lost in space.

like most of the rest of the world ... i am flying off to some continent far far away, and wont be back til the 16th at the latest. NYC here i come baby! :)

anyway. i am contactable on my handphone ... i just dunno what's the number yet. :P so. if you want to contact me while i'm having cheesecake on top of the statue of liberty, please check with either crystal or dawn or whoever you think i'll send my number to. for church related issues refer to either yihui or pao yin or alvin for my number. :)

i dunno if i have net access there but if i do i will blog. :)

the flight is on the 29th of november at 2355 hrs. :)

so from then on this blog shall be semi neglected.

anonymous, please tell me who you are when i get back.

meanwhile, i will be thinking abt all of you there. all of you lovely people will be missed. alot. dearly. gosh i miss you already.

if i dont come back, it means i've found myself a rich husband and married him ... or i've been mugged and kidnapped by al quaeda terrorists. please send ransom checks. :P

lastly. i love you all. :)

please take good care of yourselves and have a good time wherever you are. :)

when we're back let's get together for christmas. :)

good night people. i'll be missing you.

coz i'm leaving on a jet plane, i dont know (literally) when i'll be back again.

oh.

PS: vane: erm, i've found a commedia play with a female masked character. will fill you in when i get back. anyway the play's name is PLEASE BE GENTLE. there's 2 female roles. can choose. the book has mask designs too. haha :)

yup. IS shits. :) haha.

night night!

new york! new york!

let go of two.

for one thing, today, i'm at my lowest i've ever been for at least 2 weeks. today didnt start out as a good day. i woke up late, went to sentosa and took the bus around once before realising i shld have gotten off a long time ago. and then, as if it's not bad enough, i had a hard time looking for the rest of the crew. when i got into my swim suit and took off my t shirt, i mis-threw it, and it landed in the water. and then it began to rain. and then my tooth atarted to ache really really badly. and i felt sian for the whole .....

to sum it up. i didnt really enjoy myself at sentosa. i'm sorry. i wasnt too keen on going in the first place. but i did enjoy it when i was on the buses and trains alone, stuck in a world i am building around myself, shutting any humanoid out. what am i becoming? someone i dunno if i'll like. someone i dont know. it's just not who i used to be. i guess i didnt really like the old me in the first place? but i was so much more sociable and amiable. now i'm just a self-centered and self-absorbed thing that's not keen on human relationships. i think i'm scared. becuase i've gone and f**ked up too many good relationships just because i cant keep my emotions in control. i always seem to make simple things complicated. i guess i'm learning to live with myself? i dunno. to quote someone 'whatever that comes out of your mouth, someone might use it against you.' - how true is that? mebbe it's time to keep my thoughts at that. just thoughts.

which is highly ironic considering i'm actually typing my thoughts out now. i guess this is what's called thinking aloud? i dunno.

i've always felt i'm too self-centered and egotistical and what not, and it's not as if people say anything regarding that. i mean, sometimes you just feel like you're not doing enough for the ones you love. and sometimes you begin to question why you do what you do. is it for yourself? is it for that person? why the hell you care? why the hell do they care? why the hell do people love each other so much? why the hell do you love that one so much...?

why the hell did He love me so much? Why did He choose to die for me ...?

i guess we all struggle with questions like these; questions that can never be answered. i guess that's why people get so tired. we all search in vain for things that can never be found. like how i search for love in all the wrong places, and get angry if i dont find it. i am a self-centered loser, looking solely to fulfil my own happiness and only my own happiness. gah i am sounding all self pitying and all. it makes me sick.

i feel nauseated.

my blogging style has changed drstically eversince this blog started. it hasnt been a long time you know. i guess that's why i'm amazed.

this post like all the others is too self-centered. gosh i feel so selfish.

sometimes i get tired of this me first attitude.

solitude, joy and a whole lot more.

