shiny happy people

i am thoroughly happy for many reasons. shall elabo on some. :)

1. am happy because i am officially a punk music fan. i think it's kinda cool, distortion all the way. :) it's a good music genre. and i shall attempt to discover it :) so all you punk pple please give me crash course! :D

2. am happy because i slept the day away. i went esplanade library to look for mask books. have decided the 2nd style of masks i am choosing is noh. so i've got commedia and noh. now i'm thinking of american indian masks :) anyway the point is i fell asleep in the esplanade on a very nice comfortable couch! :) then this librarian came to woke me up. i was msging rau and she decided to come a save me from utter boredom. i was reading through the books lah ... then i suddenly got woken up. so i decided: let's go get a cup of coffee. :) so i headed to mrs fields. and. i ordered my coffee, coz i missed new york coffee with cream and sugar. and i sat at this very comfortable couch. and i fell asleep again. :P wonderful hehe. :)

3. am happy because i think i made at least 2 pple happier today :) yay dawn and crystal! though i was abt 30 mins late coming to your place, it was worth it aye? :) happy belated birthday!

4. am happy because ... this reason i cannot disclose. :P

many other reasons why i suppose. :)

ANYWAY. there was this guy at the gig and he kept walking in and out. he was wearing a suit jacket. and rau and i were wondering ... what's with the suit jacket??! i decided to call him suit boy. hehe. :P anyway. most of the bands weren't that good. i think conan's band is pretty good. and also this local band i cant remember their name. essentially, the rest were just making alot of noise. well. moshing wasnt really happening coz pple didnt quite mosh. anyway, i am officially into punk now. hehe :P

ooh. and pple, please come on the 8th of jan! :) i am not performing for TSD public P, but i am doing lights and sounds and shit. so. come come come!!! :D:D:D

ANYWAY, i am super duper tired. i think i shall stop here.

oh. wait.

this is the last post of the year. it's already the 31st now. wondeful. i dont want to grow up.

well, my new year's resolution is: to be a better person. :)

better in terms of treating others, treating myself, and basically just doing things better. :)

yay for me.

anyway. i am gonna go.

good night.

you said you were gone.

a public announcement of new sorts.

no there are no more parties at least til the end of this year. this is a 'attention-seeking' announcement. i guess at this point in time i really need some of it. dont ask me why, just read on.

i went to the doctor's today. the announcement is this: i am going for another operation. my right knee is pretty badly damaged. time for corrective surgery. i don't know when i'm going in for the op, but i am guessing at the earliest it's june, and the latest, december 2005. i cant imagine going into 2006 with a plaster cast. but well.

now. the reason why i am feeling so grave about this is: 1) i have a fear of hospitals, which was caused by losing a close friend and literally watching her die and finding myself suddenly alone in the office, and having to face things i didnt want to. not that i might die during the op, just that i dont like hospitals. the next thing is: 2) my GREATEST, absolutely GREATEST fear is immobility and disability. i cannot fathom the idea that i cant do even basic things by myself. that simple things like going to the toilet and moving from point A to point B become so complicated and cannot be accomplished alone. i mean, i dont have much, but i have my legs and the ability to do stuff myself. i have some pride. i cannot imagine that being stripped away from me. where will i find self respect to carry on?

the good news is, all these fears will be shortlived. but i know it's still going to haunt me. so please, pray for me. i really need strength to carry everything through this coming year.

anyway, i was at the doctor's today and i was reading about the tsunamis in the straits times. firstly, i was really overwhelmed by what i was reading in the papers; the no.s of casualties, the destruction, the death ... i was moved to tears as i watched all these kids next to me with injuries or disabilities of all sorts ... (in case you dont know, for some reason, i'm still a child at the hospital i go to) so i was essentially wailing in the middle of a VERY crowded waiting area. and i reflected on the situation and i came up with this conclusion: that singaporeans around the island shld give thanx to the Lord that sumatra is in front of us from the epicenter. if not, VJ will be the first one to go.

the death toll is rising. i must do something about it.

shall find an opportunity to help the relief effort. meanwhile, i'm very tired. good night.

it's easy when you've got each other.

boxing day and it's wonderful.

you know how people always seem to manage to sound jovial and happy on msn right ... it's quite interesting. and with the advent of msn v.7 and all the nudge nudge thingys ... it seems human emotion is coming to internet communication ... :) cool :)

anyway, boxing day is a good time to have service. :) because, the christmas feeling is still there ... and the whole feel of love and joy still lingers. i had fun at service today. because i worshipped like i never worshipped in my life before. and it's been such a long time since i've had such a worship experience. and after service i found time to stop and just pray. and i prayed for everyone ... all those i love, those who love me, and those who i want to love. i was almost moved to tears. i think today was a preparation to something i wld have never expected, something which will be quite a load to carry. i am willing to bear it ... but it's going to be tough. all i can do i will do. you know who you are. dont get hurt.

