if shame had a face do you think it would kinda look like mine?

it's been some time pple ... 'sup? after a near 10 day hiatus from blogging ... i am BACK! =) missed me? hehe ...

ok ... actually it's been a crappy past few days ... but what the hell lah ... pple givin' us all this beefin' abt our results, attitude blah de blah ... i got E for both history and lit ... and D for TSD ... which isnt too bad considering my terrible mono ... but duo is gonna be good ... i can feel it ... i just need to get over my fear of acting ... haha ... sigh ... bleah~ *waves at duo partner corrie* =)

btw ... been starting to go around saying: *pfft* ... copyrighted by dongum ... haha ... but it's gonna be my phrase for awhile ... do NOT sue! =P *pfft*

tomoro got some seminar to go to ... meaning i miss TSD lect and History tutorial ... and also Lit in case we get our papers back ... the stupid thing is i'll be back in skool in time for GP ... and we're doing WRITTEN WORK!!!! argh!!!!!!!! sigh ... *pfft* ... what the hell lah ... bleah~

i talked to rohana today and we kinda traded stories ... it was really cool lah ... she's so easy to talk to ... haha ... kool man ... =) anyway ... i didnt really expect what happened today to happen ... but it's great that it did ... i just made meself a new friend ... *pats myself on the back* =)

i miss you ... i hope you're alright. to say i'm worried is kind of an understatement ...
 
anyway ... how's everybody? i feel kinda detached from the world you know ... it's getting so out of hand and out of touch ... PA crew people starting to get cold, church starting to get out of my touch ... i dont feel part of YLO anymore ... i like dont do nothing coz they're all set for youth camp and i'm not involved at all ... i dont like being pushed aside ... but i suppose there's nothing much to do since i wont be at camp anyway ... but still? i must be the most slack person in YLO and i dont like that ... i guess even if i wasnt coming for camp, i could still help right? dont start guessing ... i AM bitter about this ... *pfft* ... argh leave it ...

my life is quite confusing right now ... i need somebody to be there for me ... sigh ... but you're all too busy with your work and life to bother ... no i'm not feeling sorry for myself ... i'm just being stupid ... i need a break ... bleah~ i'm so tired of keeping up appearances in front of everyone ... but it happens only when i'm alone ... when someone (anyone!!!) is around, this solitude becomes easier to bear ... i am at constant battle with myself ... and physical disability does not help the situation ... *pfft* ... i'm just ranting ...

i have to go ... fuck life ... dont wanna give a shit anymore ... anger slowly seeps into my veins and i cant help it. SCREW you ...

unclench your fists and unpack your suitcase

Forbidden Love ... it hurts but i cant do nothing 'bout it ...
 
the woman in black scared the s**t outta me ... me and vanessa broke each other's fingers in the process of the whole show ... even though i think i was the less stable one ... but it's just a show and i'm done with it ... i'm just amazed by the theatrical experience i have been presented with. it's an amazing thing ... lights and sound ... the woman walking right past the audience ... i tell you if i was right in front i would have been sooooooo scared ... but i think it's worse to have the woman walk right pass you when you're seated by the ailse ... lucky for me, i was in the middle. :)
 
anyway ... some time back i wrote a poem ... it's not my best, not my first ... but it sums up alot of thoughts ... so here it is ...
 
Forbidden Love - Me
 
I have thoughts and dreams i cannot understand
In your presence time stands blissfully still.
I feel alone in this universe.
 
Reflecting upon my weathered, broken heart,
I know the mistakes i might commit again
These earnest words do not allow me to breathe,
For i fear the suffocation
Should they turn your back on me.
 
But deep down inside i always hoped.
Someday the love might blossom in the rain.
As the hands of heaven wring the clouds dry,
i will finally touch those beautiful eyes.
 
I will fear nothing,
Yet you i fear the most
For i cannot imagine letting you know the truth
This forbidden love might soon unfold.
I find myself too deep in.
 
ok ... so i'm not the best poet around ... but what the heck ... it's just me writing ... i may not be as good as you but what the heck .... i will continue to write anyway ... bwaha ... =)
 
anyway ... today marks the start of 40 days of purpose ... i shall be searching for my purpose ... i am excited at the prospect of becoming more like Christ ... but i dunno why i have this sinking feeling it's not going to work out ... i guess the emotional baggage i'm holding on to needs to be released ... sighs ... see how lah ... will STEP OUT IN FAITH ...
 
