on a chariot that's riding on a record wheel

ok so here i am, blogging on my new mac. i love it. except for some irritating compatibility issues, i'm actually totally cool with it. i need to get MS office first, which is a down side, but then again, i just love the mac coz it's gorgeous and it's got freaking cool apps that i could really use. just well, takes some getting used to i suppose. like, iMovie is really more for videos, and not so much picture slideshows. but it's cool, i still can do funky ass shit with it :)

anyway.

i'm supposed to be watching a webcast but like i just said, it's NOT EFFING COMPATIBLE. so nvm. i shall waltz into lecture with NO IDEA what's happening. not like i'm aware of everything around me anyway. :P

WOMAD, by the way, has got to be one of the BEST things i've gone for this year. :) the company was great, the music was great, the beer was good, and i'm still high from watching Jimmy Cliff for a solid 2 hours, as he charmed the whole crowd with all of his reggae. i officially LOVE Reggae to death now, and i WANT TO LISTEN to SKA :) it really really REALLY rocks. :)

of course, the dancing left me with an extremely achey butt on sunday :P

so now, i'm sitting in the far corner of the library multimedia room, and i'm not sure if i'm actually allowed to be in here studying and like doing stuff. in any case there's no one else here, and i'm alone, with my mac, with my itunes, and i'm sorely missing people who are away in brown and going away in sept, incidentally on the same flight. i also miss german girls, miss aussie chicks, and hell, i even miss my JC dudes in NUS, NTU and SMU. in short, i'm leading a very lonely existence here and i want all of you to come back. NOW. :P

and contrary to popular belief, i AM NOT DEPRESSED. at the moment at least.

it's been nice recieving emails from people abroad, and i wrote something in response which i thought, for one, corrie (i know you're reading this!) should really pay attention to. i have a feeling this will be the same feelings i'll be experiencing ALOT. ok. i'm no poet, but i try. read and enjoy.

Read your note which ended
With a sudden compulsion
to write back,
But i couldn't;
And i wondered and marvelled
why i never said anything
when there was time,
Before it ran out on us,
Out the door into some
unknown realm.
i dont know why there's a
regret that is strong,
maybe because we've been so
honest,
maybe because i've been
so honest,
and isnt that the reason
That the urge to speak still exists?

ok. i gotta go and do something. else. i think. haha :P

am missing alot of people, sorely.

they can take it all everything we possess, but they cant take belief from deep down in our chest.

on a chariot that's riding on a record wheel

ok so here i am, blogging on my new mac. i love it. except for some irritating compatibility issues, i'm actually totally cool with it. i need to get MS office first, which is a down side, but then again, i just love the mac coz it's gorgeous and it's got freaking cool apps that i could really use. just well, takes some getting used to i suppose. like, iMovie is really more for videos, and not so much picture slideshows. but it's cool, i still can do funky ass shit with it :)

anyway.

i'm supposed to be watching a webcast but like i just said, it's NOT EFFING COMPATIBLE. so nvm. i shall waltz into lecture with NO IDEA what's happening. not like i'm aware of everything around me anyway. :P

WOMAD, by the way, has got to be one of the BEST things i've gone for this year. :) the company was great, the music was great, the beer was good, and i'm still high from watching Jimmy Cliff for a solid 2 hours, as he charmed the whole crowd with all of his reggae. i officially LOVE Reggae to death now, and i WANT TO LISTEN to SKA :) it really really REALLY rocks. :)

of course, the dancing left me with an extremely achey butt on sunday :P

so now, i'm sitting in the far corner of the library multimedia room, and i'm not sure if i'm actually allowed to be in here studying and like doing stuff. in any case there's no one else here, and i'm alone, with my mac, with my itunes, and i'm sorely missing people who are away in brown and going away in sept, incidentally on the same flight. i also miss german girls, miss aussie chicks, and hell, i even miss my JC dudes in NUS, NTU and SMU. in short, i'm leading a very lonely existence here and i want all of you to come back. NOW. :P

and contrary to popular belief, i AM NOT DEPRESSED. at the moment at least.

it's been nice recieving emails from people abroad, and i wrote something in response which i thought, for one, corrie (i know you're reading this!) should really pay attention to. i have a feeling this will be the same feelings i'll be experiencing ALOT. ok. i'm no poet, but i try. read and enjoy.

