tis the season to be jolly

read nat's blog and his words actually jumped out at me and caught me by surprise: christmas is a time of love. i don't doubt that i think. it's just that this year's Christmas might be rougher than it should be. it ought to be spent with people you love, cherish and want to hold, but i cannot expect that, because that just doesnt happen with me and my friends. makes me feel hapless and like a loser, but who bloody cares, right?

i dont want to be bitter and angry about christmas, i just wished you loved me enough to see past the drinking and clubbing (smoking's not even in this list, it's a non-issue because smoking's not my thing), and try to accept it as a part of me. a part i would love to share with you, but you refuse (and i respect that). i am not an alcoholic, and clubbing is a choice i make to go and let my hair down and move my body. i like dancing and moving my body around, which i only do in these 2 occasions where i feel relatively not self-conscious: in a theatre studio and in the club. and since there's no longer much of an opportunity to find myself doing nonsense in a theatre studio, i dont have much of a choice.

i only wished you'd see i dont go to indulge in alcohol and smoke my lungs til they look like tar. i club because i love music and i like to dance, and there's something about enjoying it with a bunch of people that makes clubbing appealing to me.

i'm sorry if that makes you uneasy and uncomfortable. (i'm not being sarcastic.)

and my heart can't get enough.

i love you, no matter what.