everybody gotta have a dream

so the gig. well. it happened yesterday and it was easily one of the best days of my life so far. the thing about performing is, you never feel the most confident, until you get on stage. and even if you make a mistake, you just keep moving on, and keep going, as if the mistake wasnt there to begin with. and then when it ends, you sorta get this mix of sorrow and joy. joy that you got through it kinda smoothly, and sorrow because it was over. Jeane asked me why i looked so sad after the gig. for one, it wasnt perfect. BUT. the point is, it was over. and i was kinda saddened by it. but i guess, there's still sat to look forward to, and i'm looking forward to that. :)

anyway. thanks to those who were there. :) meant alot to me and i really appreciate it. to those who were overseas, well, haha, i think there is a video. :P

anyway. yesterday was the longest gig i've ever played. it was also the first gig i really played as 'liting', uncensored, uncut, unrestricted, raw and totally me. i've never felt so good performing. and i thought, for one second yesterday, that i want to be a full time musician. i DO LIKE theatre, and i do want to continue in it, but music is my first love. and music will always be. :) i feel like i'm starting to come out of this shell that i've built around me, and i feel like i'm going somewhere. i'm at a GREAT point in my life now. and it really rocks. :)

it's a fantastic feeling to have found myself. :)

ok. i gotta get back to doing some work.

nothing's gonna change my world.

the weekly update: week 6 of NUS term

i havent been able to just si down and type this past week, hence the very dry and boring blog with no updates. but i realise that i always sorta find time to blog on that tues long breaks that i have, so haha, you'll have to be content with this then :)

yesterday, i saw my daddy after like, days of him leaving early and me coming back late. last week was crazy. the weekend was really madness. anyway. we were sitting around the dinner table talking, listening to my dad telling us about the Burkina Faso delegates he's been driving around. (for those of you overseas, the IMF is in town, everyone's smiling like some mad person and the suntec city area is dead. like, eerily quiet.) anyway. i loved it. last night, around the dinner table. we just talked, the whole family, the four of us sitting there. i almost went: i wished i could have more of this.

i never spend enough time just hanging out with my parents, and i suppose i can see now, the rationale behind not staying in hall on campus. i will miss my parents dearly, (not to mention my bed, my own shower and toilet, TV, Radio, all of the comforts of home. :P) and i'll probably not see them for months on end, until term break at least. i dont want to leave this comfort zone of family, and the comfort zone of a home that's irreplaceable. call me sheltered and cowardly, call me whatever you want. at the end of the day you'll be agreeing with me.

to be honest i dont really wanna be all by myself, all the time. though i've dealt with being alone with a sense of "poise and rationality" so far. (it's no longer a bother or an upsetting thing to be alone. be proud of me. :D) my family and friends outside of NUS are my support, the people i fall back on when i really need to fall. last night i realised the beauty of four people huddled at a table sharing a meal, a laugh and a great time. i want more of that, and i know exactly who i want to spend that time with. :)

the prospect of the parentals flying far far away to Dubai is scary. i know my mother's job hunting, and i know she's quite serious about it. but i'm not optimistic about how i'm going to spend the next 2 years by myself in Singapore, while the rest of the Family go to Dubai. it's all for a better life, i know, and looking on the bright side, i might get to live in Dubai for awhile. :) but it's a cold scary feeling. and i am a scared little kid.

anyway.

i've just come out form one of the greatest lows of my 19 years thus far, and the beauty is i feel great. :) never felt better. i mean, sure, there are times where i just feel jaded and lost, but i've really never felt any better. i'm embracing varsity life, and i'm living good. i feel like i have some kinda direction now, and i know, that at the end of it all i'll be coming out, alive, kicking and be a force to be reckoned with. watch out world, i'm waiting to fly. :)

so my band's not called PAPERBACK NOVEL. but what matters most now is that i HAVE a Band, and it's called IMPERFECT ORIGINAL. we perform in NUS on 27th September (those of you who are here better get your ass down to NUS on wed night. :P so far, the original samples i've sent out have been well recieved (or are they just biased?? :P) so i am confident enough to say it'll be worth your time well spent :) come come come ok! :)

anyway. i better be going now. i'm not drowning in work, but i'm dying. so. better get to it.

lying in the grasp of dusk and summer.

forget what we're told, before we get too old

i wonder if it's only just me, but i believe that the university social life tends to be difficult to maintain. especially if you didnt go for orientation, and you seem like just another face in the crowd, quiet, unassuming, and insignificant. today i think i realised i can live with that. it's no matter. :)

anyway.

spent the day yesterday with the love of my life (no, i do not want to sleep with this person :P) and it was surreal. i think by the end of the night, even though you kept asking me to leave, you didnt want me to. i know it. dont deny it. :P haha. maybe coz if it was all in my control i wouldnt want to leave too, and i wouldnt want you to go. i thought i might cry myself to sleep last night, but i didnt. seems like i'm stronger than you think. just like how you think you're bigger than you really are. i think that in a sense does make you potentially tall, but i'm not too sure. :)

i love you babes. and i really dont want you to go, but on the flip side in my highly conflictive mind, i know this is good for you, and i know it's only right. and hell yeah, i KNOW, you're coming back. it's just this sad missing you feeling i dont want. in the words of the goo goo dolls,

i just dont wanna miss you tonight.

see what a day out with you does to me?? *roar.

you owe me photos.

lecture begins. i shall be back :)

here's to the nights we felt alive ... here's to goodbye, tomorrow's gonna come too soon..

