birthday wishes and happy halloween

let's begin right at the start, where it all begin, right before the day unfolded itself and ended about half an hour ago.

sat was a drag, though i tried very hard to make full use of it. it was difficult though, because my mood was just horrible. in general i get like that before my birthdays, because i dont know how to feel about it. it's supposed to be special but it feels like an average ordinary day. but i left the house with some kinda costume in tow, unsure of whether we were celebrating my birthday or just going to a halloween party.

japanese seemed to be the theme this year, coz that was most of what i ate. the jap restaurant at siglap, i think, is going to become my next favourite place. apart from the manhattan fish market of course, which i'll get back to later. anyway, jeane and i went for dinner there and i had alot of fun. jeane asked me why i was so quiet in general when i hung out with her, something which i realised and wasnt sure if i should be worried about. but it was never uncomfortable i guess, cept for that one time we went to see the doc, and i was being an emo ass. so we prayed and thanked God for comfortable silences. i'm glad i dont have to always talk to her to keep myself entertained. she thought i thought she was boring, but that's NOT TRUE. she's far from boring, which i think you can discern from everything i've written so far. i dont really know you know, everything's just so different with jeane. ah well.

anyway, we had dinner and then went to zouk coz it was halloween and there was a party going on. plus the dollies were gonna be there so i decided i'd go and make myself available to help. it aint easy, to be in a place where you're not naturally comfortable. and i guess it didnt help that jeane's boyfriend was there too, and i didnt really talk much and the line was super long. i saw the dollies, and in the spur of the moment, followed the entourage in and got into zouk for free. :) for some reason though, all i could think about was drinking. waited for jeane and co to get in, so that we could get the party started. zouk is always packed during halloween, so i got kinda squashed and it wasnt too comfortable. anyway, we got our jug of vodka lime soda (which is interesting and i like it, though i'm hoping to find out what JD and coke tastes like.) and we were just drinking, but the music was crapping out us 2 ghetto chicks so we went to phuture, which was worse. thank goodness there was something called "members only" and it so happens jeane's bf and friend were members, so we went right into the not so crowded section.

i met this cross dressing guy who was in a chun-li costume, and the moment he saw me, he went: "brokeback mountain! ooh, i like!! let's take picture, let's take picture!" and thus, i took a pictured with the very nicely dressed chun li. :) i was quite lost and overwhelmed, but haha, it was fun. then we saw a green fur wearing pimp, a guy in a towel and shower cap, B1 and B2 from bananas in pyjamas, PAP leaders, Dominatrixes, a member of the English guard (think fergie's london bridge. you know, the red jackets and black furry hats? yup.), many vampires, LEGO man, super mario, Bob the Builder, batman, spiderman, slash (or someboday) from the band KISS, a girl walking around in a shower curtain and a whole swat team. there was alot more, but these were the ones i remembered.

and here i was, not sure if i was micheal jackson, brokeback mountain or a catholic school dropout. either way, i felt kinda boring next to everyone else. but i had fun just looking at all the stuff people were wearing, and i came to the conclusion i suppose people DO HAVE A LIFE in Singapore. but i was drinking kinda quick too, and i got a little tipsy i guess. didnt help that that i felt like drinking was the only way to distract me from the fact that i felt kinda alone and lost in the large crowd that was zouk. i dont know. i was simultaneously enjoying myself and feeling kinda out of it. so i dont know what to say. i had fun, and yeah, it was a hell of a good time, but it was bittersweet. cant ask for more though, coz i wasnt sure what else to ask for.

anyway, was kinda wasted, so i skipped church this morning. i'm really sleepy actually, but i want to write all of this down, so i dont forget it. anyway, we went to manhattan fish market right, and it felt a little like people were just there coz they felt bad about not coming for lunch with me because it was my birthday, but i guess people had fun, so it's all good. i reflected that one of the reasons why i LOVE manhattan fish market is coz i seem to have been there with all the important people in my life. even my parents and bro have been there with me. and so i've got really sweet memories about that place that have all happenend in the span of this one year. that place, i hope, never changes. i've got too many good memories of that place.

