAN'T BUT I TRY. I TRY HARDER THAN ANYONE OF YOU. AND I APPRECIATE SOME OF YOU HELPING, BUT I ALSO HOPE YOU CONSIDER MY ROLE IN THIS PRODUCTION AND NOT GO AHEAD AND PRACTICE SONGS WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE AND THEN PRESENTING IT TO THE COMPANY AS A "MUSICAL COMMITTEE" DECISION.

FUCK MAN. i've had enough of this for tonight.

2008-03-01T00:18:00.002+08:00

built to last

at least, i hope.

i am unable to be real with myself sometimes, and the consequences of those instances seem to replay over and over again like a record on an unstoppable record player. I will not elaborate, much, but it's also because i'm prone to being vague and ambiguous in blog posts. i want to say it though: when life becomes a cycle, you either stay oblivious or get off of it.

but nobody is going to jump off anything at this moment, because sometimes you want to return to the oblivious state in the form of a soft sink-your-butt-into-me sofa. but i'm almost hitting the ground and it scares me.

I have 2 days to decided whether or not to drop a module and free up sometime before the grade becomes an F. and i CANNOT have an F, solely because it will affect my grades and job prospects and yadayadayada for all my life and i'm typically singaporean and therefore worried about that.

and things in the personal life arena are taking a downturn (HORRORS). and all because i'm a selective optimist, believing that i can make things work when i want them to. I'm still holding on, wondering if you'll stay awake for me, cause i really don't wanna miss anything. i've had too much to handle and i get grouchy, so i hope you forgive me for taking it out on you. I REALLY don't mean it. it's just me, sometimes the work and the world get too much to bear and i feel like you're not there even when you are, so please, just bear with me until all of this tides over. i love you.

ok. now for some general waste time destressing.

1. My ex is: when the dinner bill comes up to above $20 per person and i'm paying.

2. Maybe i should: drop german? i don't know!

3. I love: God (i must be honest this didnt come to mind first.), you, my guitar, theatre, brecht and acoustic-y emo stuff.

4. I don’t understand: why we dont always get along, cant always be there for each other and Grant Shen.

5. I lose: most of the time, but in my heart i tell myself i'm a winner.

6. People say i’m: too nice for my own good.

7. Love is: that damned thing that i'm in right now.

8. Somewhere, someone is: wearing furry boots in Singapore's eternal summer.

9. I will always: be doing FOH? (NO!!!!!)

10. Forever is: a very very long time.

11. I never want to: hurt someone so bad that they never forgive me.

12. I think the current US president: is a short redneck with a guitar singing country roads.

13. When I wake up in the morning: I check that my heart is still beating and then proceed to wonder if i should be thankful or resentful.

14. My past was: a chapter that i've closed and would like to keep it that way, thank you.

15. I get annoyed when: i haven't a clue what is going on.

16. Parties are for: getting as much dancin down as possible.

17. My dog is: Wishbone, whom i've shamelessly adopted.

18. My cat is: nowhere in my future.

19. Kisses are the best when: they're from you.

20. Tomorrow: tomorrow, i love ya tomorrow, you're only a day away.

21. I really want: an epiphone les paul and my own jamming studio.

22. I have low tolerance for people who: do things that aversely affect other people.

Part 1: On The Outside
Name: Tan Liting Rebekah
D.O.B: 29th October 87
Current Status: burning out.
Hair Colour: black.
Righty Or Lefty: Righty.
Zodiac Sign: Scorpio.

Part 2 : On The Inside
Your heritage: would like to say african american, but i'm yellow mungen all the way.
Your fears: losing my love, disappointment and death.
Your weakness: emo songs, procrastinating, the rubiks cube and my guitar.

Part 3: Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow
Your thoughts 1st waking up: I am still alive.
Your Bedtime: generally more than 2 hours after i get home.
Your most missed memory: TSD. and performing with jeane.

Part 4: Your Pick
Pepsi Or Coke: COKE. hello, pepsi tastes like cough syrup.
MacDonald's Or Burger King: Carl's Junior.
Single Or Group Dates: both. but more of the single ones.
Adidas Or Nike: would have to say adidas. the 3 stripe superstar sneaker is a classic. plus i love how hip hop inspired the brand is.
Lipton Tea Or Nestea: Lipton, but generally there's no difference.
Chocolate Or Vanilla: Vanilla.
Cappucino or coffee: Latte, with a shot of caramel syrup. :D

Part 5: Do You?
Smoke: Occasionally.
Curse: I'm trying not to.
Drink: I love my beer. :D

Part 6: In the past month
Drank Alcohol: yes. Pint of erdinger weissbeir which was SO GOOD.
Gone to the mall: yes. well, kinda. i haven't gone shopping, if that's what you mean.
Been on stage: err. does backstage count?
Eaten Sushi: will do this properly tomoro. :)
Dyed hair: Nein.

Part 7: Have You Ever?
Played a stripping game: ... :P
Changed who you were to fit in: of course. was never happy.

Part 8: Age
You are hoping to be married: in amsterdam i suppose.

Part 9: In a Guy Or Girl
Best Guy Eye Colour: i dont really give a shit.
Hair colour: as long as you don't look like a golden monkey.
Short Or Long Hair: depends, really.

Part 10: What were you doing?
1 min ago: answering the first part of all this.
1 hour ago: emailing, i think.
1 mth ago: relacking more than now.
1 yr ago: enjoying myself at Film art and Acting. :)

Part 11: Finish the sentence.
Love: can be a many splendoured thing, can't deny the joy it brings.
Feels: just like it should!
Miss: Sukey Tawdry! look out, miss lotte lenya, and old lucy brown.
Hate: that i love you, so.
Need: to sleep soon.

2008-02-29T23:16:00.001+08:00

before my life made a choice

Nobody knows
Nobody knows but me
That I sometimes cry
If I could pretend that I'm asleep
When my tears start to fall
I peek out from behind these walls
I think nobody knows
Nobody knows no

Nobody likes
Nobody likes to lose their inner voice
The one I used to hear before my life
Made a choice
But I think nobody knows
No no
Nobody knows
No

Baby
Oh the secret's safe with me
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be
And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone
Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown
And I've lost my way back home
I think nobody knows no
I said nobody knows
Nobody cares

It's win or lose not how you play the game
And the road to darkness has a way
Of always knowing my name
But I think nobody knows
No no
Nobody knows no no no no

Baby
Oh the secret's safe with me
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be
And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone
Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown
And I've lost my way back home
And oh no no no no
Nobody knows
No no no no no no

Tomorrow I'll be there my friend
I'll wake up and start all over again
When everybody else is gone
No no no

Nobody knows
Nobody knows the rhythm of my heart
The way I do when I'm lying in the dark
And the world is asleep
I think nobody knows
Nobody knows
Nobody knows but me
Me

Nobody Knows - Pink

2008-02-15T23:32:00.001+08:00

SEP

View Larger Map

I decided that since SEP might actually happen, i'd do my research and see how far away i'm going to be from my friends in the UK.

SIGH. looks like alot of travelling will have to be done.

2008-02-06T01:49:00.000+08:00

8(X5) crazy nights

today is the first day of the season of Lent, and semi-religious, totally irreverant me has decided that i will stay irreverant no more and fast for the next 40 days. i don't know exactly how and what will happen, but all i know is i'm going to try, even if it kills me. :) so wish me luck, and maybe, pray with me if you can. :)

at the risk (a very big one) of sounding totally bimbotic: i think i'm becoming one of those scary, full-of-myself bimbos that look a little like balloons floating in the air. i can attribute the reason to one person in particular, but then it's not nice to point fingers.

2 bimbotic (but this is according to someone else, and not self-caught ones) moments today:

1. i woke up this morning with a sore, stiff shoulder on my left side, and in my semi sleepy state i tried feeling for a pulse thinking my heart had stopped or something. I was sleepy and paranoid ok.

2. in German class we had to write questions for our neighbours. the question was: write 5 questions for your neighbour. I said aloud: "but my neighbours don't speak german! they speak malay! and i don't know my neighbours!" who would have known neighbour meant the person sitting next to me?!

which brings me, actually, to the scary revelation that i think my German classmates must think i'm a little bit crazy and stupid because i've asked a total of 1038989834oqty8 stupid questions in front of everyone. I just tend to think aloud, so when i have a question it's usually me wondering aloud. and obviously that leads to less than favourable circumstances. i can't help it. my thought process is slower than the average. so it takes awhile.

anyway, KT tunstall concert anyone? I want to go. i think it'll be completely worth it. and i love her guitar. it's gorgeous in all it's bling bling glory. :)

am looking forward to CNY this year, although a part of me reminds me that i'm setting myself up for disappointment, because i'm not close to the family and it could get painful sitting infront of your relatives (paternal side, maternal is ok. i like them.) who probably look down on you because you can't string a proper sentence in chinese or hokkien. and the comparisons, and the references to "oh wow, you're so ... big ... now." seriously, save it. i could deal without that.

but i'm looking forward to CNY because it's gonna be quite fun, i should think, seeing how i've learnt how to play mahjong, and we're having this pseudo reunion dinner which is just an excuse to get together and eat drink and be merry. :) it's gonna be fun! oh! and canadian exchange student Michael and DURIANS! :D :D :D looking forward to that! :)

ok i'm sleepy. *yawn

for you, because i just can't be without you.

Chemistry was crazy from the get-go
Neither one of us knew why
We didn't build nothing overnight
Cuz a love like this takes some time
People swore it off as a phase
Said we can't see that
Now from top to bottom
They see that we did that (yes)
It's so true that (yes)
We've been through it (yes)
We got real shit (yes)
See baby we been...

Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby

I got a question for ya
See I already know the answer
But still I wanna ask you
Would you lie? (no)
Make me cry? (no)
Do somethin' behind my back and then try to cover it up?
Well, neither would I, baby
My love is only your love (yes)
I'll be faithful (yes)
I'm for real (yes)
And with us you'll always know the deal
We've been...

Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby

See this is real talk
I'm always stay (no matter what)
Good or bad (thick and thin)
Right or wrong (all day everyday)
Now if you're down on love or don't believe
This ain't for you (no, this ain't for you)
And if you got it deep in your heart
And deep down you know that it's true (come on, come on, come on)
Well, let me see you put your hands up (hands up)
Fellas tell your lady she's the one (fellas tell your lady she's the one, oh)
Put your hands up (hands up)
Ladies let him know he's got your love
Look him right in his eyes and tell him
We've been...

Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby

when nothing you can do can change my mind.

2008-01-18T02:27:00.000+08:00

Kammerspielhaus

i'm not entirely sure what that means, whether it refers to the theatre of the common man, or the chamber theatre, both of which sit simultaneously on opposite sides of the spectrum.

I am struck, tonight, by the articulate nature of other people's blogs, and am currently going through a bout of self consciousness which makes me want to try and write better, whatever that could possibly mean.

2nd mambo ever for me last night and the crazy lights, hand gestures and horrible 80s music were not so much important as the company of what i one day will begin to call my mambo crowd, and be completely unable to enjoy myself at mambo without them. mambo can grow on you, i am beginning to think, because clubbin' is every bit about the people as much as the music and drinks etc.

i for one, find it thoroughly fascinating, by the way, that bailey's and green tea mixer tastes strangely like a thick and rich teh peng, and that gin isn't very nice without the tonic. and that when you decide you want to pay for a damned jug, you're gonna take forever to finish it. and you might not even remember you had the drink at all!

I had fun. wished i could have a little bit more, i suppose.

sleep beckons, and so does the semester and the german language. i am going to get some sleep and pray that everything will work out nicely this year.

i think the resolution is to be less grouchy and angry. i'm already breaking them.

time after time.

2008-01-15T00:05:00.001+08:00

a freaking butt rash

or at least that's what i think i'm developing.

this is not good. i go to a freaking portable public toilet for relief and now i am reeling from a slightly itchy butt. this it the last time i am entering one of those longish vestibules with a sink and a toilet seat.

seriously.

anyway. the other day i went for a digital kamishibai (kami = Paper, Shibai = theatre) workshop. we had to bring the oldest photo we could find, and in my desperation, i found this:

this is probably 1963, max, when my mother was around 3. she is the one on the seat. the 2 people behind her are my first and second aunts, who strangely enough, look very much like my cousins. and, apparently, my mother insists i look like her. i provide now a picture for comparison:

what do you think?

all this has made me think about setting out to scan and archive all of my old family photos, so that they can be preserved and reprinted whenever needed. :) now, to find the photos. :)

every memory of walking out the front door.

2008-01-06T23:57:00.000+08:00

because i like to rip things off of other people's blogs. :P

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
I actually did a movement-based theatre piece that took alot of muscle control. AND. I got myself in a recording studio and recorded a song with someone :) yay to mp3 technology. :)

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i'm not a resolutions person. :P

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, don't think so.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not quite close. No. i don't think so.

5. What countries did you visit?
Thailand, USA.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
an iPhone. Will Power, and the Holy Spirit's voice back in my head.

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
20th/27th nov. for reasons i would like to keep private. :)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
i HAD fun. in Uni. :) And the grades of course. which were def God's work and not mine alone.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Losing my way i think. at one point this year i was a complete Wreck with a semi-midlife crisis. i am much happier now, i think. :)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Bad Food poisoning. does that count?

11. What was the best thing you bought?
well. i didnt buy it, technically. my Crumpler Customary Barge. :) lovin' it. :)

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Daniel: for being the peacemaker in the Group who always sought to find the positives in sometimes completely ridiculous ideas, and for listening. when there was no one else.

Stef: for being what i needed the most when i needed it the most.

Dawn: because she will always be my favourite online buddy :)

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
I dont particularly remember. appalled maybe, but not depressed. someone i know made her own group on Facebook. now That, is appalling, but not quite depressing. :P

14. Where did most of your money go?
To feeding two people.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Fight Club: A Chorus, after seeing it. i got excited by Across the Universe too, which turned out to be less than what i expected, but thoroughly enjoyable, nonetheless. :) FALL OUT BOY, Black Eyed Peas Concerts. Oh. and Rubik's Cubes. :)

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2007?
scuP - Stay (so freaking narcissist :P)
Timbaland presents One Republic - Apologize
Secondhand Seranade - Awake
Fall Out Boy's old new album :)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?
Happier.
ii. Thinner or fatter?
Fatter, for sure. :P
iii. Richer or poorer?
Richer, thanks to NUS, but poorer in all other senses.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercise.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Being Depressed without Real Reason.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
This one abit late ah. but i spent it with the Neubronners, which is quite an experience.

WHERE DID 21 AND 22 GO??

23. How many one-night stands?
None.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
CSI reruns, Grey's Anatomy and the Ellen Degeneres Show.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I have no list of people i Hate so no one gets promoted or demoted.

26. What was the best book you read?
Oh no. i don't particularly remember. i think it'll have to be Without You by Anthony Rapp

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Secondhand Serenade. Amazing one man band i tell you. AMAZING :)

28. What did you want and get?
A Crumpler. and Somebody to love. :)

29. What did you want and not get?
Alot of things. but i dont like to think about them. i'll get them. eventually. top of the list is my electric guitar. :)

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
2007: Lust Caution, i would say.
2008: so far - National Treasure 2: The book of Secrets.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 20, and i believe i didnt do anything particularly significant. i must have had dinner, or something. i remember the surprise the Praxis people threw though :)

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
To know that i'm ok with God.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Relaxed, Casual, and an unhealthy liking for tighter fitting clothing, which often ends up in bak chang style. :P

34. What kept you sane?
A knowledge that God was there, even when it felt like he wasn't. Praxis people, Stef, Dawn and Stinky.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Hmm. Well, Timbaland I think. He made lots of Good Music.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
377a: which i hope will be repealed in due course.

37. Who did you miss?
Jeane. Alot. because she wasnt around much. and Stinky, by default.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Mel Chua.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
Give the World and it will give you something in return.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I can't really think of anyone in particular, but this one will be suitable i think.

With Every appearance by you blinding my eyes.
I can hardly remember the last time I felt like I do.
You're an angel disguised.

And you're lying real still,
but your heart beat is fast just like mine.
And the movie's long over,
that's three that have passed, one more's fine.

Will you stay awake for me?
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything.

2007-12-31T11:45:00.000+08:00

random thoughts on Don McLean

yesterday we discussed in great detail the song American Pie, which got me thinking that Don McLean was dead, because this video on Youtube began associating him with Buddy Holly and Richie Sambora, both of whom died in a plane crash. i began believing that Don McLean was on that plane with them too.

then i started to believe that it couldnt have been Don McLean, solely based on the fact that perhaps the time frame doesnt really make alot of sense.

but then again, why the hell would there be such an association, if not for the fact they MIGHT have died together on that plane?!

but the nagging feeling that is wasn't right just kept coming back; Don McLean's too young compared to buddy holly.

finally. i couldnt take it anymore. i wiki-ed it.

Holly began a solo tour with other notable performers, including Ritchie Valens and J.P. Richardson, "The Big Bopper". Two nights after a performance in Duluth, Minnesota, the three headliners gave their final show, at the Surf Ballroom in Clear Lake, Iowa on February 2, 1959. Afterwards, Buddy Holly chartered a Beechcraft Bonanza to take him and his new back-up band (Tommy Allsup, Carl Bunch, and Waylon Jennings) to Fargo, North Dakota. Carl Bunch missed the flight as he had been hospitalized for frostbite three days earlier. The Big Bopper asked Jennings for his spot on the four-seat plane, as he was recovering from the flu. Ritchie Valens was still signing autographs at the concert site when Allsup walked in and told him it was time to go. Allsup pulled a 50 cent coin out of his pocket and the two men flipped for the seat. Allsup lost.

The plane took off in light snow and gusty winds at around 12:55 A.M., but crashed after only a few minutes. The wreckage was discovered several hours later by the plane's owner, Jerry Dwyer, some 8 miles from the airport on the property of Albert Juhl. The crash killed Holly, Valens, Richardson, and the 21-year-old pilot, Roger Peterson. Holly's body had been thrown from the wreckage and hit a tree, nearly decapitating him. While theories abound as to the exact cause of the crash, an official determination of pilot error was rendered by the Civil Aeronautics Board (one of the predecessors of the Federal Aviation Administration). Although the crash received a good deal of local coverage, it was displaced in the national news by an accident that occurred the same day in New York City, when American Airlines Flight 320 crashed during an instrument landing approach at LaGuardia Airport, killing 65. Don McLean referred to it as "the Day the Music Died".

the link, finally. :)

happy new year eveyone.

the day the music died.

2007-12-24T00:22:00.000+08:00

an insignificant star

for a moment today:

1. i was really pissed with my ministry head earl for telling me to make sure i come on time, and telling me it was the second time i was late: sorry dude, but honestly, i was scheduled twice in a row and no one rectified that; furthermore, the person who asked me for a swap showed up, so i came early (15mins) for nothing.

2. i thought to myself how strange the christmas decorations in my church were, and how the fake plastic doves with red eyes looked like they might light up, lock on a target and attack something.

3. i didnt want to go and wish other people merry christmas, and considered waiting for people to come wish me.

4. i wondered to myself why i was where i was, under all the given circumstances. that led nowhere and so i am here, now.

5. i thought that maybe i missed the whole point about christmas, and i actually think i did.

6. i thought that perhaps i do want gifts, and tell myself i dont want them because i'm too lazy to go and get for other people.

7. i listened, intently, to the sermon, because i was seated right upfront.

