reached the rainbow's end.

am currently not doing anything productive or anything useful for my future. sometimes i just feel like i should be studying or like doing things that i want to do (like lose weight or exercise or something) but it never gets done. i lack the drive and the passion to do all this. ha. it is disturbing. it's like i need something drastic to make me move into action. take studying for promos: plan was to start A MONTH before. digress, distract, slacked ... until only abt 2 weeks before i started. i'd probably have done better. but hey. am not complaining. i did well enough for me to sleep well at night. ha. maybe life isnt so dismal after all.

spent the day marvelling at the beauty of project work. under the layers of OP, GPF and WR, there was something positive to PW. it was the group work. by tues, i will have no more excuse to hang out with people like sarah, rau and shaun, 3 humanoids i have come super close to loving. ok no i love them to bits. :) i was just thinking today that it's amazing how seemingly randomly we got grouped together. i remember the first time we came together as a group. i barely knew rau at all, shaun was like 'just some guy in A52', and sarah was that christian friend i met every morning when i used to go for YFC at the grandstand. now. now it's all different. :) Rau is princess of chocoland and fellow lovesick puppy. :P shaun is the one person i find it amazing whenever i agree with his views, and sarah, just plain ole sarah who i know i will remember for her crazy laughter and her conversion to christian rap :P under my influence. haha :) i love you VJC157. we've grown together so much this year. VJ life would have been pretty mundane without PW (OMG i cant believe i just said that!) :P am gonna miss the fellowship, the food and most of all the stupid laptop. i think our group is brilliant. look at how we churned out our WR and OP. the same miracle WILL happen for GPF. :D *now hearing the case of VJC157. all rise ...* haha. :)

it occurred to me recently how extremely easily i show affection to people. i go on periodical LFs: 'LoveFits', where i tell people how much i love them. remember that post some time back? i wonder if it's like a bad thing to show that much affection on a regular basis. it's like it loses it's meaning. like if i say 'nice' like sarah says: it is overused. i mean, so many things are overdone and overused and people get sick of it. is affection affected by the same phenomenon? haha. i dont know. but in my pursuit of loving people i have too often let myself get hurt too easily. funny how, sometimes i wonder why i give love and get hurt in return. i mean, i get love too. and it far surpasses the hurts. but isnt it interesting that you love to hurt? as in you love someone in exchange for hurt in return. i'm not saying we must love and expect something in return. it's just amusing/amazing how the world works. honestly though, in a relationship, expectations will come. like in any human relation there can never be NO expectation. at some point of time there will be something to expect, something that will cause disappointment. something that will hurt.

one thing i do believe though, you must love in order to get hurt in order to learn. re-read it again. it makes sense. if life is always smooth sailing, how would you know what to do if you hit an iceberg suddenly? the titanic thought it could weather anything. but it didnt. so what if you think you're the titanic? it SANK. and as long as there's people, the icebergs will always keep coming. sometimes a collision or a shipwreck is good for you. you might find a new island or a new glitch in your ship that needs repairing. i guess my point is, the more infallible you think you are, the more easily you will fall. and if you never allow yourself to learn, there's only one end in sight: the bottom of the sea. hmm, philosophical liting has entered the building. :P

these are like super random. haha. how in the world does life and PW have a link?? :P hehe. i am thinking up all these on the sport. i ROCK. :P

oh yeah. my insecurity is an issue. it's always been i guess. it's always been like, there. but recently it's been thrown into my face, squashed all over my cheeks like a cream pie. it's painful to believe that suddenly, i've become smaller than i've ever been in my life. and for one thing, this is a shortcoming i am NOT going to try and accept. i will not accept feeling like i live in the shadows of others. i guess the fact is i dont. there are no shadows to live in. there's no concrete way for me to explain why i am the way i am. but i guess i can say that alot of things that happened in secondary school are still scars that cant seem to heal. and i can say quite safely that's where all my fears came from. yep. that's the most credible argument. heck, haha why do i even bother?

if this is a serious mental problem: please call MOH. i need a break :)

hmm. i wonder if i am really super not confident or just attention seeking. ok i'm not sure how that's linked. haha :P

k lah. i am going off. PW awaits.

am currently missing: people i havent seen for awhile.
am currently loving: everybody. :) [it's NOT overdone.] :P

i dont understand the world at all.