the cruel tutelage of jene wei :P 

WOMAD singapore 2004

i went to WOMAD!!!! yesterday night .... :P and i went for free ... :) hehe ... sweet bliss of freeloading ... :)

it appeared it was gonna be another mundane saturday with nothing to do ... but i was quite wrong. mich-small happened to have an extra complimentary ticket to WOMAD and so i entertained the idea of going ... and so i made up my mind to go. i figured i'd regret it if i didnt anyway ... :) and i would have ... coz it was super super super fun :) ok ... 3 supers is one too many ... super super fun :D i played pool with dong and corrie in the afternoon ... (hah dong! thrashed you again! :P *pfft*) and then i went to meet michelle at PS ... the irritating thing was the pple on the bus ... i was supposed to get to PS by 5 ... so i went to parkway bus stop at about 4.30 pm ... and waited at least 30 mins for a super packed 36A (i dunno what's the diff) ... by the time i was on the bus, lo and behold, it was 5pm ... wow ... like so late right ... anyway, as if it wasnt bad enough that i was late, the bus was bursting. yes. BURSTING ... there were at least 60 human bodies stacked up against the glass walls of an aluminium can on wheels. i felt like a sardine for a good part of the journey. and as if pple were not squeezed up enough, more sardines wanted to get themselves packed into the non-existant space. the bus driver ended up stopping for TOO long at each bus stop. i wanted to pull my hair out. then there was the auntie. she simply refused to allow me to move to the back of the bus where there was space. i was caught in the traffic when the doors opened and the sardines started swimming out. naturally i got my fair share of deadly looks and irritated glares. but it wasnt my fault. stupid irritating freaks. *pfft*

anyway, WOMAD was amazing ... i really liked the ZAP mama performance... carribean drums with french and english rap, laced with a funky tropical beat ... and the arabian guy who sang the song called 'caravan to baghdad', which was a funk-soul welcome change to those sappy war songs ... i loved it ... alot. i had a drink ... and i limited myself to only one ... i wasnt planning to drink at first ... but it was free beer ... FREE BEER ... might as well right?? i just hope i didnt leave a bad impression on mich's dad ... haha ... but i had ONE (satu, yi, uno etc) drink ... that's all ... i didnt want to get drunk and start sprouting nonsense ... yeah ... so i drank anyway and guess what ... i slept. i just slept ... so well it was a welcome change to the nights before ... i hope the insomnia is passed. i could do with more nights like that ... :)

anyway, i started the day really early today. 6am i woke up to bathe and get to Kallang theatre for my church's celebration sunday. i had to be at kallang at 7am ... and i made it ... :) but what really irritated me was i sat around doing almost nothing (cept carry abt 2 or 3 things) until 8am ... and then i was told i could go for a break til 1015 ... 1015 am ... it was sooooooo NOT funny! i could have slept more! i needed it ... i felt like puking the whole morning lah ... i was super super irritated. and then during the soundcheck, we were trying desperately to give feedback to the person mixing sound that it was too loud, that the treble was too high ... and that guy in-charge just snubbed me. he snubbed me! refused to listen to me ... he think's he's some big shot pro issit? (ok maybe he is, but still ... ) there's no way to mix good sound if you dont hear it properly from upstairs. *pfft* ... idiot.

anyway ... i was really sleepy during the service today ... fell asleep while somebody was doing coporate prayer. then i started roaming around coz i was bored. and i hear half of pastor's sermon. but then i felt the urge to go up to the stage to be prayed for when pastor started inviting pple. and i broke down COMPLETELY ... i havent cried since goodness knows when lah ... i think since after O level results lah ... uptil this morning, i cldnt cry ... just cldnt coz i was so numb ... but i cried like a flood gate opening up this morning ... it felt super good ... i could feel the sense of conviction arresting my heart as pastor and youth leader alike whispered into my ears things that really started to tear me down ... and then that was when i collapsed. thing is i was pushed. but that doesnt mean that i didnt feel God's presence. i did ... and i was really really happy after that ... :)

yeah ... i'm going to do my work now ... but i will leave you with a little something to think about ... :)

thought: when was the last time you and your best friend cried together?

