inconsolable longing.
I've been staring at this screen for awhile, trying to figure out how to put everything into words so i can stay obtuse. I don't know how to, and i may end up not talking about it at all. but then i need this. i need the possible catharsis that comes with admitting i have a problem. that my problem is grave and getting out of control. And that i let it get to the state it got to. I'm starting to feel the inablity to feel.
or rather, i've been uninspired for awhile, and the things that used to interest me no longer do. Music for one, has not figured in my life for awhile and it scares me that i've lived so long without it. I believe that one thing leads to another, and i know i have a problem because it is affecting my mood and my day to day existence and altering me to the point i'm not sure who i was anymore. Not am, was. (quoting from "Temple", because i think that is highly poignant.)
the thing is. I am not heading into a crisis and my head is still screwed on (or up, depending on the angle from which it is viewed) tightly and i'm not neurotic or anything. I just have a problem, and the despair that comes without having knowledge of how to fix myself wroughts my spirit and i feel weighted and all too conscious about it. I can't talk to anyone. this is kinda too personal. and in times like this (which make me feel guilty) i implore my friends to pray for me. (only in times like this, which is where the guilt emerges from).
Today i declined a KL trip the coming weekend because i wanted to be around for Sammy's Birthday, even though i may not even be spending any part of it with her. why? i don't know. Sam is Stef's sister and i have absolutely no idea why i decided not to go to KL. It just seemed like the right thing to do, even though it may never even concern me.
I have decided to retreat, with my only consolation being the love songs i will play for myself, as i lay in the dark and hope this cloud passes soon. This does not mean i will be going on a hiatus. It merely means i want to be on my own, to sort it all out before i meet the big bad world and fight the daily battles and daily prayers that are required of me ("Temple" again, in case you think i have become poetic.)
Til the next post (i typed "pose" accidentally. Kinda like one, don't you think?)
tell me what we're gonna do now.
I've been staring at this screen for awhile, trying to figure out how to put everything into words so i can stay obtuse. I don't know how to, and i may end up not talking about it at all. but then i need this. i need the possible catharsis that comes with admitting i have a problem. that my problem is grave and getting out of control. And that i let it get to the state it got to. I'm starting to feel the inablity to feel.
or rather, i've been uninspired for awhile, and the things that used to interest me no longer do. Music for one, has not figured in my life for awhile and it scares me that i've lived so long without it. I believe that one thing leads to another, and i know i have a problem because it is affecting my mood and my day to day existence and altering me to the point i'm not sure who i was anymore. Not am, was. (quoting from "Temple", because i think that is highly poignant.)
the thing is. I am not heading into a crisis and my head is still screwed on (or up, depending on the angle from which it is viewed) tightly and i'm not neurotic or anything. I just have a problem, and the despair that comes without having knowledge of how to fix myself wroughts my spirit and i feel weighted and all too conscious about it. I can't talk to anyone. this is kinda too personal. and in times like this (which make me feel guilty) i implore my friends to pray for me. (only in times like this, which is where the guilt emerges from).
Today i declined a KL trip the coming weekend because i wanted to be around for Sammy's Birthday, even though i may not even be spending any part of it with her. why? i don't know. Sam is Stef's sister and i have absolutely no idea why i decided not to go to KL. It just seemed like the right thing to do, even though it may never even concern me.
I have decided to retreat, with my only consolation being the love songs i will play for myself, as i lay in the dark and hope this cloud passes soon. This does not mean i will be going on a hiatus. It merely means i want to be on my own, to sort it all out before i meet the big bad world and fight the daily battles and daily prayers that are required of me ("Temple" again, in case you think i have become poetic.)
Til the next post (i typed "pose" accidentally. Kinda like one, don't you think?)
tell me what we're gonna do now.
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