believe in you

i sit like this by myself sometimes, when you're not around and i feel the pinch. i hate it; this feeling. makes me feel like i'm useless and have to rely on you completely. but i cant fight the fact that i miss you more than i should, and it hurts when i try to fight it. it scares me. i fear i become totally desensitized. i rationalize with myself when i sit here. i find it in me to stop feeling that way. i find it in me to keep a level head and find refuge. but when it comes back again the cycle begins; feelings reincarnate themselves. and they come back to haunt me.

it shouldnt be like this.

i want to blame worldly forces for the feelings i feel. i want to blame the damned world for making me feel the way i do. but sometimes you need to look and see if it's just you. is it just me? am i still the same, neurotic and paranoid person i used to be? maybe someone's prediction was right. i haven't changed, when i'm supposed to have to already changed.

it shouldn't be like this.

i refuse.

with whatever little power i have i refuse to let myself fall back into self pity. i refuse to be hurt, i refuse to be angry. i refuse everything i would have done previously.

i just wished missing you would be much easier.

shucks. sorry. i just needed some kinda release. i'm not doing bad, i actually feel good most of the time. i just get a little emotional sometimes. and when it comes, i feel the need to do something about it. so i write, which seems to be the only remaining channel left. i feel simultaneously surrounded but lonely.

ok. ENOUGH LITING. ENOUGH.

i cant even count the ways