when you say what you think you know.

i think people too often shoot off their mouths, and talk about things that they dont know.

that's just the statement of the day for me. :)

anyway. i am intrigued, but also terrified by ABSURDISM.

quotable quotes:

"the human situation as basically meaningless and absurd. The 'absurd' plays by Samuel Beckett, Arthur Adamov, Eugene Ionesco, Jean Genet, Harold Pinter and others all share the view that man is inhabiting a universe with which he is out of key. Its meaning is indecipherable and his place within it is without purpose. He is bewildered, troubled and obscurely threatened."

"the Theatre of the Absurd also seems to have been a reaction to the disappearance of the religious dimension form contemporary life. The Absurd Theatre can be seen as an attempt to restore the importance of myth and ritual to our age, by making man aware of the ultimate realities of his condition, by instilling in him again the lost sense of cosmic wonder and primeval anguish. The Absurd Theatre hopes to achieve this by shocking man out of an existence that has become trite, mechanical and complacent."

"One of the most important aspects of absurd drama was its distrust of language as a means of communication. Language had become a vehicle of conventionalised, stereotyped, meaningless exchanges. Words failed to express the essence of human experience, not being able to penetrate beyond its surface. The Theatre of the Absurd constituted first and foremost an onslaught on language, showing it as a very unreliable and insufficient tool of communication."

"Absurd drama subverts logic. It relishes the unexpected and the logically impossible. According to Sigmund Freud, there is a feeling of freedom we can enjoy when we are able to abandon the straitjacket of logic. In trying to burst the bounds of logic and language the absurd theatre is trying to shatter the enclosing walls of the human condition itself. Our individual identity is defined by language, having a name is the source of our separateness - the loss of logical language brings us towards a unity with living things. In being illogical, the absurd theatre is anti-rationalist: it negates rationalism because it feels that rationalist thought, like language, only deals with the superficial aspects of things. Nonsense, on the other hand, opens up a glimpse of the infinite. It offers intoxicating freedom, brings one into contact with the essence of life and is a source of marvellous comedy."

i may be obessed, but the absurdity of life IS everywhere. i'm not going to debate about it, because there is nothing to debate on, considering the world is well, life is, meaningless and absurd. it scares me to know that i'm living, if i was without a God, that i'm living for nothing. the absurdity of life lies in the fact that we're all heading towards one thing. DEATH. but of course, religiously it's a totally different thing.

but do ponder why you do the things you do. why does it always seem like there is no end to work? why do we bother trying to live lives if at the end of it all we die anyway? without that spiritual element, these questions can kill.

i'm in love with absurd theatre now :)

aiite. that's it from me. :)

watching all of the heartache and pain of the world and thinking nothing of it.

liting you jinx.

sounds like a sad blogpost already? haha no lah! it's actually quite amusing ok :P

here's what happened.

the east bound MRT we were travelling had just left aljunied MRT station, en route to Paya Lebar. We are squashed between 2 men and a woman, tired, and grabbing on to the pole trying hard not to fall. we're talking, mostly gibberish, and the 3 people surrounding us are irritated because we were making lots of noise. (who needs 3 women to make a market? with us you only need 2.)

anyway, the train suddenly jerks and comes to a stop in the middle of nowhere. We're not at a station, it's dark outside and we're all recovering from losing our balance. the PA system comes on.

'Dear Passangers, train services will resume shortly.'

i feel unusually mad, so i say to my friend mel: 'the next thing you know, the lights are going to go off, the airconditioning is going to shut down and we're all going to suffocate and die.'

we're both laughing, and mel says: 'dont jinx the train.'

then, suddenly, the lights went out. we're standing in darkness, stunned by the sudden loss of light. mel looks at me nervously, and then, the air con shuts down. we're standing in the dark, and it's getting hot and stuffy. the driver comes on the PA system and says:

'ladies and gentlemen, we're experiencing some technical difficulties and train services will resume shortly. Sorry for any inconvienience caused.'

and we stand there, in the dark, stuffy MRT carraige for round about 10 minutes, all the time imagining who we'll call if we really had to die there.

the lights begin to flicker, and mel's face exudes a glimmer of hope. Then, the lights go off. again! mel turns to me and says: 'tings, you've jinxed the entire train.'

well. mebbe i did. cause i feel unusually evil today. hehe. :P

ok i just came on to type that. hehe. :P I'm gone! :)

waiting there for nothing at all

i remember waiting for you to come.

first off, kudos to rau for ataris CD. :)

The Saddest Song - Ataris

Only two more days until your birthday,
Yesterday was mine.
You'll be turning five.
I know what it's like,
growing up without your father in your life.

