a bout of nostalgia.
my room is substantially clean now and that is thanks to my own hard work, and my own sweat, coughs and sneezes. dust is a wonderfully irritating thing. i cant believe i've been living in filth. haha. :P ok now my room is clean! :)
anyway, i was rummaging through stuff and i got a new box for all the important things i like. like love letters, postcards, photos, clown noses, keychains and little boxes. i read, re-read and remembered the situations, the events, the things that have happened in my life. call me a sap, but i think this bailey's irish cream box contains all of my sweet, bitter, painful but above all beautiful memories of a not so long, but very much, full life.
i am pleased with myself. :)
there was a time i loved writing and receiving letters. there was a time when i was hopelessly in love. but many things change. and sometimes, when i look back, though it was only about 2-3 years ago, it seems like eternity. i'm amazed by the promises of friends back then who would probably treat me like a stranger now, and yet back then, there was this optimism that the relationship would have been everlasting. funny thing is, people i dont write letters to have become the 'friends forever' that so many others have professed and not fulfilled. i suppose some fault lies in me too. for sometimes, not doing my part in making 2 hands clap. mebbe i was the one who left you, or mebbe, you were the one who left me.
whatever the situation, i guess people move on. it's the moving on with them that is your choice, and the moving at the same speed that determines the strength. sometimes you cant leave everything to fate. sure, if you're lucky it will make you. but if you're like me, then it would surely break you. i'm sitting here with my one black pinky fingernail, and thanking God for all that has happened. i watched 'The Banger Sisters' this morning and liked it. something still sticks with me. the fact that you cant live an orderly life. because every mistake, every accident, every little disruption changes your direction, and sometimes planning too far ahead, you actually lose track of everything and everyone.
'the girl i thought i knew is gone.' - The Libertines, 'Music when the lights go out'
but hey, guess what, there's a new me! :) and when i look ahead, and look around now, i see all the people that matter are still here. in my little red, pumping heart. in that one place that i cannot change, the one place where there are only deposits, and there are no withdrawals. all of the people who mattered, matter and still matter are there, and all of the places, events, happenings, everything i've been through, it's stored there. :) i am thankful that i havent run out of space. i dont suppose i ever will. :)
it's funny how things still carry warmth even when the heat has cooled. there was a time we used to role play, and everyone wanted to be that 14 year old older sister/brother in the family. when i was 14, i didnt feel any different from when i was 11. there was a time when we all wanted to be 16, because it felt cool. when i turned 16, there wasnt much of a big deal. there was a time we wished we would be 18, and grow up. i'm not 18 yet. but i know i dont really want to grow up. it's a difficult thing to do.
sometimes you dont realise how much you've changed, because you almost always feel the same. i wonder what would happen to me when i hit 21. and then, what happens to me when i'm 35? when i'm 60? difficult to imagine, because that same eagerness to grow up when i was a pre-teen has disappeared. what's left is a kid who just doesnt want to grow up. who simply doesnt want to completely move on.
there's nothing in my past that i regret. and that is one thing i'm happy to be able to live with. there's no use in regretting anything. all you find is guilt and heartache. what's done is done, and cannot be undone.
KC: duck.dog.baka.fifa.stinky.michi.priscilla.ms gamma.mrs lie.mrs tan.nan bin.
VJ: nene.ana.rau.DT.jon.crystal.sarah.corrie.arika.rashez.farah.desiree.Kai.ling.viv.dong.calin.
CMC: mel.audz.yihui.wei jun.alvin.june.lydia.gen.chris.deb.
Rest In Peace Azillah. you are always in my heart. 21st may is a date that lives on.
no more long tributes. you know i love you.
thank you.
i'll be there to comfort you.
