don't really feel like talking.

i think i'm going on a blog-hiatus for awhile. i dunno if i'll feel better if i blog about it, but i dont wanna dig up things that would make things worse so i wont say anything.

as usual, i guess i dunno why, but i'm just going to accept the fact that there's nothing i can do about it and leave it alone. even though honestly deep inside i'm uncomfortable with it.

no more laments. let's just wait til i break.

this weight on my shoulders gets heavy and harder to hold.

memoirs of a restless groupie

what i miss the most are the late nights, the pizza and the stay overs, lying on the parade square at night singing at the top of our lungs, hiding under the grand piano, snapple bottles and pee, yo yo yo, peeping into the blackbox to secretly watch E.C slots, scrapping pieces, running around mad screaming incoherent things at random people, living as if there was nothing else but TSD. let's face it: nothing matters more than TSD in VJ. :) i'm sure most of you can agree with me. I think most of us would just shrivel up and die if we didnt have TSD. i know i would. but i think there's so much more to talk about isnt there?

like:the sperm rohana swimming across the studio floor and meeting the egg, whom i have no idea who it is but it's shit funny watching the video.

prima dawn-a's 4 scrapped pieces. i must say that each idea WAS brilliant, and for that we have Yin Ren and Dawn to thank. but if any one wants to buy our ideas, please contact us. :) reservior dogs - macbeth - death's life - santa monica. :) am very very proud of group :)

the lamp breaking. 'nuff said.

white picket fences. :P haha. from harmless, white fences to killer litter. :P haha

boasters. :)

so much more ... but at this moment i cant think of all of them.

yes. i miss groups terribly. though probably in a different way. :)

well. there's the actual As. let's see what happens.

til then. I/S es. here we come. SIGH.

i want to thank you, for giving me the best years of my life.

Nightwatch

I sat all night and waited,
like a star gazer;
Waiting, waiting, waiting,
until each flicker of light shows itself against the blanket of black,
a world riddled with fantasy – it is this sky;
A wonderous moment, awaiting the entrance
of her lover,

as she stands up like a star,
nothing about her is different.
Wanting, wanting, wanting,
until he shows himself up like a stallion stately in the wind,
the backdrop a glorious orange – it is this sky;
A picturesque view, awaiting another
beautiful dreamer,

I wonder why you are here,
there is nothing to discover.
Searching, searching, searching,
until the diamond glimmers like the sun shining off the clear waves,
the white clouds float by like candy – it is this sky;
Breath-taking is this moment, I want to
remember,

all of the things that are written,
in the stone it never fades away.
Lasting, enduring, continuing,
until no legacy or hero is remembered though it is etched in the slab,
a monument set in the pink and purple – it is this sky;
It is awe-inspiring, the instant that
remains.

plagiarising. :P

1 minute ago: blog reading, thinking, loving, feeling and drinking.

1 hour ago: getting home, walking, thinking, listening to music, sms-ing dawn.

1 day ago: typing letters, worrying excessively about valentine's day. :P

1 year ago: awaiting O-level results, praying constantly for a sign, living carefree instantaneously.

Words to describe the situation of now: slightly under the weather. emotionally.

Things I want: people, people, money, heaven on earth, CDs and DVDs

Songs listened to: song of day- true colours by phil collins. coz i serenaded crystal today. :)

Things accomplished: more or less successful valentine's day, in life: too early ... wait abour 32 years then come and ask me again. :P

Windows open: this, someone's blog, MSN (appearing offline)

Things around the computer: books, notes, CDs, hi fi, printer, coke, soft toy hippo, sock, teddy bear, mini skateboards, water bottles etc ...

Thoughts of now: am loved. blessed and happy. just one thing missing.

E-mails: none today, which is weird. haha.

Lyric: it seems to me some fine things, have been laid upon your table, but you only want the ones that you can't get/when this world makes you crazy, and you've taken all you can, just call me up, because you know i'll be there ... (have much more. :P)

Random: i wanna grow old with you.

