from the dream academy

so here i am, after writing about 2000 years of theatre history and i'm sitting in an office somewhere in henderson road, not wanting to leave, yet feeling like i should go home and not slack my life away. but i like slacking; it keeps me sane. hossan leong has to do stand up comedy to keep sane. i have to slack.

anyway.

sometimes i sit and i wonder where my theatre career will eventually go. judging from all the odd jobs i'm getting i'm worried. i probably may never get to do what i want to do if i dont say something soon and be constantly labelled as FOH manager. that is a thought, although i'll have no lack of jobs, which is rather scary and could potentially become my worse nightmare. i hope that never happens. i want to be in that box, fiddling with things. not outside it.

sometimes i look at my dreams and goals in life and wonder why i never chose a route which would be more stable. money is an issue, i mean, since when was money never an issue, but of course, i'm willing to overlook that and look at happiness as something to keep me going. music and theatre are probably the 2 most difficult industries to be in. especially in Singapore. in many ways i admire my friend Kamal, who's opened his own studio. it's a great big leap and a good one, but i look at it and say to myself, i'll never be able to go and do that. i'll never find the courage to take the leap of faith and pursue my dreams to that extent. i swear. i really respect my friend for doing what he did. i hope he's a success. i pray for that periodically.

i am going to see "nothing" this sat at the esplanade by Cake theatrical productions and i'm excited. it sounds like it'll be an experience, because Cake does have a reputation for being really avant garde and experimental in theatre. it sounds utterly exciting and i can't wait. :) i need to watch more of this kind of theatre. i think it'll be inspiration.

a shout out to my brother Nat, whose uncle just passed on. take care you. you're in our prayers.

ok. no more wax to lyrical.

sometimes love just aint enough.

kissed by a rose on the grey

i will willingly admit that i am one who is influenced by the people around me, and that reading an emo blog post makes me want to wax lyrical about all the things in life that make me happy. and because i know it'll make her cringe on the outside but secretly happy inside, this post is dedicated to my mussolini and spongebob loving "why are we friends" mystery woman number 1 stef "i sound like christina" neubronner.

because it's ok that i only know 360 facts and mysteries about you, and there's nothing you can tell me that would vaguely even shock or turn me off.

because all the teeth bearing, punching and sudden weak heart stopping antics is great and if it doesnt kill me nothing will.

because even fred or the most thunderous thighs wouldnt make me think you're any less beautiful than you truly are. (if it sounds i'm in love with you in a way that's more than platonic, just as long as you know it IS platonic, it's fine with me.)

because i know you will be famous, and you will touch so many lives one day. you just dont know it yet.

because you only need to lift a finger and it'll keep me laughing til the cows come home.

because you keep me inspired, enough for me to write a song about you. (that might be my first single :P)

because sometimes i dream, and i know somewhere deep within my heart we'll be on a stage together, whatever language we both choose to sing.

AND.

because i count myself incredibly and impeccably blessed to have been able to spend thursday mornings with you, and hopefully, alot more than just thursdays.


because ian mckallen isn't worth $200, but watching it with you is. :)

look! liting made friends in university! :)

ok. ENOUGH. i feel mushy. WAHA. :P

all that you cant leave behind.

OH SNAP!



Bowling for Soup - London Bridge

i am loving this!! watch it all you fergie fans! :D

when i come to the club step aside!

ambivalent

well. not really. i was just really struck at how i was more interested in the VT killing than in war, genocide and all that other bad stuff happening in the world. makes me wonder how do i know i really care for this world? because i only read news about the shootings, but turn a blind eye when the heading says baghdad?

maybe my best friend was right. when it's something out of the "extraordinary-ordinary", it catches your eye, when you're already blind to all the other extraordinary things happening around you. paradoxically though, even if i did care (i guess i do, but not to a large extent, sadly enough), what can i do? i doubt i'll ever find enough passion within myself to go and do something about it.

which is really an excuse, but i cant think of anything else. i suppose i'm just not one of those i'll leave my comfort zone types. i think we've established that some time ago. that, has to change, i think. if i am going to be a better person.

sometimes i wished i didnt have any excuses, and didnt have a choice. maybe then i'll achieve true greatness.

when god saved the queen she turned a whiter shade of pale

buses and trains.

The train ride home always got to him. not that it mattered that he was alone, but it felt like forever would never come, and he'd be standing on that same spot and never find his way home. To where it was all supposed to be alright, but it never is. He stares out his window and makes a passing remark to himself. Not that he's sure of what he's said; he just did, and he knew it wasn't important enough, so he doesn't mark it down.

outside in the rain there's a woman whose charles and keith heels are stuck in a drain. he ponders on that image for a while, but before he can think of something profound to say or something important to do the train whizzes off and leaves the woman with her wet suit and hair. it stays with him, that awful feeling that he could have done something, but when he gets to the next stop he already forgot what shade of pink her hand bag was.

when he gets there he tries to think of other things, of the course of the night, the laughter, the conversations, the crazy banter. the sound of her voice in his ears, the sound that would ring. he wished he could call it his. name it, and claim it for himself when he hears it again. maybe in some alternate universe, when he is a better person, the voice would call him her own. but til then there was nothing he could really do; the voice belonged to someone else.

