you'll be my new best friend if you send me this song.

2 AM and she calls me cause I'm still awake
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season.
Yeah we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason.

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So cradle your head in your hands.
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss
"Just a day," he said down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year
Here in town you can tell he's been down for awhile
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him maybe I'll just sing about it

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button, boys
so cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breath just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel
You shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made
You'll just make them again if you'll only try turnin' around

2 AM and I'm still awake writing this song
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to.

But you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand, yeah breathe
Just breathe, oh oh breathe, just breathe, oh breathe,
just breathe, oh breathe, just breathe

you looked into my life and never stopped.

i wonder about alot of things. most times i know it's me being egocentric, sometimes just looking for an ego trip, and i ask alot of questions to indulge in fantasies that i want to indulge in. sometimes i do things to make a situation harder than it really is, because i want to prolong it, to preserve that illusion. and sometimes i do something way out of what i know to be my character, just to see what it's effect would be.

i could go on and on about the things i dont like about myself, but THAT in itself is self-indulgent and unnecessary. i could start talking about the things i like about myself, but that would be rather more indulgence too, dont you think? sometimes pondering upon oneself is great, but i guess it's not something easy to do. i'm not saying i disagree with it of course, i mean, i guess i'm just stating the reasons why i dont do it to myself.

sometimes i think i consciously try to be outward looking because i feel we're all self-centred people, made only to know how to satisfy ourselves and not others. in many ways though, i think it's actually a brilliant plan that God made: that we satisfy others so that we satisfy ourselves. i read the bible the other day and realised that everything God does is for our benefit. the main focus of what he says and does is the mere mortals He calls His children, and everything was done so we would come (that's from a song by the way.).

in an effort to rediscover my faith i've downloaded this bible-verse a day thing, so that a random verse will come up and i'll try and apply those words of wisdom to life in general. i know it's trivial, and i know it's a rather useless step (i could just open my bible, or throw it at a wall and see what page it lands on), but it works for me and today i see a nugget of wisdom which has hit me before, but this time with renewed conviction (is that the right word?).

John 12:25
"The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life."

so i think to myself, do i treasure my life in this world more than anything else? hard question to ask, and even harder question to have to say "yes" to. God's been sending me alot of signals about this; i dont think it's mere coincedence. but how? how do you give up a world that seems to be the only thing you know, and leap?

guess that's why you need a leap of faith. this is what it means, i think, to take control of one's own faith. today in Pirates of the Caribbean, Jack Sparrow, in an attempt to escape the East India Company, ties himself to a loose cannon and lights it. the captain Barrack or something says: "you're mad." and jack sparrow says: "if i wasn't this would probably never work."

i suppose we all need that madness sometimes. if not we'll never take that leap of faith which gets us out of trouble and into better times. time now for me to find that madness in me.

you're thinking all my thoughts are so simple, but so beautiful.

It's not reputation destroying

so i was home this afternoon talking to stef on the phone and i suddenly had a craving for a milk shake. so i says to stef: you wanna head out for one? and, in spontaneity at its best, we find ourselves heading out for a nice slushy milk shake at carl's junior, which is, a very nice place with milk shakes, if i might add. we got a little bit zany and decided to buy shrek ears for charity at mackers.


this is supposed to be scary shrek. i love this photo. stef thinks her reputation is going down the drain if i put it up but when you have no rep to begin with, i think it's all good :P (stef, i know you're gonna kill me. please dont, i love you. *makes puppy dog eyes.)


my green shirt, incidentally, was the same colour as the shrek ears. this is happy shrek, because apparently my try at scary shrek became act-cute shrek. goodness knows what that means! but it led to a rather intense session on facial expressions, resulting in me trying to look more scary. but please, friends. look at my face. what's there to be scared of? :D


this is a (slightly) older photo, taken last week on the MRT on the way to Off centre. i like, we look, normal, for the first time.

Off centre, by the way, was incredible. it was moving, beautiful, and painful to watch even, which contributed to the whole experience. the play in itself is a brilliant work of art. i read it last year and to finally see it, man, i cant explain how i felt. it didnt matter that there was alot of breaking out of character, i think that actually worked, rather than distract. i'm still trying to figure out the purpose of characters breaking out. to me it's a matter of personalizing the story, involving the audience so they feel closer to the essence of the play. i dont think i'm right, but then again, to ask Haresh Sharma why would be rather superfluous i think.


