welcome back the love sick puppy.

love is a sticky emotion. i dun really understand it, but i do think that love is an emotion, not a concept to be discussed over food and drinks, lounging in Lofty's living room. this once, it got too hard for me.

i think it's high time i said some things, so bare with me awhile.

there's a nagging feeling within me, finding out. knowing that you like someone, but he likes someone else, and you feel like the bottom of the ocean, dark and dank, and scared. you want him to be happy, but then you can't help but feel that you've been left behind. it is inevitable, i suppose, that the person you for once, feel like you could truly love, and i am talking about a serious serious 'crush' (i don't think it qualifies as a crush anymore actually), will find someone else. when you're me, it's no big surprise that guys don't look at you in the girlfriend sort of way. don't get me wrong. i'm not angry or sulking or what. sometimes i wished guys would notice me in a different sort of way.

i like to indulge in an alternate reality, where everything in my history was different. Like i was born and STAYED skinny, perhaps maybe i would have been less tomboyish? but hell, all this is foolish talk. the truth is he will never, ever know. and i know i will move on to love someone else, but he'll always have a special place in my heart. in a way you can say i've never been this fond of a guy before. so to have to accept the fact he likes someone else is going to be a little hard to swallow.

i want to cry and rant. but that's so teenager and juvenile. i miss him already.

i guess i'm at a crossroad of my life, and it's both wonderful and trying. though this doesnt make it much easier, i suppose God just wants to remove all distractions. i suppose He wants me to focus on Him. in a way, this revelation now may be a blessing in disguise.

i want so much to tell him. but i don't want it to become weird. there's too much at stake to say anything now. ignorance, for him, is bliss. perhaps for me as well? all of this is becoming too familiar. i dunno what i've just written above, but i guess, the bottom line is, i am in love, all over again. and almost instantly, i've fallen off my chair and it hurts.

one thing i'm not sure of is, should i be hurting?

i want to cry and rant.

'i still light up like a candle burning when he calls me up.
I still melt down like a candle burning everytime we touch.'
- Still by Macy Gray

still be loving you baby, and it's much too much