ok. so it was a good day to be in church today. then i went to cho's church. :) it was cool, the whole carnival and all. :) i enjoyed myself pretty much ... though i wasnt really doing much. the accapella group was good. hot dog wasnt too bad ... soya bean a little bland. all in all it was a pretty fun thing. :) and i got to see dawn. :) and for that it made it more fun. :) yay. movie with her and cho tomoro. :) woo hoo! :)

anyway. i left carnival early and headed out for a late lunch with jene. then we met WJ and headed to christine's place. :) yeah. it was a cool BBQ ... though now my stomach seems to be acting up :P hehe.

but the real cool part of my day was visiting crystal. :) i set out on a wonderful wonderful adventure today, and walked all the way from christine's house to crystal's house. on the map it didnt look very far ... well, the walk was a good 20 mins. :) and i felt really worked out and fit after. :P hehe. it was cool. i love to walk ... though it is damn hot and i was super sweaty. :P hehe.

one of my fave things to do is make someone i care for alot happy. i hope i did that today with my mysterious ways :P haha. i like springing surprises on people. it's quite fun ... :)

ok. i am super tired and ready to drop dead now. haha ... am going. :)

good night.

keep smiling. keep shining.

Christmas in the city.

tomoro it is christmas day, the day the greatest gift was given. the day all men could find salvation. what the hell am i doing in my room on christmas eve?

i really dont feel like blogging.

maybe it's this emptiness in my heart right now. maybe it's this sense of loss, this hopelessness i've been feeling for some time. christmas shouldnt be like this!

well.

on the brighter side, i went out FINALLY with my girl Vane today. and bumped into so MANY people. like i was having some pre christmas reunion or something. i felt damn bad also .. .coz i made vane walk around with me ... then we both didnt quite enjoy the movie. i just sometimes wished you know, going out with me wldnt have been such a drag. ocean's 12 wasnt as good as ocean's 11. i dunno lah. feeling quite off today ...

and why in the world does the whole world, (well ok, not whole world, but alot of people in this world) think we are together?????? *puzzled*

i'll let you think what you wanna.

feeling off so will switch off.

i'm dreaming of a white christmas.

baby sometimes love just aint enough.

to do nothing is the best thing to do. it's profound but for some reason it makes sense. :)

anyway. today was a rather good day. to say i've got my best friend back is a great great great feeling. i mean, nothing is like before. but things change. and i accept it. :) i may always be second, but you'll always be a priority. it's been 7 years of ups and downs. i hope we'll have more. :)

i spent today with rau, which was fun coz i went shopping with her and we talked alot. haha :) yay rau! we had our 'date'! :) woo hoo! i hope you get your atticus shirt. :) and i tell you i think that guy at the shop must like you because he so nicely reserved the shirt for you. :P hehe

and dawn is back. all hail complete days! :D

so. today was a GOOD day. a day to remember. by my new piercing! haha :P and i bought a new earing. but guess what. i accidentally sat on it and it broke. yup. silly me. :P hehe ... shall have to get a new one. hehe. :P

ok i am too damn tired to go into anything too profound. :P

currently my favourite song is a chinese one. *congratulate me! :P* it's 'yu jian' by sun yan zi. :P hehe. i never thought i'll ever like a song from her. haha :P

anyway good luck to mizu for her performance tomoro. i'm sorry i cant be there ... it's just that i dont have a choice. you should have told me earlier. but anyway. GOOD LUCK! and you will be good. believe in yourself. :) *hug*

and. next to your significant other ... i love you the most. :)

ok i am done. hehe :P

promises forever young.

maybe it's time to heal.

well. essentially i've begun stopping myself from talking to *you*. it is time to stop, to move on. TO HEAL. all those self inflicted wounds that cut deep. but then again i find myself going down familiar territory. with someone else. mebbe one day i'll know when to stop loving the unobtainable. there's so much love around already. or is there?

this isnt a depressed liting writing here. this is just a thoughtful one. i guess it started when i returned and everyone else was essentially somewhere else. ok not everyone, but well. anyways. the whole weekend was great, and then came sunday. at the end of it all i was left alone with someone ... and all i could think abt was: 'it's been one whole year.' at the end of it all i found that i was left with nothing. i couldnt even talk to him like we used to. i could just leave all of them alone. then at least i wouldnt have to hurt anymore.