this is an entirely random photo taken with an entirely random butt in the background. please note that the face is more important in this picture. i think stef looks very nice and feminine in this picture. compared to the others. i call it the pensive look. too bad there's that ass in the back. grr. haha. :P

so my week, discounting that emo post, summed up in 4 pictures. :) i dont want to bore you with the everyday routines, and other stuff happened of course, but it'll be useless to talk about them. i wouldnt know if you're interested. :)

i'll be in california this time next week. wont be blogging here. please go to www.ltgoeswest.blogspot.com for the duration of 27th may to 14 june for updates. :)

you can stand under my umbrella.

it's not worth the drama.

sometimes it feels like an illusion; a dream or memory that eats you alive and then spits you out, drenched in the saliva that sticks to you. you try to clean yourself, but you cannot; either way it fills you up with lonely, unfathomable regret, a sense of loss so deep you dont know what to do, where to go, what to eat, how to get downstairs ... you dont even know if you'll wake tomorrow feeling better, because sleep is a refuge you retreat into, without anything or anyone else to carry you you just fade and become one with the sheets. i find myself standing here with my heart in my hands, and i dont know what to do with it. do i give it to you, or do i give it to Someone, Someone whose promises you long to be able to hang on to, but you dont know enough. you just dont.

i seek emotional catharsis, a cleansing which will delude me into thinking everything is alright, and make all of these impure things disappear. so that i may not have to rip my own heart out and let it bleed out, so that this cleansing isnt my own; someone else is responsible for it. let Someone Else be responsible, because i have no control, and thus, no need to answer.

i dont want an answer. i am comfortable in my disability. this is MY healing, MY way of doing what is right for myself, MY way of telling you that i can stand on MY own feet.

i can stand on my own feet.

i can stand on my own feet.

for a beautiful lie

i dont quite know.



to you, because i've been waiting for too long.

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

We'll do it all, everything, on our own
We don't need anything or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world

I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
to remind me
to find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
I just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world

because i've waited for far too long.

amazing grace.

i spent the day walking up and down orchard road a total number of 2 times and got really sick of it. i'm thankful i'm leaving the country and therefore will not be bored out of my wits by the little things there are left to do. tourism thriving in singapore must be a myth that boggles the mind of every singaporean. Singapore got things to do meh?

well, i'm not particularly patriotic tonight, unfortunately.

i have discovered in myself, after finishing True and False by David Mamet for a second, more productive and comprehensible time, that i want to be an actor. increasingly, i think it's not impossible to act. it's about making yourself suitable for the roles that you are often required to play. i still want to work production and backstage, i mean, that's fun, but i think an actor can have alot of fun too. and Mamet is in one word, brilliant. like, bertolt brecht brilliant. he has made acting, to me, seem like something everyone can do. and it's superfluous to judge the acting, whether it's well done or not. like how, last sem we had to do this design criticism thing that made me rather uncomfortable. because while there are principles of good design, you also have to consider the context, the purpose of the whole thing. same for acting i think. perhaps something out of the norm might be esoteric, and be renderred bad, stiff and not worth watching, but perhaps, that performance was taken out of context. i think we have to remember while theatre is a communal experience, it is also an artform, not necessarily always recieved the same way by a different audience.

i feel somehow i might have deviated from Mamet's theory. but i think at the end of the day, Mamet is right: the job of the actor is to deliver his lines, so when that is accomplished, there's nothing else left to do.

so yes. i want to act. and direct, and produce. basically i want to be in every damned aspect of theatre, and learn every damned thing about it i can til kingdom come. :)

right now, i have to go though. i'm not feeling emo so i got nothing to wax lyrical about. :) heh.

California in about a week! woo hoo! :D

i could be anything you like.

prefabricated monstrosity.


Singaporeans have a sense of humour. this was taken outside a workside in the Bras Basah area next to Odeon Towers. brilliant, i say!

anyway. i need something to do. i feel like my brain is getting fried. help.

i'm writing a play. well. trying to. we'll see how that goes.

if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad.

BOREDOM does things to people.

blogger is back up on track!

people, please take this test. i had too much time on my hands.

http://www.truefriendtest.com/friendtest/397415

have fun!

one hit wonders

It's alright, I'm ok
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away
It's alright, I'm ok
I think God can explain
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed
I'll get over it, yeah

that's the only thing i think, i can really hang on to anymore.

weakness

blogger is still screwed. damnit. cannot put pictures up.

anyway.

at some point in this week i will know for sure where all the things we're going through will lead me. until i find out, it might be weird for awhile. i cant help myself with the feelings i feel, but i can make a decision to act or not to act. i'm just glad, though, to have been able to be perfectly honest with you. enough about this. i'm supposed to be "walking away".

gonna see "off Centre" by Haresh Sharma on Friday afternoon, which is rather strange considering that friday matinees are few and far in between in the local theatre industry. i'm excited. :) i like that i'm watching alot more theatre now, and have someone to do it with. :) tonight i went to a play read at 72-13 and i am very very inspired to write my own. i wonder what my first play will be about. i have something in the works, and i think it'll definitely need alot of fine tuning, but i'm writing, and it makes me rather happy.

