I wish i knew how

reading people's blogs today while on a breather made me realise several things about myself. I wish i knew how to pin point these feelings and thoughts, but i'm not entirely sure. I'm not entirely sure if i care about people's thoughts and writings, but i WANT to, i just can't seem to listen and be a receptor anymore, whether the thing interests me or not.

watched an episode of House (hugh laurie is brilliant.) and pondered on the limits to which i might go to for the person i love. was very honest with myself, but then, you can never tell when presented with the real situation, which i hope will never happen, although i have a sick morbid fascination with it actually happening. maybe it's in the reverse, though.

The thing is i feel hardened. I feel like i never really loved anybody but myself before, and i make up for it by saying i love you excessively (not that i don't mean it. i just, well. hmmm.). But this is more because i lack a clear concise definition of love, a benchmark where i can say the love is real or fake or whatever. To know for sure what i really really mean. I do love you, i just don't know how to show it and whether it is showing. maybe i haven't been properly schooled in the ways of the world.

got a new phone and i'm feeling slightly guilty about it, because i don't know how to make full use of the features and i did pay quite a bit for it. Ah well. gotta get it up and working. After the exams, after the exams.

the end of which, ironically, i'm not looking forward to. Working, for sure, is worse than studying. I think that's why i'm in such a hurry: I WANT TO AVOID work for as long as i possibly can. it's not really how fast i get my degrees and other stuff, but more of how long can i stay in the little bubble of youth and student-hood, where responsibilities only extend to the immediate circle around you.

enough of all these, for now.

i'm on your back.

Strange, huh? for someone like me.

One by one
Only the Good die young
They're only flying too close to the sun
And life goes on -
Without you...

No one but you (only the good die young) - Queen

caught in a landslide (with no escape from reality)

I don't understand. how one can be so perfect and yet, so different. I'm worried though. if this continues it spells trouble, and i'm not even sure if i'm good enough.

anyway.

saw We Will Rock You today and felt like it was out of place to call it a Musical. it was more like a rock concert, and for many (me especially), it was the closest to being at a Queen concert that we could ever be. Production wise it was brilliant. Technically speaking, of course. Lights were VERY nice. Multimedia was very nice. Staging was so-so, acting was not bad, but the story was sorely lacking. not that the crowd was there for the story anyway.

in brief. MiG Ayesa plays Galileo Figaro, a clueless young man who gets song lyrics coming to his head. He has seen the sacred texts (lyrics of our time, mixed in with some fried rice paradise and Dick Lee) and is the ONE (Go figure, Matrix) who will lead a rock revolution against GlobalSoft, the company that has taken over the world, and forces MANUFACTURED packaged pop and electronic music into the mouths of young people, banning instruments altogether. in other words, the evil DIGITAL world has taken over everything that's real, and only a handful of people known as the Bohemians (with some interesting pop icon names) realise and are ready to lead the world into a rock revolution (or rather, rock revival).

I ponder on several occasions the inherent irony of the musical. It is a full-fledged packaged musical, lacking, i feel in the things that used to make musicals really matter, the story, the ideas, the concepts. It had all the lights, all the pizazz, the finesse of a well produced musical, packaged to be shown all over the world in the same fashion with little deviation. I thought it was very ironic, that steeped inherently in the values of the musical was a call to fight globalisation and its evening effect, and yet, this musical could stand up as a pinnacle of globalisation, and was being marketed and produced by an international corporation called Playbill.

ponder awhile, my friends, on that irony.

Other than that, actually, i really enjoyed myself. The music was very very very very well arranged and what i did with TWW was NOWHERE close to what music directing really means.

On another note. Pre-show found Stef and i sitting in front of these 2 young looking girls in the stalls and in between reading our programme we couldn't help but over hear snippets of their conversation.

Girl 2: " ...... *gibberish to us* .... did you see that production? it had songs like Bad Day and We will rock you."
Girl 1: ".. it was really bad .. it cheapened the chinese orchestra and english music."
Girl 2: ".... really that bad?"
Girl 1: ".... yeah. and it was expensive some more. $25 at UCC you know."

my heart didnt know if it should have sank. But i did think Granty should hear this. strangely enough, on some degree i agreed with the cheapening part. Couldn't help it. It did cheapen some of my favourite songs. I did feel though, like i had been living in a bubble thinking i did a good job for a really long time. it's not that i don't accept accolades from close friends. It's more of a reality check for me, and a sick realisation that audiences are impossible to please. Whatever Granty tried to do, i feel perhaps it was too dated, too obscure and will not be kindly looked upon in this highly "sophisticated" and differentiated world.

but honestly. I wanted to throttle those 2 Girls. Stef and I almost turned around and asked for her feedback just to see her squirm in her seat.

i suppose you just can't please everyone huh?

she's a killer queen.

til this day their story delights.

With a bang and grand flourish the final chords of Memory played, the cast took their final bows and The West Wing came to a final end. As i heaved a sigh of relief and pat myself on the back for playing a good show, i'm surrounded by my fellow west-wingers, fellow company members, band mates, new friends, old friends, my community and i fight, effectively, to keep my tears from flowing. hugs are thrown and some kisses are going around, and all the things that kept me in The West Wing begin to enter my mind.

I think to myself, my notes are not enough. These people don't know how much i love them.

I get back to the essence of why i love theatre so much. it isn't so much the philosophies, the theories and the performing. but the people. the people who make the magic happen, without any one of them The West Wing would be so different. and i already miss them terribly.

this morning i woke up with Scene 16's fight scene in my head. Big Gun is playing and i remember Conan and Wayne's focused faces as they watch flying tiger and general du beat each other to pulp. when i opened my eyes, it hit me: I won't see it tonight. I wont see my band tonight, share the nonsensical talk before the show over the spanish guitar mismatched music, keep silent for about 2 minutes while we wait for Grace's cue, and watch in awe as Stef and the chorus leap to action as the lights come on. I wont be able to watch the rebels in scene 14 with the charlie's angels music playing get their asses kicked. I won't be able to listen to Anjana's soothing voice on Fever and melt inside of myself. I won't feel my muscles screaming out at me to stop strumming as i play Memory. I won't be able to stand and wave at the audience as the company credits us.

I wanted to cry. Moodiness set in though, and i have been directionless for most of today.

I miss it already. the adrenaline, the rush, the nonsense, the bridge, the UNO, Dai Dee and the pranks we pulled on each other. The Food, good and bad and non existent, the cakes, the stashes. The costumes, the make up, the sets. i miss it terribly.

West Wing was something which turned out to be more than it ever promised to be, and we all chipped in to make it happen. I Love every single one of you West Wing-ers, and while i mourn not seeing much of you guys any more, i look forward to what else we could possibly do together again. :)

With Love, LT.

Separation is life's constant pain.

significantly insignificant

i have to admit: i have a slight complex being in TWW's Band. For one, we're rarely in any of the photos of the West Wing that people have been taking. I suppose music making doesn't make good camera shots.

I want Band Photos!

GRR.

Waiting at the West (Left) Wing.