Breathe. Just Breathe.

the overwhelming excitement about England which i expected to have is not quite here; i'm looking forward but yearning for time to stop because i am not ready, i don't feel ready and i don't think i'll ever be ready. But i tell myself i will survive, in the words of a very wise (and big haired) Gloria Gaynor.

anyway. the other day you said i get you. Well. no. not really. but between staring at your plunging neckline and musings about what i want to do i guess i really do, on some level. Pardon the staring, it's difficult not to when it's in your face. Note to you, in case you read this: don't wear low tops. :P

on to other things.

i am contemplating writing letters to everyone, or emailing everyone so that they know how much i appreciate all of them, but i've gotten lazy. And it's not like i'll be gone for a long time. I mean, i'll be back in December with my 40KG luggage (which SIA has refused to allow me to check in for free thus far) and a whole new out look (i hope), so it's not like you'll even begin to miss me. but somehow i will prophetically suggest now that i'll come back to a different place because a lot can change in 3 months.

well. just don't forget me, i suppose.

Huge party and even better presence(s) : I've never particularly enjoyed big parties (sounds strangely familiar..) but I HAVE TO SAY i really enjoyed myself this time. by all standards it was a success, and it was the exact thing i needed to sit back and review life, and be thankful for the blessings God has given me. And what can i say, all my friends are either GORGEOUS or TALENTED. if i may, for the sake of embarassing people, this is the feedback i got for the night:

People who fell in love with Jeane: 2. (gender undisclosed. HA.)
People who LOVED the Nunis-es: ALL OF THE OTHER GUESTS.
People who LOVED Daniel: 2 (at least, that's the number of people who commented)
People who thought Isaac looked pretty damn good: 1. (My mother, no less. HAHA!)
People who were swooning over Shaun's voice: 5 at least, and counting.
People who will remember Amy Winehouse: ALL OF THE OTHER GUESTS.
People Who SWOONED OVER JON CHO: HAHA! At least 3. and i'm sure MORE! and this time i DO MEAN SWOON! :P

I am going to miss all of you. dearly. i'm still here but i know it already.

OK. gotta go.

Please don't turn away again.

through the fire and the flames

my life lately seems to revolve around constantly remount-ing things. First West Wing, and now, my beloved baby (ours too!) Hush is getting a second performance, albiet in less than ideal circumstances; still, revisiting it is like looking up an old friend in search of the moments one beautiful and now lost.

I am in part to blame for all the lost moments - discipline and being tough is not my middle name. I can only complain, i can only rant and bitch, but in the face of a confrontation i back down, and "hide myself away for another year". woe is me. I just think there's too much fighting in the world. But rationality tells me this is a conflict that must happen, that the confrontation must take place, for the good of us and all the world.

But i would like to state for the record that my heart is broken to see the treatment being given by you to HUSH. I want to be sympathetic and understand that you were really unable to be there, but one too many times, my friend, one too many times. We put up with you in hopes that you'll get your act together, and all our hearts are broken again and again. Enough, i say. enough. but when it happens again i have no strength or heart to tell you off.

what i need now is a damned backbone.

I'm not going to defend you anymore. Not even to myself. I am angry and it's no longer funny. HUSH was a labour of love, you don't get to ruin it even if you don't feel emotionally invested in it. you lost every right to be invested the days you didn't show, or came late, or threw a tantrum. you lost every right to be invested when you tested our patience, and in the face of us being lax, tested our patience even more. My patience is thinner than when i first started out.

I give up.

i can lead a nation with a microphone

we are gathered here today

I say that in the confidence that that is in some song somewhere i have never heard.

anyway.

Ladies and Gents: it is with deep regret that my trusty friend of 3 years, this 'ere tootpod (my beloved ipod) of mine, passed away un-peacefully today. I am divinely upset. The Hard Disk seems to have corrupted itself, and does not allow me to restore, seeing how it is now frozen permanently.

I am deep in zen, though my heart is really crying for this untimely lost.

i shall wear black today, in mourning.

on a side note: AM M*THA F*CKING PISSED.

frozen, when your heart's not open