the trouble with love is.

it can make you want to do things differently, just because it makes you a better person.

i can't count the number of times i must have said it's time for change, and my inert ass keeps me from actually legitimising the bastard-ness of the written word. i am resolved (as always) to do something, whether it happens or not (as always) is a wholly separate matter.

in any case, i made a painful (well, not quite.) revelation that i am definitely not the easiest person to love, in the words of corrine may. i have heavy baggage, which i like to conveniently dump on people, and the problem is i expect them to carry it for me, not with me. it upsets me when they dont, which is thoroughly unfair. i want this to change. it wont be easy, it wont be over night, but it will happen. it has to, or a midlife crisis i think, is in the works.

so there, is my mid year (or slightly passed) resolution to make a change. i need all the strength i can muster for this, so i'm gonna do my best. :) it is, the start of something new. :)

but, back to the title of my post. i realised when i get reflexive i think about multiple things at a time, but some to a larger extent, some to a lesser one. i realised that relationships sometimes need choppy waters for you to know if they're working out, and to jerk them into place sometimes so that things can either move forward (favourably) or backward (which isn't quite as favourable, hmm?). but life is about this unceasing flux, this unchangeable certainty of the presence of change, together with those 2 horrid things known as death and taxes. if it jolts, it means something. the worry comes when you lose interest and it doesnt seem to affect you. so sometimes you take heart in the jolting, knowing that it jolted because it was important.

and sometimes, you realise that the word love that utters out of your mouth is a test beyond anything else you can ever experience. conversely, when you're the one being loved, you realise how difficult it is to love in a difficult situation, but you realise all the same that you are loved, so you are grateful. it's like a dicotomy, a tension between being GREAT-Ful, and being GRATE-Ful. both you will experience, and both will teach you something. and it's a great situation to be in, if it's balanced out. i'm blessed, beyond measure i think, to be one who is existing in that elusive yet attainable middle ground.

however, there is an uncertainty that lurks; with love's strength it grows proportionately, one day something out of the ordinary happens, and the uncertainty rears it's head at you like you are the chosen one, which in some ways you are.

ok. just to get to the damned point, i'm hoping nothing i said opened too big a can of worms. i can't control that, but i hope you know i love you, with the kind that needs testing, so i'll know it's strong. i'm uncertain; my personality is one that is naturally suspicious (so says my key chain), but i'm gonna risk it all. it's the only way i know how.

:)

perhaps, i'm the one who survives.