talking about my dreams with a friend today also got me really excited. i want to start my own theatre company. i'm sure alot of people want to too, but i guess i'll just have to be better than the rest. and when i'm done, i'll have all you potentially famous people come and work with me. and it'll be like TSD or TS all over again. :)

this post has been rather random. i think it's because i'm in a very random mood.

need to stop. right here.

i'm not lost, just undiscovered.

blogger works.

i read my brother's blog and it says:
"OMG.. i'm seriously not a good boy.. lorhs.. i'm 99.99% EMO!.. BAD!!.."

i'm amused.

like brother, like sister, eh?

he aint heavy, he's my brother.

take me with you.

there is something awfully wrong with blogger, so til it's fixed, maybe i wont be posting much. Broadway Beng is ending with 3 shows to go, and i'm going to miss the show. and the crazy FOH antics that go on.

like today, there was this crazy woman who hung around the Front Of House talking to all the celebrities who came to watch the show. she is CREEPY. and you know i'm not easily creeped out by people. but THIS WOMAN is a little OFF. it's scary. you know, we were trying to chase her away politely, and when she finally left, she went up one floor and started watching us from above, staring at us like the Phantom of the Opera. Guat Hoon and i were so freaked we had to go to the bathroom together. dang. she even left this baby stroller thingy under our Front Of House table without telling us. i mean, WHO IN THE RIGHT FRAME OF MIND DOES THAT? unless you're a terrorist, of which, of course, you're already NOT in the right frame of mind, are you?

scary people tend to congregate in the Bugis area, i've noticed that. there's this crazy woman (why are they mostly female??) who likes to come to the national library and stuff her clothing with toilet paper, and go around asking people to look at her "pregnant" body. then there's this other lady who wont change clothes for months, and just sit in the basement of the library and no one can do anything. the smell, to say the least, is rather unpleasant. i'm not being rude. i'm just kinda amazed at what kind of people are attracted to the library. at least i dont get harrased by them. i guess i've got the "i'll eat you alive" face. oh wait. no it doesnt belong to me. it's stef's. i just borrow it. periodically.

anyway, strange people aside.

i've come to the conclusion that i'm seeking some kind of reconciliation. a putting-back-together of my true self, a meeting of 2 parts becoming one. stef and i spoke briefly today about segmenting our lives. and it really makes me wonder if i do that too, on a deeper, more advanced level than i "accuse" (for lack of a better word) stef of doing. i know for sure right now i'm caught in a strange stage where i need fresh air in my spirituality, and yet, i long for the familiar, and for the security of something tried and tested. i havent said a real prayer in a while. and it kinda makes me wonder what's really going on. i'm supposed to be reborn, and renewed. but i feel like i've gone way past the expiry date, but am too lazy to return the library book.

i cant believe i just used a library metaphor. the National library is doing something to my sanity.

ok. off i go to watch more Grey's anatomy. :)

blogger please be a dear and work!!!

brecht-ing

the LPS, or Last Paper Syndrome has kicked in and it makes me simultaneously buzz with excitement and bum me out. these are complex times and complex emotions tend to take over in these highly complex times.

imagine this. at 1115 my aunty sends me an sms and i end up throwing on some clothes (i wasn't naked. just wearing ... flowers.) and trooping downstairs with my mother to see what the fuss was all about. and lo and behold, there is my uncle in an audi convertible. an AUDI CONVERTIBLE. my uncle got his license like, about 2 months before i did. and he's driving an AUDI CONVERTIBLE. (ok, not his. but STILL!) i naturally went for a ride in it. it's a great car, and i came back with my already messy hair being blown even messier (at least it was out of my face, no longer paul twohill-ish) and throughly turbo charged. in the car, though it felt damn good to be going that fast on the road, i must say it was rather anti climatic. for a small country singapore's traffic light to land area ratio must be one of the highest anywhere. i mean, we didnt go very far before we were halted at a traffic light. tragic to say the least.

anyway. i'm supposed to be reading brecht and stanislavski now but i really havent got much of a mood to do so. i'm buzzing because i'm one paper away from 3 months of hedonism. 1 freaking ass paper, 1 sheet and 1 answer booklet away from breathing in sea-salted air (let's plan a sentosa trip!), chugging alcoholic drinks into my body which is underneath my smoke-drenched clothes, and writing and writing and writing and writing. which i cannot wait to do. 1 paper people. Let the games begin.

so while i'm preparing for that one last paper, here's something to keep you entertained. :)



Gold lion's gonna tell me where the light is.