Read your note which ended
With a sudden compulsion
to write back,
But i couldn't;
And i wondered and marvelled
why i never said anything
when there was time,
Before it ran out on us,
Out the door into some
unknown realm.
i dont know why there's a
regret that is strong,
maybe because we've been so
honest,
maybe because i've been
so honest,
and isnt that the reason
That the urge to speak still exists?

ok. i gotta go and do something. else. i think. haha :P

am missing alot of people, sorely.

they can take it all everything we possess, but they cant take belief from deep down in our chest.

you said we have nothing in common

this post is in italics. i am writing for pleasure.

it's funny, how simple things can bring you to mind. it's funny how there are so many songs i could sing to you, and i want to, but it'll never, ever work out. i'm too fickle, and i guess i'm not your type. you probably like to kiss and run, but i'm looking for commitment. which is the one flaw in the whole issue. we are not in any bits the same. except maybe in our star signs.

it's never hurt so much before. i mean, these feelings have always been there. you were always special. but i've never took it so bad. it's funny how there always seems to be only one person you really wanna be with, and yet, you can't, because it's just untouchable. funny how, it's only when you've parted that you start to miss what you can never have. how do you miss something that could've happened, but never will?

i tell myself i've given up, when the fact of the matter is i haven't. it's just, not that easy and fickle to let go of like that. it has to take time to heal, the hurt that i've caused myself and the scars will always be there, because i'll always remember you.

i just wanted you to know. one thing. i've found the perfect song.

Your Eyes - Rent

your eyes,
as we said our goodbyes
can't get them out of my mind,
and i find i can't hide
from your eyes,
the ones that took me by surprise,
the night you came into my life,
where there's moonlight,
i see your eyes.

how'd i let you slip away,
when i'm longing so to hold you
now i'd die for one more day
'cause there's something i should have told you
there's something i should have told you

when i looked into your eyes
why does distance make us wise?
you were the song all along
and before the song dies

i should tell you, i should tell you
i have always loved you
you can see it in my eyes.

oh lover, i'll cover you.

so you sailed away.

school, which has been an unfamiliar phrase for the past 5 months at least, has finally begun, and now, i'm getting used to calling the grey walls of clementi my second home. it is an unfamiliar environment which i hope will soon become familiar, once i start making friends and getting to know others. and trying not to drown in my mountain of work while i juggle school and about 3 hours of travelling time (in total) from one end of the country to the other. thank goodness most of it is spent on an MRT, if not, i think i would die a terrible death.

i like trains. i like to watch people as they shuttle into tin cans like sardines, pushing their way onto the rail carriage as more and more people jump in from the escalator to try and hop on before the train leaves for the next station. i like to watch people and their antics on the train. i've observed some very intriguing phenomena, which i believe is only evident in singapore. for one, if you sit in a train carriage facing other people, you will know that the seats are divided into sections, alternating with the hydraulic (i think) powered doors and people standing at the door ways. if you ever look carefully, EACH SECTION will always have at least ONE person who is plugged into headphones, either on some mobile phone, MP3 player or walkman or discman. i think besides the handphone, we (singapore) must have the highest headphones to humans ratio in the world.

i'm reminded of a neil humphreys column in TODAY newspaper i read some time ago. if you read it, he basically talked about how people are on the trains, and called some individuals 'MP3 DJs'; who basically have music blasted so loudly that everyone around them can hear james blunt declare how beautiful the girl sitting opposite him on the subway with another man was. i think it's very amusing that on one such long MRT trips, i actually did encounter someone listening to 'you're beautiful' by james blunt. except it was playing on her laptop, not on her MP3 player.