guess theme of this year really was bittersweet. it was simple, sincere at most points, at times disappointing (it rained when i got up and i was kinda irritated and moody), at times lonely, at times feeling blessed. i dont really know what to say about this birthday. i feel blessed and the opposite of blessed at the same time. i'm just really confused lah.

but all in all, having said all that, the birthday was good. i mean, i wont ask for more, because i dont really know how much more i want. ah well. in life, as they say, we all move along.

wished i wasnt so emotional and paranoid so that i could have enjoyed it more.

liting, signing off.

strumming my pain with his fingers.

do you do you like dreaming of things so impossible?

so i think it's time for an update. it's been almost a week, and it's been crazy. it's just gonna get even crazier. for someone who gets restless easy, i've got ALOT to look forward to. i just hope i wont die on myself. REALLY.

anyway. saw 2 stoppard plays today and decided that i am neutral about stoppard. and it also occurred to me how difficult it is to mount stoppard. but i was thoroughly bored through the first play, which was AFTER MAGRITTE and it's supposed to be funny!! but the funny parts were kinda wasted coz the accent was kinda thick, and the jokes were kinda sent down the drain. but then again, like the play's underlying theme, it's all about perception. i liked it i guess, in general. but it definitely could be better.

THE REAL INSPECTOR HOUND, however, was BETTER. i suppose the general monotony of the first play set the expectations kinda low, so it was a quick, nice jump. and i enjoyed it. like it was well excuted. the line between the audience and the stage was simultaneously clear and unclear, i wasnt too sure if i was in or out of the action, though i knew i was detached from it. remember that post some time back about theatre having an inherent duality? tonight i experienced it first hand :) Stoppard, i never thought i'd say this, ROCKS :)

ok but enough artsy fartsy shit.

you know sometimes, when a blog post is long, it's either about general BS, or the person is being emo. i am threading the line so i dont really know what i'm trying to do or say with this blog post. but then again, i have free reign in writing so i'm just gonna let it flow.

i am listening to chasing cars now, and i want to lie "here", wherever "here" might be. i suppose it could be anyway, so long as you're there with me. whoever you are, is another issue. i dont quite know who would want to lie with me, but i'll know that the one person who does that with me is worth keeping close as a friend.

anyway. i'm sleepy. gonna end here.

sending my love.

put your ear to the speaker, choose love or sympathy

reminisce



look out for a crazy cho in this video.

i MISS VJ.

oh i believe in yesterday

believe in you

i sit like this by myself sometimes, when you're not around and i feel the pinch. i hate it; this feeling. makes me feel like i'm useless and have to rely on you completely. but i cant fight the fact that i miss you more than i should, and it hurts when i try to fight it. it scares me. i fear i become totally desensitized. i rationalize with myself when i sit here. i find it in me to stop feeling that way. i find it in me to keep a level head and find refuge. but when it comes back again the cycle begins; feelings reincarnate themselves. and they come back to haunt me.

it shouldnt be like this.

i want to blame worldly forces for the feelings i feel. i want to blame the damned world for making me feel the way i do. but sometimes you need to look and see if it's just you. is it just me? am i still the same, neurotic and paranoid person i used to be? maybe someone's prediction was right. i haven't changed, when i'm supposed to have to already changed.

it shouldn't be like this.

i refuse.

with whatever little power i have i refuse to let myself fall back into self pity. i refuse to be hurt, i refuse to be angry. i refuse everything i would have done previously.

i just wished missing you would be much easier.

shucks. sorry. i just needed some kinda release. i'm not doing bad, i actually feel good most of the time. i just get a little emotional sometimes. and when it comes, i feel the need to do something about it. so i write, which seems to be the only remaining channel left. i feel simultaneously surrounded but lonely.

ok. ENOUGH LITING. ENOUGH.

i cant even count the ways

quiet in the grasp of (haze) and summer

i hate this. this haze. it's mad. DAMN you indonesia. DAMN YOU.

made a few observations about NUS today. i realised today that NUS is obsessed with abbreviations. like, CFA, like EMCC, like CSC, NM, SSA, TS etc. maybe it's not just NUS, it's a Singapore thing. we're so obsessed with shortening things that we lose sense of length, of going in depth and being clear. SMS language is not just a problem in the youths who use technology, i think it's widespread and deep seeded in our culture to shorten things.

