sleigh bells ring

December arrived in style this year. elegantly making it's way into my life without much effort. the season is supposed to bring joy and happiness, but i can't help but feel this christmas isnt going to be all it's cut out to be. i'm not depressed, dear reader, i'm just beginning to think that festivals, special occasions and what not are just more reasons to feel alone in a sea of people who you know, yet dont quite know. and it's vital, that in dealing with all of this you do it the right way. you could be depressed and mope, or you could just look entirely forward to it, plan, run it in your head, take out all the stuff you dont like and then re-run it in your head, until it's perfect. and you pray, that it'll be as you imagined or even better.

and you tell yourself: "it's a choice." and you choose what's right. but is what's right necessarily right for yourself, or for the world at large? do we live for what is around us, as opposed to living for what is within us? if we're all made to be perfect, then why do we still strive for perfection and yet, recognise we are human and make provisions for our own faults?

if i am all that people think i am, and if i believe that, then why do i feel that there's just something wrong with the picture?

sometimes i just put on a song, and tell myself it's all ok. i listen and learn, and build my faith upon whatever little things i have. i recognise i am human, i recognise i need God, and i recognise that sometimes it's not what i asked for, but it is far better than my human imagination could ever come up with. Except, well, the layers havent been torn apart to reveal the Gift in it's full glory. it's like a present wrapped in multiple layers of paper, and you are slowly removing each layer, reading the message written on each piece. it's supposed to get better. it's supposed to help.

but at some point in time you feel tired, and you really want to give up.

i know i want to. but i'm human, i'm paranoid, imperfect and in sore need of something truly bigger than myself.

and that is why i can never again renounce the fact that i'm christian, that i live only for Him, and that i am nothing without Him.

now, to convince myself of what i have just said.

i've been a liar and i'll never amount to
the kind of person You deserve to worship You
You say You will not dwell on what I did but rather what i do
You said "I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into."

i'm getting into You.

i feel the world upon my shoulder each time i'm standing out on the edge