8. i decided i didnt want to be an emo kid sitting at the back by myself.

9. i didnt regret sitting in front.

10. i wanted to be a star that pointed to the real star: the one whom christmas is all about.

for a moment today.

p.s: i pondered upon this possibility: that when you died i wont grieve; not because i dont want to, but because i cannot. and its not even because i know you're going to heaven: i just dont think i'm capable to grief.

a moment like this

2007-12-22T00:27:00.000+08:00

tis the season to be jolly

read nat's blog and his words actually jumped out at me and caught me by surprise: christmas is a time of love. i don't doubt that i think. it's just that this year's Christmas might be rougher than it should be. it ought to be spent with people you love, cherish and want to hold, but i cannot expect that, because that just doesnt happen with me and my friends. makes me feel hapless and like a loser, but who bloody cares, right?

i dont want to be bitter and angry about christmas, i just wished you loved me enough to see past the drinking and clubbing (smoking's not even in this list, it's a non-issue because smoking's not my thing), and try to accept it as a part of me. a part i would love to share with you, but you refuse (and i respect that). i am not an alcoholic, and clubbing is a choice i make to go and let my hair down and move my body. i like dancing and moving my body around, which i only do in these 2 occasions where i feel relatively not self-conscious: in a theatre studio and in the club. and since there's no longer much of an opportunity to find myself doing nonsense in a theatre studio, i dont have much of a choice.

i only wished you'd see i dont go to indulge in alcohol and smoke my lungs til they look like tar. i club because i love music and i like to dance, and there's something about enjoying it with a bunch of people that makes clubbing appealing to me.

i'm sorry if that makes you uneasy and uncomfortable. (i'm not being sarcastic.)

and my heart can't get enough.

i love you, no matter what.

2007-12-19T00:49:00.001+08:00

i am not smart

am loving this website: www.postsecret.com which is where this is from.

anyway. boring day it has been, but i have made some progress on my perfect love song thing :) which is making me very happy and glad.

oh. and today i felt a little bit sad because i felt like i would one day run out of things to say to you and telling myself that silence can be comfortable was only to comfort myself. but it is ok. i hold you in my arms and feel you breathing with me and i know i'm not just comforting myself. the silence is real, poignant, and i like it because it is filled. :)

i guess that's how i live, noise everywhere so i dont have to hear my own thoughts.

finished chekhov's The Cherry Orchard today and couldn't help but feel proud of myself for having finished it, and couldn't help but feel sad at it's message of obsolencence and being removed because it is old and of no use anymore. i fear such a message, because even though i am young one day i will be old, and then the question is what will happen to me then? will i become old, obsolete, and chopped down like the cherry trees in the orchard?

and when i become old and my brain slows down and i no longer give you useless bits of trivia, will you still love me?

i'm lost for words

2007-12-18T02:30:00.001+08:00

geek in the pink

i just spent about an hour sitting on my bed doing nothing but working on a rubiks cube over and over and over and over and over again to work on my timing.

i'm at 1:05:01.

i feel slightly deranged.

it's hard to tell if i exist

2007-12-14T11:17:00.000+08:00

i am music and i write the songs.

a realisation is beginning to dawn on me these past few days. some people are natural born writers, and they tend to talk less than other people do. me, on the other hand gravitates towards verbal diarrheoa and writing becomes generally more incoherent than it should. this worries me, because i dream sometimes of writing a play, and all i can think of is dialogue, dialogue, dialogue. song writing is a problem too. i want to write poetry that makes a perfect love song, but that is eluding me, and when i strike a pot of gold i can never carry it through out the whole song.

and i need the perfect song before christmas this year!!!!

i think i'm thinking too hard.

you're in my heart just like a tattoo

2007-12-12T15:09:00.000+08:00

when nothing you can do can change my mind

i think its extremely interesting what people see in you that you dont see yourself. especially those that you find out and feel warm and fuzzy inside. and then you sit under covers and out of the rain that's pouring outside and think that life is worth living, even though you think it isn't.

i have suddenly decided that life is worth living again, because all i needed was a little boost, and i found it. :)

anyway. christmas is round the corner and other than the very obvious Jesus is born fact that would make me happy, i was wondering about the other things that make christmas special enough that people wait for months in anticipation for it. i guess i have some idea: in about a week everyone i love and care for will be back in Singapore, and there shall be wine, food and laughter everywhere. there will be the odd present or two (which reminds me. i need to go shopping.), the odd turkey or two, and the odd crazy hat or two. but you see, the important thing is that there will be more than 2 people to spend christmas with, and i'm really looking forward to being with people i love this year. :) time to break the cycle of spending christmas alone or with people i'm not familiar with.

(my writing's a little disjointed. i'm a little afraid that i've lost my voice.)

anyway, 2008 looks set to be an exciting blast and i'm waiting for it to come so i can enjoy it. i look back at all the work i've done and i realise that next year may be the best one yet, because i will really be doing what i want to do. i may not make any money, but the experiences and the whole idea of mounting this is making me feel all buzzed up and ready to go. :)

so here's to 2008, a few weeks too early. :P

that's when i love you

2007-12-05T02:15:00.000+08:00

Aslyn - That's When I Love You

When you have to look away
When you don't have much to say
Thats when I love you
I love you, just that way

To hear you stumble when you speak
Or see you walk with two left feet
Thats when I love you
I love you, endlessly

And when your mad cause you lost a game
Forget I'm waiting in the rain
Baby i love you,
I love you anyway

Heres my promise made tonight
You can count "on" me for life
Thats when i love you
When nothing you do can change my mind
The more I learn, The more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
Thats when I love you,
When I love you no matter what

So when you turn to hide your eyes
Cause the movie it made you cry
Thats when I love you
I love you a little more each time

And when you cant quite match your clothes
Or when you laugh at your own jokes
Thats when I love you
I love you, more than youll know

And when you forget that we had a date
Or that look that you get when you show up late
Baby I love you, I love you anyway

Heres my promise made tonight
You can count "on" me for life
Thats when i love you
When nothing you do can change my mind
The more I learn, The more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
Thats when I love you,
When I love you no matter what

Thats when I love you
When nothing baby
Nothing you do could change my mind
The more I learn, The more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
Thats when I love you,
When I love you no matter what
No matter what

2007-11-27T23:05:00.000+08:00

i cant believe i willingly fight battles that i know i will lose.

2007-11-21T02:01:00.000+08:00

will you stay awake for me

i refuse to sleep.

dear love

you have done irreversible harm to me, but i think i like it.
i think i have already made my decision.
and when i say i love you, i really do. i cant deny that. :)
i miss you already.

Awake - Secondhand Serenade

With every appearance by you, blinding my eyes,
I can hardly remember the last time I felt like I do.
You're an angel disguised.

And you're lying real still,
but your heart beat is fast just like mine.
And the movie's long over,
that's three that have passed, one more's fine.

Will you stay awake for me?
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything.

I'm trying real hard not to shake. I'm biting my tongue,
But I'm feeling alive and with every breathe that I take,
I feel like I've won. You're my key to survival.

And if it's a hero you want,
I can save you. Just stay here.
Your whispers are priceless.
Your breath, it is dear. So please stay near.

Will you stay awake for me?
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything.

Say my name. I just want to hear you.
Say my name. So I know it's true.
You're changing me. You're changing me.
You showed me how to live.
So just say. So just say.

That you'll stay awake for me.
I don't wanna miss anything.
I don't wanna miss anything.
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything

i just don't wanna miss anything

2007-11-19T17:19:00.000+08:00

the road is long

it's been a long time since i've felt this way: and the anticipation kills me as each moment passes. perhaps i am worried that i will forget this attraction, this feeling that makes me all bubbly and strange inside, a euphoric sense of overwhelming emotion, and this is only the anticipation.

i have my fears and doubts though. i think ever so often you let yourself slip away from reality and into the idea that it could happen, only to see yourself fall down hard when you realise it aint gonna happen. but i overstep myself. the world in which we inhabit is limitless, and in this i find that fascinating feeling of finding yourself in relation to someone new, the forming of a new, previously unknown identity. i like that. i like that there's a morphability (is that even a word) in that world; in that moment i feel powerful and the confidence i hardly find comes knocking on my door.

i am wax lyrical-ing about something that isn't even in existence yet. you dont need to say it. i know i'm shameless.

but one cannot help but hope that it could happen. cannot help but wait because it's the damned exams and anything you want to happen must wait 3 weeks.

i fear the wait will kill me.

dreaming of things so impossible

2007-11-19T08:42:00.000+08:00

do you like coffee in the evening.

So she says,
"Everyone's going to the party
Won't you come if I come
with a friend for your friend?
I'd be so pleased to see you
Out of the classroom,
Wearing the smile that I'll bring you.
I was hoping to learn a few things, like........
Do you do you like dishing the dirt
On the whole class,
Talking the big smack,
Or playing the fool?
Wearing all of the latest fashions
Or bucking the new trends?
Wearing your old threads
Or if you like coffee in the evening.
These are a few things,
That I'd like to know;
That I'd like to know."

So I say,
"I've been scheduled to work,
But I'll call in.
And, my friend isn't busy,
He'd be happy to join me.
And maybe my friend and your friend
Will hit it off?
Or, maybe we will?
I'm dying to know........
Do you, do you like dreaming
Of things so impossible?
Or only the practical,
Or ever the wild?
Waiting through all of your
Bad, bad days;
Just to end them
With someone you care about?
But do you like making out,
And long drives and brown eyes
And guys that just don't quite fit in?
"Do you like them?"

"So, yes,
I'll see you there."

