rainy days and mondays

.. don't always get me down. I'm just sleepy and sedated. The rain is incredible. my house feels like it's night and it's only 1.30pm in the afternoon. I'm not one fond of turning lights on in the afternoon, but today is an exception.

i'm not out (thank goodness) because of food poisoning/stomach flu (i don't know which one), so i think i'm saving money while i'm home eating nothing and drinking lots. I need to get out. I am at my very essence a hedonist, and so this staying home thing is completely new to me.

Ok. enough about excesses. i'm going to take a shower.

Who has to know
The way she feels inside (inside)
Those thoughts I can't deny (deny)
These sleeping dogs won't lie (won't lie)
And now I try to lie
It's eating me apart
Trace this life out

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret)"
-- Dirty Little Secret, The All-American Rejects

these sleeping dogs won't lie

I will try to fix you

occasionally the aircon unit above my head emits a horribly high note, reminding me of it's age and the fact that it should be kept turned off when it is not important to be using it. But i am wanting sleep soon and so it is still important to keep it on, at least i think.

I made a mistake today. I did something really bad and i feel like i'm not allowed to go back and make amends for it. I'm really sorry i overreacted. i was frustrated with all the drama that shrouded the trip. I should have been more supportive, and i shouldn't have yelled. I'm really sorry.

other than that. I had a good time today, although i know for a fact tequila burns my gut and i should not drink much of it. But one shot is nothing. I'll be fine in the morning. :) I think good alcohol and good company are all i need to keep me in this world, living the life which i call my own. I only wished you were there with me.

Ok. gotta go. :)

Always be my baby.

i'm ok with space.

space can be a good thing.

It just takes some time

I understand now, why people say an idle mind attracts the devil (or something along those lines). i don't think it is by complete co-incidence that i am usually at my most emotional during the mid-year holiday season. I think too much: therefore i emo more than i should.

I am not emoing. I am writing to remind myself:

I will have no more hidden agendas. I just wanna spend some time to get to know you. I won't do any talking. I'll let you speak.

So that when you blog mysteriously, i won't instantly want to think you are referring to me. it's just easier this way.

:)

anyway.

clarke quay on a fri night is NOT good for a nice, slow stroll. I dodged kids, tourists, long queues and even wheel chairs to stay alive. Under other normal circumstances i would have avoided the damned place. But tonight we had an idea. And my initial scepticism can never dampen the fun i had.

I'm starting to think i might have a thing for ferry boats. Like McDreamy, whose character name i cannot remember now, having not seen grey's anatomy for a few months and been addicted to House. I like boats, except for the ever so neurotic thought that i might drop something into the water, like my camera phone or something. but i like the fact that we did it. I'm collecting photos for a year book, so that we can look back on things before, and look forward to things to come.

i love you. :)

in the middle of the ride.

i'm being profoundly pathetic.

Argh.

you think you're loving. but you don't love ..

it's times like these that i somehow figure out the reason for the emptiness i've been feeling lately, and in the last moments before i allow myself to succumb to sleep, i shall attempt to type it here, in a hasty effort to record the moments of my life which aren't so rosy, because i am that way and the good times don't seem to last as long as the bad ones.

deeply entrenched in this feeling of emptiness is the feeling of disjoint, of being disconnected from all the things i once knew when i was younger and still rather optimistic about the world. tonight, i've made a breakthrough. i have identified the areas of disjoint in my life, which have kept me feeling naked and needy. My umbilical cords are severed, with no hope of returning to my mother's womb (i know. i'm guilty of heavy handed and irrelevant analogies. sorry.).

The first of the cords was the one connecting me to VJ TSD, which tonight has shown me that things move on without me, and i can't always get what i want, as mick jagger rightly puts it. i can't preserve the sanctity of TSD and the things which happened back when i was there. i have memories, but slowly and surely they become too distant to mention. The disjoint came from the stark feeling of unfamiliarity to a place i called home for 2 years, the very 2 which i consider my foundation years in theatre. I suppose people work differently, and things must change with time. the smiles and the familiar comforting feeling are no longer there. Entering my once "inner sanctum" is now met with cold stares and "who the fuck are you" looks of disdain. It is their inner sanctum now; i have no place in it.

I must say this though, out of complete disjunct, that Public P tonight pleased at some point, but flopped down on it's side like a cardboard box fruit stand in the last group piece i saw. This has led me to strongly believe that THEY have destroyed my inner sanctum, the place where i learnt discipline, hardwork, team work and all the other things that were truly great. THEY have destroyed the sanctity of space by allowing people to walk right across the set just as the performance is about to start, for not practicing 10 min bump ins and getting ready before the audience arrives. As Yin Ren put it so well: "There's a difference between being raw and unpolished. Raw is good, there is emotion there worth watching. This was just unpolished."

going back to the topic at hand. so that was one point of disjoint: I no longer have VJ TSD, and the people there are scattered making it difficult to reconnect with them. well, not all of them, only some.

continuing this long mindless rant, the other disjoint for me is from church. it is sad, and it sucks for me, but i no longer feel like i'm part of CMC. I have gone missing, as i like to, and i am comfortable this way. I don't really think i've been ever part of the church anyway. and perhaps this time of loss of touch has amplified the cold feeling of being alone in CMC. whatever it is, not having a comfortable environment to grow spiritually in sucks big time. I guess my fear of boys plays a part too. oh well. nevermind.

it seems appropriate right now to bring up this: don't get me wrong. i am disjointed, but i'm ok. i will always be that until something happens.

:)

Outta my mind, lately

You think you're loving, but you don't love me.



my summer break up song of 2008.

i'm leaving you for the last time baby,
you think you're loving but you don't love me.
i've been confused, out of my mind lately,
you think you're loving but i want to be free,
baby you've hurt me.