anyway.

so. i like NUS. i think. i mean, it's kinda cool, like lectures seem interesting and i think i'll be good to go for this sem. i actually enjoyed all the lectures so far, sitting by myself feeling all high and cheery. but like i said, i havent got any new friends. i suppose there are those i know from JC, and i'm grateful for their presence, but i really wanted to step out and make at least one new friend. a nice chinese scholar helped me find rau's room. i havent seen her since. but i dont think i'll be saying much to her. i mean, she's from china. not that i'm racist or prejudiced or something, i just dont speak much chinese. and i will feel extremely uncomfortable.

i think racism stems from ignorance, or the knowledge that these people are better than you.

but i digress.

not going for orientation was both a blessing and a curse. for one, i didnt have to do some really strange things i saw people doing on orchard road. i would have participated i suppose, just to be a crazy freak. but if it didnt work out i would have been so embarrased to the bone that i would never set foot into NUS again. and you know, it's not that difficult to find your way around NUS, especially when you've got a campus map in your bag, and have the LTs labelled clearly. i dread having to find my way to tutorial. the map shows NOTHING.

the one gripe i have, which actually, if looked at objectively, can be quite amusing, is the fact that the damned campus is built on a FREAKING hill/mountain. running uphill for a shuttle bus is just one of the new things i have to get used to. which i did the other day, and i caught the bus, yes, but i felt like my lungs could explode. and walking from one place to another in campus is a TREKKING trip in itself. i walked from central library today to YIH, and i climbed like, 3 million stairs. was so tired by the end of it all. i dont mind though. hoping that all of that climbing and the exercise regime i'm about to embark on will produce a slimmer, healthier me.

so anyway.

i'm sleepy, even though i've spent most of today drifting in and out of consciousness on my couch, trying to make sense of the new media readings. i figured i better get started, if not, i'll NEVER start, and that is not good. 30 seconds into the reading my head began to hurt. it wasnt a headache, but it was almost as if my brain had been asleep for 8 months, and it was suddenly awoken and asked to run at 300 miles per hour, processing information at a pentium 1 speed, when it should be running at duo core speeds. it hurt because i could feel the neurons coming to live, the electric signals being sent over the super highway of my mind as the rusty gears are kick started. or maybe it was the lack of sleep.

which doesnt make sense. i've been sleeping relatively well.

in any case. i do not want to crash and burn in my first sem. i've understood that the proactive approach is not just necessary, but ESSENTIAL. it's fundamentally required if i want to actually do well in university. the future, however, looks bleak and bright at the same time. i know for sure that i've left a bad impression coming out of CABARET. i threw away most of the CABARET stuff left over, and with it, my future of working in singapore theatre. i may be exaggerating, but that's how i feel. i may be being too hard on myself, but i've learnt alot of things, and so, i did take more than i gave. but it is the past, and it should never be dwelled upon for too long, if not one only seeks to upset oneself. so looking forward to my so called future, i'm not at all enthusiastic about what lies before me.

sure, the academic stuff does interest me. but honestly. i feel so claustrophobic in NUS. there's way too many people, and i feel all alone, in a bleak, cold environment. i need to step out. soon i must be able to call this place home.

so anyway. i'd better stop here. gotta ballot for my tutorials tomorrow, so. hopefully it all works out for me, and i can avoid the stupid bidding nightmare which i had with my modules.

i wished i was taking Lit.

one song before i go.

Move Along – The all American Rejects

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone sins
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong we move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through [x3]

(Move along)

(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along

ok. that's it. this concludes a long post.

missing people like crazy.

living not for reality

i am an elephant

can i just say if i dont talk to you doesnt mean i forgot you!!!

elephants never forget.

GRR.

am officially fuming coz you have no faith in me.

BLEAGH!