i want to stay as friends. :)

my heart could never yet confine my tongue

overdose on sleeping pills

it has been such a long tiring week. sigh ... yesterday i nearly lost control of all my sense because of my lack of sleep. i didnt sleep (or at least i do not remember sleeping) the night before and that must have been the last straw for my body. but i went home and i still had to do my history essay ... when i sat in front of my comp to do my history essay i began to feel sleepy ... so i gave up with the intention to do it the next day ... but guess what ... i got onto bed ... and cldnt sleep well again ... this reminds me of my insomnia episodes ... i have had a few ... the last one in sec2 or 3 ... i was worried abt stuff ... simply couldnt sleep. sometimes i wished that i could just pass out and stay in a hospital for awhile ... even though hospitals scare me ... but it beats being in school ... and being tired 99% of the time ... ah wells ... hope to rest well this weekend ... i will start studying ... i will ... no more pipedreams! arhs ... will be fine lah ... :)

anyway ... the reason why my knee buckled during PE yesterday was because of my lack of sleep. in fact, i tried to run, but my body just felt super heavy and i couldnt even run properly. so anyway i tripped over michelle ... vanessa said it was like an elephant tripping over a mouse ... Vane: funny ah funny ... :P

anyways ... i found myself on the ground and i heard a crunch from my knee ... there was a sudden numbness and then i could feel the boold rushing to that part. there was sand and grass in my shoes and on my leg ... it actually felt good to tumble like that ... but then the pain came and for a moment i thought: that's it ... my knee's popped out again ... ok ... touching it ... i concluded it was a false alarm ... so i sat there for awhile to rest ... then i got up to walk back to school ... now i think it's ok ... but it feels sore lah ... i think i better go see my doc ... soon ...

ok ... i have a shopping list which i hope i can satisfy ... haha ... this is another piepdream of mine ... :P

1. new wallet - hopefully leather ... something more mature than the one i have now ...
2. new sneakers - skater, airforce ones or anything else ... that's why i'm trying to wear out my converse shoes
3. another pair of jeans - to add to the 4 i have ... i'm just vain lah ... :P
4. Bermudas - denim or whatever ... as long as they look nice with sneakers and t-shirt
5. Hat - the one that SI top 10 finalist Jessea wore yesterday ... i like the pimp style :)
6. Trucker Cap - just one cool one to add to the one i have already ... :)
7. Belt - i cant help it ... i'm losing weight and my jeans are falling off inch by inch ... :D
8. new leather wristband - the troy inspired one is kinda boring now ... want new one! :)
9. basic round neck white T shirt - the ones i have now are very old and honestly, turning yellow.
10. finally ... a nice SKIRT - and i am NOT kidding ...

see ... haha ... but no money lah! aiyohs ... sian sian ...

that's it ... i dunno what else to say ... :) i'm going off ... :)

bye bye :)

i can see it in the stars across the skies

exhausted because i was thinking of you ...

SINGAPORE IDOL rocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it is great!!!!! :) :) OLINDA CHO HAS MY VOTE! i loved it i loved it i loved it! her rendition of 'sway' is the ultimate! she will go through! Florance Lian will look like crap with short hair! haha! my prediction: 1. Olinda, 2. Beng, 3. Aretha Franklin Jeanne. cross fingers! another 1/2 hour to go!!!!

anyway ... just for fun:
Liting's Top 10 songs to sing if i was in SI (in no particular ORDER!):

1. Desperado by The Eagles
2. She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5
3. Your Song by Elton John
4. I'm your Angel by Celine Dion and R. Kelly
5. Love Song For A Savior by Jars of Clay
6. Eternity by Robbie Williams
7. Leaving on a Jet Plane by Chantel Kravaziuk
8. I don't Wanna Miss A thing by Aerosmith
9. Fixing a Broken Heart by Indecent Obsession
10. Fallen by Sarah McLachlan

I suppose it's a pretty good mix ... haha ... some difficult songs, but mostly easier mellow stuff ... ok maybe i just cant sing lah ... i dunno ... but haha! i sometimes regret not trying out for SI ... haha ... but there will always be another chance! :)

i must go and do history now ... haha ... will try and do this properly while battling fatigue ... i will finish it! :) *cheer*

question for everybody: are you relationship phobic?

