truth hurts.

listening to 2 people today i was transported back to that time when i was younger, alot more naive, and still loving freely. crushing here and there, falling in love, making myself love sick and going gaga. i remember that time. a time that was just more free. at least i wasnt afraid that i might be 'in too deep'. i was still that unrestrained young person, that hopeless romantic and that sweet person someone eventually fell in love with. and so i ask myself now, where has that person gone?

it was a time i knew who i was, even if you tell me it wasn't real. at least, my identity didnt scare me. now i'm older, wiser (i think. i dunno.) and alot more cynical. and even more confused. who am i? what am i doing here? am i a walking mistake?

this is why i'm so scared of growing up.

i miss it you know, loving without restrictions, not having to know why i was in love, or why i felt someway about someone. it's just difficult now trying to live with myself. and that's the problem. i can't live with myself, whatever way i choose. because at the end of it all, i still hurt. and in a simple word, that just SUCKS.

i guess being with the 2/5 bunch have allowed me to discover that i can be crazy, juvenile and young again, but honestly, it's like a fantasy. when i'm with them, i forget that i'm 19, older, and i used to be their teacher. i become that young, bright eyed optimist who used to be so free. living for the love she had, and living not for reality.

in the words of the cranberries: it was just my imagination.

i've just cut my hair (can i hear a collective 'again'?) and now i REALLY look like cock, because i've gone and done it and gotten myself a freaking mohawk. yes. and i'm loving it.

i think it's very funny that i want to do things to go against authority, but i'm so afriad of getting into trouble. like my hair for example. i knew my mother wouldnt be happy, but i still did it anyway, just coz i felt like it. i do sorta miss my nice long fringe though. but whatever. i have a mohawk now. so sue me.

anyway. about a week ago i had a very disturbing dream. without going into much detail (not that i remember much anyway.) all i remember doing is telling someone to 'f*ck off, go away, f*ck you.' and it really scared my because this person and i have unsettled disputes. so. i think it was a manifestation of the feelings that i have, the anger at the pain she made me go through, and the whole reason why i'm so screwed up now. i dunno. maybe it was JUST a dream. but for me, if i have a dream i remember, it's rarely JUST a dream.

i know one thing's for sure. i am f*cked.

i hope it all turns out well. really wanna see something good come out of this situation.

coz she's loving him still, after all this time.