i should be sleeping.

well yeah. i know. i cant sleep. not that i'm not tired. i just have too much on my mind.

i went on a total emo coaster today. it was weird, and it tired me out. the prospect of not having slot gave me no direction in life. for today at least, and i ended up sitting in the costume room for a long while helping Arika with her sounds. it must have been an interesting sight, because this is how the sound designers work. well, for the both of us at least. sometimes i thank God that he blessed me with a more or less technical brain. that makes me quite happy. but then again, maybe i was made for science?

i suppose theatre is not just aesthetics. but the fact that in the real world, little recognition goes to the backstage people is simply too hard to handle. i can only say that i suppose the need for the technician is always necessary, but never a good, glamorous job. the bad part is telling people i cant help them. like XJ's slot today, when the whole dimmer pack had no power whatsoever, and she cldnt do her lights. i felt bad. i went to check the circuit breakers, but i had no idea what to touch or whatever. i swear i could have blown something up, and that explains fear of touching.

i think the fear of getting electrocuted is bigger for me. haha.

honestly i think that sometimes, the best way to deal with things is to not bother at all. BUT, i dont like dealing with things that way, esp if i was asked to help. if i wasn't asked, then i suppose it's just being a busy body. but. i hate not being able to fulfil a favour asked of me. and it's not only that. i think running errands for people is probably something that keeps me focused and in touch with the surroundings. i fear i might be looking at a career in FedEx. NOT A GOOD THING. sure, it's not a 9 to 5 job, but i dont want to be hanging outside buildings on fire hoses all my life. the prospect scares me.

i confess that i run errands for people because it makes me feel important, and that helps me to get through the day. i dont mind it really, and i'm not asking for like thanks or what. i just need to fulfil that urge within me to do something that is important. in a way you could say i like it, being told what to do. it's like a constant battle to not have self directed actions. mebbe this was wat's meant by over reliance on others.

i am bearing my heart and this is making me very nervous.

someone once told me i am a very suppressed person. it's an innate inability of mine to even entertain the thought of being a burden on someone, and ironically, i cant rely on myself to feel important. i suppose they are 2 different things? i dont know. what i do know is that i think other than loneliness, i fear living the aimless life. the education system is well suited for me. i know it, because well, it tells me what to do, and it gives me some aim to work to. and i swear, i dont know how to live once i leave VJ.

scary isnt it? how you just dont want to be left hanging. my father said that in life, you either be the best, or the worst. but NEVER find yourself in the MIDDLE.

sometimes, good is not enough. sometimes, you just have to be the best.

and then i remember. i was never a top student, never a talented musician, never an actor, never a good poet, never the best PA crew member, never the best in much of what i have done in my life. i was never the best PSL, never the best friend i could be, and never the christian i set out to be when i believed. i speak without emotion mind you. it does affect me, but i'm not heading for a breakdown. it's all revelations that i need to do something solid with my life.

but dont get me wrong, i like the status quo. well, some of it.

the past few weeks have given me an inferiority complex, lots of heartache and too much stoicism. for those reading this for the first time, i think i handled it well enough to hide it from you. i'm actually quite glad it worked.

because well, if i can be stoic and be good at it, isnt that something important in life? and considering it's not the epitome of stoicism i've shown in my opinion, i think i've done a pretty good job.

i can go around acting like nothing's bothering me. it's not difficult anymore. well, at least i've been able to stop concerned people from asking. which is something that i am grateful for. and you know what? sometimes the best way to deal with things is to forget it. like how, in someways, i've forgotten how once close friends were close. i've forgotten what made me angry during slots. i've forgotten what it feels like to feel neglected.

but we all know, that last claim was definately a lie.

now liting. GO DO SOMETHING WITH LIFE.

why wont that sun appear?