2007-11-18T23:51:00.000+08:00

something beautiful will come your way.

i am excited by the prospect of something beautiful blossoming, but much remains to be seen. in her own words: we have much ground to cover. i hope. and i hope this isnt a once off thing.

warhol was a real rip off, not withstanding i didnt spend a single cent. so much hype over nothing. in the words of daniel: it's pop art: it's always about the hype. and it's not that i didnt get it. it was just that it was really only half (or less) of what i expected it to be. pfft. and here i was thinking warhol was some cool shit. maybe i dont understand lah. that's why.

anyway. like i said, today was a day that will stay with me for long, and i had a thoroughly enjoyable time. photos are on facebook, so i wont bother to put them up here. :)

I am in love with you, i'm almost certain. :)

alrighty i gots to go. essay is done. must. hand. in. without. regret.

:)

will you stay awake for me?

2007-11-17T13:28:00.000+08:00

brown, blue, violet in the sky

last night i was out for drinks and cigarettes and the moping session went into full swing. we talked about everything we could think off, and let the conversations run like water and i really didnt realise how much i thought i trusted these people. i showed them what i was, am and potentially could become, while allowing myself to indulge in several fantasies that are strangely like hidden fact with them.

i feel better i think.

anyway. as i always do: moving on with life ...

auditioning for the west wing brought about surprising results for me, but for fear of confidentiality i shall not publicly divulge what happened. all i know is i'm confident of something major, and for that matter i better take modules next semester that are known to be easy. like, a 1101, or another level 1000 mod. maybe a science gem or breadth or whatever. i better start thinking about how to plan my mods and all that jazz. grr. hate university life.

but i love the people, and i also really love and miss all ma JC peoples! Hot DAMN i hope to see ya'll soon! 20th dec party huh? :) ALRIGHTY

exams, so might either be blogging more or taking a break. be back soon, :)

i'm getting stronger

2007-11-17T02:27:00.000+08:00

i am not confused, though i wished i could be.

sigh,

and you know the day's not quite right when you butcher a beatles song.

oh gosh.

time's a wasted go

2007-11-14T23:39:00.000+08:00

Everyone you know is gonna shine

I havent had much time to think about a lot of things, in between worrying what to put into my theatre essays (WHICH ARE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE AND I'M PRETTY DAMN WORRIED) and praxis and playing with my rubik's cube, which takes up SO MUCH time (heh.). thank goodness for extensions and foreign students. :)

anyway. i was reading people's blogs and it made me realise that when you go on a voyage to find everyone's blogs and bookmark them, they must really mean something. this is not your average "oh-look-'s-blog-lets-bookmark-it" situation. This is when you really make a conscious effort to keep track of people's lives, whether or not you keep track of your own. i think there is inherent beauty there, something that transcends many things: boundaries mostly.

anyway.

i have cut my hair. and it is now ridiculously short, even though i used to have shorter hair. i am suddenly reminded of my lost bet to crystal and dawn to not cut my hair for 6 months. That resulted in a fish and co treat which i still remember, one which i think i wanted more than winning the bet. if i had bet with dawn and crystal now, i would have won. well. maybe not. 6 months is ridiculously long: and after that, your hair will be too.

so i currently resemble a hay stack (Sigh.) but a cute one, i hope. heh. my mother likes it. but the last time i thought my mum had good taste i ended up buying a floral print wraparound skirt, which on hindsight is a clear monstrocity. mother doesn't always know best.

i have fallen in love with someone, and it's exciting. chance encounters, random conversations and all that. only thing is i have stopped hoping for something to happen. there is no point. and there's something very comforting about this space we're in: knowing each other well enough to stop for conversation, but not well enough to share secrets and other things. this liminal space has it's charm and it's beauty seems alluring. i think this is the best part of relationships: after this the excitement is moved to something else.

i'm learning to make do with the randomness. It's an escape for me.

to be only yours i pray

2007-11-14T00:40:00.000+08:00

chortle chortle

Q.What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

2007-11-13T22:27:00.000+08:00

a network of pricks

praxis. praxis. praxis. practice.

so where you going to tomorrow

2007-11-13T00:54:00.000+08:00

baby lets go

i have no idea what sociology says, and i have a tendency to be overly sentimental. These a disclaimers for the coming statement i am about to make.

i think i have found family in my praxis group.

i feel like we're all crazy brothers and sisters at play and i'm really lovin' it. not in the cheapo macdonald tag line way, but i'm really lovin' it. Uni might turn out to be not so bad after all.

And even though it bugs me that i'm still single, i'm ok wit it. because i know my friends will be around, and it will mean that for a moment all is ok in the world.

and that is comforting because much of this world is what you consider as screwed upside down on it's head with a flat screwdriver in a philips head.

and that is comforting because everyone needs family, and i think no matter how independent you try to be, you pull through because people are around you.

damn i miss VJ. THAT was a FAMILY too, except perhaps they all seem all too distant now.

it took me bloody 3 sems to find a replacement. dog-gone-it.

let's make the headlines

2007-11-12T13:35:00.000+08:00

when the dogs begin to smell her

And I feel that time’s a wasted go
So where ya going to tomorrow?
And I see that these are lies to come
Would you even care?

And I feel it
And I feel it

Where ya going for tomorrow?
Where ya going with that mask I found?
And I feel, and I feel
When the dogs begin to smell her
Will she smell alone?

And I feel, so much depends on the weather
So is it raining in your bedroom?
And I see, that these are the eyes of disarray
Would you even care?

And I feel it
And she feels it

Where ya going to tomorrow?
Where ya going with that mask I found?
And I feel, and I feel
When the dogs begin to smell her
Will she smell alone?

When the dogs do find her
Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow
To find it, to find it, to find it
When the dogs do find her
Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow
To find it, to find it, to find it

Where ya going for tomorrow?
Where ya going with that mask I found?
And I feel, and I feel
When the dogs begin to smell her
Will she smell alone?

When the dogs do find her
Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow
To find it, to find it, to find it
When the dogs do find her
Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow
To find it, to find it, to find it
To find it
To find it
To find it

2007-11-10T00:35:00.000+08:00

had my heart on lockdown

or at least i thought i did. then you came along and made me open it up and turn it around for you, which i find extremely irritating.

anyway, that is inconsequential. i want to rant and rave.

i believe i am a relatively decent person, i care, i'm generous, i put others before myself, i'm sensitive to other people's feelings, i'm relatively funny, i always try my very best and i am not lacking intelligence.

so my dear friends, please explain to me again why i'm still bloody single????

dont get me wrong. i'm not desperate for a mate. but. why can't i find someone who i'm right for, and who is right for me????

dont worry. i'm just being a little wonky from 4 hours of sleep and somehow wishing and hoping i will find someone somewhere.

if not i'll just sit and wait til i cross paths with whoever you are. come to me. i miss you terribly. :(

the hardest part is knowing that i can only
hope to no end in sight and i must
refrain from holding you when
i want to even if it's just for no reason
in particular but the need to be
close to someone somewhere when this world
gets me down,
i don't know where to go by myself
and i sit pondering that perhaps
perhaps, i will find that you are
the angel i was made to believe was
You.

everyone else has had more sex than me

2007-11-05T00:58:00.000+08:00

dont come round here.

i'm sorry. but i give up.

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

heaven bent, to take my hand

2007-10-29T10:37:00.000+08:00

clash of interests.

so today, i begin a new life, reading the bible and TRYING to stay on track to try and finish the whole bible in one year. by this time next year i expect to be a new person, because God's word changes (yes, i know i dont look the part, but i believe that.) people, and i want to be changed, by His word. :)

i am cautious though. i'm scared as hell, but i'm also scared of hell. so in there lies the delicate balance. :)

anyway. i read with much disappointment an email forwarded to me from a youth leader of mine (i will not name names) this morning. i am resolved to not let it ruin my day, but i need to get it out of my system before i can move on with life.

it doesnt piss me off per se, but it irks me that someone i have been told i must respect (i dont know him enough, but i think i do respect him to some extent. he's a great guy, dont get me wrong) could do something so amazingly ignorant. He rallies people to vote that it was right that the Government kept 377A because apparently, on this online poll, 62% of the people polled have said that it was wrong of the government to not repeal it.

The email even said to be responsible, and to remove the sender's email and name when the mail is forwarded such that it prevents abuse.

my question is: if you've got an opinion and want people to support you, what have you got to hide by keeping anonymous?

and honestly, do you even know what you're asking people to poll? by agreeing with the Government's decision you are reinforcing the constitutional discrimination of basic human rights. 377A is NOT TIED to morality, not tied to what is accepted or rejected (and on what basis, anyway) in a community, BUT TIED INEXTRICABLY TO THE DENIAL OF BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS. If the constitution were to suddenly ban all church evangelism activities (which is the basic human right of free speech) on the basis that it is morally wrong to try and convert people, WOULD YOU AGREE BASED ON MORAL RIGHT?

supporting the REPEAL of 377A doesnt mean that the person is gay, or that the person has lesser morals and values. it merely means that one believes in equality, and that people have the right to keep their bedroom activities to themselves. It doesnt mean that one agrees with the way gays live their lives (in any case, what is disagreeable?). My friend once said that seeking acceptance is inherently ironic; acceptance should come naturally, not demanded. this is not a demand for acceptance, this is a demand that basic rights to privacy be made equal for all humanity. and gay people are human too. AS MUCH HUMAN AS YOU ARE, STRAIGHT PEOPLE.

and honestly. pause awhile and think with me here: God doesnt love less the one who is gay. God doesnt see your sexuality: he sees you as a person, and loves you for being that person. by propagating this in the church context, what kind of message are you trying to preach? think of the numerous amount of people out there who are pushed away from hearing the gospel by your stand, whether intentionally or not? doesnt the propagation of this message go against your Christian (idealistic) duty to love as God loves? why must you unwittingly pass judgement like that, when clearly, you are human and in no position to judge too.

it is things like this that make it hard to stay in the church. I do not believe that God loves me less due to my sexuality. i do not believe that God cannot use me the way i am. And i do not believe that my sexuality cannot glorify God, because i believe God can use it to reach out to many people out there who are struggling like me.

finally, coming back to the poll: does it bother you that people's mindsets are changing? that perhaps the Government's choice this time round was wrong in some sense? why do you need such an online poll to justify your beliefs? what good is man's justification, if your beliefs are firmly couched in God?

my main point is this: be careful what you're promoting, when you dont understand the full context of it. you are entitled to your opinion, so perhaps you will take what i've written as an expression of my own.

i'm not wasting anymore of my time on this.

let it go. let it roll right off your shoulder.

