wake up call

listening again to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat has made me think about my stand about certain things. like how to take things in your stride, and how to keep going despite everything.

perhaps that last post was not about taking things lying down, but it was instrumental, knowing someone out there understood how i felt.

anyway, my point.

Joseph, for those of you who dont know the story, was really treated like shit in his life. he was really given the worst of the worst. the worst lot of everything. He was sold as a slave by his own brothers, and then like that wasnt the worst, he was framed for having sex with his boss' wife which he didnt and then thrown into jail. and he rotted. he rotted at the bottom of the food chain, with every door closed to him, his day time darkened and his night time tortured.

and did he complain? no. amazing, aint it?

and then what happened? his acceptance of his fate allowed him to reach out and help others, and then eventually, help the pharoah and become Egypt's 2nd in Command.

what's there to learn from this?

maybe the lot given to you isnt as bad as it looks after all. and all good things dont always have happy and easy roads leading to them.

i realised this after listening to Joseph again.

go go go, Joseph!

one short of 400.

To Whom It May Concern,

It is with great heaviness that I write this, and with even more burden to find the courage to make my voice heard. I don’t know why I want to write this, why I cannot be silent about it; I know not why it matters so much to me. Maybe I’m an egotist, maybe I’m self-absorbed. Maybe I’m a whole host of things you want to label me with at the end of reading this. But all that does not matter; I just want to say my peace and walk away from this.

My journey with The Jeweler’s Shop was short and relatively fast for a theatre production. I must admit that I enjoyed it a lot, and I had fun in many aspects. What I saw was a working and breathing group of people who liked what they were doing, and to have been a part of it was in some ways a privilege. I consider myself lucky that I was able to learn how working backstage is like (given my theatre experience, this is the first time I’m backstage DURING the show’s actual run). I would like to express my gratitude towards Walk on Water for giving me the opportunity to learn in a relatively comfortable environment less threatening than in a real world situation. I enjoyed the company and the many relationships, personal or professional, that I forged with the Ensemble, with Che, Alan, Laurie and Rajesh and with the rest of the stage crew. The experience was made much more enjoyable because of all of them. Thank you for being the wonderful people that you are.

I have always thought of productions in terms of the on stage drama and the backstage, behind-the-scenes “drama” which almost certainly runs concurrently with each other. Most times, in the professional working environment I am used to, it is easy to separate the professional with the personal, because at the end of the day, getting the job done is the most important thing. With this production, I suppose it’s vastly different, given that it is a church led production after all, yet it was performed to a paying public, and was meant to function pretty much like a professional production. The clear line between professional and personal is suddenly blurred, and it is difficult territory to thread. Sometimes, things are better left as strictly professional and strictly personal. That very fragile balance was missing in this production, and many things began to border on the personal more that the professional. The problem then becomes this: trying to work professionally in the common sense of the word under such circumstances. In theatre it is about the community, but what is strictly work is strictly work, and play is play. Sometimes the elements mixed themselves in this production, especially with the call to be professional and efficient, and then suddenly watching youtube videos or laughing together when there was work left to be done. This inconsistency would not have bothered me so much if it was not coupled with being rushed to clean up the space or packing up the props for movement. True, it was my job, but if I was offered a little more help from the people who were rushing me, perhaps I would have been much faster. In any case, my point is simple. If it is professional, say it is and ACT like it is. If it is something not so formal, it is not to say it cannot be of the same quality work as a professional production. A balance just has to be struck, and perhaps it is something to learn for the future.