Thought: if someone told you they liked you, then what would prompt you to say yes?

tag me your thoughts ...

blurred images of sharpness

it's not right, it's not fair. Missing you cuts like a knife.

the year 2s are gone ... *sob* i miss them ... ALL of them ... the workshop is so quiet now it's unnatural ... i guess i didnt realize it will become like this. the atmosphere has changed. there is a certain emptiness in TSD now. i remember mon we talked abt not wanting to be a yr 2 ... i dont wanna grow up. i dont wanna be a senior. it was bad enough that i had to stop crewing. now i dont have my seniors around anymore. sighs ... i wonder what's it gonna be like next year ...

i've been thinking of committment phobia ... there are pple in my class who are ... it's kinda obvious if you observe carefully. we were talking abt our prospective boyfriends having their lives revolving around us. i differ from my friends. i would allow my life to revolve around others, especially the pple i love. i agree that you should have your own life apart from that person, but i guess when you love someone you want to spend every moment with them. i dunno ... is it wrong to love to that level? ok to have your life revolve around somebody is rather drastic lah ... but ... i dunno ... i guess it's just me. i am a people person. i love being around pple. i cant bear loneliness.

this reminds me ... i had a conversation with a friend today who told me: "i feel alone in JC." ... i told that person it was a very valid emotion. in fact, i said: "i feel the same way sometimes too." ... remember my post a few days back abt getting to know everyone better? reflecting on what rau said on my tag board, it's true; it's damn sad how you've been together with these pple for like 8 mnths, and you only know them superficially. i look at myself in JC now and i realise how different i am ... i've changed so much i cannot understand why ... ah wells ... there's 4 more mnths ... still have time. :)

i had a conversation with rohana and viv today .. .i came to the conclusion that if i wanted to be totally honest with someone, we both must reach a level where we there's nothing we can keep from each other ... it takes ALOT. and it takes longer than a life time to get that ... but i believe it's possible ... what do you think?

pple: tag's been quiet! talk leh! dont be intimidated by dawn and rau! :P tell me what you think abt this post ... :)

i am going now ... ooh they're playing 'stan' by eminem ... this song is so old ... :) i love it :)

i wish you joy. i'm glad we're just friends. we stay here. :)

universal prayer

and this is the outside :) so cool man! :P 

check these out ... they are toilets in switzerland ... haha ... this is the interior  

this can be more incriminating, but i'll leave it as this first ... haha :) 

treasure this moment my friends. it's the only time you'll see me in something that tight! =) [my prom photo. the colour scheme was black] 

for usgal16:

i just need some space from you right now. i need to breathe ... the truth is i cant see you anyother way 'cept as my girl friend ... this whole year, i thot i was over it all ... over you and over everything ... but that's not true ... i need more time, space away from you for awhile. the ball's in MY court now ... i'm not calling the shots, but i want out for now ...

so the rules of our previous year applies still ... no communication for awhile more ... it's in meeting up with you and talking to you that i've been made to realise and sit up and think abt my sexuality ... and it'snot over yet ... dont worry abt me ... just leave me alone for awhile ...

and when i'm done and you're still interested ... maybe we can rebuild our relationship ...

take care ....

eh ... it's white for a reason k! only for one person ...