2007-10-27T16:11:00.000+08:00

And I hate how much I love you girl
I can’t stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can’t let you go
And I hate that I love you so

2007-10-21T01:38:00.000+08:00

i miss the spice girls

You just walk in, I make you smile
It's cool but you don't even know me
You take an inch, I run a mile
Can't win you're always right behind me

And we know that you could go and find some other
Take or leave it or just don't even bother
Caught in a craze, it's just a phase
Or will this be around forever

(Ohh) Don't you know it's going to fast
(Ohh) Racing so hard you know it won't last
Don't you know, what can't you see?
Slow it down, read the signs, so you know just where you're going

[chorus:]
Stop right now, thank you very much
I need somebody with the human touch
Hey you always on the run
Gotta slow it down baby, gotta have some fun

Do do... Always be together
Ba da... Stay that way forever

And we know that you could go and find some other
Take or leave it 'cause we've always got each other
You know who you are and yes, you're gonna breakdown
You've crossed the line so you're gonna have to turn around

(Ohh) Don't you know it's going to fast
(Ohh) Racing so hard you know it won't last
Don't you know, what can't you see?
Slow it down, read the signs, so you know just where you're going

[chorus:] [2x]
Stop right now, thank you very much
I need somebody with the human touch
Hey you always on the run
Gotta slow it down baby, gotta have some fun

Gotta keep it down honey, lay your back on the line
'Cause I don't care about the money
Don't be wasting my time
You need less speed, get off my case
You gotta slow it down baby, just get out of my face

[chorus:] [2x]
Stop right now, thank you very much
I need somebody with the human touch
Hey you always on the run
Gotta slow it down baby, gotta have some fun

Stop right now, (Stop right now) thank you very much,
(We wanna thank you)
I need somebody with (Wanna thank you) the human touch,
(Stop right now)
Hey you always on the run,
Gotta (Thank you very much) slow it down baby,
gotta have some fun (thank you very much)

2007-10-13T14:35:00.000+08:00

Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here that I don't understand
Your face-saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them

'cause I've been treated so wrong,
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
Well, contempt loves the silence, it thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart
They say that promises sweeten the blow
but I don't need them, no I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong,
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm a slow-dying flower
In the frost-killing hour
Sweet turning sour and untouchable

I need the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the weakness
Oh I need this
I need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight, angel, sweet love of my life
Oh I need this

I'm a slow-dying flower
Frost-killing hour
The sweet turning sour and untouchable

Do you remember the way that you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored
Your face-saving promises
Whispered liked prayers
I don't need them

I need the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the weakness
Oh, I need this
I need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight, angel, sweet love of my life
Oh, I need this
Well is it dark enough
Can you see me
Do you want me
Can you reach me
Oh, I'm leaving
Better shut your mouth, and hold your breath
You kiss me now, you catch your death
Oh, I mean this
Oh, I mean this

2007-10-01T12:54:00.000+08:00

coffee cups and morning breath

i havent had coffee in awhile and i think i really miss it. i like my coffee with milk or cream and sugar or caramel, none of which i am able to consume given my weak stomach which has decided to go completely bonkers on itself. i suppose it could be a good thing if i were forced to stay away from dairy, fizzy and other obscure and dodgy food. the tendency to snack is almost completely eliminated and i'll probably lose some weight. but it sucks. BLOODY STOMACH GET BACK TO PROPER DIGESTION!!!!

*burp. i have been doing alot of that. sorry. *blush.

anyway. life is completely back to normal (other than my disagreeable stomach) because all the overseas people have returned overseas and life has been restored to it's normal mundane self. i am happy (in a way), just very stressed with shooting my short film and then having to edit it, which i'm not looking forward to. perhaps it's this constant moving around that's making the healing process take so long. i hope i feel better soon. on second thought perhaps life isnt back to normal. what is "normal" anyway? (very existential. i'm moving on.)

*burp.

i'm ending this. it's a very useless post. til then.

i have measured out my life with coffee spoons.

2007-09-26T22:55:00.000+08:00

wake up call

listening again to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat has made me think about my stand about certain things. like how to take things in your stride, and how to keep going despite everything.

perhaps that last post was not about taking things lying down, but it was instrumental, knowing someone out there understood how i felt.

anyway, my point.

Joseph, for those of you who dont know the story, was really treated like shit in his life. he was really given the worst of the worst. the worst lot of everything. He was sold as a slave by his own brothers, and then like that wasnt the worst, he was framed for having sex with his boss' wife which he didnt and then thrown into jail. and he rotted. he rotted at the bottom of the food chain, with every door closed to him, his day time darkened and his night time tortured.

and did he complain? no. amazing, aint it?

and then what happened? his acceptance of his fate allowed him to reach out and help others, and then eventually, help the pharoah and become Egypt's 2nd in Command.

what's there to learn from this?

maybe the lot given to you isnt as bad as it looks after all. and all good things dont always have happy and easy roads leading to them.

i realised this after listening to Joseph again.

go go go, Joseph!

2007-09-15T00:26:00.000+08:00

one short of 400.

To Whom It May Concern,

It is with great heaviness that I write this, and with even more burden to find the courage to make my voice heard. I don’t know why I want to write this, why I cannot be silent about it; I know not why it matters so much to me. Maybe I’m an egotist, maybe I’m self-absorbed. Maybe I’m a whole host of things you want to label me with at the end of reading this. But all that does not matter; I just want to say my peace and walk away from this.

My journey with The Jeweler’s Shop was short and relatively fast for a theatre production. I must admit that I enjoyed it a lot, and I had fun in many aspects. What I saw was a working and breathing group of people who liked what they were doing, and to have been a part of it was in some ways a privilege. I consider myself lucky that I was able to learn how working backstage is like (given my theatre experience, this is the first time I’m backstage DURING the show’s actual run). I would like to express my gratitude towards Walk on Water for giving me the opportunity to learn in a relatively comfortable environment less threatening than in a real world situation. I enjoyed the company and the many relationships, personal or professional, that I forged with the Ensemble, with Che, Alan, Laurie and Rajesh and with the rest of the stage crew. The experience was made much more enjoyable because of all of them. Thank you for being the wonderful people that you are.

I have always thought of productions in terms of the on stage drama and the backstage, behind-the-scenes “drama” which almost certainly runs concurrently with each other. Most times, in the professional working environment I am used to, it is easy to separate the professional with the personal, because at the end of the day, getting the job done is the most important thing. With this production, I suppose it’s vastly different, given that it is a church led production after all, yet it was performed to a paying public, and was meant to function pretty much like a professional production. The clear line between professional and personal is suddenly blurred, and it is difficult territory to thread. Sometimes, things are better left as strictly professional and strictly personal. That very fragile balance was missing in this production, and many things began to border on the personal more that the professional. The problem then becomes this: trying to work professionally in the common sense of the word under such circumstances. In theatre it is about the community, but what is strictly work is strictly work, and play is play. Sometimes the elements mixed themselves in this production, especially with the call to be professional and efficient, and then suddenly watching youtube videos or laughing together when there was work left to be done. This inconsistency would not have bothered me so much if it was not coupled with being rushed to clean up the space or packing up the props for movement. True, it was my job, but if I was offered a little more help from the people who were rushing me, perhaps I would have been much faster. In any case, my point is simple. If it is professional, say it is and ACT like it is. If it is something not so formal, it is not to say it cannot be of the same quality work as a professional production. A balance just has to be struck, and perhaps it is something to learn for the future.

The Hierarchy of power in a community, as you all have strongly advocated, is essential to the efficient running of it. In the theatre, this is even more pronounced, because the director’s final say is important, and if absent could spell disaster for the production. When directions come from multiple parties who are considered in the position of authority, it would be best for every one to be on the same page. In this production while the director ultimately did have the final say, sometimes instructions came from other people who were deserving of the same amount of consideration as the director, and these instructions were often very different from the director’s decision. What was worse was the ignorance that came with the confrontation of the situation, leaving the responsibility for the mistake to fall squarely on the shoulders of those who, in the first place, were carrying out their instructions. This resulted in a waste of money, time and also much dissatisfaction from the person who carried out the instructions. The point is not that multiple instructions are wrong, or that the person was unable to handle them. The point is being ultimately accountable for your actions. I urge you to consider the possibility of a single source of accountability, because it would save you so much trouble. Or at least, let there be adequate discussion between whoever is involved before issuing instructions. Anything less is evidence for the lack of planning, which is not the most ideal of situations.

