What You Really Think Of Your Friends

Grace is your soulmate.

You truly love Ana.

You consider Stinky your true friend.

You know that Vane is always thinking of you.

You'll remember Rau for the rest of your life.

You secretly think Dawn is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.

You secretly think that Farah is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.

You secretly think that Cho is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Cho changes lovers faster than underwear.

You secretly think Duck is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Duck has a hidden internet romance.

What Do You Think of Your Friends?

TSD TSD TSD

that is my life as of now. which explains blog hiatus. haha

but this week:

we jumped around like monkeys and chimpanzee. arika should just be human :P

it's official, i will trust my life with some one in TSD, and that person is Viv.

not that i dont trust others, just that i needed to name the most unexpected (of me) person.

we went shopping for von dutch. eh yuminah :P

we scared ourselves silly outside the library toilet, when a voice went 'liting ...'

we realised that our studio lights were used to warm chickens at the chicken rice store in banquet at parkway.

i saw a fly killer thing a magic in the form of a penguin.

i bought a rifle. (hehe :P)

arika showed us she is tone deaf. :P

we pulled through. :)

well. count down to exam: 4 days.

*panic*

could you leave me with a scar?

i should be sleeping.

well yeah. i know. i cant sleep. not that i'm not tired. i just have too much on my mind.

i went on a total emo coaster today. it was weird, and it tired me out. the prospect of not having slot gave me no direction in life. for today at least, and i ended up sitting in the costume room for a long while helping Arika with her sounds. it must have been an interesting sight, because this is how the sound designers work. well, for the both of us at least. sometimes i thank God that he blessed me with a more or less technical brain. that makes me quite happy. but then again, maybe i was made for science?

i suppose theatre is not just aesthetics. but the fact that in the real world, little recognition goes to the backstage people is simply too hard to handle. i can only say that i suppose the need for the technician is always necessary, but never a good, glamorous job. the bad part is telling people i cant help them. like XJ's slot today, when the whole dimmer pack had no power whatsoever, and she cldnt do her lights. i felt bad. i went to check the circuit breakers, but i had no idea what to touch or whatever. i swear i could have blown something up, and that explains fear of touching.

i think the fear of getting electrocuted is bigger for me. haha.

honestly i think that sometimes, the best way to deal with things is to not bother at all. BUT, i dont like dealing with things that way, esp if i was asked to help. if i wasn't asked, then i suppose it's just being a busy body. but. i hate not being able to fulfil a favour asked of me. and it's not only that. i think running errands for people is probably something that keeps me focused and in touch with the surroundings. i fear i might be looking at a career in FedEx. NOT A GOOD THING. sure, it's not a 9 to 5 job, but i dont want to be hanging outside buildings on fire hoses all my life. the prospect scares me.

i confess that i run errands for people because it makes me feel important, and that helps me to get through the day. i dont mind it really, and i'm not asking for like thanks or what. i just need to fulfil that urge within me to do something that is important. in a way you could say i like it, being told what to do. it's like a constant battle to not have self directed actions. mebbe this was wat's meant by over reliance on others.

i am bearing my heart and this is making me very nervous.

someone once told me i am a very suppressed person. it's an innate inability of mine to even entertain the thought of being a burden on someone, and ironically, i cant rely on myself to feel important. i suppose they are 2 different things? i dont know. what i do know is that i think other than loneliness, i fear living the aimless life. the education system is well suited for me. i know it, because well, it tells me what to do, and it gives me some aim to work to. and i swear, i dont know how to live once i leave VJ.

scary isnt it? how you just dont want to be left hanging. my father said that in life, you either be the best, or the worst. but NEVER find yourself in the MIDDLE.

sometimes, good is not enough. sometimes, you just have to be the best.

and then i remember. i was never a top student, never a talented musician, never an actor, never a good poet, never the best PA crew member, never the best in much of what i have done in my life. i was never the best PSL, never the best friend i could be, and never the christian i set out to be when i believed. i speak without emotion mind you. it does affect me, but i'm not heading for a breakdown. it's all revelations that i need to do something solid with my life.

but dont get me wrong, i like the status quo. well, some of it.

the past few weeks have given me an inferiority complex, lots of heartache and too much stoicism. for those reading this for the first time, i think i handled it well enough to hide it from you. i'm actually quite glad it worked.

because well, if i can be stoic and be good at it, isnt that something important in life? and considering it's not the epitome of stoicism i've shown in my opinion, i think i've done a pretty good job.