recently i've found the joy in being alone and all by myself. i mean, just going out and doing something by yourself. in fact, since i acquired my MP3 player, i've been loving the times where i can be myself. it's a good feeling doing something you like to do. i guess that's why i havent been posting thoughtful, depressing posts or deep stuff. i have become more self reserved and introverted than usual. i mean, sometimes i just dont need other people as much as i used to anymore. :) i am becoming more independent. haha. congratulate me. :)

this is not to say that i am completely not in need of people. i still need you all haha. as friends. to do what friends do. :) yup. :) i just thought mebbe i'd tell you all if you think i'm behaving stragely: not to worry. i am ok. it's just some changes in my life. :)

anyway, why isnt anyone taking part in 'guess what cho is doing?' :P haha scroll down for the picture and answer on taggie! :)

today i was thinking of alot of things. my mind was kinda filled with a lot of thoughts. well, mostly about human relationships i suppose. i was thinking about my relationship with my shi fu. :) i came to the comclusion that we're 2 very different people who by some interesting event suddenly started talking to each other. even though we have nothing much in common and dont talk much, i still think it's a wonderfully interesting relationship. :) and i know i treasure it as much as all the other one on one relationships i have. :) yay shi fu! *hug* :)

anyway, i am looking forward to my new york trip because i am looking forward to spending time by myself, with my family in a place where i am unknown. :) for some reason, solitude suddenly isnt my greatest fear, it's the most appealing thing to me. :) haha.

anyway, i have a part of a song i want to post. i like it. i can relate to it. :)

on an evening such as this, it's hard to tell if i exist.
pack the car and leave this town, who'll notice that i'm not around?
i could hide out under there, i just made you say underwhere?
I could leave but i'll just stay, all my stuff's here anyway.
- Pinch me, Barenaked Ladies

haha. nice song! :)

k lah. i thought about her today. i cant even say her name anymore. it just hurts. i am refusing to read her blog. bu i know she reads mine. call me cruel. but chances run out. love has turned sour and i am moving on. is it so wrong to do that? accept it. it's over.

God Bless y'all! :)

you think that i'm strong

of movies we've missed and people we love.

sat we went for an immaculate misconception. which was ok. i mean, not a must see. it's good lah, but not all that good. definitely not worth the $42 i paid for it though. felt cheated. ha.

anyway, there's a reason why i am blogging all this. Sat is still fresh in my mind. :) why? because i spent it with good company. we were supposed to go to the movies under the stars thing at Stadium waterfront, but it just could not be found. crystal and cho walked around for 30 mins looking for the place. haha. dawn and i were coming down from DBS arts centre and when we found each other at the foot of the bridge, we had already decided mebbe we should just give the movie a miss. haha. :)

so we all decided: 'let's go to leisurepark and eat!' but the place was a GHOST TOWN. for some reason there was NO ONE there, and the complex was closed. then we realised the carpark was empty and there was barely anyone around. it was like a scene in a horror movie. i almost expected someone or something to chase us around the carpark. anyway in a split second we decided to hail a cab on crystal's charge and head to dawn's place. haha :) no there were no sightings thank God. :)

anyway we were at dawn's feasting on pizza and then we went to the playground. haha. it was dark and almost not possible to see anyone. but it was cool. i think it's probably one of the best nights of my life. it wasnt a full conversation in particular, and we did sit there for some time just enjoying each other's presence. :) i never felt so at ease and myself. haha :) i guess that's what good company does to you. no more masks and pretences. it's just you and them. on the same side. :) i love you guys.

funny how sometimes pple you havent known for a long time become the people you love the most. ok not the most, but people you really love spending time with. one thing i fear alot, is that as you get to know each other for longer periods of time, it seems to me your friendship dies off. i mean, it's as if you go back to square one. i dunno. i fear that. i mean, i have faith in friendships to work at making them last, but then what if the other person doesnt have that faith or the willingness to work to make it happen? i will hope and believe that this will not happen. i have faith in these people. :)

anyway, i am very happy and contented coz today i went for sushi with my promo group. am super stuffed and super full. :) and super satisfied. with everything EXCEPT for the crappy crummy service at the restaurant. but they were nice anyway so i will not bitch. :P

i guess i've run out of things to blog about. i mean. there's things lah, but this is too open. dont worry it's not most of you :P

k am going. :) love you all! scroll down for the picture competition! :P

night!