So i pretend i'm doing all i can
and hope someday you'll find it in your heart
to understand why i'm not around
and forgive me for not being in your life.

I remember waiting for you to come
remember waiting for you to call
remember waiting there to find nothing at all.

Maybe someday you'll really get to know me
not just from letters read to you
I pray i get the chance to make it up to you
We've got a lot of catching up to do.

So i pretend i'm doing all i can
and hope someday you'll find it in your heart
to understand why i'm not around
and forgive me for not being in your life.

I remember waiting for you to come
Remember waiting for you to call
Remember waiting there to find nothing at all.

Forgive me
I'm so sorry
I will make it up to you ...

i first heard this song a long time ago, but i never quite figured out who it was from. :) now i know and i love it :)

kinda reflects the feelings i have now.

and if i may add, i'm waiting for you to come.

til then, it's up to you. do what you must.

:)

aiite. i'm gone.

waiting there to find nothing at all

if i can dream.

i have nothing in particular to say, because i havent exactly been doing anything worth talking about. i stay in school all day, waste my life away, and come home to sleep the rest of it away. what a life.

well, anyway.

may i introduce you to DIRTY CLOTHES INC. :) i added the INC at the back myself so that it sounds cooler. hehe :) my group for A levels. Cast in stone:
Sunil
Brandon
Yuhui
Arika
Viv
Me

sounded like a weird group before. but i dont think we're that weird. i mean, ok we have our little quirks, and i'm not exactly having the best time of my life, but well, at least i dont feel like killing anyone. Yet. ok no, i dont wanna kill any of them. it's just that we're doing too much discussion and too little work that it's getting frustrating. not to mention i think we tend to clamp ourselves down too much and i feel a little restrained.

you know, i'm having the same communication problems with this group as i had with Prima Dawn-a. it's getting frustrating and difficult because i dont want to thrash the idea, coz i feel we have something concrete. if only we'll let the piece evolve and not try to restrict it. not that we're conciously doing it, but it's like we thrash everyone, (well, at least brandon's and sunil's) ideas too quickly. i feel guilty sometimes for moving on, but well, when the situation calls for it, i guess it has to be done.

all i know now is that i do agree with that famous tag line that corrie came up with. We have lost our sense of wonderment. i wont hide the fact i'm frustrated here, because i know that here, i wont be disrupting important group discussions. (i'm NOT being sarcastic.) i really dont wanna disrupt discussions. i just wished we improv-ed better. not that we're bad. ARGH. just that our improvs dont go anywhere and we need to start letting improvs run and not cutting them.

i admit at this time i'm rambling.

i'm looking at the year ones doing their monos and fretting now, and i am filled with sadness because my time was over. i screwed up my chance of acting, because i wasnt focused on what i was doing. i look back now, and i feel stupid, because i tried my best to act, but it came to naught. But i cldnt. i promised myself i wouldnt let one bad mono experience put me off. And at the end, i triumphed, with promos groups and prelim I/S. now, i need that motivation, that same drive to keep me going. i need that mental strength to pick myself up and be on fire for this art form i love so much. and i wished, i only wished, that we all would allow ourselves to take risks, just like i've learnt from the prelim groups experience, and allow ourselves to uncover the beauty of what we're trying to create. i feel i've taken the lessons i need to learn from prelims and applied here now in A levels. in a way i just hoped we'll all be more accepting of each other's ideas, and be more willing to try everything and anything. somewhere, somehow, we will find out pieces.

to all groups, new and old: we'll make it through. :) i know we will.

you know this is alot like the GP essay i handed in today. Totally random, and totally totally just continuous rambling without censorship or without making a point :) hehe. :)

i'll be honest and say i miss working with Yin Ren. That boy is one helluva idea machine. :)

for the record, i am not exactly having the best time of my life now, because i havent got enough motivation and strength to do something about my weight. i'm tempted to drop my resolution, but i dont want to (even though it's already a little late. i shall still try and take it from now i suppose? i dunno.). I'm worried yes, and i havent weighed myself in a long time because i'm afraid of the figure. i only wished there was someone to help me through, to understand that it's not just a weight issue, there's a whole emotional side to it. and people around me who are not fat, but think they are and make a fuss out of it should just open their eyes and spare a little thought for me. i know you all want to look good. but it depresses me to see you all perfectly normal people think that you are fat. you're not. you're normal and you should accept it. sure, you have to do stuff to keep in shape. but that's the thing, you're already IN SHAPE. you're not fat. there are people who actually are fat around you.