(heh. :P)

i give You control

Finally.

i have cleaned my room.

this comes a little late, and perhaps by now the magic is gone. but i dont care. i'm still high on the substation control room's blue light, and sprouts still remains clearly imprinted in my head. it was one of those feelings, that i've arrived and that we've all reached a new level in TSD, (well, not quite TSD pe se, but i'm not really making much sense am i? i really just mean, as mates all living for something we all have come to love so deeply), and i can't help but feel that pride and joy to probably be the first batch to have done this. i may embarrass myself for lack of information, but i just want to proclaim how great it feels to have been able to be doing lights and sound for what is probably the first TSD performance not in the confines of VJ. for that i have 4 brilliant people to thank. who graciously and readily hugged me even after the tech screw up, to say it was ok. sprouts, thank you. :)

i have the urge to launch on a well worded reflection on the whole experience, but i've decided not to. i will embark on a reflection, but in my own style. i really wished we could have had at least a run, like multiple shows, because the magic can only get better and better as it is performed over and over. because every show is different, because theatre is ephemeral, and because different groups of people come and different reactions will be reaped. and maybe because i really wanted the magic to be pro-longed. i only came in to join sprouts late into the process, but my connection and my bond with it is really quite deep. perhaps it is because of the people and how as long as you were in 04A52 or 04A55, you'll always have a special place in my heart, and it is also because i really REALLY love the script and the message of the piece in it's entity. when you identify with something, instant connections are made. it's like making friends, sometimes the closest people are those you havent really known for long. and sometimes the briefest encounters make such an impact that you just wished, hoped, prayed, longed for it to just keep happening.

and i think that's why people can keep at the same show again and again for years on end on broadway or the west end. people just want permanance in a world that they have come to know as ephemeral.

anyway. the piece. said shortly and sweetly, it totally told my story. at least how i saw it, i couldnt help but to feel a connection with every one of the 3 characters. and my favourite scene had to be the dinner scene, though i really did like mich's monologue too. in so many ways, 'hello' epitomized perfectly the feelings and emotions that i've felt; the hurts, the fears, the things that make me who i am, my reactions, my thoughts, my feelings. they were all there. it was a sad ending, but it was one with hope. and standing by a somewhat optimistic view here, there is hope. because we all need SOMEBODY, and there is always going to be somebody. and the shadows and ghosts of our past may come back, and it may never be the same again, but there will always be someone. (i'm sorta losing sense of what i'm trying to say. blame it on iTunes. it just played a fantastic song that i feel summarises it all.)

Depeche Mode - Somebody

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought
And with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to stay clear
Out of those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it
And in a place like this
I'll get away with it

in summary, i am just glad to have been in TSD. :) and i hope we'll all return and flood the theatre industry. :)

on another note, hearing news that Lofty is leaving fills me with a great sadness. if there was any one person i really really really am grateful to in all my years in being in the damned screwed up education system in singapore, it has to be Lofty. no one has EVER, no single teacher has ever taught me to believe in myself the way he has. i am upset that he has to retire, that with each passing minute he grows older. i'm pretty sure that there are scores of people who feel the same way about Lofty as i do. whose lives were similarly changed because we met an extraordinary man who taught us all that we all had theatre senses in us, and above all taught us that we had it in us to do it.

i can only imagine what he must have felt after sprouts. i'm willing to GUESS that he must have been really really proud. :) remind me that if i EVER write a book/play, i must dedicate it to this man. :) perhaps now i should write a song. :)

ok i sound like i've got some weird obsession with Lofty. you know honestly, i dont know about the rest of TSD, but for me, he is really something. :) he really has given me so much belief in myself that i really never had before. :) so ok. i shall stop writing a tribute to him. haha :P

in anycase. WE MUST MUST MUST do something like this again. and sprouts has the honor of being the first in what i hope to be a series of collaborations among friends. :)

ok i must end here now before i continue about some nonsense shit. :P

PEACE OUT WORD!

we were living for the love we had, living not for reality