Spell your name backwards: gnitil nat hakeber

Where do you live?: within the four walls of my room and the limitations of my brain.

Describe yourself in three words: blessed, loving, caring. *hopes you will agree*

Who is your worst enemy? loneliness, thou art a cruel thing.

If you could have ANY animal for a pet, what would it be?: brandon ho. :P i cant help it, 'yo yo yo' is darn cute! :P

Do you know what a spork is?: i used to eat with a spork! wonderful contraption! :P

What is the latest you've ever stayed up?: this question cannot be answered logically.

Ever been to Belgium?: 'fraid not.

Toothbrush: electric, worn but very clean. :P

Jewellery worn daily: cross on chain. 'L' earring on right ear.

Underwear: stripes! :P

Shoes: let me look at my total ABOUT 10 pairs. have to say it's the vans sneakers. :) yellow is a nice colour. :P

Nail polish: none whatsoever. not a nail polish person. :P

Handbag: have one, but never use.

Favorite top: i love all of my clothes, but i suppose fave would have to be my pink polo.

Favorite pants: my very old, very worn, holey, comfortable jeans. :)

Perfume: adidas eau de toilette. does that count?

CD in stereo right now: Hell Freezes Over - Eagles.

Tattoos: i want one of my chinese name on my ankle. :)

Piercings: 3

Current music: nothing's playing at the mo.

Wearing: PJs, and ... well. :P

Hair: nice and short. just the way i like it. :)

Makeup: does not wear unless absolutely necessary. :P

In my mouth:bloody painful ulcer on tongue.

In my head: nothing really. just a mass of matter. :P

Hearing: bad. haha :P

Wishing: you would love me a much as i love you.

After this: The applicant? i dunno. dont wanna do work this week though. sigh. sleep maybe. :P

haha now that that is done.

v day is always a Vicious day to singles. but well, GET OVER IT. group is on fri and i think we are more or less prepared. the props are causing me alot of stress though. rashez thinks we're too nice to our juniors and we should just tell them off if they deserve it. :P i tell you if anyone ever incurrs my wrath, then you have done a MAJORLY BAD thing to me. i am usually a docile animal. don't turn me wild. :P

i am disappointed, but wat can i do? it's over ...

well, that's it from me i suppose. :)

i wanna die lying in your arms.

Eternity

Close your eyes so you dont feel them,
they dont need to see you cry.
i can't promise i will heal you,
but if you want to, i will try.

Sing this sombre serenade,
the past is done we've been betrayed,
it's true.
someone said the truth will out,
but i believe without a doubt,
in you.

you were there for summer dreaming,
and you gave me what i need,
and i hope you find your freedom,
for eternity.
for eternity.

yesterday when you were walking,
you talked about your mum and dad,
what they did that made you happy,
what they did that made you sad.

we sat and watched the sun go down,
picked a star before we lost the moon.
youth is wasted on the young,
before you know it's come and gone
too soon.

you were there for summer dreaming,
and you gave me what i need
and i hope you find your freedom
for eternity
for eternity.

for eternity ...

sing this sombre serenade,
the past is done, we've been betrayed
it's true.
youth is wasted on the young,
before you know it's come and gone,
too soon ...

you were there for summer dreaming
and you are a friend indeed.
and i hope you find your freedom,
for eternity,
you were there for for summer dreaming
and you are a friend indeed,
and i know you'll find your freedom eventually,
for eternity.

mizu: i may not have anything else to say, but you mean a hell lot to me and i hate to see you this way. there is a way out of everything. i may not understand, i may not be able to help, but that doesnt mean i dont wanna try. i love you as much as tez, i dare say even more. and i want to help. stop cutting yourself please. just stop. i hate to see you this way. really. it's not worth it. please let me help. if there's anyone who can, let our 6 years together be a factor. dont be a cynic. let me try at least. you know i wont say things i dont mean.