The Hierarchy of power in a community, as you all have strongly advocated, is essential to the efficient running of it. In the theatre, this is even more pronounced, because the director’s final say is important, and if absent could spell disaster for the production. When directions come from multiple parties who are considered in the position of authority, it would be best for every one to be on the same page. In this production while the director ultimately did have the final say, sometimes instructions came from other people who were deserving of the same amount of consideration as the director, and these instructions were often very different from the director’s decision. What was worse was the ignorance that came with the confrontation of the situation, leaving the responsibility for the mistake to fall squarely on the shoulders of those who, in the first place, were carrying out their instructions. This resulted in a waste of money, time and also much dissatisfaction from the person who carried out the instructions. The point is not that multiple instructions are wrong, or that the person was unable to handle them. The point is being ultimately accountable for your actions. I urge you to consider the possibility of a single source of accountability, because it would save you so much trouble. Or at least, let there be adequate discussion between whoever is involved before issuing instructions. Anything less is evidence for the lack of planning, which is not the most ideal of situations.

Something else I would like to point out is the mis-crediting of people in the programme. I think it is very unfortunate that an otherwise brilliantly designed programme had to be marred by a mistake which could have been avoided. If I remember correctly, I was engaged to volunteer in this production to help out with props specifically, and then I mentioned that I would be available for your disposal to whatever faculties within the production you needed me. I think I have kept my end of the promise. I gave off myself and helped Stephanie to the best of my abilities, helping her with Props, volunteering to become a stage hand, helping Stephanie to sort out the T-Shirts and trying my best to be “kay-po” and making sure I was available for whatever help that was needed. From my perspective I do believe I did all of this, and if it was not seen, then perhaps what I did was not enough. Or it could have just gone un-noticed. Whatever the reason, I was first and foremost props mistress, and I did my best to secure props for the show. While it was acknowledged verbally, I now have nothing to show for it, because I have been credited wrongly. For the purposes of the production I decided I could be OK with it. I did not want it to hinder my involvement in the Production, and so I made it known that it was “ok”. I was even willing to accept that this was not a professional production, and thus, I was in no position to demand for a re-print, or a printing of stickers or some other way to rectify the mistake, as would be common practice in the Industry. Maybe it did not matter to anyone else in the production to be mis-credited, and given, the reason for participation in this was not to be credited. However, please remember that my reasons for being in this production were strictly professional. Coming from a background that is not catholic, I found it difficult to have any other reason. From henceforth, perhaps you may never work with anyone outside of your community again. But if you do, I urge you to be more careful with people’s feelings. I was ok with it; but that doesn’t mean I was not hurt. A credit may be all the recognition that one gets from being in the production. I hope no one else will have to experience not being recognized like what I felt.

I may not be in the position to preach, but within the church context, when trying to reach out to others, shouldn’t the community be able to show adequate care and concern to those within or in close proximity to the community first? I am speaking from a largely personal and emotional point of view here, and thus, I might be biased and clouded with misjudgment. But my point is I felt a sad negligence for the morale of the people involved in the production. The use of harsh words like “stupid” and the cracking of jokes with less than desirable connotations are vastly insensitive and very uncalled-for. I must bring to attention one particular incident which concerned me specifically, and that was when the Gorilla suit was tried on for the first time, and everyone was suitably tickled by it. I was amused by the costume and was in the midst of sharing my laughter with Stephanie, who was sitting on my lap, when Kevin questioned us both about what was going on. The reply that came was “Nothing”, to which he proceeded to comment: “Good. There better be nothing”. If the offensiveness of this statement is lost on you, perhaps I should make it clear: it was a direct reference to a lesbian relationship, (I find no other way to take it), based on the physical closeness of the act of sitting on my lap, and perhaps on my personal appearance. The reason this comment was not appreciated and was taken offensively was because of the seemingly complete utter disrespect that came with the statement. Without going into too much detail, I have fought my own battles with issues pertaining to my own sexuality, and have a history of being bisexual and sexually active. I have since taken an oath of abstinence, which is my way of committing my sexuality to God. I recognize that my appearance invites such connotations, but comments like this are really not what I expected from a community that calls itself Christian and is doing God’s work. I am not so much offended as I am concerned with how easily the comment was made. Were my feelings as a person inconsequential? Did it not occur to Kevin that the remark would have been offensive, even if he did not know of my past and was only joking? This merely reflects on the utter disregard for those who are not within your own community, which leads to the question of how are you then able to reach out to those who not yet know the Lord when the way you treat people who are in close contact with your community is with such carelessness?