yes i still do. but it's not as if it's numbing or what. i mean, when it comes, when i think abt it and look at myself, sometimes it's like i cant believe i left without a fight. yes, i did it out of respect for the both of them. yes i did it because i loved them both. but i cannot deny everytime i see them together it's like it's being rubbed into my face.

and so i distracted myself. with *you*. and it worked. but i guess *you* werent merely a distraction, *you* were something truly surreal. and so. as much as i love you, i must come back to the harsh reality of it all. it isnt going to happen. dont blame me for not counting my blessings or holding on to false hopes. when you're me the line between fantasy and reality is often unclear.

but now i know. and it's time to do something to heal. :)

see. it's not really a sad blogpost. it's a good one. congratulate me. because essentially, i'm moving on. and you cant tell me i'm not ready for romantic love. there never is a ready state. it happens, when it happens. and when it does, you'll definately be ready for it. meanwhile, you just wait. :)

anyway, i guess it's the time of year, when a new year is coming, it's christmas and you just have to do something abt the spiral. when you're at that stage, you get epiphanies when you need them the most. and you start to put them into action.

btw, dawn where are you??? my days are super incomplete!!!

and crystal, when will i see you again??? *misses you terribly*

as for you rau, haha yeah! i FINALLY saw you again! thanks for christmas card. yours is somewhere. on the way. :P

and you vane, when are we actually going to go out? :P

mel and audz, remember the pink polos!!!! :D

and lastly for now, stinky, i cant wait to see you christmas. miss you my best friend! :)

ok. anyways. there's a song i heard the other day that really made me want to cry. i am officially in love with jennifer lopez. :P here are the lyrics!

this is my fave J.Lo song.

It seemed to be like the perfect thing for you and me
It's so ironic you're what I had pictured you to be
But there are facts in our lives we can never change
Just tell me that you understand and feel the same

This perfect romance that I've created in my mind
I'd live a thousand lives each one with you right by my side
But yet we find ourselves in a less than perfect circumstance
And so it seems like we'll never have the chance

Ain't it funny how some feelings you just can't deny
And you can't move on even though you try
Ain't it strange when you're feeling things you shouldn't feel
Oh I wish this could be real
Ain't it funny how a moment could just change your life
And you don't want to face what's wrong or right
Ain't it strange how fate can play a part
In the story of your heart

Sometimes I think that a true love can never be
I just believe that somehow it wasn't meant to me
Life can be cruel in a way that I can't explain
And I don't think that I could face it all again

I barely know you but somehow I know what you're about
A deeper love I've found in you, and I no longer doubt
You've touched my heart and it altered every plan I've made
And now I feel that I don't have to be afraid

Repeat Chorus

I locked away my heart
But you just set it free
Emotions I felt held me back from what my life should be
I pushed you far away
And yet you stayed with me
I guess this means
That you and me were meant to be

Repeat Chorus

haha. this was sparked off by a J.Lo DVD that my father borrowed. it's was really nice. :)

anyway. i am going off now.

i'd live a thousand lives each one with you right by my side

reflections this festive season.

i have decided if you want to know more abt new york, please ask me for my journal. or invite me out for coffee then i'll tell you. or buy me lunch. :P hehe :)

anyway. the past few days i've been coming home dead beat and still a little jet lagged. ha. :P that's why i havent been online or blogging. :P well. but here i am, not dead tired yet. hooray for me. :P i must now blog abt these past 2 days.

on friday i went to the concourse to get christmas decorations. i missed new york so much that looking at the christmas trees made me think of all the freshly chopped trees that were on sale by the road side in manhattan. anyway. the christmas deco was for this home i was gonna go to with my youth group for a small christmas celebration thingy we planned for them. there was a skit and dinner and stuff, so it was really cool.

so i went to the home after concourse, (and i really nice, longed for chicken rice lunch :) ) and we put up the decor and stuff. what struck me was the people i met there. everyone seemed so normal and just like the person you see on the street. well except for one of them. anyway. they were really nice people, highly greatful that we were there and they seemed happy. anyway. they already sort of decorated the place. we just added on to it. :) i found myself lock-jawed blowing balloons and almost dying of an asthma attack. blowing balloons can be fatal. trained professionals only. :P

well. the one person who i thought seemed a little abnormal was the guy called mark. well. we were walking into the home and this person came walking towards us. my youth leader pao yin was about to stick out her hand and say 'hi miss!' when the person introduced himself as mark. he said he was a model trainer and like he's involved in stuff like bridal gowns, make up, yadayadayada. :) anyway. it's then that i noticed, omgosh, he's wearing eyeliner. and that he had hips! i was like, what the hell? for a moment i really thought i saw boobs! it was kinda awkward lah. very weird as well. i mean. ok nevermind. i must look at myself before i speak abt others.