Something else I would like to point out is the mis-crediting of people in the programme. I think it is very unfortunate that an otherwise brilliantly designed programme had to be marred by a mistake which could have been avoided. If I remember correctly, I was engaged to volunteer in this production to help out with props specifically, and then I mentioned that I would be available for your disposal to whatever faculties within the production you needed me. I think I have kept my end of the promise. I gave off myself and helped Stephanie to the best of my abilities, helping her with Props, volunteering to become a stage hand, helping Stephanie to sort out the T-Shirts and trying my best to be “kay-po” and making sure I was available for whatever help that was needed. From my perspective I do believe I did all of this, and if it was not seen, then perhaps what I did was not enough. Or it could have just gone un-noticed. Whatever the reason, I was first and foremost props mistress, and I did my best to secure props for the show. While it was acknowledged verbally, I now have nothing to show for it, because I have been credited wrongly. For the purposes of the production I decided I could be OK with it. I did not want it to hinder my involvement in the Production, and so I made it known that it was “ok”. I was even willing to accept that this was not a professional production, and thus, I was in no position to demand for a re-print, or a printing of stickers or some other way to rectify the mistake, as would be common practice in the Industry. Maybe it did not matter to anyone else in the production to be mis-credited, and given, the reason for participation in this was not to be credited. However, please remember that my reasons for being in this production were strictly professional. Coming from a background that is not catholic, I found it difficult to have any other reason. From henceforth, perhaps you may never work with anyone outside of your community again. But if you do, I urge you to be more careful with people’s feelings. I was ok with it; but that doesn’t mean I was not hurt. A credit may be all the recognition that one gets from being in the production. I hope no one else will have to experience not being recognized like what I felt.

I may not be in the position to preach, but within the church context, when trying to reach out to others, shouldn’t the community be able to show adequate care and concern to those within or in close proximity to the community first? I am speaking from a largely personal and emotional point of view here, and thus, I might be biased and clouded with misjudgment. But my point is I felt a sad negligence for the morale of the people involved in the production. The use of harsh words like “stupid” and the cracking of jokes with less than desirable connotations are vastly insensitive and very uncalled-for. I must bring to attention one particular incident which concerned me specifically, and that was when the Gorilla suit was tried on for the first time, and everyone was suitably tickled by it. I was amused by the costume and was in the midst of sharing my laughter with Stephanie, who was sitting on my lap, when Kevin questioned us both about what was going on. The reply that came was “Nothing”, to which he proceeded to comment: “Good. There better be nothing”. If the offensiveness of this statement is lost on you, perhaps I should make it clear: it was a direct reference to a lesbian relationship, (I find no other way to take it), based on the physical closeness of the act of sitting on my lap, and perhaps on my personal appearance. The reason this comment was not appreciated and was taken offensively was because of the seemingly complete utter disrespect that came with the statement. Without going into too much detail, I have fought my own battles with issues pertaining to my own sexuality, and have a history of being bisexual and sexually active. I have since taken an oath of abstinence, which is my way of committing my sexuality to God. I recognize that my appearance invites such connotations, but comments like this are really not what I expected from a community that calls itself Christian and is doing God’s work. I am not so much offended as I am concerned with how easily the comment was made. Were my feelings as a person inconsequential? Did it not occur to Kevin that the remark would have been offensive, even if he did not know of my past and was only joking? This merely reflects on the utter disregard for those who are not within your own community, which leads to the question of how are you then able to reach out to those who not yet know the Lord when the way you treat people who are in close contact with your community is with such carelessness?

I have tried my best to be as professional and as objective as I can, but being personally and emotionally involved in this, it is very hard to be. I have feared that this is the progression my letter has taken, which is very unfortunate. The circumstances under which the production took place were perhaps regrettable, at which point I must move on to the main issue whose repurcussions have created the necessity for this letter. Please allow me first, to establish that I did not, and do not approve of Stephanie’s actions, walking out on the production the night before the opening. However, this is not to say I think she had no reason for doing so. She had reasons which I think were valid to some degree. Whatever her reasons, the fact is that it happened, and as many of you know I tried my best to salvage the situation, and tried to work it out with her. She ultimately made the decision to apologise, returned, and continued with her duties with full commitment thereafter, and no less. Objectively speaking both sides were at fault. Stephanie was wrong to have acted so rashly, but I do think the situation at hand was not handled very well by those in authority. We move on with the show anyway, and at the end of the production, in reflection, a blog post was written. What surprised me was the replies that came to that post which were less than favourable, a subsequent demand for an apology, and many phone calls and voicemails which bordered on threathening. The situation snowballed and caused me much distress. I was already emotionally affected from the start by having to help carry my friend’s burdens (which I must insist I consider a privilege), which no one else seemed to be really interested in. No one asked why Stephanie was so upset, or at least, no one ever bothered to try to really understand. I was, at that point, ready to leave the episode behind and get on with the production. But subsequently, after the blog post, everything else that transpired, the comments, the demands made and the voicemails brought everything back to my attention again. Emotionally I was being drained again, worrying about all the effects of these statements on my friend which I consider in someways to be harsh and mean. The situation affected me more than it should have, leaving me angered and upset. This was when I felt the complete disregard for the feelings of the people around. I want to plead with you, as I did before, to stop pursuing the matter if my contributions to this production meant anything to you. I want to move on with my life as much as you do, but everything that happens presents a new obstacle to me. It concerns me, no matter what you say, simply because Stephanie is a very dear friend. I accept that she might have made some mistakes, but your relentless pursuit borders on being rather victimising. Please, I urge you, let everyone move on with their lives. We did not plan to cause anymore trouble or try anything funny. We know our boundaries and limits. You have our word.

My only aim of writing this is perhaps only for my own catharsis and reflection, and for me to come to terms with what has happened while working with The Jeweler’s Shop. I also hope, however, that this letter has brought to light some of the things that I think will be worth looking at for your ministry to be able to progress and grow. I may not be in the position to tell you this, I may have stepped out of line, but what I can say is everything in this letter has been nothing short of honest, and I absolutely mean no malice. I would like to apologize if anything in this letter has offended anyone. I just wanted to be heard.

Thank you for your time.

With Love,
Liting

2007-09-12T22:19:00.000+08:00

i'm so hollow, baby.

to whom it may concern, after all of this, if you're aware that i existed.

PLEASE stop pursuing this matter. you may think this doesnt concern me, but it does, and it is tiring me out emotionally, and it is a burden i've had to carry alone. right from the beginning, none of you have had to carry what i've had to, because at the very end i've had had to bear the brunt of everything.

please spare me some thought, if you even remember me. Please, on my account, drop this whole mess and let everyone move on with their lives. i've been very affected by this whole issue right from the beginning and in your fighting and bickering it hasnt made it easy to bear.

so please. i am BEGGING you. stop. sleeping dogs need to be laid down and allowed to lie.

-LT

2007-09-11T15:32:00.000+08:00

I'm so hollow, baby

2007-09-03T01:14:00.000+08:00

a long way down

Your love is better than ice cream
Better than anything else that I've tried
And your love is better than ice cream
Everyone here knows how to fight

And it's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way down to the place
Where we started from

Your love is better than chocolate
Better than anything else that I've tried
And oh, love is better than chocolate
Everyone here knows how to cry

It's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way down to the place
Where we started from...

GORGEOUS.

2007-08-28T00:12:00.000+08:00

from a tree's point of view

Narrator: Boys climb trees. Boys climb trees all the time. i don't think it has made any difference to their lives.
Woman: Because a boy climbs a tree to conquer it. A girl climbs a tree to become part of it. To try to become part of it. it doesn't always work.

- The Woman in a Tree on a Hill, Ovidia Yu

I am inspired. not by this play per se, but by all of the things i've been reading. I am going to write. and i will write this play. no matter how much it'll take out of me i'm going to write a play. :) and when it's staged, i hope people will see it for it's literary, but even more so, theatrical merit. :) the dream begins here.

i'm big, blonde and beautiful!

2007-08-24T22:16:00.000+08:00

orgasm=soul

nothing subversive, just this:

Shaun: So why do you consider yourself a better judge than all other people? Your Education? I doubt so because a BA is no guarantee against bad judgement or immorality.
Derek: It's an MPA actually. London U.
Shaun: Whatever paper you possess, your presumption of superiority is based on no solid grounds.
Derek: I don't know.
Shaun: If That is so, give people the benefit of the doubt.

-The Lady of Soul and her Ultimate 'S' Machine - Tan Tarn How

political theatre, where are you?

Looking for the Lady of Soul

2007-08-16T23:50:00.000+08:00

the trouble with love is.

it can make you want to do things differently, just because it makes you a better person.

i can't count the number of times i must have said it's time for change, and my inert ass keeps me from actually legitimising the bastard-ness of the written word. i am resolved (as always) to do something, whether it happens or not (as always) is a wholly separate matter.

in any case, i made a painful (well, not quite.) revelation that i am definitely not the easiest person to love, in the words of corrine may. i have heavy baggage, which i like to conveniently dump on people, and the problem is i expect them to carry it for me, not with me. it upsets me when they dont, which is thoroughly unfair. i want this to change. it wont be easy, it wont be over night, but it will happen. it has to, or a midlife crisis i think, is in the works.

so there, is my mid year (or slightly passed) resolution to make a change. i need all the strength i can muster for this, so i'm gonna do my best. :) it is, the start of something new. :)

but, back to the title of my post. i realised when i get reflexive i think about multiple things at a time, but some to a larger extent, some to a lesser one. i realised that relationships sometimes need choppy waters for you to know if they're working out, and to jerk them into place sometimes so that things can either move forward (favourably) or backward (which isn't quite as favourable, hmm?). but life is about this unceasing flux, this unchangeable certainty of the presence of change, together with those 2 horrid things known as death and taxes. if it jolts, it means something. the worry comes when you lose interest and it doesnt seem to affect you. so sometimes you take heart in the jolting, knowing that it jolted because it was important.

and sometimes, you realise that the word love that utters out of your mouth is a test beyond anything else you can ever experience. conversely, when you're the one being loved, you realise how difficult it is to love in a difficult situation, but you realise all the same that you are loved, so you are grateful. it's like a dicotomy, a tension between being GREAT-Ful, and being GRATE-Ful. both you will experience, and both will teach you something. and it's a great situation to be in, if it's balanced out. i'm blessed, beyond measure i think, to be one who is existing in that elusive yet attainable middle ground.

however, there is an uncertainty that lurks; with love's strength it grows proportionately, one day something out of the ordinary happens, and the uncertainty rears it's head at you like you are the chosen one, which in some ways you are.

ok. just to get to the damned point, i'm hoping nothing i said opened too big a can of worms. i can't control that, but i hope you know i love you, with the kind that needs testing, so i'll know it's strong. i'm uncertain; my personality is one that is naturally suspicious (so says my key chain), but i'm gonna risk it all. it's the only way i know how.