I have tried my best to be as professional and as objective as I can, but being personally and emotionally involved in this, it is very hard to be. I have feared that this is the progression my letter has taken, which is very unfortunate. The circumstances under which the production took place were perhaps regrettable, at which point I must move on to the main issue whose repurcussions have created the necessity for this letter. Please allow me first, to establish that I did not, and do not approve of Stephanie’s actions, walking out on the production the night before the opening. However, this is not to say I think she had no reason for doing so. She had reasons which I think were valid to some degree. Whatever her reasons, the fact is that it happened, and as many of you know I tried my best to salvage the situation, and tried to work it out with her. She ultimately made the decision to apologise, returned, and continued with her duties with full commitment thereafter, and no less. Objectively speaking both sides were at fault. Stephanie was wrong to have acted so rashly, but I do think the situation at hand was not handled very well by those in authority. We move on with the show anyway, and at the end of the production, in reflection, a blog post was written. What surprised me was the replies that came to that post which were less than favourable, a subsequent demand for an apology, and many phone calls and voicemails which bordered on threathening. The situation snowballed and caused me much distress. I was already emotionally affected from the start by having to help carry my friend’s burdens (which I must insist I consider a privilege), which no one else seemed to be really interested in. No one asked why Stephanie was so upset, or at least, no one ever bothered to try to really understand. I was, at that point, ready to leave the episode behind and get on with the production. But subsequently, after the blog post, everything else that transpired, the comments, the demands made and the voicemails brought everything back to my attention again. Emotionally I was being drained again, worrying about all the effects of these statements on my friend which I consider in someways to be harsh and mean. The situation affected me more than it should have, leaving me angered and upset. This was when I felt the complete disregard for the feelings of the people around. I want to plead with you, as I did before, to stop pursuing the matter if my contributions to this production meant anything to you. I want to move on with my life as much as you do, but everything that happens presents a new obstacle to me. It concerns me, no matter what you say, simply because Stephanie is a very dear friend. I accept that she might have made some mistakes, but your relentless pursuit borders on being rather victimising. Please, I urge you, let everyone move on with their lives. We did not plan to cause anymore trouble or try anything funny. We know our boundaries and limits. You have our word.

My only aim of writing this is perhaps only for my own catharsis and reflection, and for me to come to terms with what has happened while working with The Jeweler’s Shop. I also hope, however, that this letter has brought to light some of the things that I think will be worth looking at for your ministry to be able to progress and grow. I may not be in the position to tell you this, I may have stepped out of line, but what I can say is everything in this letter has been nothing short of honest, and I absolutely mean no malice. I would like to apologize if anything in this letter has offended anyone. I just wanted to be heard.

Thank you for your time.

With Love,
Liting

i'm so hollow, baby.

to whom it may concern, after all of this, if you're aware that i existed.

PLEASE stop pursuing this matter. you may think this doesnt concern me, but it does, and it is tiring me out emotionally, and it is a burden i've had to carry alone. right from the beginning, none of you have had to carry what i've had to, because at the very end i've had had to bear the brunt of everything.

please spare me some thought, if you even remember me. Please, on my account, drop this whole mess and let everyone move on with their lives. i've been very affected by this whole issue right from the beginning and in your fighting and bickering it hasnt made it easy to bear.

so please. i am BEGGING you. stop. sleeping dogs need to be laid down and allowed to lie.

-LT

I'm so hollow, baby

a long way down



Your love is better than ice cream
Better than anything else that I've tried
And your love is better than ice cream
Everyone here knows how to fight

And it's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way down to the place
Where we started from

Your love is better than chocolate
Better than anything else that I've tried
And oh, love is better than chocolate
Everyone here knows how to cry

It's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way down to the place
Where we started from...


GORGEOUS.