bare with me for awhile.
last night, with the lack of anything to do, i pulled out my 'treasure chest' of old letters and memorabilia and went into nostalgia. it's raining cats and dogs, and so, i'm feeling even more emo and moody. haha. the rain lah. it gets to me.
anyway. there is a point in all this. and i must do this, i MUST get it out because i've never felt so wronged in my life, so cheated and so led on. and the person i'm refering to, some of you know, and i know that person reads this. SO. since we cant talk face to face, over the phone or even through SMS, (and since it wont make a diff to me because you wont say a thing anyway), this is a good place to let it all out.
i pulled out the old letters and stuff we wrote to each other and all the old pictures and photos. i'm a sentimental fool i admit, but it's not without reason. it makes me feel like at least my life has been a fulfilled, whole one. but last night i had the sudden impluse to take them all out, and ONCE AND FOR ALL, BURN those letters and move on with my life. i've spent the last 3 years paralysed by a hope that it'll all work out and we can get back together again. at least this year, i didnt think much of it anymore and was just about ready to let go. and then you go pop me a question: 'keep this indirect language up and i'll start thinking you have feelings for me. do you?' my immediate and most long standing reaction of course, is WHAT THE FUCK? you caught me off guard, just as you've always done. anyway. my response to that now is 'keep asking me these kinda questions and i'll start thinking you still have feelings for me too.'
you said you've changed. i thought you have. but at the end of last night, reading through some of our letters, i realised that no, you haven't. because it's always been about YOU. it's always how YOU're not comfortable, always how YOU're sorry, how YOU cant do this, cant do that, how YOU cant control yourself. always about YOUR family, about YOUR problems. and now, it's about YOU again, and protecting YOURSELF from me, popping these kinda questions that are CLEARLY meant to provoke something. the person who's changed is ME.
the thing i cant believe is that i lived through the last 3 years, guilt ridden, thinking that i was a stumbling block, a black mark in your life, thinking that it was all my fault that i had to come into your life and we had to get so physical. i STILL feel guilty. but now, i'm starting to belive that that is not the case. that the one at fault is not solely me. yes, i am guilty of falling in love with you, getting physical, initiating things, being a butch and not striaght and turning you lesbian so that you would go out with me. and for a long time i always thought it was my actions that caused us pain. and you let me believe it, because you were so self righteous and couldnt handle the fact that you were indulging in something that didnt feel right for me. YOU led me and led yourself on. and let me think that it was my fault.
at least now i look before i leap, i'm more careful, and i consider the consequences of getting together with someone before doing so. at least now, i CONTROL myself, even if i still do some stupid things. but at least now i know that i CAN learn to love someone without wanting to sleep with that person; that when i'm attracted to someone, it doesnt mean i'm lesbian. i just want to spend time with that person, and that doesnt entail anything more physical than a hug. at least now, i know i've changed. i AM stronger, more confident, no longer who i used to be.
YOU, i dont know about YOU. i dont wanna pass judgements. but the truth remains. it's always been about YOU, and will always be about YOU. and the most bastard thing you did is not that you led me on while we were together, but that you led me to believe it was my fault and let me feel so guilty and unsure of myself. THANKS alot. because figuring all this out makes me stronger.
and i just want you to know, that if you've already burnt all the letters and moved on, i'm telling you now that i'm doing the same, and let's not even talk about being friends again. we're in that worse case scenerio. we'll never even have a chance to be friends. i cant stand the fact that you cheated me and it was all a bluff. you were never in love with me. i was merely there to fulfill your lust.
and i dont care if i'm coming off too direct and strong. you dont like 'indirect' language, so i'm telling you to your face: fuck off.
now. back to normalcy shall we?
looking forward to seeing you 2/5 people! :) and VJ people tonight. and spending some time with jeane drinking (would you still even with your condition?) copious amounts of alcohol. :)
the parentals are away. HERE'S TO THE CRAZY PARTYING! :D
ok ok ... time to get back to work. :)
the boy with his arms wide, who made her feel like an angel
last night, with the lack of anything to do, i pulled out my 'treasure chest' of old letters and memorabilia and went into nostalgia. it's raining cats and dogs, and so, i'm feeling even more emo and moody. haha. the rain lah. it gets to me.
