maybe it's time to heal.

well. essentially i've begun stopping myself from talking to *you*. it is time to stop, to move on. TO HEAL. all those self inflicted wounds that cut deep. but then again i find myself going down familiar territory. with someone else. mebbe one day i'll know when to stop loving the unobtainable. there's so much love around already. or is there?

this isnt a depressed liting writing here. this is just a thoughtful one. i guess it started when i returned and everyone else was essentially somewhere else. ok not everyone, but well. anyways. the whole weekend was great, and then came sunday. at the end of it all i was left alone with someone ... and all i could think abt was: 'it's been one whole year.' at the end of it all i found that i was left with nothing. i couldnt even talk to him like we used to. i could just leave all of them alone. then at least i wouldnt have to hurt anymore.

yes i still do. but it's not as if it's numbing or what. i mean, when it comes, when i think abt it and look at myself, sometimes it's like i cant believe i left without a fight. yes, i did it out of respect for the both of them. yes i did it because i loved them both. but i cannot deny everytime i see them together it's like it's being rubbed into my face.

and so i distracted myself. with *you*. and it worked. but i guess *you* werent merely a distraction, *you* were something truly surreal. and so. as much as i love you, i must come back to the harsh reality of it all. it isnt going to happen. dont blame me for not counting my blessings or holding on to false hopes. when you're me the line between fantasy and reality is often unclear.

but now i know. and it's time to do something to heal. :)

see. it's not really a sad blogpost. it's a good one. congratulate me. because essentially, i'm moving on. and you cant tell me i'm not ready for romantic love. there never is a ready state. it happens, when it happens. and when it does, you'll definately be ready for it. meanwhile, you just wait. :)

anyway, i guess it's the time of year, when a new year is coming, it's christmas and you just have to do something abt the spiral. when you're at that stage, you get epiphanies when you need them the most. and you start to put them into action.

btw, dawn where are you??? my days are super incomplete!!!

and crystal, when will i see you again??? *misses you terribly*

as for you rau, haha yeah! i FINALLY saw you again! thanks for christmas card. yours is somewhere. on the way. :P

and you vane, when are we actually going to go out? :P

mel and audz, remember the pink polos!!!! :D

and lastly for now, stinky, i cant wait to see you christmas. miss you my best friend! :)

ok. anyways. there's a song i heard the other day that really made me want to cry. i am officially in love with jennifer lopez. :P here are the lyrics!

this is my fave J.Lo song.

It seemed to be like the perfect thing for you and me
It's so ironic you're what I had pictured you to be
But there are facts in our lives we can never change
Just tell me that you understand and feel the same

This perfect romance that I've created in my mind
I'd live a thousand lives each one with you right by my side
But yet we find ourselves in a less than perfect circumstance
And so it seems like we'll never have the chance

Ain't it funny how some feelings you just can't deny
And you can't move on even though you try
Ain't it strange when you're feeling things you shouldn't feel
Oh I wish this could be real
Ain't it funny how a moment could just change your life
And you don't want to face what's wrong or right
Ain't it strange how fate can play a part
In the story of your heart

Sometimes I think that a true love can never be
I just believe that somehow it wasn't meant to me
Life can be cruel in a way that I can't explain
And I don't think that I could face it all again

I barely know you but somehow I know what you're about
A deeper love I've found in you, and I no longer doubt
You've touched my heart and it altered every plan I've made
And now I feel that I don't have to be afraid

Repeat Chorus

I locked away my heart
But you just set it free
Emotions I felt held me back from what my life should be
I pushed you far away
And yet you stayed with me
I guess this means
That you and me were meant to be

Repeat Chorus

haha. this was sparked off by a J.Lo DVD that my father borrowed. it's was really nice. :)

anyway. i am going off now.

i'd live a thousand lives each one with you right by my side