procrastinator 101 ... =P

yep .. .that's me ... haha ... =) i should be doind tutorial now really ... 'cept i dunno what to do ... haha ... =P edna tan will kill me one of these days ... k k ... will blog and go ... promise ... *grinz*

it just occurred to me that if i died tomoro ... would i carry with me anything to my grave? the answer is yes ... there are secrets that i cannot bear to let pple know ... things abt me i want to keep under wraps ... so then the question is if i were to die tomoro would i have anything i'd regret not doing? yes ... i would regret not telling the people i love that i love them ... esp that someone who i will get over ... i swear i will ... that person must go ... haha ...

then the question is if i died tomoro, what would i regret not doing ... i guess that would be bunjee jumping, rock climbing, sky diving ... not that the opportunity is here lah ... but the real stuff i would regret not doing is trying to get to know my classmates better. i will regret after these 2 years ... coz no matter who you are, whether i know you well or not ... you still matter to me ... i dont deny i am biased against some pple ... but those pple still matter coz without them we wldnt be A52 ... :) this class needs work ... but we're all ok ... we rock man ... :) i guess it's difficult to get to know everyone ... so there are the few pple i wld like to get to know better ... haha ... pple like rohana, raudhah ... rashez ... shaun ... xi jie, desiree and pple like that ... sunil, conan ... haha ... even pple like carol and yuhui and michelle and angela ... i dont need to be close to these pple ... but i will regret leaving VJ without getting to know these pple better ... haha ... i honestly few like i cant say i know them ... haha ... it's now my goal to get to know everyone so that i can say at the end of the day, when it's been ten years and i'm sitting in a coffee shop doing almost nothing ... i can point to one of them and say:'hey ... i knew that person ... ' ... think it's weird? i dunno ... that's just me ... haha ...

so you might be wondering: why the sudden urge to want to get to know these pple? i dunno ... it's not the social circle i'm trying to widen ... but i suppose these are the pple who will impact my life ... they are the pple whose memories i will treasure ... k k ... i dont know them for long ... but i keep getting this feeling lah ... that these pple will last in my memories ... haha ... oh no ... getting sentimental ...

i was just thinking of what anonymous has said in my tag ... anonymous: in all due honesty ... your answers so far have been unexpected ... yeah ... you're like totally different from the image i had of you ... haha ... :)

anyway ... i must go do my work now ... dong's doing lecture tomoro ... it's going to be fun!!!! :)

thought: if you had to give everything up for one thing, what would that one thing be?

see you all folks ... :)

stones taught me to fly, love taught me to lie

narcissist! =P 

esplanade very nice to take photo meh? like jap tourist liddat ...  

metal ruler or plastic? :)

that is a lewd joke ... dont ask me abt it ... haha ... ;P

i should be doing work but i am procrastinating ... congratulate me ... :) going to finish 3 things today ... Chaucer, Chinese Compo and study spelling for chinese tomoro ... so this will be short ... i cant remember what i wanted to say ... but i will soon ...

anyhows ...

i am quite ok emotionally ... compared to past week lah ... i am donig ok coz of all the work i have to do ... distraction ... haha

thought: is distraction the best thing to counter emotional break down?

k gotta scoot ... see you all around ... tag me your thoughts ...

traded it all for one thing

i've finished the last of that curry ... *burp* =P 

mary jane's alter ego: spiderwoman 

loss of my appetite ... i might start losing weight ... ;P

this picture thingy rocks man!!!! :) i like ... ;) haha ... this photo damn cute right? ok ok ... i know abit weird lah ... why her photo ... but haha ... just play play first ... testing testing mah ... ;) this also proves my digi cam software works ... ;) i'm such a techie! :)

anyway ... i tell you ah ... i got GP to do ... then PW is DUE TOMORO!!!!! argh!!!! haha ... i am high ... going to do my work soon as i finish blogging ... :)