:)

perhaps, i'm the one who survives.

2007-08-11T00:44:00.000+08:00

The 5 Survey.. :P

just for kicks. :)

5 years ago:
that would be 2002, sec 3 i think. I THINK. i can't really remember. Katong Convent. what a part of my life i sometimes wished i could forget.

5 snacks I enjoy:
1. Chippy's 3ple C (Stef, i dont care what you say, it IS a snack)
2. Qi Ji Popiah
3. Lemon Gelato (tastes great with dark chocolat gelato by the way.)
4. tako pachi
5. Tori Q skewers. :)

5 songs I know all the words to:
1. Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
2. Penny and Me - Hanson
3. California Dreamin' - Mamas and Papas
4. Seasons of Love - Cast of RENT
5. I don't wanna miss a thing - Aerosmith

5 Things I would do with $100 million:
1. Go somewhere else to study
2. Buy a Loft and move my parents there
3. Make sure there's enough set aside for my Bro to go to school
4. Do some charity work with part of the money
5. Buy cool stuff :)

5 locations I would like to run away to:
1. New York City (NO. 1 PLACE!!!)
2. Boston
3. A Luxury Hotel somewhere
4. Europe, somehow.
5. Ameoba Music Shop in LA

5 Favorite toys:
1. My Mac
2. My Ipod
3. Cucumber. (i feel like he needs to be here. dont know why also.)
4. My Guitar
5. My Frying pan (Yes i can cook without burning anything.)

there it is. what a bloody waste of time. haha!

it's the wrong kind of place to be cheating on you.

2007-08-02T13:21:00.000+08:00

girl put your records on

hero/heroine - Boys Like Girls

It's too late baby
There's no turning around
I got my hands in my pocket
and my head in the cloud
This is how I do
when I think about you

I never thought you could break me apart
I keep a sinister smile and a hole in my heart
you wanna get inside
then you can get in line
but not this time

'Cause you caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero
and you are my heroine

I wont try to philosophize
I'll just take a deep breath and I look in your eyes
This is how I feel
and its so surreal

I got a closet filled up to the brim
with the ghost of my past and the skeletons
and I don't know why
you'd even try
but I won't lie

You caught me off guard
now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero
and you are my heroine
do you know that your love is the sweetest sin

And I feel a weakness coming on
never felt so good to be so wrong
had my heart on lock down
and then you turned me around
And I feel like a newborn child
everytime I get a chance to see you smile
it's that complicated
I was so jaded

And you caught me off guard
now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero
and you are my heroine
do you know that your love is the sweetest sin

i like this song. :D check it out here:

cause you caught me off guard

2007-07-30T00:47:00.001+08:00

nobody said it was easy

i feel like it's the end of a chapter of my life, an era that was great while it lasted. today i felt like i would never share the stage with you ever again, and all we did would suddenly come to an abrupt, inconvenient end, when the truth is we're just getting started.

i'm hurting, even though i dont know how to tell you so maybe you can make it right.

one year ago, we were this:

right now i dont know when we'll ever do this again. but it was great, while it lasted huh? :) at least we did as much nonsense as we could while it lasted. down the road, we'll see how it all goes, because i'm sad, but hopeful, that IMPERFECT ORIGINAL will be back some day, when i can get over being angry with you for quirks i used to be able to live with. i guess that's why it's about acceptance: faults and all. and love can conquer it all, because you learn to ignore, or you learn to accept. live and learn, as they say. well.

i'm pensive. hopeful, dreaming of something possible in the future, something on it's way. i guess when "drops of Jupiter" became our song, it was like a prophecy: that you would go on your journey, and i on mine, and we'll both ponder if we'll miss each other while we're looking for ourselves out there.

i wonder.

"Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
Oh take me back to the start."

- Coldplay: The Scientist

tear don't you fall

2007-07-27T01:23:00.001+08:00

JAM at the ARTS HOUSE

am gigging at the arts house on:

Sat: 630pm to 8pm
Sun: 1230pm to 2pm

Imperfect Original is back. :D

Earshot cafe! click here for map. :)

HOPE TO SEE YOU! :D

2007-07-27T01:07:00.000+08:00

scar tissue i wished you saw

i dont remember much of it really, i woke up and you were smiling at me, sitting by my bed. you were distracted. i wasnt sure if it was me, or the computer screen you were smiling at, but i woke up and you were there. i asked you to come closer, and you did. i took your hand in mine and held it. then you came into my bed and we kissed, not passionately, just tenderly, like 2 people in love often do. everything seemed to be right in that place and time, where we embraced, fitting onto each other comfortably like 2 pieces of an uncomplicated puzzle.

i kissed you again, and we lay there in the early morning light, happy.

i dreamt about you again last night, but this time it was too real. too painful to even look back on and wonder how it could have ended. the last i know, i woke up (for real) and you were no longer there. i wished to hell that it could have been true.

"No you don't mean nothing at all to me
But you got what it takes to set me free
Oh you could mean everything to me"
- Say it Right, Nelly Furtado

i could sing you another bridge that i made.

2007-07-23T00:10:00.000+08:00

377A

asian boys wasn't what i thought it would be; it was thought provoking, edgy, and everything the opposite if a whiney gay play. the stereotype of a gay play (which is from the fact i have only seen ONE other gay play) has been broken for me. and what i saw on stage was raw emotion and real truths. it's pretty life changing stuff. i found a part of me amidst the katharsis the play triggered, and realised yes, that's the only way i know how to be happy.

so i'm embarking on a journey, in search of balance; that elusive middle ground again. but before i do that, i need to begin a journey to self acceptance.

in anycase, allow me first to indulge in some emotional self katharsis. it seems only logical to purge myself in writing.

a part of me died when you told me we were only friends. i didnt want to admit it, but i can't help it. we didnt have much of a relationship anyway, so there wasnt anything to lose. what we had was a friendship which i couldnt explain. a friendship i still hold dear, something i hope to see grow. maybe we'll never have anything more, but i guess i'm ready to accept that. i'm not gonna wear a broken heart on my shoulder anymore.

ok. no more katharsis. i get a little sick with myself if it's too much.

anyway. i perform at the arts house next weekend. :) call me if you want details. details will be up soon anyway. haha :P

tell me what we gonna do now.

2007-07-19T14:05:00.000+08:00

i'm (not) every woman

i think i'm chronically able to personalise everything that happens to me, which i think will lead to an eventual emotional breakdown. but i dont think so either. i'm still alive anyway. :)

in any case. thank goodness we're all alright :)

you said all the world was dreaming without you

2007-07-18T01:30:00.000+08:00

what you say, we both go and seize the day?

i've been thinking about life in the moments, and how these small hours, these little wonders could be that much more beautiful. we miss them, sometimes, you know, little moments shared with others that amuse, touch, connect, warm. like the time i looked at diana when karl (my CG leader) said he missed bible study, or the time i was enjoying my ipod when i looked over and saw a women with her book open on her lap, listening intently to her ipod. she didnt know it, but in that moment i shared her enjoyment; the need to put down that book so that the song can get to you through and through. trivial, maybe, but i felt united with her for that very second.

then rational thought got the better of me, and the moment passed. i almost wished i could have grasped it.

anyway, i have a gig in 2 weeks and no new song to sing. then i realised i havent physically written anything creative in awhile. it's like a mental block to my creativity from i dont know what, which i hope to be able to break down soon. one thing is for sure though, i'm comfortable. but that's scary. and i dont want it to remain like that.

Dollies is over and i almost wished i could say done with. but i cant so i guess this is not good bye yet. you almost think that after 4 shows, the dim sum novelty would have worn off. but if the show consistently throws you new surprises, i guess it's not quite that way. which is a good thing i guess. i mean, it is to me, singaporean and it's these kinda things that make singapore a great place to live in. i was half working backstage anyway, and i miss my giant bitter gourd right now (yes, i made a giant bittergourd!). i hope if they dont want it i can have it. :) it's not a lady's finger OK! grr.

i came to the conclusion the other day, by the way, that it is only at dim sum dollies that i feel the slightest bit proud that i'm singaporean. and also, patriotic. i think the dollies make it a point. it just gives the show so much more heart, and it's one of the times i feel all warm and fuzzy about my country. on the night of the last show, i went to the esplanade viewing room with steph and several other volunteers and witnessed the sight of a theatre full of people waving singapore flags. i think the dollies really have got it right; this is what NDP should be. :)

which, leads me, i think into somewhat hostile territory, by making me want to rant about how i think singapore is NOT a democratic country, and that the whole world is plotting to make us think we are. in many ways, i think we resemble a communist state. national day parades that are similar to military parades, musicals written for the purpose of propagating a govt idea, an information ministry, and many other oddities in this country. it's a joke, really. but i have reasons to love it anyway; it is after all, a house, a shell in which my HOME exists. and yes, "if ever i leave, i will start to pine" for many things which are truly uniquely singapore. STB got at least, i think, half the story right :)

anyway. i've just successfully managed to rant about something totally random. i need to go and become rational again. i am tired. i want to su reep. :P

tired of losing battles with myself.

2007-07-12T02:07:00.000+08:00

let it burn

the familiar feeling came again, that feeling of confessions. and the subsequent feelings that come with it. well. it's done. and i just gotta let it burn. for once i think usher made alot of sense.

anyway. i'm not gonna get all wax lyrical about it. it's best just to live and learn. :)

do you do you like dreaming of things so impossible,
or only the practical, or ever the wild?
waiting through all your bad bad days
just to end them with someone you care about.