ok pple here's the deal. on my tag board, guess what cho is doing.  

mid day blogging

i promised cho i wouldnt be late. this will be a quickie. :)

had a long conversation yesterday which may i add, i teared 2 times and was rolling on the floor laughing at least 90% of the time. i ended up sleeping at around 4 am. haha :P

and i know why you're worth being nice to: coz you make me laugh. :) it's that simple.

haha. ok ok ... cho is waiting ... pool time! blog again tonight! :)

the best soy latte that you ever had and, ME.

new skin

hehe. disaster has struck and led to this new and improved skin. hehe :P

no dawn you will not tell them what happened. :X

hehe.

heart attack!

testing testing. :) 

hari raya and mandarin oranges.

raudhah's house is wonderful. food, food and more food. what could be better? :) am very full and very happy. just too bad some people weren't there. was sad that they couldnt make it but ah wells. another time mebbe. haha mebbe my house during chinese new year? :) i promise no bak kwa lah rau. :P

highlight of the day: vane, in her state of not knowing what to bring coz we were visiting, brought mandarin oranges. yes. machum chinese new year. *cue for all to laugh.* :P there's a reason why her terrorist network is a subset of the bimbo cult. :P vane, you're BV no matter what. hehe :P

anyway. am filled with love. feel so loved haha :P yeah everyone thanx for tagging! *group hug* haha :P

anyway. am going to start talk abstract so bear with me :P hehe.

i think i have some STRANGE affinity with boys who like to suan me. for some reason, the closest guy friends i have like to take jabs at me and suan me until i have nothing to say. with notable exceptions, the rest of you should all be ashamed. suaning me is NOT a national past time. ha. i just felt like saying that. anyway, there's also something abt the barker boys i've met so far. haha :P no i dont like them. *ewwwww* it's just that i know 2 barker boys, and they 2 are the sweetest boys out of all the other boys i know. ha. :P so all you VS, RI and Marists can go and sulk in the corner and reflect. ha. :P Chinese High also. :P

ok for some reason that whole para sounded bimbotic. :P hehe. no i havent gone mad. i just felt like hitting out on boys. in feminist mood today. :P hehe

but here is a message to someone i have seen too much of: my buddy jon cho. :P

oui carebear. haha :P i am glad to have spent half this week with you. it has been fun, and i share your sentiments that the most fun i've had so far was when i was out with you and dong. EVEN though it seemed like 'suan-liting' day ... :P i dont know you very well but i think i know enough to say thank you because i know God has used you at least once or twice to speak to me. your faith is something i truly admire and getting to know you has been a blessing from God. :) thanx brother. haha. :) and STOP BURPING. :p hehe

ok now that that's done. haha. i am going to watch the rest of napoleon and hope that dawn comes online soon. haha :P

sounds as if i cant do without her.

hehe. hello? i CAN LIVE without her ok. :P

if i can live without *you* i can live without dawn. haha :P

ok this is starting to sound wrong. ha. :P

cutting the crap right here now. :P hehe

something beautiful will come your way.

carebears

i shall not tell you abt my day. it was fun. that's abt it. :) nothing i can say can describe it. :) let's just say it felt like i was going out with an old, married for a long long time couple. :P hehe

anyway. i failed cho's carebear test, but by order of my shi fu i have been crowned good luck bear. :P hehe so now i'm supposed to be green and have a four leaf clover on my tummy. ha. but picture this: cho with a big red heart on his tummy. hehe :P and now imagine cho is orange (whatever colour tenderheart bear is ...) and there you go. Perfect. haha. :P marvel at it! :D

