let go of two.

for one thing, today, i'm at my lowest i've ever been for at least 2 weeks. today didnt start out as a good day. i woke up late, went to sentosa and took the bus around once before realising i shld have gotten off a long time ago. and then, as if it's not bad enough, i had a hard time looking for the rest of the crew. when i got into my swim suit and took off my t shirt, i mis-threw it, and it landed in the water. and then it began to rain. and then my tooth atarted to ache really really badly. and i felt sian for the whole .....

to sum it up. i didnt really enjoy myself at sentosa. i'm sorry. i wasnt too keen on going in the first place. but i did enjoy it when i was on the buses and trains alone, stuck in a world i am building around myself, shutting any humanoid out. what am i becoming? someone i dunno if i'll like. someone i dont know. it's just not who i used to be. i guess i didnt really like the old me in the first place? but i was so much more sociable and amiable. now i'm just a self-centered and self-absorbed thing that's not keen on human relationships. i think i'm scared. becuase i've gone and f**ked up too many good relationships just because i cant keep my emotions in control. i always seem to make simple things complicated. i guess i'm learning to live with myself? i dunno. to quote someone 'whatever that comes out of your mouth, someone might use it against you.' - how true is that? mebbe it's time to keep my thoughts at that. just thoughts.

which is highly ironic considering i'm actually typing my thoughts out now. i guess this is what's called thinking aloud? i dunno.

i've always felt i'm too self-centered and egotistical and what not, and it's not as if people say anything regarding that. i mean, sometimes you just feel like you're not doing enough for the ones you love. and sometimes you begin to question why you do what you do. is it for yourself? is it for that person? why the hell you care? why the hell do they care? why the hell do people love each other so much? why the hell do you love that one so much...?

why the hell did He love me so much? Why did He choose to die for me ...?

i guess we all struggle with questions like these; questions that can never be answered. i guess that's why people get so tired. we all search in vain for things that can never be found. like how i search for love in all the wrong places, and get angry if i dont find it. i am a self-centered loser, looking solely to fulfil my own happiness and only my own happiness. gah i am sounding all self pitying and all. it makes me sick.

i feel nauseated.

my blogging style has changed drstically eversince this blog started. it hasnt been a long time you know. i guess that's why i'm amazed.

this post like all the others is too self-centered. gosh i feel so selfish.

sometimes i get tired of this me first attitude.