- so impossible, dashboard confessional.

anyway. dim sum is ending soon and it's been rather awesome and traumatising at the same time. i've been consistently screwing up and then trying to pick up the pieces, or being screwed by something then trying to just pick up those pieces. but all in all, it's been fun. guat hoon and xin en are dears. and jolly fun to be with. :) i think i will laugh myself into abs by the end of the run. :) which is a good thing, innit? six pack, just by laughing. laughter, as they say, is the best medicine. :) also, i smell an imminent next project coming. :)

anyway, it's late, i'm tired, procrastinating, and i should probably sureep :) i'm going to dream about whatever it is that has eluded me til now. :)

i used to be you.

2007-07-01T20:30:00.000+08:00

dear readers.

i am in dire need of an update, and i know that. so here it is. my life is in theatre marketing limbo and i'm tired but also enjoying it. life is good (apart from the ever present nagging pain that comes from heartburn). i dont think i'm sick. i refuse to think i am, but i know, at the back of my mind i know something must be wrong. so friends, please pray for me. :)

anyway. coming back from the US i feel like a very different person, perhaps, more, as people around me say, a lot more at peace. i dont feel at peace. i feel all over the place, but it's this crazy running around that i think, makes me so much more at peace when i'm at play. i cant be bothered to think when i'm with people i love. except the ocassional need to work doubly hard so i can keep up with conversations. :P all in all though, i feel great. working (not as hard i think, as my peers though) is therapeutic. i never thought i would say that. but there. i did. haha. :P

i've been thinking about things that matter to me, like my faith, and other important issues and i've learnt alot of things.
i've learnt restraint; that publically declaring something has its consequences, some of which i cannot bear now.
i've learnt to let go also; that God will hear and He will comfort.
i've learnt to accept; that things may change, but things may also be better, or that things still can go on.
i've learnt to widen my view; that the world is not always at fault. sometimes it is my fault, and i have the power to rectify things.
i've learnt that what i am is what i am; that if i dont accept it, then no one ever will.
i've learnt that i'm still young; if i dont enjoy myself now, i'll never have the chance to do it again.
i've also learnt that i'm no big shot; and i want to be, so hard work it is.

that's alot of learning huh? that's why i've been on a hiatus. :)

but i'm back, with a VENGENCE! :D

performing in church at passionArt was surreal, and i know what the next step is for me, but at the same time i feel like a donkey. God says "go." and you go: "really ah? what if it's wrong?"
i'd much rather be a horse. :)

i'm going. :) til next time. :)

i wanna break every clock.

2007-06-18T23:10:00.000+08:00

back in black

so i'm back, not really high but not really low from my trip. half way through the blogging on ltgoeswest.blogspot.com went haywire because mecenary hotels charge for freaking internet access. in any case, i have pictures, which ya'll will soon see.

anyway. i'm currently working on DSD and doing alot more than i should. not that i mind, it's rather fun actually. oh guys, overseas people! select videos of some of our favourite skits from DSD of the pass are online at youtube, so go check them out! will sure bring some good ole memories back! :D

anyway. friends. argue, emote, threaten, embrace, relate, communicate, invoke, provoke, do whatever you want, just please, save my tag board from extinction. they're already sending me warning emails. haha. :P please just use my tag board for whatever non-sense you need. :P thanks! haha.

ok i gotta go. not emo so the post is very short. also because i got new book to read. hahahah :P bye bye! :D

cant jump the tracks.

2007-05-25T00:36:00.000+08:00

you'll be my new best friend if you send me this song.

2 AM and she calls me cause I'm still awake
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season.
Yeah we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason.

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So cradle your head in your hands.
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss
"Just a day," he said down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year
Here in town you can tell he's been down for awhile
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him maybe I'll just sing about it

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button, boys
so cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breath just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel
You shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made
You'll just make them again if you'll only try turnin' around

2 AM and I'm still awake writing this song
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to.

But you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand, yeah breathe
Just breathe, oh oh breathe, just breathe, oh breathe,
just breathe, oh breathe, just breathe

2007-05-24T00:39:00.000+08:00

you looked into my life and never stopped.

i wonder about alot of things. most times i know it's me being egocentric, sometimes just looking for an ego trip, and i ask alot of questions to indulge in fantasies that i want to indulge in. sometimes i do things to make a situation harder than it really is, because i want to prolong it, to preserve that illusion. and sometimes i do something way out of what i know to be my character, just to see what it's effect would be.

i could go on and on about the things i dont like about myself, but THAT in itself is self-indulgent and unnecessary. i could start talking about the things i like about myself, but that would be rather more indulgence too, dont you think? sometimes pondering upon oneself is great, but i guess it's not something easy to do. i'm not saying i disagree with it of course, i mean, i guess i'm just stating the reasons why i dont do it to myself.

sometimes i think i consciously try to be outward looking because i feel we're all self-centred people, made only to know how to satisfy ourselves and not others. in many ways though, i think it's actually a brilliant plan that God made: that we satisfy others so that we satisfy ourselves. i read the bible the other day and realised that everything God does is for our benefit. the main focus of what he says and does is the mere mortals He calls His children, and everything was done so we would come (that's from a song by the way.).

in an effort to rediscover my faith i've downloaded this bible-verse a day thing, so that a random verse will come up and i'll try and apply those words of wisdom to life in general. i know it's trivial, and i know it's a rather useless step (i could just open my bible, or throw it at a wall and see what page it lands on), but it works for me and today i see a nugget of wisdom which has hit me before, but this time with renewed conviction (is that the right word?).

John 12:25
"The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life."

so i think to myself, do i treasure my life in this world more than anything else? hard question to ask, and even harder question to have to say "yes" to. God's been sending me alot of signals about this; i dont think it's mere coincedence. but how? how do you give up a world that seems to be the only thing you know, and leap?

guess that's why you need a leap of faith. this is what it means, i think, to take control of one's own faith. today in Pirates of the Caribbean, Jack Sparrow, in an attempt to escape the East India Company, ties himself to a loose cannon and lights it. the captain Barrack or something says: "you're mad." and jack sparrow says: "if i wasn't this would probably never work."

i suppose we all need that madness sometimes. if not we'll never take that leap of faith which gets us out of trouble and into better times. time now for me to find that madness in me.

you're thinking all my thoughts are so simple, but so beautiful.

2007-05-21T22:51:00.001+08:00

It's not reputation destroying

so i was home this afternoon talking to stef on the phone and i suddenly had a craving for a milk shake. so i says to stef: you wanna head out for one? and, in spontaneity at its best, we find ourselves heading out for a nice slushy milk shake at carl's junior, which is, a very nice place with milk shakes, if i might add. we got a little bit zany and decided to buy shrek ears for charity at mackers.

this is supposed to be scary shrek. i love this photo. stef thinks her reputation is going down the drain if i put it up but when you have no rep to begin with, i think it's all good :P (stef, i know you're gonna kill me. please dont, i love you. *makes puppy dog eyes.)

my green shirt, incidentally, was the same colour as the shrek ears. this is happy shrek, because apparently my try at scary shrek became act-cute shrek. goodness knows what that means! but it led to a rather intense session on facial expressions, resulting in me trying to look more scary. but please, friends. look at my face. what's there to be scared of? :D

this is a (slightly) older photo, taken last week on the MRT on the way to Off centre. i like, we look, normal, for the first time.

Off centre, by the way, was incredible. it was moving, beautiful, and painful to watch even, which contributed to the whole experience. the play in itself is a brilliant work of art. i read it last year and to finally see it, man, i cant explain how i felt. it didnt matter that there was alot of breaking out of character, i think that actually worked, rather than distract. i'm still trying to figure out the purpose of characters breaking out. to me it's a matter of personalizing the story, involving the audience so they feel closer to the essence of the play. i dont think i'm right, but then again, to ask Haresh Sharma why would be rather superfluous i think.

this is an entirely random photo taken with an entirely random butt in the background. please note that the face is more important in this picture. i think stef looks very nice and feminine in this picture. compared to the others. i call it the pensive look. too bad there's that ass in the back. grr. haha. :P

so my week, discounting that emo post, summed up in 4 pictures. :) i dont want to bore you with the everyday routines, and other stuff happened of course, but it'll be useless to talk about them. i wouldnt know if you're interested. :)

i'll be in california this time next week. wont be blogging here. please go to www.ltgoeswest.blogspot.com for the duration of 27th may to 14 june for updates. :)

you can stand under my umbrella.

2007-05-19T01:01:00.001+08:00

it's not worth the drama.

sometimes it feels like an illusion; a dream or memory that eats you alive and then spits you out, drenched in the saliva that sticks to you. you try to clean yourself, but you cannot; either way it fills you up with lonely, unfathomable regret, a sense of loss so deep you dont know what to do, where to go, what to eat, how to get downstairs ... you dont even know if you'll wake tomorrow feeling better, because sleep is a refuge you retreat into, without anything or anyone else to carry you you just fade and become one with the sheets. i find myself standing here with my heart in my hands, and i dont know what to do with it. do i give it to you, or do i give it to Someone, Someone whose promises you long to be able to hang on to, but you dont know enough. you just dont.

i seek emotional catharsis, a cleansing which will delude me into thinking everything is alright, and make all of these impure things disappear. so that i may not have to rip my own heart out and let it bleed out, so that this cleansing isnt my own; someone else is responsible for it. let Someone Else be responsible, because i have no control, and thus, no need to answer.

i dont want an answer. i am comfortable in my disability. this is MY healing, MY way of doing what is right for myself, MY way of telling you that i can stand on MY own feet.

i can stand on my own feet.

i can stand on my own feet.

for a beautiful lie

2007-05-18T02:58:00.000+08:00

i dont quite know.

to you, because i've been waiting for too long.

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

We'll do it all, everything, on our own
We don't need anything or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world

I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
to remind me
to find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
I just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world

because i've waited for far too long.