Korr: i hope you get better soon ... please pray for me ... really need it ... :) *hug*
 
Dong: hey hey ... just droping a note to you to say hi! ... and i miss stella artois beer ... i want a drink! =)
 
Stinky: hello! *huggies* love you babes ... =)
 
Cal: hello to you too! sorry i wasnt at piano ensem ... was out and didnt feel like going back ... but i trust the performance was great ... good luck for idol! =) *hug*
 
bridgebridgebridgebridgebridgebridgebridge!!!!
 
unclench your fists and unpack your suitcase 

the iceman cometh ... and he stays for a long long while ...
 
we've just started iceman ... sighs ... i kinda like it actually ... so far i like joe mott ... but i havent finished the play ... and i dont see the end near anyway ... but if it took me 1 week to finish the da vinci code, then this should be a breeze ... hehe ... ok anyway ...
 
i went to the ISD heritage center today ... high security area where the JI pple were said to be locked up nearby ... bwaha ... gave me the creeps actually ... i dunno why, but i hate being alone in a museum surrounded by artefacts ... it creeps me out ... like today, i wondered off by myself into a secluded part of the museum, and i couldnt stand it for more than 5 minutes ... haha ... it was thoroughly scary ... oh dear ... how to survive 'the woman in black' tomoro?!? argh ... =
 
anyway ... played bridge with cal, esmonde, shaun and viv today ... tried to teach rashez and i think she's getting it already ... i'm still trying to get the gist of mahjong ... but i think sooner or later i'll get it ... haha ... just like bridge! =) got news from stinky today ... sighs ... i dunno how to feel abt her situation ... i guess it's a good thing, but i dunno ... in a sense i dont feel like she's very happy ... *huggies to stinky*
 
Stinky: girl ... i love you ya .. .just call me if anything
 
anyhow ... bridge was fun!!! haha ... shaun and esmonde were like really slow lah! haha ... nearly pulled my hair out today ... haha ... but they're both great guys ... i think ... i mean ... they're quite cool lah ... =) you know what ... i'm getting this weird feeling of not fitting into my class again ... somehow, it's weird ... like it's first 3 mnths all again ... must be because all crewing and all is over ... i dunno ... it's just a weird feeling lah ... cant do anything abt it 'cept sleep on it lor ... =)
 
tomoro we're playing pool ... oh dear ... i'm rusty! sighs ... haha! =) then i'm watching "the woman in black" ... yeah! but i'm scared! *tugs at somebody's sleeve and hides behind that person ... oh no ... this person's not real ... AHHHHHH!!!!* hehe ... =P
 
unclench your fists and unpack your suitcase

suddenly i find myself in love again ...

bwhaha ... Public P is over! yeah! =) i tell you ... it's been a LOOOOOOOOOOOG weekend ... here's an overview ...

Friday: had skool ... Liew let us skip GP ... yeah! so greatful! =) then i had to go help crew/setup/etc etc etc for everyone else ... it was good ... i felt the sudden exhileration (however you spell that) of crewing again ... i love it man ... nothing can be more fulfilling ... =) i'm GONNA MISS crewing man ... sighs ... Korr started showing signs of being sick already ... we all urged her again and again to relax ... but ... the wind blew our words away ... there was no swop, but Guns and butter were great ... i loved it!

i suddenly found myself beaming ... i saw you and i wanted to smile, hoping you'd see me in the crowd. it's funny. you looked really good

don't ask ... just keep reading on ...

Saturday: had chinese listening ... it was quite cool ... esp. when the DJ dedicated a highly interesting and cool version of Pachabel's Cannon ... it rocks man ... but the voices were really high pitched ... for a boy's choir! ha! then we went charity busking ... that was quite a disaster, but it's behind me ... i never want to do anything like this without proper prac ever again ... Korr: want to start an official band? as in we just come together and jam lah ... hehe ... then we can look for gigs to play in ... Dongum already gave us a name ... hehe (Familiar People) ... so how?
then Public P at night ... Nicole was slotted in at the last minute which caused me quite abit of stress ... the thing that took the cake was group ... i tell you, it must have been one of the best runs ... and we year ones did it for ourselves ... i'm just glad my crewing with group is over ... missed doing music for nigel's second run ... i really really feel bad abt that ... luckily for dongum ... who covered for me ... *thank you dong!!!!!* oh well ... anyway, the 'highlight' of the night has got to be Korr collasping ... damn i tell you i was scared out of my wits ... cause when azilah passed away 3 years ago, it happened like this too ... she just collasped and then that was it ... i was so afraid of history repeating itself ... and it hurt so bad when i had to go crew for group ... i cried ... but i managed to keep the tears in ... but in my mind i couldnt stop thinking abt what had happened ... really wasnt in the mood to crew

