you think you're loving. but you don't love ..
it's times like these that i somehow figure out the reason for the emptiness i've been feeling lately, and in the last moments before i allow myself to succumb to sleep, i shall attempt to type it here, in a hasty effort to record the moments of my life which aren't so rosy, because i am that way and the good times don't seem to last as long as the bad ones.
deeply entrenched in this feeling of emptiness is the feeling of disjoint, of being disconnected from all the things i once knew when i was younger and still rather optimistic about the world. tonight, i've made a breakthrough. i have identified the areas of disjoint in my life, which have kept me feeling naked and needy. My umbilical cords are severed, with no hope of returning to my mother's womb (i know. i'm guilty of heavy handed and irrelevant analogies. sorry.).
The first of the cords was the one connecting me to VJ TSD, which tonight has shown me that things move on without me, and i can't always get what i want, as mick jagger rightly puts it. i can't preserve the sanctity of TSD and the things which happened back when i was there. i have memories, but slowly and surely they become too distant to mention. The disjoint came from the stark feeling of unfamiliarity to a place i called home for 2 years, the very 2 which i consider my foundation years in theatre. I suppose people work differently, and things must change with time. the smiles and the familiar comforting feeling are no longer there. Entering my once "inner sanctum" is now met with cold stares and "who the fuck are you" looks of disdain. It is their inner sanctum now; i have no place in it.
I must say this though, out of complete disjunct, that Public P tonight pleased at some point, but flopped down on it's side like a cardboard box fruit stand in the last group piece i saw. This has led me to strongly believe that THEY have destroyed my inner sanctum, the place where i learnt discipline, hardwork, team work and all the other things that were truly great. THEY have destroyed the sanctity of space by allowing people to walk right across the set just as the performance is about to start, for not practicing 10 min bump ins and getting ready before the audience arrives. As Yin Ren put it so well: "There's a difference between being raw and unpolished. Raw is good, there is emotion there worth watching. This was just unpolished."
going back to the topic at hand. so that was one point of disjoint: I no longer have VJ TSD, and the people there are scattered making it difficult to reconnect with them. well, not all of them, only some.
continuing this long mindless rant, the other disjoint for me is from church. it is sad, and it sucks for me, but i no longer feel like i'm part of CMC. I have gone missing, as i like to, and i am comfortable this way. I don't really think i've been ever part of the church anyway. and perhaps this time of loss of touch has amplified the cold feeling of being alone in CMC. whatever it is, not having a comfortable environment to grow spiritually in sucks big time. I guess my fear of boys plays a part too. oh well. nevermind.
it seems appropriate right now to bring up this: don't get me wrong. i am disjointed, but i'm ok. i will always be that until something happens.
:)
Outta my mind, lately
it's times like these that i somehow figure out the reason for the emptiness i've been feeling lately, and in the last moments before i allow myself to succumb to sleep, i shall attempt to type it here, in a hasty effort to record the moments of my life which aren't so rosy, because i am that way and the good times don't seem to last as long as the bad ones.
deeply entrenched in this feeling of emptiness is the feeling of disjoint, of being disconnected from all the things i once knew when i was younger and still rather optimistic about the world. tonight, i've made a breakthrough. i have identified the areas of disjoint in my life, which have kept me feeling naked and needy. My umbilical cords are severed, with no hope of returning to my mother's womb (i know. i'm guilty of heavy handed and irrelevant analogies. sorry.).
The first of the cords was the one connecting me to VJ TSD, which tonight has shown me that things move on without me, and i can't always get what i want, as mick jagger rightly puts it. i can't preserve the sanctity of TSD and the things which happened back when i was there. i have memories, but slowly and surely they become too distant to mention. The disjoint came from the stark feeling of unfamiliarity to a place i called home for 2 years, the very 2 which i consider my foundation years in theatre. I suppose people work differently, and things must change with time. the smiles and the familiar comforting feeling are no longer there. Entering my once "inner sanctum" is now met with cold stares and "who the fuck are you" looks of disdain. It is their inner sanctum now; i have no place in it.
I must say this though, out of complete disjunct, that Public P tonight pleased at some point, but flopped down on it's side like a cardboard box fruit stand in the last group piece i saw. This has led me to strongly believe that THEY have destroyed my inner sanctum, the place where i learnt discipline, hardwork, team work and all the other things that were truly great. THEY have destroyed the sanctity of space by allowing people to walk right across the set just as the performance is about to start, for not practicing 10 min bump ins and getting ready before the audience arrives. As Yin Ren put it so well: "There's a difference between being raw and unpolished. Raw is good, there is emotion there worth watching. This was just unpolished."
going back to the topic at hand. so that was one point of disjoint: I no longer have VJ TSD, and the people there are scattered making it difficult to reconnect with them. well, not all of them, only some.
continuing this long mindless rant, the other disjoint for me is from church. it is sad, and it sucks for me, but i no longer feel like i'm part of CMC. I have gone missing, as i like to, and i am comfortable this way. I don't really think i've been ever part of the church anyway. and perhaps this time of loss of touch has amplified the cold feeling of being alone in CMC. whatever it is, not having a comfortable environment to grow spiritually in sucks big time. I guess my fear of boys plays a part too. oh well. nevermind.
it seems appropriate right now to bring up this: don't get me wrong. i am disjointed, but i'm ok. i will always be that until something happens.
:)
Outta my mind, lately
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