an insignificant star

for a moment today:

1. i was really pissed with my ministry head earl for telling me to make sure i come on time, and telling me it was the second time i was late: sorry dude, but honestly, i was scheduled twice in a row and no one rectified that; furthermore, the person who asked me for a swap showed up, so i came early (15mins) for nothing.

2. i thought to myself how strange the christmas decorations in my church were, and how the fake plastic doves with red eyes looked like they might light up, lock on a target and attack something.

3. i didnt want to go and wish other people merry christmas, and considered waiting for people to come wish me.

4. i wondered to myself why i was where i was, under all the given circumstances. that led nowhere and so i am here, now.

5. i thought that maybe i missed the whole point about christmas, and i actually think i did.

6. i thought that perhaps i do want gifts, and tell myself i dont want them because i'm too lazy to go and get for other people.

7. i listened, intently, to the sermon, because i was seated right upfront.

8. i decided i didnt want to be an emo kid sitting at the back by myself.

9. i didnt regret sitting in front.

10. i wanted to be a star that pointed to the real star: the one whom christmas is all about.

for a moment today.

p.s: i pondered upon this possibility: that when you died i wont grieve; not because i dont want to, but because i cannot. and its not even because i know you're going to heaven: i just dont think i'm capable to grief.

a moment like this