i just thought it was really interesting.

anyway. i went to vivo city the other day to see world trade centre. awfully good movie, i must say, it's all about purging the soul of emotions. haha. coz i cried alot of times, and simultaneously laughed at the same time. so it was one hell of an emo coaster. but it's a feel good movie, and you know they're gonna be alright, so haha, the world is at peace.

but the point.

that place is SO BIG, SO BIG, that the directory of the mall, the map right, is cast IN A GRID. look:
ridiculous right?

welcome to singapore. Land of short words and large malls. and the haze.

get your face blown

i've never been so alive

because i am narcissistic (i dont know how to spell that correctly..) and because i think this would interest you, dear lovely reader. :)


pre-gig in the dressing room, the other half of the Imperfect Original. :) other woman in picture is nicolette, who performed with us too :)


this is how to deal with nerves, you smile like some idiot with your hair all over your face a-la paul twohill. though there is NO intention to be him. i do not like him. anyway, someone saw this photo and asked if she was my girlfriend. ERR. NO!!!


NUS Gig. i think this was the opening song. which was justin timberlake. dont ask why :P


gig at timbre, which, even though it was the same set, had alot of unforeseen twists. it was mad. :) we sang a beatles song and i was wearing a beatles shirt. lame huh? :P

i MISS performing. GAH!!!

ok enough self indulgence. :P

dont you think it's time you started doing what we always wanted?

that's what's so awful, irreducibly real.

i'm going off on one of my tangents again, where i'm just typing at random having lunch by myself. i should be heading off to the national library (because i do not like NUS' libraries) soon so this will be a quickie.

it is also often in the mid afternoon you have quickies, so it's appropriate.

anyway.

i've gotta act tomoro and it's scary because i havent acted in some time, and it's a character i'm not used to playing. but i LOVE the text because it's beautiful; i totally relate to it and i'm really glad to be doing it. i just wished i could do better justice acting it.

it's a duologue, so naturally i'll think of all the great duologues we saw in our time in VJ. haha. shaun and rohana, Michelle and lynn, dawn and carol, yuhui and shaun, vanessa and raudhah, rashez and vanessa, cho and brandon, michelle and angela, esmonde and grace (who could EVER forget that?) and ALOT MORE which i can remember bits off but dont remember the whole duo. and then of course, the juniors, whom i really think bob and saiful were fantastic :)

the other most natural thing, of course, is to think of my own duo experience with corrie my duopardner. :) we're both emo people so you can imagine the chaos :P haha. but well, lofty said it was like a kitchen sink drama, and it didnt fit the genre. we were young i suppose. and too lazy to do more. haha. :P

duos are for me, more fun than monos. you get to work with someone. you're not just talking to an invisible 4th wall. you're not just being emo and neurotic and talking to yourself. you're talking to somebody, and that somebody's talking back to you. and in that process you get to know each other very well (sometimes even more than you want to get to know someone). you "live and learn" as they said in sprouts. you make sacrifices, concessions and what not, and you look after each other. which is why it puzzled me, that preparing for the coming duologue, it only took 1.5 hours.

welcome to the world of NUS theatre. thank goodness it isnt graded. (I HOPE! or I'LL JUMP OFF THE HILL)

SEMIOTICS fascinates me. yet at the same time, it's so technical it has turned the study of theatre into a science. it worries me that it can get so technical. the beauty of theatre is it's spontaniety. maybe why theatre fascinates me in general is the element of surprise. the duality of everything also intrigues me. how it's simultaneously timeless and ephemeral, simultaneously technical and magical; the interplay of all these opposites is just amazing. think you cant do 2 things at once, be in two places at once, or be 2 people at once? in the theatre, you can. it's almost as if you're unlocking a fantasy world where nothing is impossible. perhaps the theatre is God's way of showing us that everything and anything can be done, when you have the will to try.

i dont wanna be blasphemous so no more religious comparisons ok. :P

anyway. i should be going. i've slurped down the last of my lunch some time in that last paragraph and i really shouldnt be slacking my life away. i'm no longer accountable to just myself you know.

and i'm going broke. SOME BODY SAVE ME!!!!