*korr: sorry i didnt msg you the whole of sunday ... i didnt want to disturb you ... anyway, i'm glad you're back and feeling better now ... *hugs**

anyway, it was really great ... got home at abt 1130 ...

sunday: woke up at 7 ... had to go to church by 8 ... got to church at 815 ... haha ... what's new ... sighs ... but i was exhausted and worn out ... felt like i was going to collaspe ... had to read poetry in front of the whole congregation some more ... i was shaking and shaking i couldnt stop to calm myself down ... gosh ... stage fright in it's extreme ... ah well ...
went to send ah kok off at the airport ... had lunch with church pple ... it was youth sunday so we all had the same t-shirts on ... how groupie ... anyway ... there was a 'red sea' in terminal one lah ... full of Church people on their red youthmin shirts seeing ah kok off ... he's going for good ... i am very sad ... sighs ...
then i had public p ... so rushed back to school for slot ... was late lah, but ended up not having slot coz the ava was locked ... anyway, helped michelle (A52) do the screen for moses ... we all helped out lah ... it was quite fun! haha ... lynn stepped on the paint cap ... had to 'save' (bwaha!) her with a bottle of thinner and cotton swabs ... haha ... i thought that was really funny ... then there was the whole frenzy of getting all the sm stuff ready ... didnt finish until 715 ... lucky for me, the night stated late ... anyway, loved crewing man ... the ONE piece i will never forget and will really miss is Calin and Daphne's piece ... i am going to miss crewing for them ... it was the most fun/most cool/most impactful piece of all the stuff i did for the I/Ss ... Nigel's was the best too! yeah! i miss crewing for them already ... got home at 1130 again ... and plonked into bed not knowing if i was going to school the next morning or not ... but i couldnt sleep ...

you were haunting my sleep ... i couldnt get you out of my head ...

i must have had only 3-4 hours of sleep ... sighs ...

Monday: ended up in school anyway ... sighs ... struggled to keep awake ... managed to screw my chinese orals pretty bad ... and started having doubts about TSD ... yeah ... basically, i should be studying now, but i'm not which is bad ... i still need to read ' the iceman cometh' ... i feel like i'm gonna screw my life again ... got news that seniors will slowy start to disappear ... am really sad that i wont be seeing some of the seniors around soon ... sighs ... it hurts already just thinking about it ... the workshop is a mess ... ah well ... i will clean it ... i WILL ... now, i'll just go do some random stuff ... then i'll see how lah ... will sleep soon ... sighs ...

kk ... i'm goin lah ... my taggie's kinda quiet ... tag people tag!!! =)

unclench your fists and unpack your suitcase

17 year old Brian Moore was asked to write something about Heaven in
school.It was his best essay; it literally stunned his class.But sadly, it was also his last. He was killed in a car accident on May 27,1997. His parents pinned this essay in the living room. "I think God used him to make a point. I think we were meant to find it and make something out of it, " Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and her husband want to share their son's vision of life after death. "I'm happy for Brian. I
know he's in heaven. I know I'll see him.

Brian's Essay: The Room...

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.

And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.

This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.

A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told", "Comfort I have Given", "Jokes I Have Laughed at." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness. "Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.

Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of
these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched", I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run Through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out.

Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it..... The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes.

No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the
key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.

No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.

I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again.

He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards.

But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."

I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."-Phil. 4:13

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." - John 3:16

it's times like these i still remember i have work today ... sigh ... these are just confessions of a dangerous mind ... i am so guilty of all the stuff mentioned ... more perhaps ... my files are so thick the room would not be able to contain all of it ... it';s times like this i remember i'm a christian and i have a divine calling ... but what?

unclench your fists and unpack your suitcase