I wish i knew how
reading people's blogs today while on a breather made me realise several things about myself. I wish i knew how to pin point these feelings and thoughts, but i'm not entirely sure. I'm not entirely sure if i care about people's thoughts and writings, but i WANT to, i just can't seem to listen and be a receptor anymore, whether the thing interests me or not.
watched an episode of House (hugh laurie is brilliant.) and pondered on the limits to which i might go to for the person i love. was very honest with myself, but then, you can never tell when presented with the real situation, which i hope will never happen, although i have a sick morbid fascination with it actually happening. maybe it's in the reverse, though.
The thing is i feel hardened. I feel like i never really loved anybody but myself before, and i make up for it by saying i love you excessively (not that i don't mean it. i just, well. hmmm.). But this is more because i lack a clear concise definition of love, a benchmark where i can say the love is real or fake or whatever. To know for sure what i really really mean. I do love you, i just don't know how to show it and whether it is showing. maybe i haven't been properly schooled in the ways of the world.
got a new phone and i'm feeling slightly guilty about it, because i don't know how to make full use of the features and i did pay quite a bit for it. Ah well. gotta get it up and working. After the exams, after the exams.
the end of which, ironically, i'm not looking forward to. Working, for sure, is worse than studying. I think that's why i'm in such a hurry: I WANT TO AVOID work for as long as i possibly can. it's not really how fast i get my degrees and other stuff, but more of how long can i stay in the little bubble of youth and student-hood, where responsibilities only extend to the immediate circle around you.
enough of all these, for now.
i'm on your back.
Strange, huh? for someone like me.
reading people's blogs today while on a breather made me realise several things about myself. I wish i knew how to pin point these feelings and thoughts, but i'm not entirely sure. I'm not entirely sure if i care about people's thoughts and writings, but i WANT to, i just can't seem to listen and be a receptor anymore, whether the thing interests me or not.
watched an episode of House (hugh laurie is brilliant.) and pondered on the limits to which i might go to for the person i love. was very honest with myself, but then, you can never tell when presented with the real situation, which i hope will never happen, although i have a sick morbid fascination with it actually happening. maybe it's in the reverse, though.
The thing is i feel hardened. I feel like i never really loved anybody but myself before, and i make up for it by saying i love you excessively (not that i don't mean it. i just, well. hmmm.). But this is more because i lack a clear concise definition of love, a benchmark where i can say the love is real or fake or whatever. To know for sure what i really really mean. I do love you, i just don't know how to show it and whether it is showing. maybe i haven't been properly schooled in the ways of the world.
got a new phone and i'm feeling slightly guilty about it, because i don't know how to make full use of the features and i did pay quite a bit for it. Ah well. gotta get it up and working. After the exams, after the exams.
the end of which, ironically, i'm not looking forward to. Working, for sure, is worse than studying. I think that's why i'm in such a hurry: I WANT TO AVOID work for as long as i possibly can. it's not really how fast i get my degrees and other stuff, but more of how long can i stay in the little bubble of youth and student-hood, where responsibilities only extend to the immediate circle around you.
enough of all these, for now.
i'm on your back.
Strange, huh? for someone like me.
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