anyway i decided not to go into any deep, thought provoking thing because i am too tired to think anyway. ha. tomoro we are trooping to rau's for hari raya visit. yay :) shall eat and get fat. :P it's not difficult if you're me. ha. :P woo hoo! :D conclusion: i am high. :P

well anyways ... did anybody realise that 'anyway' is my fave word? :P hehe

i have come up with some lists. bwhahaha. feel a love fit coming on again. :D

people i miss: (not in order in anyway whatsoever)
vanessa ho xi huei
crystal tan yan shi
valerie anne nunis
chitra padmaja
calin wong
wendy tan si ya
marian tan
wang nan bin
*you.*
shaun quah tze rhon
sarah wong jia
audrey tham
jene wei yi hui
isaiah tay wei jun
siti rohana
michelle wu ming cheah
priscilla hoo quee lian

people i have seen too much of: (hehe. :P no it doesnt mean i'm sick of you ... YET ... :P)
dawn tan ying hui
jonathan cho ken wei
melissa lim (:P)
raudhah fatin

(i bloddy hell wished those emoticons on msn could be shown here ... grr ... )

if your name is mentioned above: then you know you bloddy hell mean alot to me.
if your name aint here: ha you still mean alot to me just that i cant off hand remember you. :P

no lah: to all of you who read this blog: love you guys. :) hehe. and may i just add: the *you.* is the one i refer to all the time on this. yes. not the other.

shall not talk abt the other.

ok i am super evil.

well it's too painful. dont blame me. it's my blog and i'll say what i want.

ok i am evil. ah leave it.

am gonna stop here. cant think of anything. :P

love you all.

good luck bear :D

Ring ding diddle diddle aye-o! :D

This shit is funny. it is good shit for my toilet bowl. i tried to decipher the lyrics. shall make changes if wrong ... this is how i heard it... :D

Tom Lehrer - The Scotsman

Well, A Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair,
One could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share.
He fumbled around until he could no longer keep his feet,
and he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
Ring ding diddle diddle ah de-o! Ring Da diddly ai-yo!
he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

About that time two young and lovely girls just happen by,
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye:
'See young sleeping scotsman, so strong and handsome built,
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt.'
Ring ding diddle diddle ah de-o! Ring Da diddly ai-yo!
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt.'

They crept up on that sleeping scotsman quiet as could be.
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see.
And there, behold, for them to view beneath his scottish skirt,
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
Ring ding diddle diddle ah de-o! Ring Da diddly ai-yo!
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

They marvelled for a moment then one said: 'we must be gone.'
'Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along.'
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
Around the bunny star the scot's kilt and lift and show.
Ring ding diddle diddle ah de-o! Ring Da diddly ai-yo!
Around the bunny star the scot's kilt and lift and show.

Now the scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards the trees.
Behind the bush he lift his kilt, and gawks at what he sees.
And with a startled voice, he says to what's before his eyes:
'Lad, I don't Know where you've been but i see you've won first prize!'
Ring ding diddle diddle ah de-o! Ring Da diddly ai-yo!
'Lad, I don't Know where you've been but i see you've won first prize!'

hehe. :) the words in italics i'm not sure if they're accurate. i love this song. shit funny. :) haha. catch me on MSN if you want it! :D

k am gonna go. spent the day not thinking so i have nothing much else to type. feel liberated. :)

Ring Da diddle ai-yo! :P

salvation lets your wings unfold

yesterday i got $15 HMV voucher from Dong. and i used it to buy the Robbie Williams greatest hits album. It is VERY GOOD. i love robbie. in secondary school i had a huge crush on the dude. and he never fails to make me feel good when i listen to his songs. and his songs make alot of sense. it is a good CD. everyone please go buy it. :)

anyway, i spent the whole of yesterday with dong and cho. it was funny coz me and cho were left wondering if dong was 20 or in fact, 3. anyway cho acted like he was 5 so i felt like a deluded, deranged and very weary mother of 2. i do not want kids if they become like those 2. gosh. haha :P