i know you'll find your freedom, eventually.

your bestest best friend.

no mountain's too high.

i'm the kind of person who would rather be alone with one person who matters more, than be in a room full of people who mean little to me. i dont wanna rant. but i think i made some sort of mistake visiting today.

well, the nature of CNY is like this. for the initial 5 mins you are going around shaking hands, greeting the usual 'happy new year' and wearing your ultra plastic smiles. then after that you rot in front of the TV while people talk around you. or you sort of try to melt into the chair, and let everyone's conversations drown out into perfect, silent whispers, until someone tries to talk to you. then you are jolted out into the real world faced with some irritating relative whom you meet only once a year and they're asking you totally random stuff and you really only can smile and answer. well. what a world this is now that CNY has descended into this state.

but when i'm in the car with just the four of us, it's BLISS. one of the reasons why i love my family so much is that they are my refuge when i dont want to be among strangers. my mum, my dad, my bro are the only reasons why i really look forward to cny. coz we spend quality time in the car, singing cny songs and going way off key, and laughing it off coz it's just fun to be among each other. oh God, i am so blessed. :)

anyway, with cny holiday gone, and like, another 13 days of festivities to go, i think i might burn out. haha. am going to leave it all behind me now.

:P

anyway. i miss alot of people terribly ... this really sucks.

dont wanna name lah. but you all know who you are.

oh and people, thanx for tagging. keep goin'! :P

i dunno what else to say.

oh hell, good night.

dont let there be a whole in the world tomoro.

staring out the window, watching this world pass me by.

even when for some crazy reason, the thought that you dont care makes me feel so lost and lonely, i suppose somehow somewhere i know you still care. i have no reason to doubt that you do care, just that you have different ways of showing it. when you share my burdens i know you listen intently, though you never say much i know you care because you listened. i know you care. because i believe that all that we've shared means alot to both of us. well. it's almost been a year since we first met. like, since i found out you came to A52 in march last year, i think my life has changed so much i cant even remember what set the 2 of us going. you were always the one i enjoyed seeing the smile on your face, whenever we were out together alone or with others, or when i did something for you. and even when you laughed it always made me smile coz you've just got this way of making me feel so happy when i see your face wrinkled with laughter. :) i write as if we;ve known each other for a long time ... but well, i guess i feel like i know we'll keep in touch long after we leave VJ, even if by some weird screwed up reasons we're halfway around the world from each other, i believe we'll still meet up to catch up and all. and i can see myself as a wedding guest when you finally find someone ... and when i find someone i can see you at my wedding too. :) well. i guess we really do have a long way to go together huh? guess i can only write this to you, Nene, cause i sometimes just miss you so much, though i see you everyday. dont ask me why i am writing this; i guess i just needed to let it out. like coz. i guess i never make it clear to you what you mean to me.

'somedays i sit, staring out the window
watching this world pass me by.
sometimes i think, there's nothing to live for,
i almost break down ans cry ...

sometimes i think i'm crazy,
i'm crazy, oh so crazy,
why am i here, am i just wasting my time?
but then i see my baby, suddenly i'm not crazy,
it all makes sense when i look into her eyes ...'

no i am not in love with you. but i suppose that's how i feel sometimes.

sometimes it feels like the world's on my shoulders
everyone's leaning on me.

when i get too vulgar for my own good i know you'll keep me in check.

how do i say it?

highlight it: i miss you.

haha. well. i gotta go.

nights.

i grow colder the older i grow.

heart dont fail me now.

