nobody said it was easy

i feel like it's the end of a chapter of my life, an era that was great while it lasted. today i felt like i would never share the stage with you ever again, and all we did would suddenly come to an abrupt, inconvenient end, when the truth is we're just getting started.

i'm hurting, even though i dont know how to tell you so maybe you can make it right.

one year ago, we were this:



right now i dont know when we'll ever do this again. but it was great, while it lasted huh? :) at least we did as much nonsense as we could while it lasted. down the road, we'll see how it all goes, because i'm sad, but hopeful, that IMPERFECT ORIGINAL will be back some day, when i can get over being angry with you for quirks i used to be able to live with. i guess that's why it's about acceptance: faults and all. and love can conquer it all, because you learn to ignore, or you learn to accept. live and learn, as they say. well.

i'm pensive. hopeful, dreaming of something possible in the future, something on it's way. i guess when "drops of Jupiter" became our song, it was like a prophecy: that you would go on your journey, and i on mine, and we'll both ponder if we'll miss each other while we're looking for ourselves out there.

i wonder.

"Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
Oh take me back to the start."

- Coldplay: The Scientist

tear don't you fall

JAM at the ARTS HOUSE

am gigging at the arts house on:

Sat: 630pm to 8pm
Sun: 1230pm to 2pm

Imperfect Original is back. :D

Earshot cafe! click here for map. :)

HOPE TO SEE YOU! :D

scar tissue i wished you saw

i dont remember much of it really, i woke up and you were smiling at me, sitting by my bed. you were distracted. i wasnt sure if it was me, or the computer screen you were smiling at, but i woke up and you were there. i asked you to come closer, and you did. i took your hand in mine and held it. then you came into my bed and we kissed, not passionately, just tenderly, like 2 people in love often do. everything seemed to be right in that place and time, where we embraced, fitting onto each other comfortably like 2 pieces of an uncomplicated puzzle.

i kissed you again, and we lay there in the early morning light, happy.

i dreamt about you again last night, but this time it was too real. too painful to even look back on and wonder how it could have ended. the last i know, i woke up (for real) and you were no longer there. i wished to hell that it could have been true.

"No you don't mean nothing at all to me
But you got what it takes to set me free
Oh you could mean everything to me"
- Say it Right, Nelly Furtado

i could sing you another bridge that i made.

377A

asian boys wasn't what i thought it would be; it was thought provoking, edgy, and everything the opposite if a whiney gay play. the stereotype of a gay play (which is from the fact i have only seen ONE other gay play) has been broken for me. and what i saw on stage was raw emotion and real truths. it's pretty life changing stuff. i found a part of me amidst the katharsis the play triggered, and realised yes, that's the only way i know how to be happy.

so i'm embarking on a journey, in search of balance; that elusive middle ground again. but before i do that, i need to begin a journey to self acceptance.

in anycase, allow me first to indulge in some emotional self katharsis. it seems only logical to purge myself in writing.

a part of me died when you told me we were only friends. i didnt want to admit it, but i can't help it. we didnt have much of a relationship anyway, so there wasnt anything to lose. what we had was a friendship which i couldnt explain. a friendship i still hold dear, something i hope to see grow. maybe we'll never have anything more, but i guess i'm ready to accept that. i'm not gonna wear a broken heart on my shoulder anymore.

ok. no more katharsis. i get a little sick with myself if it's too much.

anyway. i perform at the arts house next weekend. :) call me if you want details. details will be up soon anyway. haha :P

tell me what we gonna do now.

i'm (not) every woman

i think i'm chronically able to personalise everything that happens to me, which i think will lead to an eventual emotional breakdown. but i dont think so either. i'm still alive anyway. :)

in any case. thank goodness we're all alright :)

you said all the world was dreaming without you

what you say, we both go and seize the day?

i've been thinking about life in the moments, and how these small hours, these little wonders could be that much more beautiful. we miss them, sometimes, you know, little moments shared with others that amuse, touch, connect, warm. like the time i looked at diana when karl (my CG leader) said he missed bible study, or the time i was enjoying my ipod when i looked over and saw a women with her book open on her lap, listening intently to her ipod. she didnt know it, but in that moment i shared her enjoyment; the need to put down that book so that the song can get to you through and through. trivial, maybe, but i felt united with her for that very second.

then rational thought got the better of me, and the moment passed. i almost wished i could have grasped it.

anyway, i have a gig in 2 weeks and no new song to sing. then i realised i havent physically written anything creative in awhile. it's like a mental block to my creativity from i dont know what, which i hope to be able to break down soon. one thing is for sure though, i'm comfortable. but that's scary. and i dont want it to remain like that.