if i lay here.

today i came to the conclusion that i want to form a band, and it shall be called 'PAPERBACK NOVEL'. no particular reason, i just thought the ring of the name was nice. it's like, also almost as if the band's under-rated, because you know how hardcovers kinda sell better than paperbacks? but paperbacks are cool. they are handier, and weigh much less, but it's still the same as your hardcover-ed counterparts.

setting up internet on my mac is HELL. i have given up and am currently using some body's network called 'default'. haha.

anyway.

i've been bumping into some old friends from secondary school these past few days in NUS, people i havent seen or spoken to in 2 years, maybe even more. it felt strangely warm, yet strangely awkward at the same time. when you've never really established a connection before, do you really want to try and push for a sense of familiarity when you've once again 're-united'? i realized that unlike many other people, those who have become my 'secondary school friends' that i still know now were never from my class. maybe i was intimidated by them? like, they all seemed like very very smart people and it was unnerving to be with them? i've always felt a little inferior to people around me, which is the driving force to work harder, and therefore, in itself a blessing because i have managed to do pretty well by my standards. but the ultimate backlash is not having a secondary school life that i can look back on and reminisce adequately.

my main fear of course, is whether it seems insincere on my part to say hello to them, when i know that i am TOTALLY sincere in saying hi and trying to establish a connection.

when people say 'i miss KC.' i tend to agree. but in my head i think about it, and all i can say is, i dont. i dont miss the school, i dont miss my KC days. but here's the twist. what i do miss is the people who have become an important part of my life, the people who i call family, and the people a real connection has been made with. i do miss the talking, the deep conversations, and the being there for each other.

thinking back, i never really made an effort with my sec 4 class. i know in JC i did. but with 4/7, i never really bothered. the question remains, am i sorry for that.

and suddenly, the answer to that question becomes clear. No. i'm not sorry. because your past, your history defines your present, and if i had made an effort, i probably would never had made the effort in JC, which means i would have missed out on TSD all together. and i'd give the world not to miss it.

ok. i have been thinking back to JC life too much. time to move on.

i'm going to miss stinky. (i love you babe :P)

sigh.

waking up dead inside of my head.

hands are shaking cold

was just struck by the irony of the situation.

just when i was about to feel sorry for myself, 'Move Along' plays on my iTunes.

"When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through"

stranger things have happened both before and after noon.

i've been resisting the urge to blog, because when you feel horrible, blogging's just not the best thing to do. you tend to wallow, and then it's harder to pick yourself up. it's always easier to not be involved in your own (or anyone else's for that matter) emotions, then you tend to move along much easier.

and so here i am, and when everything is wrong, i've moved along. in the words of the all american rejects. :)

i suppose when you finally decide to update the blog, and you, dear reader, have come for an update of liting's less-than-normal life, you want to hear about what i did these past few days when i havent updated. so here's a quick over view.

Wed, 30th August - Went to School, had school, went home.
Thurs, 31th August - Went to School, had school, went home.
Fri, 1st September - Went to School, skipped lecture, went out, went home.
Sat, 2nd September - stayed home all day, wallowed in self pity.
Sun, 3rd September - Went to church, went to hang, went home.
Mon, 4th September - Went on secret covert operation, went to stinky's, went home.

are you bored yet?

Dear reader, this is my take on blogs that tell you in detail what the owner has done the entire day. but i'm not going to lash out. people have the right to blog however they want to. i'm just appealing for something a little more interesting, like how the bus ride made you feel, or at least, if you enjoyed your mcspicy double with med coke and fries. i'm thankful that i have friends who are credible, and interesting bloggers. i mean, for me that's what i think a blog should be. a collection of YOUR writings. not a log of what you've done that day. you're not a robot. you dont need to print out a log of your activities.

ok enough ranting about blogging. lest i offend somebody.

i miss TSD. have i mentioned that? it's ironic, but i'm not having fun in NUS TS. for reasons that a snobbish, personal and i dont think it right to pen them down. maybe it's coz i'm looking for a community spirit which we had in VJ, which i will NEVER find in the four walls that enclose the Kent Ridge Guild house aerobic studio. it's a fatal combination of not being able to get to know my pratical group mates better, my attitude and the whole wanting to be alone. i'm ready to admit, that i do have a problem with my attitude. and i tend to look down on people. which i shall do no longer.

you know, the thing is, it can't really be counted as looking down also. coz like, it's just, ok i explain then you all decide ok. basically. (and i stress, it's only ONE incident. i'm not usually snobbish in class. i am a nice person. really. hopefully..) my practical group has about 20 odd people. so we were doing this activity, where you're supposed to jump together and land at the same time, in total unison with the rest of the group. there's this one person in the group, i think she's had like years of experience with drama club right. and well, i must say, she's a natural leader. while i respect her for that, that's also the problem. at this stage the group doesnt need a leader. it needs to bond, so that we can SENSE. basically the whole sensing exercise became a 'follow her, she'll lead us into jumping together' session. and well. HELLO! you've missed the ENTIRE POINT OF THE EXERCISE. i was quite pissed. with her, for one, and myself. for going along with the whole thing for purposes of working as a team. i guess you gotta make sacrifices sometimes.

i want to get into the serious stuff. ARGH.

ok ok. not that what we're doing is not serious now. maybe i'm just trying to rush into things. once again, i miss TSD.

so anyway. i better be off. gotta go see if there's anything to do.

watch me as i gravitate.