loves of my life. :)

i'm gone. :)

all the struggle we thought was in vain

Do You Remember - Jack Johnson

Do you remember when we first met?
I sure do
It was some time in early September
But you were lazy about it, you made me wait around
I was so crazy about you, I didn't mind
So I was late for class, I locked my bike to yours
It wasn't hard to find, you painted flowers on it
Guess that I was afraid that if you rode away
You might not roll back my direction real soon

Well, I was crazy about you, then and now
But the craziest thing of all
Over ten years have gone by and you're still mine
Locked in time, let's rewind

Do you remember when we first moved in together
The piano took up the living room
You played me Boogie Woogie, I played you love songs
You'd say, we're playing house
Now you still say we are
We built our getaway up in a tree we found
We felt so far away but we were still in town

Now, I remember watching that old tree burn down
I took a picture that I don't like to look at

But all these times, they come and go
And alone don't seem so long
Over ten years have gone by
We can't rewind, we're locked in time
But you're still mine

Do you remember?

i can feel this narcolepsy slide

the test ended early for me, because i felt like i just didnt really wanna continue and check and be doubly sure of my answers. i'm more or less confident, unless for some god-forsaken reason what econs i've learnt is a gross misconception. then we're in big trouble. anyway. so i get out of the place and head to the bus stop. it's not packed, but it's crowded. and i know the bus will be worse. as i walk i keep looking back, just to be sure i didnt miss a bus that could potentially be, surprisingly, empty. but i get to the bus stop without much incident. i'm sweaty, sticky and feeling kinda gross, and my bag, for some odd reason, currently weighs a ton.

anyway. the bus finally comes and it's packed, and it passes by the bus stop without giving a hoot. i joined the group of disgruntled commuters, but then out of the corner of my eye another 96 appears around the bend. i rejoice, for it is empty. :)

scrambling on i get a seat in my favourite place where there's plenty of leg room and i feel comfortable. i'm wearing a jacket so it's hot, but otherwise i settle in for the short journey to clementi. in my mind i will the bus to travel faster yet, and mentally manipulate the bus driver to overtake the kayu driver in front of the bus. he's driving a pretty powerful car but he's going at snail's pace, holding up my poor bus driver and his disgruntled passengers. finally it works. my mind power managing to work it's way to the driver's hands, and the bus proceeds, without much incident once more.

i practically jump off the bus and get onto the escalator. i do not understand why in the world it's so packed. i avoid collision with a street busker who, i dont mean to offend, has conveniently parked himself in the middle of a crowded intersection. i'm safely on my way now, and going through the MRT gantry i walk up the escalator, for there's a train in 2 mins and i dont want to miss it. i get on the platform just in time to see the train pull in. good. i'm making good time. i get onto the train and feel like a sardine.

there's a seat staring me in the face and i'm tired. i look around for elderly, disabled and pregnant human beings, and walk towards the seat. the concave surface fits perfectly and it's a kind of magic. i fall into a deep slumber, occasionally regaining consciousness to notice i was getting nearer east. it's not early, but not that late either. around tampines i regain control of my body, and remove my behind from the nice imprint it's made in the seat. i head out of the station and to the bus stop. i am impatient, needless to say. i just wanted to get home in time. the bus takes some time. i guess even if it's been a relatively lucky day so far, not everything goes rosily. i contemplate taking a cab. but the bus pulls into the stop, and i get on.

thus begins the brief surfing on the bus. my body turns in tandem with the curving motion of the bus turning a bend. outside i spy an old lady and her domestic helper walking on the pavement, her wheelchair about 10 meters away. i smile and think that it's beautiful. i hope the domestic helper learns much from the stories the old lady tells, and i hope the old lady remembers these walks and be happy, so that if she goes she goes peacefully. reminds me of tuesdays with morrie, though i've only read about 5 pages of it. after a coupla of wipe-out-worthy turns, i get to my stop. and i'm finally home.

the key fits into the hole and i get into the house. i dump all of my school stuff onto the bed and grab the flash cards, the pick and the letter, and put them into my small bag. heading to the kitchen, i slap together a quick sandwich, and take a bite, wishing i didnt put cheese in it. i pack everything nicely, check i have everything and leave.

