ok i'm blogging.

i cant believe i'm being forced to blog. hahah :P what the hell lah :P

so anyway, today was day one of internship, and a rather uneventful one i should say, because it's just faxing, faxing, and more faxing. sadly enough. haha ah well. anyway. i thought alot about 2/5 today. but i'm fine. time to move on. just looking forward to seeing them soon again :)

going to work for the first time today, i felt totally grown up and like "Liting of the coporate world" (ripping off from rashez) haha :P i was watching people on the train, and i noticed that singaporeans tend to look like a very sad bunch of people. at some point of time they seemed to have lost their youthfulness, and i felt so young just watching all of them. i hope when i start work, i never have to look like that. *shudder* cant imagine growing up. i dont want to grow up... grr ...

anyway.

cabaret is exciting. make sure you all watch it!! :D

anyway, watching american idol just now, it was refreshing to hear mendisa sing 'shackles' by Mary Mary. :) there is still God in the world. and simon said it was over indulgent. all i can think is: to hell with you! :P haha. it was a pretty good performance but well, wasnt really that good lah. her voice was lacking somewhat. but but but! it was totally utterly refreshing to see some semblance of the G.O.D in this world we live in :) yay. haha God is good. :)

ok anyway. i am squeezed dry. dunno what else to say. :P so there i have blogged. WAHA! :)

a bathroom where i can play baseball in

guilty

in the cab today, as i was turning into my estate, i was hit with a sudden urge to call mrs tan and my new boss. to tell the former i want to come back, and the latter i cannot work for her.

but. i guess at the end of the day, i didnt cause i knew, it wasn't really a long term decision, and it wouldn't have been sound.

anyway.

i now have a stuffed teddy whose name is cucumber sitting on my bed. which, is weird, cause i've never seen a bear of this size before. haha. and it's T-shirt gets rolled up all the time. haha. it need to lose weight.

2/5's really not making walking away from them easy. it hurts, even though i hate to show that is does. i wished i could give them something as concrete as cucumber (the teddy!!) so that they'll remember me. cause i will, FOR SURE, remember them. i have this bear fighting for space with me on my bed. haha. man, i sorta wished the internship could have started later. but well. no point in wishing anymore. things have to work out this way.

i must say, i cannot explain why i am leaving. i cannot give an explanation that is not selfish, or not for my own interests. i cannot justify leaving. because it's not about the students. the students are a teacher's saving grace, in the face of what teachers really have to face. and you know, 2/5, if you need someone to blame for me leaving, blame me. because msTan needed to do this for herself. i really think that if i gave this up, i would regret it for life. leaving you guys was inevitable anyway. it was a sooner or later thing. but yeah, perhaps i should have at least finished the syllabus. but well. 3 chapters to go. i guess i'll be around to help out.

AND, you all please promise me something: even if she has an attitude problem (in your words), give the new teacher a chance. it will take some getting used to, but give it a shot. you never know, she might turn out to be good as well. and well, if you dont want to give her a chance, then at least for your own history grades, study the chapters. really. dont do anything stupid like rejecting all of history and not studying just cause you dont like the teacher. i dont want your history grades to go downhill from here ok? you must prove to the new teacher you're intelligent people. dont reject her lah. give her a chance. for my sake ok?

and for one thing. we all (me included) have to learn how to let go. sorry shazlin, but tomoro will be the last time in a long while i'll see you all. maybe i'll see you all on sat wherever your cheerleading is, but that's not a promise yet. let me see what happens first lah. need to settle into my new job first. i want to see you all happy to see me and not cry anymore when we have to part. because if i can promise one thing, i will meet you all again. that i CAN promise. :) so dont be depressed anymore 2/5, we're now friends more than anything, so i will not allow anyone of us to forget the other :)

so. let us all move on. i will be around. and i will pop by at random. so. :) let's look forward to seeing each other again instead of concentrating on me leaving ok :)

i know i have alot more to say ... but i'm hugging cucumber now so it's really hard to type. kendra lah. her fault. haha :P but well,

sharon: stop chopping things up...
deserie: stop crying. :P ice cream!!!
priscillia: stop being possessed. dispossess yourself. :P
shazlin: you also, stop crying. :P and i will always be bigger than you :P
juliana: dont bully the new teacher. eunyse: you also.
amanda: haha. i just remember you lah. dunno for what also. :P
angela: take care of that ankle.
daphne: t-i-double ger - er!
lailin: havent read the poem. but i will. BEFORE I SLEEP TONIGHT :P
kendra: dont spend so much money :P
ariane: go to school more often. :P
crystal: study hard for history :P because i guess re-tests dont come by often
jade: i remember your house! haha :P
dawn: finally found your blog! thanks! :)
Sandra: double scotch tape! haha. :P

ok cant really think of anything else to say to anyone else. eh the rest of you who i havent mentioned! its not that i love you less, it's just that i can't really think of anything else at this point of time. :)

k i'm going to go now. i love you 2/5. let's look forward and move on ok. gosh. that sounded like some NDP slogan. haha. oops :P

"i'll spread my wings and i'll learn how to fly.
though it's not easy to tell you goodbye,
gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change,
and breakaway.
out of the darkness and into the sun
but i wont forget all the ones that i love
i gotta, take a risk, take a chance, make a change,
and breakaway."

shoulda woulda coulda means i'm outta time.

we're one family in the Lord

my knee is swelling.