i watched 'the forgotten' yesterday. IT WAS A COMPLETE WASTE OF MY $8.50. it is some stupid alien flick! gosh! i thought it was going to be some psycho thriller. but NOOOOOO! it was some stupid alien thing. it was slow. so slow that when i went to the toilet and came back, all i had missed was a conversation that tells the 2 pple how to find some man. stupid shit. DO NOT WATCH IT. :X

ok enough of me telling you abt everything. haha. been thinking recently abt passions and what they mean. PASSION. what exactly does the word mean? i am at a lost. hmm. i think the word is so deep, yet to me i see it as simply something you willingly and lovingly do. like i say i'm passionate abt music/theatre. to me it means i am will willingly and lovingly indulge in them. i dunno. PASSION has suddenly become such a big word to me.

and. what does the 'passion' of the Christ connote then?

aiyoh. my brain is not going to be able to take this. haha. i am gone. dont feel like blogging anymore.

night night.

love is all around

best things in life are free.

liting is a happy person. why? because liting spent the day with someone special. and liting was happier than she has ever been for a really long time.

imagine with me. at lunch we sat at the booth in macdonalds, you with your nuggets and me with my burger. i am hungry, though i had a plate of beehoon in the morning. i am short on cash again, and i am quite happy to live off you. come on. i only see you when the moon is blue. we sit across from each other, and like old buddie we tell each other all the stories we've missed. and you tell me abt people, how boys drive you crazy, and how it seems impossible for you to get into a relationship. i tell you abt people, how this one person drives me crazy, and how it seems impossible for me to get out of trying to get a relationship. i guess we sat and marvelled how different we were, before we sipped our drinks and ate some fries. then i look across the table and it feels surreal. everytime i see you it's like i feel like a better person. we talk more and more about things, and then i realise that i've missed you so much. i've missed this feeling of being simple and not complicated. this friendship is so simple. and i know how much i treasure it. as much as nothing can describe.

the rain pours outside so we sit and talk more. your mother calls and you invite me to your place. great, more time to spend with you. then we wait for your mother. and i tell you abt the someone i like. i tell you for once it's a normal crush. and then i deny i like that person. you just sat there and felt proud of me. and then at that moment i feel extreme happiness. how not too? because you are so close your opinion matters to me. and i am happy that i know you know that i am trying my best to change. then you give me the book. and i am taken aback, surprised at this piece of literature. at this point of time when i look back, i know you are a God-sent. this may very well be the book i need to read now. you explain to me how difficult it was for you to hide it for 3 months. i think that it is amusing. then i realised i need to hide it from my mother too. we laugh. it's a hearty laughter that keeps my spirits up. i know life is worth living.

we go to your place, and your dog rascal is being a real male, showing off his skills with the tennis ball. i think rascal loves me. coz for a small little dog like that, it sure has some strength, to push me against a wall and lick my face. it feels gross. then i think of all those things of how dogs lick each other's butts ... then i just stop thinking. coz at that moment i feel so much love i am high. i love your dog. rascal is the ultimate in cute. :D

i spent the whole day with you and we just talked, talked and talked. oh and ate ALOT too :P haha. i feel so fat. but spending the day with you made me realise: that there probably isnt anyone else in this world who i know will always be there for me, who always cared for me, who always can tell me something bad about myself and i dont get offended. i know you are the one i always want to be there for, to hug you when you need it, and to tell you straight in your face you are short.

VALERIE ANNE NUNIS: i love you. we have come a long way, and i know that we have a further way to go. that's one journey i am looking forward to. like i said. you're good crap. and i'm a toilet bowl that doesnt mind it. :P hehe. ok ok ... not a good analogy. :P but heck. you know i do love you. no i am not 'in love' with you. and no i am not suicidal. i am just blessed.

"i'm your angel" - R Kelly and Celine Dion

No mountain's too high, for you to climb
All you have to do, is have some climbing faith.
No river's too wide, for you to make it across
All you have to do, is believe it when you pray.