i can go around acting like nothing's bothering me. it's not difficult anymore. well, at least i've been able to stop concerned people from asking. which is something that i am grateful for. and you know what? sometimes the best way to deal with things is to forget it. like how, in someways, i've forgotten how once close friends were close. i've forgotten what made me angry during slots. i've forgotten what it feels like to feel neglected.

but we all know, that last claim was definately a lie.

now liting. GO DO SOMETHING WITH LIFE.

why wont that sun appear?

for i never knew the art of making love.

this might sound like a lament already, but i think it's not quite :P haha. ok what i want to say has nothing to do with love lah. i just like that line from my favourite ray charles song :)

i hauled my sick self to school today in the blistering heat and dropped by 7.11 to get lunch. i suppose i did make a mistake taking coke. i dunno what got into me, i just bought and like felt super guilty later when viv pointed it out. Sigh. nvm. oh hell. haha.

anyway, slot was like, promising today, but it was like so weird. coz after showing it just went bust. but it's ok. i am more or less happy. coz i was on medication and i was feeling quite groggy. so in a way i didnt really pay much attention. head was really heavy. so anyway, i think group is progressing? i hope :| shall wait for script tomoro. :)

i am actually quite excited. :)

on a different note, i had an epiphany today. i shall not specify where, but it, for once, wasnt in the toilet. :P *pfft*

i kinda realised that love is almost ALMOST always a selfish concept. like, we kinda almost always love because of something, some trait, something that we accept. we never actually fully love if we cant accept something. i dunno if it's some universally held idea, but in a way, it applied to me. like, how if i dont like something about someone and i feel strongly about it, i cannot love that person fully. mebbe it is just a character flaw in me, but i know that if i really want to, i can over look things and love fully. but that is if i choose to over look. if i dont, then it's like, well, i cant love fully lah. so isnt that selfish too?

i guess in a way i dont want to define love? i dunno. coz this makes it so quantified and material, which i dont want to do. but sometimes i'm just disillusioned i suppose.

i'm disillusioned because people cant draw the line between judging an individual and judging whats around that individual.

i'm disillusioned because people like to put up fronts and give people false impressions.

i'm disillusioned because you're a christian, and you're judging.

i'm disillusioned. PERIOD.

and you wonder why she doesnt come to church. it's a double edged sword being wielded.

so. if you're disapproving of something or what not, you cannot fully love.

dont judge her because of her boy friend. what kinda love is that? because i dont know. i dont know.

if being in the same cell group, being friends for some time and being close doesnt amount to anything, then you've really used her like a commodity.

get right.

ok that was emotional.

haha.

on to greater things, the beatles are wonderful. i cant believe i've only just discovered their greatness.

ok i am crapping like a pigeon. haha :P

bye bye.

whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

wombat wombat wombat :P  

i'm all i'll ever be.

the need to blog has eluded me for a long time, and because i do not want to do the cliche thing and fulfil a prophecy, i shall no say why i'm blogging.

in anycase, it's been about 2 weeks, and i'm still waiting. when it's the right time to talk about how i'm feeling now. how insecure and afriad i am. but dawn says i must have faith.

and therefore,

when i see you standing there, wanting more from me, and all i can do is try.

on to a brighter note ...

madama was wonderful :) sitting in between dawn and zhan hui during the second half and watching the puppetting segment, i felt immensely proud. of VJ, of TSD, of the four of you, and of course, of you. dont ask me why, but watching it all happen in the ESPLANADE, i just felt super happy for you. and to have had the honour to be there, (i almost didnt make it) i really enjoyed it.

i dunno what's happening, but i'm really really not sure what to do. am i being paranoid? i have no idea what i'm trying to do, and i also have no idea what to do anyway. it's a constant battle to figure out each move everyday. and i'm getting too tired to think.

freak i gotta stop ranting.

i'm sorry people who read blog. i am tired i suppose.

gosh i hate it. it's not like it's cold, but it's not warm either. it's just, lukewarm. if it was the extremes it would have been much easier to handle really.

F**K you liting. you're really really stupid. stop making up things out of nothing.

GAH!!!!!!!!!

iamfrustratedandidunnowhattodotostopitall. ishouldjuststopthinkingaboutit.

leave me to my devices i suppose. i need to sort myself out.

so ... guess this wasnt exactly what you expected eh?

SIGH.

he aint heavy, he's my brother.