Dollies is over and i almost wished i could say done with. but i cant so i guess this is not good bye yet. you almost think that after 4 shows, the dim sum novelty would have worn off. but if the show consistently throws you new surprises, i guess it's not quite that way. which is a good thing i guess. i mean, it is to me, singaporean and it's these kinda things that make singapore a great place to live in. i was half working backstage anyway, and i miss my giant bitter gourd right now (yes, i made a giant bittergourd!). i hope if they dont want it i can have it. :) it's not a lady's finger OK! grr.

i came to the conclusion the other day, by the way, that it is only at dim sum dollies that i feel the slightest bit proud that i'm singaporean. and also, patriotic. i think the dollies make it a point. it just gives the show so much more heart, and it's one of the times i feel all warm and fuzzy about my country. on the night of the last show, i went to the esplanade viewing room with steph and several other volunteers and witnessed the sight of a theatre full of people waving singapore flags. i think the dollies really have got it right; this is what NDP should be. :)

which, leads me, i think into somewhat hostile territory, by making me want to rant about how i think singapore is NOT a democratic country, and that the whole world is plotting to make us think we are. in many ways, i think we resemble a communist state. national day parades that are similar to military parades, musicals written for the purpose of propagating a govt idea, an information ministry, and many other oddities in this country. it's a joke, really. but i have reasons to love it anyway; it is after all, a house, a shell in which my HOME exists. and yes, "if ever i leave, i will start to pine" for many things which are truly uniquely singapore. STB got at least, i think, half the story right :)

anyway. i've just successfully managed to rant about something totally random. i need to go and become rational again. i am tired. i want to su reep. :P

tired of losing battles with myself.

let it burn

the familiar feeling came again, that feeling of confessions. and the subsequent feelings that come with it. well. it's done. and i just gotta let it burn. for once i think usher made alot of sense.

anyway. i'm not gonna get all wax lyrical about it. it's best just to live and learn. :)

do you do you like dreaming of things so impossible,
or only the practical, or ever the wild?
waiting through all your bad bad days
just to end them with someone you care about.

- so impossible, dashboard confessional.

anyway. dim sum is ending soon and it's been rather awesome and traumatising at the same time. i've been consistently screwing up and then trying to pick up the pieces, or being screwed by something then trying to just pick up those pieces. but all in all, it's been fun. guat hoon and xin en are dears. and jolly fun to be with. :) i think i will laugh myself into abs by the end of the run. :) which is a good thing, innit? six pack, just by laughing. laughter, as they say, is the best medicine. :) also, i smell an imminent next project coming. :)

anyway, it's late, i'm tired, procrastinating, and i should probably sureep :) i'm going to dream about whatever it is that has eluded me til now. :)

i used to be you.

dear readers.

i am in dire need of an update, and i know that. so here it is. my life is in theatre marketing limbo and i'm tired but also enjoying it. life is good (apart from the ever present nagging pain that comes from heartburn). i dont think i'm sick. i refuse to think i am, but i know, at the back of my mind i know something must be wrong. so friends, please pray for me. :)

anyway. coming back from the US i feel like a very different person, perhaps, more, as people around me say, a lot more at peace. i dont feel at peace. i feel all over the place, but it's this crazy running around that i think, makes me so much more at peace when i'm at play. i cant be bothered to think when i'm with people i love. except the ocassional need to work doubly hard so i can keep up with conversations. :P all in all though, i feel great. working (not as hard i think, as my peers though) is therapeutic. i never thought i would say that. but there. i did. haha. :P

i've been thinking about things that matter to me, like my faith, and other important issues and i've learnt alot of things.
i've learnt restraint; that publically declaring something has its consequences, some of which i cannot bear now.
i've learnt to let go also; that God will hear and He will comfort.
i've learnt to accept; that things may change, but things may also be better, or that things still can go on.
i've learnt to widen my view; that the world is not always at fault. sometimes it is my fault, and i have the power to rectify things.
i've learnt that what i am is what i am; that if i dont accept it, then no one ever will.
i've learnt that i'm still young; if i dont enjoy myself now, i'll never have the chance to do it again.
i've also learnt that i'm no big shot; and i want to be, so hard work it is.

that's alot of learning huh? that's why i've been on a hiatus. :)

but i'm back, with a VENGENCE! :D

performing in church at passionArt was surreal, and i know what the next step is for me, but at the same time i feel like a donkey. God says "go." and you go: "really ah? what if it's wrong?"
i'd much rather be a horse. :)

i'm going. :) til next time. :)

i wanna break every clock.