jaded by the thoughts i cannot comprehend.

i am sick ... sick of life ... sick of love ... sick of being all that i am ... sick of all the crap i am led to believe ... sick of being a human being ... sick of showing everyone who i really am ... coz that makes me boring shit ... i wished i wore a mask sometimes ... so then at least no one knows me ... then no one can say they truly know me ... which is good, coz then human relationships wont affect me as much as they do ... i am rambling ... and trying not to sound too depressed ... bear with me yeah ... i only blog when i am feeling down ...

i hate the way how i've allowed pple to see who i am ... i mean, most of you know i've been through my bent phase ... most of you know things abt me i dont want pple to know ... i just suddenly feel like closing up ... i can if i choose to ... then you all leedle pples wont know me at all ... but then again ... would i be happy? the extrovert side of me would scream to be led out ... then the whole cycle repeats itself ... i am feeling down for no fucking reason ... no fucking reason ... and i feel like total crap ...

confession: i like someone ... (to someone: no it's not you ... you probably know who it is anyway ... ) i really really think i like this person ... and it's difficult coz this person cannot and will not know ... i need to get over it ... but it is SO difficult. help!!! i'm on a downward spiral (for the second time in this year) and i dunno what to do to help myself ... argh!!! i wish somehow i could drown at the bottom of the pail of cream and stop churning it into butter ... i wish my tears would just come! I CANNOT CRY! i havent cried in months ... and it is disturbing ... i'm not the cry baby i used to be ... and it is scaring me ... i dont want to change ... i want to be the person who can cry when she needs to ... maybe i just need to talk ... but who will listen? and even if you do listen, will you understand? *anger* i will not continue being whiney ... i need to go kick myself and pick up the pieces ... meanwhile, here's my current favourite song's lyrics for you ... enjoy your life ... and dont worry abt me .. .i will be alright ... i just need to rant ...

Finger 11 - One Thing

Restless tonight
cause i wasted the light
between both these times
i drew a really thin line

it's nothing i planned
and not that i can
but you should be mine
across that line

If i traded it all
if i gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
if i sorted it out
if i knew all about this one thing
wouldnt that be something?

I promise i might
not walk on by
maybe next time
but not this time

even though i know
i dont wanna know
yeah i guess i know
i just hate how it sounds

If i traded it all
if i gave it all away for one thing
just for one thing
If i sorted it out
if i knew all about this one thing
wouldnt that be something?

even though i know
i dont wanna know
yeah i guess i know
i just hate how it sounds ...

i wish you joy ...

ve vill trink vine under the villow tree