i am contemplating seeing a dietician. mebbe go to a slimming centre or something. all i know is i need to get in shape. and it has to start now.

i am asking for support. because i have tried, and i cant do it on my own.

ok this was a little too much for one blogpost.

oops.

in anycase, i'll be fine and dandy after my rambling i suppose. i actually already feel better after typing this out. :)

aiite. i'm gone.

if you wanna be somebody else,
if you're tired of losing battles with yourself.
if you wanna be somebody else,
change your mind.

this might take awhile.

another wasted weekend has come and gone. i slept today away, and well, trying to read and do my mountain of m4m essays is just shit boring. and i'm on medication, which makes me drowsy. so therefore, i have slept weekend away.

well. what's new? i'm still surviving. i think i might start my essay. soon.

anyway, just thought i might share something:

i turned up for the last half an hour of CG today, and you know that's no big achievement, but heck, who cares?. anyway. calvin was leading lesson and he gave me this sheet of paper. it was entitled 'Life Signs' and here's what it said:

Spend some time thinking about your lives in terms of traffic signs.

1. If you were to select a traffic sign to tell how you've been seeking to live your life, what sign would it be?

of the 8 options, i ticked
'UNDER CONSTRUCTION' - because i'm changing so much.

why? because i am going through alot of emotional change now, both characterwise and physically. which explains (or mebbe not) why i feel a little more withdrawn from people. i think i'm at that point in my life, (where i was last year) where i just need to get right. to get right, and intuned with myself. where i want to progress and not stagnate in my spiritual life. but i dont want others to help me get there. i'm not being stubborn. but i've relied too much on other people's spirituality that i've not found my own. i want to start anew. somewhere else. honestly, i want to leave and go somewhere else. mebbe then it'll be easier to grow.

2. what sign are you displaying in your relationship with others?

of the 6 options, i ticked
'OPEN 24 HOURS' - because i'm always available to others.

why? hmm. i dunno. i think i am. you guys should know better.

3. if God were to give you a traffic ticket right now for how you are living your life, what would it be for?

of the 5 options, i ticked
'DRIVING THE WRONG WAY ON A ONE WAY STREET' - i need to turn my life around.

at the risk of sounding like i'm blaming everyone and everything, i think VJ and the new routine has seriously screwed up my spiritual life. i say the routine is new because it is different from what i had before i came to VJ. i think i've compromised alot of myself. and i've compromised alot of God for othr unimportant things. i managed to curse less before i came to VJ, but now i'm back to cursing alot too. i managed to somewhat keep myself in check and away from liking people, but many of you know i've fallen many times. for people. and my whole quiet time routine, my whole prayer life, my involvement in church, all completely screwed up. so. i need to turn around. i need to run back to God. i need to stop, turn and, well. hope He'll be there. so that my walk is not in vain.

in other words, i need some time with God and a mental vacation.

well on to other things.

i had a stroke of brilliance for a new sound piece on friday night after watching 'ray'. i am, at this point in time, in love with ray charles. :) i wanted to change my sound piece for I/S but well. hehe. i dont think i wanna give everyone a heart attack :P anyway, new sound piece is no longer for A levels. i am going to do it for fun. :) hehe.

ok you know what? i am going off now. :) buh bye.

sorry i'm not much for conversation

An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it. - Orlando A. Battista

to some extent now that i know the truth, it takes a weight off my shoulder. but i am still very much disturbed and troubled, because i still do not understand. i cannot fathom it because it is just too difficult. honestly i want so much to run away from it all and just pretend that nothing happened. obviously, i cannot. because the situation does not allow me to do that.

i think i said too much today. though i think i made some sense at the very least.

hey: once you've opened the door to my heart, i doubt it will ever close on you. stay strong. you'll get through it, whether with help or not, at the end of the road there is something beautiful waiting to happen. and when you set your eyes on the end, you'll find yourself on a high-speed train there.

i'm gonna need time to think about it and sort it out with myself, because it is pretty much difficult to digest. i will be perfectly honest: i havent really come to terms with it.

alright. i cant say much more, cept mebbe some song lyrics here and there.