which is just as well. at the next stop he drifts off into a sea of mental blur, not sure of what to do with himself as he stands next to the empty seat. there's a group of 3 people in front of him, and their adidas stripes and back turned caps lead him to think they are dancers. of course, he doesnt know for sure, he's just thinking. at one point he wished he could be like one of them. maybe she'll like it, maybe she'll see more of me. maybe. who knows.

but she doesnt like awkward guys in oversized shirts. the voice of rationality begins to speak in his head as he hangs on when the train comes to a stop. time to go home now, and to stop dreaming. perhaps in time, one day, when he gets on another train, his thoughts would be of the optimistic sort, and he can be carefree. but til then, he's here, next to himself with his ipod, listening to the songs that would in future be too painful for his aching heart.

i wished you would step off from that ledge, my friend.

i wish i was a punk rocker



one day. one day i will make music like this :)

359

that is the number of posts this blog has recieved since its inception, some years ago when i thought blogging was cool and worth going into. i've always liked to write. i mean, when i write, i find it easier to express myself. yet sometimes, all i have to do is smile, or touch (not in the ways people tend to think) someone and it's enough. when i get to that stage with people, the silences are like conversations that never end. and i like conversations that never end. because those are the conversations which i think are the most fruitful.

in passing...

acting exam this morning. after doing theatre for about 3 years, i've gotten used to being EXAMINED for my theatre, not doing it to entertain others. in many ways i think it helps, because you explore concepts that are theatrically sound, but not necessarily have to be entertaining. but anything you put on a stage now with the most complex theatrical elements in mind would appeal to me, so in many senses i must be a theatre buff.

i'm struggling to make coherent sense.

i need to study, but i havent the time.

i rather enjoyed acting, i must say. i've never thought of myself as much of an actor. there are many roles i'm comfortable playing: old ladies, crazy writer types and the odd hungarian man or 2. and then there are roles i could NEVER ever play. like bimbos, being bitchy, scantily clad women (think, for a second, if you really want to see me scantily clad. THINK.), or anything too feminine. which is why i think it was ironic when i told stef to act more feminine. it was as if i knew what feminine is, well. ok i do. i'm not quite a girl anymore, but not really a woman also. strange place to be, this position. ah well.

anyway. i miss my acting group already. i believe that nothing really bonds people like theatre does. Extended amounts of time spent in close contact with each other, and you know exactly what the other people are going through, the emotional baggage that is dug up to play the character, and the experience is no longer just yours, it's everyone's. at that point of contact it's hard not to get kinda close. closer than other project groups of course. :)


have i mentioned how much i love this theatre thing? :)

Thanks for the memories my fellow romanians. i love all of you to BITS. :)

what you got, they cant steal it, no they cant even feel it.

waxing lyrical.

yes. this post is going to be a tad emo.

stef realised that elmo, was really an "emo" with the letter "L". gotta say i was rather amused. :)

been seeing too much of vivo city this week. need to find a new place to hang out. but when you're in clementi and you're lazy to go anywhere else, you go to vivocity. because it's big, it's cold, and it's rather entertaining. rather. i dont know. what's everyone's definition of entertaining? haha. i think a mall should have things to do in it that are entertaining. not just shops. SIGH.

on the train home today i was with nicole, and we talked about the acting module, and all the shit that it feels like it is. i MISS TSD, more than i thought i would. in TSD, we were allowed to FEEL. to do what we felt is right for our theatre. We could put things together, pieces of theatre that i know, if i were to shove into the lecturer's face, i could legitimately challenge him to tell me that's not GOOD theatre. Theatre is ultimately an expression; a message that the actors and the crew are left with to translate into a palatable, understandable form. Who in the world is going to care if that's "so stanislavski" or "so Brecht"? i mean, they're great and all, they work. but getting yourself lost in a character screws with your head. Also, being too provocative makes you boring. i'm not saying we should appeal to the mass and go down to the lowest common denominator, but there needs to be a balance between theatrically sound ideas and being entertaining.

nicole and i came to the conclusion i was getting disillusioned. where's the real family? in marketing class i felt really bad for the last group. basically it felt like they had the most difficult marketing task; trying to market something that was, sorry to have to say, lacking in all of the unique selling points they covered. there is no family, (although a resemblance of it can be found.) it doesnt make you more confident (if anything it makes you so unsure of what you're doing), and it doesnt allow you to feel anymore (it's too technical and academic to do so.) i know i'm supposed to find happiness in what i'm doing, and not sulk and whine and be upset, but i can't help it. i mean, i'll snap out of it and of course, i am finding that family (thank God for the Neubronner.) that is supposed to be in TS, but at this stage, right at this very moment, i WISH that NUS TS would lighten up and encourage creativity. i want to be a theatre academic, YES. But i also want to be able to be engaged in creative things, and not have my creativity shot down because it's not "brecht" or "stanislavski" enough.

i'm just tired of trying to find that joy i guess.

i need some real VJ style theatre soon or i'm going to explode.

on the side, nicole and i started talking about the other JCs who have started to offer TSD at A levels. here's a tip to a certain JC who has lots of money somewhere out west: you may have the money for great sets and costumes, but you lose the real essence of theatre under all of those layers. why do you need them? are you insecure? oh. and. theatre's more than just about musicals. try something smaller. maybe then the loopholes will be covered up.

ok. i feel bitchy all of a sudden. gonna NOT say anything more.

losing my way.