you looked into my life and never stopped.

i wonder about alot of things. most times i know it's me being egocentric, sometimes just looking for an ego trip, and i ask alot of questions to indulge in fantasies that i want to indulge in. sometimes i do things to make a situation harder than it really is, because i want to prolong it, to preserve that illusion. and sometimes i do something way out of what i know to be my character, just to see what it's effect would be.

i could go on and on about the things i dont like about myself, but THAT in itself is self-indulgent and unnecessary. i could start talking about the things i like about myself, but that would be rather more indulgence too, dont you think? sometimes pondering upon oneself is great, but i guess it's not something easy to do. i'm not saying i disagree with it of course, i mean, i guess i'm just stating the reasons why i dont do it to myself.

sometimes i think i consciously try to be outward looking because i feel we're all self-centred people, made only to know how to satisfy ourselves and not others. in many ways though, i think it's actually a brilliant plan that God made: that we satisfy others so that we satisfy ourselves. i read the bible the other day and realised that everything God does is for our benefit. the main focus of what he says and does is the mere mortals He calls His children, and everything was done so we would come (that's from a song by the way.).

in an effort to rediscover my faith i've downloaded this bible-verse a day thing, so that a random verse will come up and i'll try and apply those words of wisdom to life in general. i know it's trivial, and i know it's a rather useless step (i could just open my bible, or throw it at a wall and see what page it lands on), but it works for me and today i see a nugget of wisdom which has hit me before, but this time with renewed conviction (is that the right word?).

John 12:25
"The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life."

so i think to myself, do i treasure my life in this world more than anything else? hard question to ask, and even harder question to have to say "yes" to. God's been sending me alot of signals about this; i dont think it's mere coincedence. but how? how do you give up a world that seems to be the only thing you know, and leap?

guess that's why you need a leap of faith. this is what it means, i think, to take control of one's own faith. today in Pirates of the Caribbean, Jack Sparrow, in an attempt to escape the East India Company, ties himself to a loose cannon and lights it. the captain Barrack or something says: "you're mad." and jack sparrow says: "if i wasn't this would probably never work."

i suppose we all need that madness sometimes. if not we'll never take that leap of faith which gets us out of trouble and into better times. time now for me to find that madness in me.

you're thinking all my thoughts are so simple, but so beautiful.