inconsolable longing.

I've been staring at this screen for awhile, trying to figure out how to put everything into words so i can stay obtuse. I don't know how to, and i may end up not talking about it at all. but then i need this. i need the possible catharsis that comes with admitting i have a problem. that my problem is grave and getting out of control. And that i let it get to the state it got to. I'm starting to feel the inablity to feel.

or rather, i've been uninspired for awhile, and the things that used to interest me no longer do. Music for one, has not figured in my life for awhile and it scares me that i've lived so long without it. I believe that one thing leads to another, and i know i have a problem because it is affecting my mood and my day to day existence and altering me to the point i'm not sure who i was anymore. Not am, was. (quoting from "Temple", because i think that is highly poignant.)

the thing is. I am not heading into a crisis and my head is still screwed on (or up, depending on the angle from which it is viewed) tightly and i'm not neurotic or anything. I just have a problem, and the despair that comes without having knowledge of how to fix myself wroughts my spirit and i feel weighted and all too conscious about it. I can't talk to anyone. this is kinda too personal. and in times like this (which make me feel guilty) i implore my friends to pray for me. (only in times like this, which is where the guilt emerges from).

Today i declined a KL trip the coming weekend because i wanted to be around for Sammy's Birthday, even though i may not even be spending any part of it with her. why? i don't know. Sam is Stef's sister and i have absolutely no idea why i decided not to go to KL. It just seemed like the right thing to do, even though it may never even concern me.

I have decided to retreat, with my only consolation being the love songs i will play for myself, as i lay in the dark and hope this cloud passes soon. This does not mean i will be going on a hiatus. It merely means i want to be on my own, to sort it all out before i meet the big bad world and fight the daily battles and daily prayers that are required of me ("Temple" again, in case you think i have become poetic.)

Til the next post (i typed "pose" accidentally. Kinda like one, don't you think?)

tell me what we're gonna do now.

another day in paradise

for no apparent reason whatsoever, the appeal of sleep does not call out to me tonight. I'm not insomniac or anything. i just don't feel like sleeping. Perhaps it is the weight that is on my mind which seems to hang above me constantly. It threatens, ever so subtly, to stop me from sleeping completely.

(i am trying to be poetic. give me a break.)

truth be told, i was reading plot summaries of the series LOST just now, trying to uncover what is happening on the show since i lapsed after season 2. It just keeps getting more and more ridiculous, and i don't understand why people still watch it.

Anyway.

i suppose the reflection on "Temple" is mandatory, although how much i can reveal without significant attention is not certain. On the whole i really enjoyed myself. not that the work was easy or the load light to bear, but i actually did more and learned more than my entire FOH experience with Dream combined. In the last 2 weeks i understood what it was to work under immense pressure, to breakdown only to build up again, and to learn how to respect a director the way they need to be respected. I also realised that i was stronger than i thought i was, more sociable than i think i am, and more hardworking than i proved to be. I'm not saying i did a fantastic job or anything, but i do know i did what i was supposed to do with the best possible finesse, and in the end no one was upset with me.

the plus point, really, was the fact that i actually crewed and began to understand the workings of a production and how production management works. i'm not the professional and i can't say i know much, but i might be able to run my own show, watching how my own PM handled "Temple". I'm not that afraid of the idea of production anymore. I'm also accepting that it is possible to do for a significant period of my life. I can see that this is what i will do in time to come as i build my career in this industry i really love.

the prospect of being in the "next generation" excites me so much i have no words for it.

I must mention here, after the reflections on "Temple", that Holloway seems quite on the cards. My accomodation application has been sent, and i'm already looking at air tickets, so the prospect of it happening is now more real than ever. I'm scared of the endless possibilities this may mean for me, but i'm thrilled that this is actually going to happen. I hope shakespeare does not get up from six feet under and trample me.

Ok. gotta go, starting to feel sleepy. (YES!)

cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in.

A love that will last - Renee Olstead



I want a little something more
Don't want the middle or the one before
I don't desire a complicated past
I want a love that will last

say that you love me
Say I'm the one
Don't kiss and hug me and then try to run
I don't do drama
My tears don't fall fast
I want a love that will last

I don't want a just a memory
give me forever
Don't even think about saying good-bye
'Cause I want just one love to be enough
And remain in my heart till I die

So call me romantic
Oh I guess that's so
There's something more that you oughta know
I'll never leave you
So don't even ask
I want a love that will last

Forever
I want a love that will last
I want a love that will last

So there's just a little more that I need
I wanna share all the air that you breathe
I'm not the kinda girl to complicate the past
I want a love that will last

Forever
I want a love the love that last
Always
I just want a love that will last
Want a love that will last