am currently going through a big band phase ... as you can see from my previous post. i'm going around (when i'm not too tired) belting out my own renditions of 'fly me to the moon' and 'the way you look tonight'. it's my way of relieving stress and relaxing the zonking brain. :) well zonking's not a word but who the hell cares? i DONT! :P

anyway. i came on intending to post a long blog post. but well ... it seems i've lost all inspiration to blog. mebbe i should just bitch but i dont want to. i mean ... i really dont think it's in me to bitch. but when i'm pushed by some provocation, then i launch massive retaliation. anyway i just need to say i'm not that happy with some people in my group crew. there. it stops RIGHT THERE. =X

the fact is i am just afraid of being nasty. it's not an issue of popularity. i just dont want to be anal about small things that could lead to big things ... i dunno ... it's all a mighty big blur. but i am still adjusting to life as a year 2, life as someone with A levels hanging over head. hmm ... haha. at the moment i dont really want to care but what can i do? i have to. but i'll enjoy the first half of the year for now. there aint nothing stopping me from doin' that. :P

anyway. i am currently not thinking very straight so i dont have thoughts to post ... but well ... mebbe one point to make. :P

we were discussing being self indulgent and it kinda turned into a slightly heated debate. alot of people who have blogs and post often usually post self indulgent posts about themselves, full of pity, love and hate etc ... and corrie kinda started talking about how she doesnt like being self indulgent. and how it's detestable behavior. i kinda just went: i think it's alright to be self indulgent. i mean, i'm not a good example. i know i'm super self indulgent sometimes and i like to whine and moan about things ... sometimes ... BUT ... i think there's nothing wrong with that. in fact, i think if it's not prolonged and just a once off thing, it's ok to self indulge. i mean, wont you become some psycho nut if you go to either extremes? like, if you were self indulgent to the extreme you get caught in a vicious cycle. but if you werent self indulgent when you need to be, wont it make you psycho coz you're surpressing everything??

i'm not making much sense but that's the gist of it. :P i mean well ... if we weren't self indulgent, wldnt we not have chocolate, mashed potatoes or all the other things that we take for comfort?

anyway ... my surprise is ready ... :P hehe *evil grin*

i think i shld stop posting now. i dunno what else to say. :P

fly me to the moon.

i'll be missing you.

in the hustle and bustle of group, and dawn's disappearance from msn, and all the people i used to talk to online all gone, and the business of rushing one essay after another, and all the stuff that's going on causing my sleep and eating pattern to change drastically, it's inevitable i would miss all the people i used to hang out with and talk to. i mean, especially crystal actually. coz well, i havent spoken to my shi fu in ages. We're just so caught up and busy nowadays, i dunno if we'll ever have time for each other. well, not that i'm worried coz i believe nothing will change, but well. when you miss someone you dont really know what to do but just think of them. haha. well. i guess that's just life. haha. :P

which brings me to my new fave song of the mo':

That's Life

That's Life (that's life)
That's what all the people say
You're riding high in april,
Shot down in May.
But I know I'm gonna change that tune
When i'm back on top, back on top in june

I said that's life! (that's life)
and as funny as it may seem,
Some people get their kicks, stomping on a dream.
But i dont let it, let it get me down,
Coz this fine old world, it keeps spinning around.

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet,
A pawn and a king,
I've been up and down and over and out,
And i know one thing:
Each time i find myself flat on my face,
I pick myself out and get back in the race ...

That's life! (that's life)
I tell you, I can't deny it
I thought of quittin' baby, but my heart just ain't gonna buy it.
and if i didnt think it was worth one single try
I jump right on a big bird, and then i fly.

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet,
A pawn and a King,
I've been up and down and over and out,
And i know one thing:
Each time i find myself flat on my face,
I just pick myself up and get back in the race ...

That's life! (that's life)
That's life and i can't deny it!
Many times i thought of copping out, but my heart just won't buy it!
But if there's nothing shaking, come this here july,
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die ...

My, my!

haha. i love the last line! amuses me alot! this is my favourite big band song at the moment. you dont get music like that anymore!

ok finally finished my greeks! Liberation!

not.

now on to the other shits. grr. haha :P

well. that's life! haha

I'm gonna go. :) night night!

i'm gonna pick myself up and get back in the race!