2/5, you ARE sorely missed.

today i will remember for a REALLY long time. thanks for it. :) going to up load photos soon. :) i'll try my best to meet up with you all whenever we're all free :) for now, i'm tired. alot of things to say i guess, but i really dunno how. i'll see you all mon :)

oh and btw. can i just do a general 2/5 link?? too many links to do lah! headache. :P

when i look at the stars

All that you can't leave behind

the staffroom is cold as usual. what to do? there're 2 aircons running, and only 3 of us in here. i will miss this place. our random radio-clubbing parties MJ and i have coz we're bored of marking senseless SBQs and very random chicken scratchings. sometimes i wonder if there's a sub reality here that the staff room is. it's like some alternate zone, away from others, and i am truly at peace. because there's no one watching me. and even if there is, i dont care, coz ignorance is bliss.

i start work at a Theatre Production company on wed. i guess, well, sometimes life throws you strange curve balls and you have to catch them, even if it seems that you're gonna be working shit hours for peanuts. here, in KC, i'm getting good pay for peanuts of work. it's a comfortable arrangement i've grown used to. but well, i'm young, i need to embrace change.

i guess the whole point of this is to tell my students that i'm not leaving because of them. i would stay for them. but when life gives you something worthwhile, you grab it. coz life is about living, not about being comfortable. you need to know, of course, whether you're making the right decision. but, you also need to take risks and jump guns. and well, there's also God. He indeed honours those who put Him first. this door was opened by Him. only He could have allowed this to happen.

so here, in this brightly lit, very cold staffroom (girls, now you understand why i always seem to be wearing 2 layers?) i just want to say something.

2/5: you guys are a lovely bunch. you are, despite your noise and your senseless questions. you're also very united, which is a good thing for a class. maybe it's just coz i was from 2/5 as well, but you know what, you guys are indeed one of my favourite classes. keep that between us so people wont say anything ok? :P in any case, me leaving, the hardest people to know i wont be seeing for sometime will be you guys. you are a joy to teach. sometimes i wanted to murder you. but well, hey, you've grown on me. i hope no one fails history at mid years. :P keep that 2/5 spirit going aiite? and i may pop by at random just to say hello :P and you can call me, though i doubt i'll be free, for history tuition. that's if you dont mind my C for A level history. call me out for lunch someday. :) i owe you guys an outing, though i cant treat you because i am going to be very poor after i quit. :P heh.

i dont think any other class would read this, so i wont say more. tag me if you're from some other class. i might consider a tribute.

so that's that. the road ahead excites me, and scares me too. i am afraid. but i'm also on fire.

and God will be the centre of it all. that's my promise.

i will be going now. gotta trot off to lesson. for one of the last times.

carpe dium (is it spelled this way?)

i'll do anything to just feel better

catharsis for the week

read someone's blog and have suddenly felt that soft, sappy me coming back again.

so here's my catharsis for the week.

The Summer Breeze

the summer breeze
never blows so warm
as the love that overflows.

Perhaps, my love, one
day you'll understand
I am not what I am.

I am fragile. I
just want you to believe
the veil so thin can be

removed. But I am
not the stained glass window
you thought I should be

I am sorry.

ok i'm gonna go now and leave the literary snobs of the world to comment on that.

these words are my own

anything other than what i've been trying to be lately

my march holidays have come and gone. grr. i dont really want to go back to work.

sometimes i really dont know whether i enjoy it for real or not. SIGH. i meant work.

anyway.

i've just watched 3 foreign films and i must say i absolutely enjoyed them. :) i feel intellectual and oh so snobbish at this moment. down with you mainstream plebians :P heh.

ok i'm gonna like, go, coz i dunno what else to say.

gonna try and put up photos somewhere soon. :) watch this space!

don't care what people will say

the sad truth is

that it's very difficult for me, when i'm faced with something i'm not happy about, to be honest with that person. it's like i really don't know firstly, why i'm irritated, and then secondly, how to, because we're friends and i believe there should be no bad blood between us, tell the other person about my discomfort. i'm beginning to think mebbe i'm just difficult to get along with. like why do i always have so much relationship problems when other people seem to get along fine? hmm. worth a ponder.

anyway. basically i think my beef this time is even harder to work out because i can't really do much about it. except, perhaps, in the extreme, hope they break up. for one thing, saying anything about their relationship, they get real defensive about it. i can't really deal with this sorta thing. it's like saying anything or not makes no diff. but saying sorta risks quite abit. like the whole friendship will go to waste. but then, we were close before, so then, is it alright for me to complain?

at the risk of sounding all bitter and selfish, i really think that even if they were worried it would affect me before, they havent made it easy. it's just me, i know. but when you're surrounded by couples all the time and you find yourself alone, how do you cope with that except hope there's someone single out there who i can hang out with. i'm just really feeling the brunt of the whole boyfriend over friend thing. but life goes on, so i shall not complain. i'll just move along and hope you catch up with me.

it's a complicated issue. it's making me desperate to be in a relationship, just to see why people everywhere around me are falling in love. ah well. i'm tired.

dont wanna rant anymore.

that's not lip service

to that someone on a random note:

'you've already won me over,
inspite of me.
and don't be alarmed if i fall
head over feet.
and dont be surprised if i love you
for all that you are.
I couldnt help it,
it's all your fault ...'

-Alanis Morissette, 'Head over Feet'