was just thinking abt honesty and it's role in a friendship. true honesty is a dream ... it's like i learnt that ... few can stay together with real honesty ... which is why all my deep relationships are all based on honesty ... the most beautiful ones on complete honesty ... like me and stinky ... :) but how honest is honest? how true can you be? if you cared for human relationships it takes alot to be completely honest ... and i mean ALOT ... anonnymous was right ... the truly honest relationship is a beautiful one ... it's like pple are never honest anymore ... it sux ... this world is so full of masks, false words and pretence ... it saddens me ... often i lie too, and i hate it when i do that ... but it's like sometimes you cant help it? ah well ... sighs ... i'll continue to believe in a dream where we're all honest. Brutality is another issue though ... i suppose we must seek to edify ... i dunno ... tag your comments!

love you all =) this world is big enough for all of us! :)

restless tonight. The light was wasted ...

i am testing this thing out ... haha ... this rocks!!!! :) set back ... blogger doesnt wanna let me in ... haha ... sighs ...  

evil comes in small packages ... bwahahaha!!! :) 

so you thought i was rigid? maybe i am ... but you never knew me.

hello leedle pples ...

i have finished reading 'iceman' ... now i must plough through doing my essay ... gosh ... it's like really difficult getting through it ... sighs ... especially in the mood i am now ... damn hard ...

anyway ... that really depressing, really angsty post few days ago was really just to let go steam lah ... it's a good reflection of my feelings now ... but it can only say so much ... i dont want to change ... i want to stay the same for everyone who knew know and will know me ... idealistic huh? but that's just me ... ok ... depending on my mood i can be very pessimistic too ... but i dont suppose those 2 were 2 sides of the same coin? i dunno ... arh well ...

to human being: hello ... just a shout out to you in case you read this ... haha ... :) question: for you, where do you draw the line when you need to be honest? when does the use of euphemisms become necessary?

ok ok ... i need to go really ... i just blogged out thoughts that came to my mind lah ... haha ... iceman will be handed in tomoro ... and i will at least look at history ... btw ... i will try to do DnF essay and chaucer on time too ... i hope ... let's see wat happens lah ...

some msgs:

korr: hey hey ... i think we need to start on duos soon!!!! love you babes ... :) take care! *hugz*

Dong: eh brudder ... take care of yourself k? see you soon ... :)

Stinky: nuthing much ... just: love you man! *long long long hug* will talk to you when i need to ... :)

mizu: hey man ... love you too ... take care ... :) *hugz*

Cal: you looked cute on tv ... hehe ... :) so funny!!! thnx anyway ... i've vowed to get over it ... love will not affect so much anymore ...

mich (ex-KC): ok ... i need to say that i think i'm not ready yet ... i need some space ... i appreciate all you've done for me recently, but nothing's gonna be that same and i need to deal with that ... sorry k ...

human being: the above msg to mich is not for you ... please do not be mistaken ... anyhow ... hehe ... :) hello again ... take care and God bless ... :)

to everyone: tag me tag me!!!!! :)

hope dangles on a string

you should be mine across that line

jaded by the thoughts i cannot comprehend.

i am sick ... sick of life ... sick of love ... sick of being all that i am ... sick of all the crap i am led to believe ... sick of being a human being ... sick of showing everyone who i really am ... coz that makes me boring shit ... i wished i wore a mask sometimes ... so then at least no one knows me ... then no one can say they truly know me ... which is good, coz then human relationships wont affect me as much as they do ... i am rambling ... and trying not to sound too depressed ... bear with me yeah ... i only blog when i am feeling down ...

i hate the way how i've allowed pple to see who i am ... i mean, most of you know i've been through my bent phase ... most of you know things abt me i dont want pple to know ... i just suddenly feel like closing up ... i can if i choose to ... then you all leedle pples wont know me at all ... but then again ... would i be happy? the extrovert side of me would scream to be led out ... then the whole cycle repeats itself ... i am feeling down for no fucking reason ... no fucking reason ... and i feel like total crap ...