anyway. there is a point in all this. and i must do this, i MUST get it out because i've never felt so wronged in my life, so cheated and so led on. and the person i'm refering to, some of you know, and i know that person reads this. SO. since we cant talk face to face, over the phone or even through SMS, (and since it wont make a diff to me because you wont say a thing anyway), this is a good place to let it all out.
i pulled out the old letters and stuff we wrote to each other and all the old pictures and photos. i'm a sentimental fool i admit, but it's not without reason. it makes me feel like at least my life has been a fulfilled, whole one. but last night i had the sudden impluse to take them all out, and ONCE AND FOR ALL, BURN those letters and move on with my life. i've spent the last 3 years paralysed by a hope that it'll all work out and we can get back together again. at least this year, i didnt think much of it anymore and was just about ready to let go. and then you go pop me a question: 'keep this indirect language up and i'll start thinking you have feelings for me. do you?' my immediate and most long standing reaction of course, is WHAT THE FUCK? you caught me off guard, just as you've always done. anyway. my response to that now is 'keep asking me these kinda questions and i'll start thinking you still have feelings for me too.'
you said you've changed. i thought you have. but at the end of last night, reading through some of our letters, i realised that no, you haven't. because it's always been about YOU. it's always how YOU're not comfortable, always how YOU're sorry, how YOU cant do this, cant do that, how YOU cant control yourself. always about YOUR family, about YOUR problems. and now, it's about YOU again, and protecting YOURSELF from me, popping these kinda questions that are CLEARLY meant to provoke something. the person who's changed is ME.
the thing i cant believe is that i lived through the last 3 years, guilt ridden, thinking that i was a stumbling block, a black mark in your life, thinking that it was all my fault that i had to come into your life and we had to get so physical. i STILL feel guilty. but now, i'm starting to belive that that is not the case. that the one at fault is not solely me. yes, i am guilty of falling in love with you, getting physical, initiating things, being a butch and not striaght and turning you lesbian so that you would go out with me. and for a long time i always thought it was my actions that caused us pain. and you let me believe it, because you were so self righteous and couldnt handle the fact that you were indulging in something that didnt feel right for me. YOU led me and led yourself on. and let me think that it was my fault.
at least now i look before i leap, i'm more careful, and i consider the consequences of getting together with someone before doing so. at least now, i CONTROL myself, even if i still do some stupid things. but at least now i know that i CAN learn to love someone without wanting to sleep with that person; that when i'm attracted to someone, it doesnt mean i'm lesbian. i just want to spend time with that person, and that doesnt entail anything more physical than a hug. at least now, i know i've changed. i AM stronger, more confident, no longer who i used to be.
YOU, i dont know about YOU. i dont wanna pass judgements. but the truth remains. it's always been about YOU, and will always be about YOU. and the most bastard thing you did is not that you led me on while we were together, but that you led me to believe it was my fault and let me feel so guilty and unsure of myself. THANKS alot. because figuring all this out makes me stronger.
and i just want you to know, that if you've already burnt all the letters and moved on, i'm telling you now that i'm doing the same, and let's not even talk about being friends again. we're in that worse case scenerio. we'll never even have a chance to be friends. i cant stand the fact that you cheated me and it was all a bluff. you were never in love with me. i was merely there to fulfill your lust.
and i dont care if i'm coming off too direct and strong. you dont like 'indirect' language, so i'm telling you to your face: fuck off.
now. back to normalcy shall we?
looking forward to seeing you 2/5 people! :) and VJ people tonight. and spending some time with jeane drinking (would you still even with your condition?) copious amounts of alcohol. :)
the parentals are away. HERE'S TO THE CRAZY PARTYING! :D
ok ok ... time to get back to work. :)
the boy with his arms wide, who made her feel like an angel
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