back on the street again, the bus takes ages to come. i contemplate cabbing and it's benefits again, but my wallet is near empty. 15 agonizing minutes later an old, worn out 53 appears. i get on and find a seat (again, for some reason i'm real lucky) and begin to play mindgames with the driver again. when the airport is in sight, i dont see 36 at the interchange so i'm a little disappointed. i once waited 45 mins for the bus, so you can imagine the anxiety. thankfully, barely a min into waiting the bus comes into the interchange in all it's airconditioned glory. i get on, will the bus driver to come back quickly and sit down. (it's 36, it's mostly empty.)

i continue my mind games, and make it just at the time i wanted to at neptune court. the whole journey i get a nagging feeling that my target would be on the same bus or on another bus nearby, and bumping into her at the bus stop would ruin my plans. i look around furtively just to be sure. the coast, as they always say, is clear. so i walk into the condominium. my shadow in the yellow light is long, and i trace the sillouhette visually, liking it very much. i'm wearing bermudas, a tshirt, a jacket and a cap, and the shadow looks nice and totally me. my heart enters a moment of peace, but as i near block 2, it speeds up, as the excitement and anxiety sets in. i get safely to the lift lobby, and press the button. nothing.

i press again. nothing.

i'm getting a little frazzled. i press again. hard.

this time the familiar 'ting' comes on and the doors open. i ponder if i should step into the lift, lest it breaks down with me in it. but i take a step of faith, go in and press the button with the right level printed in white, stenciled font on the little piece of black plastic. the lift brings me up, and i contemplate warning her that i'm on my way up and she should probably get the door. i decide not to, not willing to risk being caught unprepared. the lift door opens, and i'm finally here. i'm scared to death and very nervous. the only way to get the door opened is to call her, so i do. no answer. i hear noises behind the door; a conversation. but only one voice. she's on the phone! Brilliant, since the first card says: 'i'll wait for you to get off the phone.'

i jump. i rap on the door.

"liting?"

i dont answer.

"is that liting?"

i hold up the cards in position, and some how manage a "yeah."

the door opens.

she stares at the first card, amazed, and then tells the person on the phone she'll call back.

she keeps staring at me, and i spy a rainbow wash over her eyes.

Love actually rocks. :)



no it wasnt EXACTLY like that, but it was almost as good. and of course, the context was different. :P but at that moment, i could feel like i was flying across the universe. it was surreal, and i was high. it was a good place to be. i wished it lasted a lifetime. :)

nothing's gonna change my world.

i'll keep singing this line if you'll keep believing it.

so here is the weekly update. i've got a pile of stuff to do, and all by wed. it's a crazy first half of the week.

i've just returned from doing field work for my new media project on the Digital Divide. and i tells you; i think singapore society tends to be a little too suspicious of young people. every old person i tried to interview thought i was trying to sell them something and it really didnt help i got brushed off even before they heard that i was liting from NUS and i ...

see. mid sentence i get cut off. for old people they walk very fast.

anyway. i got my data. i'm going to have to cheat a little but the data is largely accurate. so. :) am happy with self.

the week ahead, like i said, looks hectic. and i really shouldnt be blogging but i cant help myself. i like to write. :) i've got a birthday to worry about, which is on wed. i HAD a crazy idea, but i dont think it'll happen. it's crazy and not very feasible. if i had more time i might have been able to carry it out.. but i cannot. just too bad i guess. but at least part of the plan is still going to happen, but it's subject to whether this birthday girl stays at home. (please be home.. please please please ...) isnt it one of the biggest bummers to plan and plan for something and then it doesnt happen? SIGH.

i've hit a rut writing lyrics to rifts. i've got a couple of new guitar rifts that i want to produce into songs, and the other day at jeane's place we just jammed and i tells you, it rocks. jeane's good with lyrics man. :) call me someone of little faith, but i think, even though we do work well together, i dont see a future in a career with her as a band mate. we'll still be friends of course, and we'll be ok, but in terms of sharing a career, given the current circumstances, i think it's not gonna happen. but it's ok. i'll carve out my own music career. about 2 weeks ago i gave myself 4 years to write enough songs to produce my own album. the countdown has begun. :) 4 years. we'll see. :) maybe when we're both famous, Imperfect Original will really get somewhere. :) but for now, it's just jam jam and more jamming. wherever it takes either of us professionally remains to be seen.