mark turned out to be a pretty nice guy ... just a little on the gay side ...

anyway. i was watching the kids running around while i worked on the balloons. for a moment i felt some pity for them. the home was a shelter for single mothers, orphaned children and families in distress. for a moment i realised i am so superly blessed. i've just come back from new york. these people may never even get a chance in their lives to leave the country! i am utterly blessed. and i had a home to come back to. while i was there i counted every blessing ever given to me. and for that moment i felt no need for anything. but then i realised these people had everything they needed too. they had friends, they had a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs and food to eat. they seemed happy. or at least i thought they were. i mean, it's a simple life, but the basic necessities were all there for them. i felt happy for them. sure they could do with alot more. but it seemed to me they had all that they needed. and i felt that there was SOME love left in the world. the there are people out there helping these poor souls out, that people still cared. i realised that people arent so cold to strangers they dont know. and i found it in my heart to want to help them. i actually did consider a full time volunteering job. it might be just one of my i'm on abt it now schemes, but i suppose it might happen. see how lah :)

so. let's jump to the actual event shall we? :)

God was moving at that home that night. i think i have enough faith to say that. :) we were all there and we started the evening with some games for the kids. it was also for the adults i guess, but mostly the kids played. i watched the kids run around, smiling, laughing, having fun. :) and i cldnt help but feel warm and fuzzy inside. i thought to myself: it's so enriching to be doing something this christmas which is not for myself. it felt so good to be able to bring some joy and laughter into the otherwise pretty drab place. :) i guess it was just me. happiness from others' happiness. :) for the longest time that's been my motto. yesterday i felt it for real. :)

overall, i guess this christmas is going to be a good one. :) even though there's no christmas eve service. ah wells. it's still been a white christmas this year for me. :) it snowed in boston. :)

anyway. i must get going. :) good night. sleep tight.

hark now hear the angels sing! :)

dreams of new york.

ok people. i am back. yes. the trip is over, the shopping done, the food eaten, the plane flown and here i am in my room in pasir ris blogging. except. i am missing manhattan alot. it's night there now. usually at this time i'd be journaling in my journal. or i'd be in the bath, soaking in my own filth feeling very comfortable. in any case, for the past 2 weeks i've had an experience i will never forget.

but so now i'm back. i have to live for the now and leave the rest to become memories. i think i've got abt 2 weeks before i become a year 2, before i officially begin prep for A levels, before i get down to work. no more decadence. it's time to get down to work. i have homework but i dont know what it is. :) for that i'm actually quite proud of myself. :)

anyway. if this blog becomes neglected, i suppose it's because i've started my own penned journal. :) yay for me but no yay for you. i guess it's kinda like i dont want that to be neglected. ah wells. will see what happens.

anyway. i will blog abt my trip when i'm more energetic and awake. yup :)

for now. this is just an announcement to say:

I AM BACK! :)

now i must get over jet lag. :P

dont fall away, leave me to myself.

Cheesecakes, broadway, ben and jerry's. :)

everyone who loves chocolate and ice cream should try ben and jerry's NEW YORK SUPER FUDGE CHUNK or something like that. :P it is very VERY very GOOD! :) i am a happy blissful person now. :)

anyway. GREETINGS FROM NYC!!!!!! :):):) the weather in case you're wondering is shit cold. but also very very nice. no sweat. literally and figuratively. :) anyway i've been going to museum after museum and visiting alot of places on foot. am very tired and also very happy. :P broadway show tomoro. :) yay! :)

anyway.

i am journaling everyday. which is amazing. so if you interested you can ask me for it and you can read it. new york is a wonderful place, if you EVER get the chance to come please do. :)

anyway. shout outs! :)

stinky: miss you babes. :) i love you hun. will be sending post cards soon. :) *hug* cant wait til christmas when i see you again.
PJ: hey. :) miss ya loads. hope to see you soon. :)
shi fu: i miss you too! :( *hugs* let's go for date when i come back aye? :) haha. love you!
Rau: oui! you will love this place man! SHOES, SHOES and MORE SHOES!!!! :D:D:D:D am looking out for anything you like. :) no cult t-shirts yet but. they will appear. anyway this is nigga land man! all the hip hop i can ever get! :) love you girl. miss you alot too. *hugs*
corrie: hey you! :) miss you too! *hugs*

i dunno if there's anyone else but yeah. haha :P i miss you all alot too and love you all to bits. look out for post cards in the mail! :)

k i gotta go. there's people outside. :)

good night! or should i say good morning. :) haha. *hugs the world*

it's not easy to tell you goodbye.