confession: i like someone ... (to someone: no it's not you ... you probably know who it is anyway ... ) i really really think i like this person ... and it's difficult coz this person cannot and will not know ... i need to get over it ... but it is SO difficult. help!!! i'm on a downward spiral (for the second time in this year) and i dunno what to do to help myself ... argh!!! i wish somehow i could drown at the bottom of the pail of cream and stop churning it into butter ... i wish my tears would just come! I CANNOT CRY! i havent cried in months ... and it is disturbing ... i'm not the cry baby i used to be ... and it is scaring me ... i dont want to change ... i want to be the person who can cry when she needs to ... maybe i just need to talk ... but who will listen? and even if you do listen, will you understand? *anger* i will not continue being whiney ... i need to go kick myself and pick up the pieces ... meanwhile, here's my current favourite song's lyrics for you ... enjoy your life ... and dont worry abt me .. .i will be alright ... i just need to rant ...

Finger 11 - One Thing

Restless tonight
cause i wasted the light
between both these times
i drew a really thin line

it's nothing i planned
and not that i can
but you should be mine
across that line

If i traded it all
if i gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
if i sorted it out
if i knew all about this one thing
wouldnt that be something?

I promise i might
not walk on by
maybe next time
but not this time

even though i know
i dont wanna know
yeah i guess i know
i just hate how it sounds

If i traded it all
if i gave it all away for one thing
just for one thing
If i sorted it out
if i knew all about this one thing
wouldnt that be something?

even though i know
i dont wanna know
yeah i guess i know
i just hate how it sounds ...

i wish you joy ...

ve vill trink vine under the villow tree

i was asking you but you didnt say yes or no ...

the world of rap is amazing ... i'm listening to the radio now ... this song which has lots of the word 'sexy' in it was playing ... and i realized the stark difference between english (as in British) Rap and American rap ... American rap tends to be more hardcore ... British rap is more sexy, intimate and smooth ... nearer to the RnB side ... The american one is the real stuff ... the real deal .. .the purer hip hop ... it's amazing to see the discrepencies (is this the right word to use? how abt the spelling?) in one genre of music ... i think i like a good mix of both ... i think RnB has a cooler, nicer vibe to it, but the issues that American rap deals with are more appealing ... sometimes i wonder: if rap was never invented what would i be listening to? rock i suppose ... but i'm not a big rock junkie ... i mean ... it's great ... i like it ... sometimes love it ... but hip hop and RnB's more appealing to me ... there's only so much you can do with distortion and screaming ... contradicting myself: i still love rock ... =)

anyway ... the music thing on my blog doesnt seem to be working ... so i'm going to remove it ... sighs ... nvm ... will have more interesting stuff on this place so watch this site! =)

anyway ... the last post was like super depressing izzit? sorry if you all were worried ... hehe ... =P i'm fine now lah ... becoz i am ok i suppose ... i spent the whole day yesterday with somebody ... i mean literally ... in the presence of someone special ... i was really happy ... hehe ... =) leave it ... dont ask me who ... you'll never know who you are ... ;)

you cant love me ... even though i really want you to ... these words go out to you but you dont even know ...

anyway ... i tells you ... i'm not too on abt doing christmas event in church this year ... in a sense i want to be asked ... to be appointed ... so then if i want to i can reject it ... sighs ... but when it's by default you're in it ... there's no way to say no ... sighs ... ok ok .. i'm not depressed ... :) just thinking abt it ... i want to do it ... but i'm not all that enthu ... haha ... leave it ... will see what happens ... =)

tomoro i am going to some symposium and so i am ponning sch ... hehe ... so fun! and tomoro i am going to esplanade to FOH for Dim Sum dollies ... i am super super excited!!!! :) anyway ... i have a free ticket ... waiting for somebody to reply and say yes or no ... okok ... i'm like really impatient ... sorry sorry ... hehe ... aiyohs ... nvm ...

thought: why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
tag me your thoughts ... =)

ciaoz

ve vill trink vine under de villow tree