anyway. i really should get to work studying for my test. Econs. SHITE.

and. Song lyrics for you. i love fall out boy

Fall out Boy - Sophomore Slump of Comeback of the year

Are we growing up or just going down
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
Take our tears and put them on ice
'Cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light

We're the therapists pumping through your speakers
Delivering just what you need
We're well-read and poised
We're the best boys
We're the chemists who've found the formula
To make your heart swell and burst
No matter what they say, don't believe a word

'Cause I'll keep singing this lie if you'll keep believing it
I'll keep singing this lie
I'll keep singing this lie
Are we growing up or just going down
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
Take our tears and put them on ice
'Cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light

We're traveled like gypsies
Only with worse luck and far less gold
We're the kids you used to love
But then we grew old
We're the lifers here til the bitter end
Condemned from the start
Ashamed of the way
The songs and the words own the beating of our hearts

'Cause I'll keep singing this lie I'll keep singing this lie

Are we growing up or just going down
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
Take our tears and put them on ice
'Cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light
There's a drug in the thermostat to warm the room up
And another around to help us bend your trust
I've got sunset in my veins
And I need to take a pill to make this town feel okay

The best part of "Believe" is the "Lie"
I hope you sing along and you steal a line
I need to keep you like this in my mind
So give in or just give up

The best part of "Believe" is the "Lie"
I hope you sing along and you steal a line
I need to keep you like this in my mind
So give in or just give up

Are we growing up or just going down
Are we growing up or just going down
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
Take our tears and put them on ice
'Cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light

that's it.

the best part of "believe" is the LIE.

red october skies

i dreamt last night of a purple sky, with golden clouds and a bright orange sun. i was walking in a park and children's laughter surrounded me as i walked. i wasnt sure whether it was a dream or not because i still wore timberlands and jeans. it was hot down under, but it didnt matter. i kept walking. and that's all i remember of the dream. of the sky which is so rare, and definitely unparalleled in reality. i am resolved right now to recreate that scene on stage. :)

anyway. i'm suffering from acute withdrawal symptoms. gig-withdrawal is getting to me. it's addictive you know, i've been getting high adrenaline rushes everytime i stand in the light, mic on a stand at my lips, and guitar in hands. i wanna put photos up, but jeane has them ... so haha. you will have to wait.

school begins tomoro. one week break is damn fast man. i'm not looking forward to starting school again. travelling to clementi everyday. sigh. ok. i must keep my head up. I WILL BE OK. i shall not sink. i shall be ok.

i am trying very hard not to kid myself.

anyway. it's been very long since i posted lyrics, and i am all for the promotion of good music, so i'm posting lyrics of a current favourite song. and because i performed it, it's got a VERY special place in my heart.

this is Dashboard Confessional - Dusk and Summer

She smiled in a big way
The way a girl like that smiles
When the world is hers And she held your eyes
Out in the breezeway down by the shore
In the lazy summer

And she pulled you in
And she bit your lip
And she made you hers
She looked deep into you as you lay together
Quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer

But youve already lost
But youve already lost
But youve already lost
When you only had barely enough to hang on

And she combed your hair
And she kissed your teeth
And she made you better than youd been before
And she told you bad things that you wished you could change
In the lazy summer

And she told you laughing down to her core
So she would not cry
And she lay in your lap as she said
Nobody here can live forever
Quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer

But youve already lost
But youve already lost
But youve already lost
When you only had barely enough to hang on

She said No one is alone the way you are alone
And you held her looser than you would’ve if you ever couldve known
Some things tie your life together
With slender threads of things to treasure
Days like that should last and last and last

But youve already lost
But youve already lost
But youve already lost
When you only have barely enough of her to hang on

ok. i am going to study. :)

yeah we divas but we ride like big boys do.

because you loved me.

Gig number 2 was great. but the nerves were really getting to me man, coz my fingers were numbing up.

cant wait to get back on a stage.

i'm really seriously considering music as a career... any thoughts?

watch me unravel, i'll soon be naked