Phil Collins - True Colors

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it
And the darkness, inside you
Makes you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Just show your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
Just call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Just show your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Such sad eyes
Take courage now
Realize

When this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
Just call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Just show your true colors
True colors, true colors

Are shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid; just let them show
Your true colors, true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Beautiful, like a rainbow

aiite, this is me.

night.

there must be peace and understanding somehow.

that painful thought.

at this very moment i am big on a particular robbie williams song:

I wouldn't be so alone If they knew my name in every home Kevin Spacey would call on the phone But I'd be too busy Come back to the old five and dime Cameron Diaz give me a sign I'd make you smile all the time Your conversation would compliment mine I will talk and Hollywood will listen See them bow at my every word Mr Spielberg look just what you're missing Doesn't that seem a little absurd Bow at my every word Buy up the rights to my book Live on a ranch from what the box office took I'll go and visit the set They'll call me their saviour All the peoples will scorn celebrity Lives on the moon But, I'll be back home in June To promote the sequel I will talk and Hollywood will listen See them bow at my every word Mr. Spielberg look just what you're missing Doesn't that seem a little absurd Bow at my every word

haha :)

well anyway. i have a lot of random thoughts to put down, if i can only consolidate them. ah heck. let it pass lest someone accuseth me of self pity.

am gonna go do something productive. like study econs.

ok i am outta here.

mr. spielberg look, just what you're missing

"Look what you've done,
You've made a fool of everyone.
Oh, wow, it seems like such fun,
Until you lose what you had won."

michelle: 'everything's that needs to be said has been said.'

i cant decide if i want to know or not.

in the wise words of DT: 'Moving on with life.'

somebody has my copy of 'Time Traveller's wife'. It was A GIFT. If you have it and you're reading this, CAN I HAVE IT BACK?!

arigato.

in a moment, everything can change.

terrible horrible no good very bad.

ok. let me do this first.

!@#$%^&*)+_)(*&^%$#^&*()!!!!!!!

ok.

here's the reason.

some idiot stole my money and my atm card.

yes. STOLE

it is STOLEN.

stupid shit. i shall now no longer trust anyone accept myself with my wallet.

this thief is also a little bit stupid lah. i mean, you take my ATM card for what? you have my pin number meh?! too bad. the card has been cancelled, and my pin number shall be changed. HA! in your face! {pfft}

and i'm not the only one with things stolen. quite frankly, if it's an internal job, that person better at least tell lofty, low and daxter. even if the rest of us dont know, it's ok. as long as this person gets help.

well on to other things...

i'm back on track again after a slight derail. now that i know things i've decided to take a passive course and let things go on naturally. i know i'll change. but change for the right reasons. because a) i'm going for total reliance and b) total reliance on my Heavenly Father. :D whatever i do, i know He is not going to judge me. because i am going to live my life right. i am going to live my life for the one purpose that i am here for. GOD.

say it again: GOD.

total reliance was never less fatal than this. :)

i mean, if i cant change my personality, then i'll change the way my personality affects others. :D whatever happens, whatever the result, it will be good because of the blessed assurance i have from my Lord and Savior JC :D

anyway. i have scheduled an operation for 15th june. i went to the doctor's today, and got it settled. essentially i'm afraid, but i'm keeping my head up and not thinking about it because i dont want to keep worrying about it. it will come, so let it worry about itself :)

i am very high at this moment. dont know why :P

oh anecdote of the day:

i was leaving the hospital today, and i saw this truck in front of me: 'ANG CHIN MO CASKET'. on the back of the truck, there was a sticker saying: 8 pax.

*rolls on the floor laughing*

randomly:
all you people with hair fetishes, like if you really like cutting hair and styling it, esp girls, please go read 1 Corinthians 11.

i am dreaming of better days. of days where you are carefree, without fear of judgement, without fear of hate, without fear of hurt, be it self inflicted or inflicted by others. you know how people say the closest people build you up the most, and tear you down the worst. i just wanna get on with life, and search for that one purpose that's worth living for. if people choose to reject me, then reject me. i'll be saddened but i'll live. if people choose to accept me, then that's great. :) i'll look forward to happy healthy friendships :)

ok i think i better go now.

btw. i miss dong. *brudder!*

am going. night!

hand me the world on a silver platter