And then you will see, the morning will come
And everything will be bright as the sun.
All of your fears, cast them on me
I just want you to see ...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I hear your voice when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone I'm here,
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are,
I am your angel,
I'm your angel.

I saw the tear drops, and i heard you cry
All you need is time, seek me and you shall find
You have everything, and you're still lonely
It don't have to be this way, let me show you a better day

And then you will see, the morning will come.
And all of your days will be bright as the sun
So all of your fears, just cast them on me
How can i make you see?

Chorus

And when it's time to face the storm
I'll be right by your side.
Grace will keep us safe and warm,
And I know we will survive.
And when it seems as if the end is drawing near,
Dont you dare give up the fight,
Just put your trust beyond the skies.

Chorus.

Stinky: that was for you. :)

no matter how far you are. I'm near.

Orange jumpsuits. :P

no dawn you shall not paint it. it'll spoil the image. :P

ok godeatgod today was OK lah ... but abit dismal coz i didnt quite get the whole idea. haha. ah wells. i am after all, a country bumpkin. so i guess this is above me. haha :P ok no lah ... i just dont know what to make of it. it's just so ... weird to me. yeah. i cant find a better word. leave it lah ... it isnt something i feel worth remembering.

felt anti-social today. for no reason. weird.

is it possible to look good in an orange jumpsuit? i wonder. :P

k lah i dont want to blog anymore.

will be back.

hehe ....

flood ....

flood.

dont read too much into things. how in the world did we get to this place on earth? coz we make simple things difficult.

ok i go.

this is my version.

took a test i found on my shi fu's blog. haha :) results!!!


free enneagram test

haha. you shld read this:

Type Two
The Helper
The caring, interpersonal type. Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

haha. it's like quite true. haha :P

GPF awaits! bye bye! :D

reached the rainbow's end.

am currently not doing anything productive or anything useful for my future. sometimes i just feel like i should be studying or like doing things that i want to do (like lose weight or exercise or something) but it never gets done. i lack the drive and the passion to do all this. ha. it is disturbing. it's like i need something drastic to make me move into action. take studying for promos: plan was to start A MONTH before. digress, distract, slacked ... until only abt 2 weeks before i started. i'd probably have done better. but hey. am not complaining. i did well enough for me to sleep well at night. ha. maybe life isnt so dismal after all.

spent the day marvelling at the beauty of project work. under the layers of OP, GPF and WR, there was something positive to PW. it was the group work. by tues, i will have no more excuse to hang out with people like sarah, rau and shaun, 3 humanoids i have come super close to loving. ok no i love them to bits. :) i was just thinking today that it's amazing how seemingly randomly we got grouped together. i remember the first time we came together as a group. i barely knew rau at all, shaun was like 'just some guy in A52', and sarah was that christian friend i met every morning when i used to go for YFC at the grandstand. now. now it's all different. :) Rau is princess of chocoland and fellow lovesick puppy. :P shaun is the one person i find it amazing whenever i agree with his views, and sarah, just plain ole sarah who i know i will remember for her crazy laughter and her conversion to christian rap :P under my influence. haha :) i love you VJC157. we've grown together so much this year. VJ life would have been pretty mundane without PW (OMG i cant believe i just said that!) :P am gonna miss the fellowship, the food and most of all the stupid laptop. i think our group is brilliant. look at how we churned out our WR and OP. the same miracle WILL happen for GPF. :D *now hearing the case of VJC157. all rise ...* haha. :)

it occurred to me recently how extremely easily i show affection to people. i go on periodical LFs: 'LoveFits', where i tell people how much i love them. remember that post some time back? i wonder if it's like a bad thing to show that much affection on a regular basis. it's like it loses it's meaning. like if i say 'nice' like sarah says: it is overused. i mean, so many things are overdone and overused and people get sick of it. is affection affected by the same phenomenon? haha. i dont know. but in my pursuit of loving people i have too often let myself get hurt too easily. funny how, sometimes i wonder why i give love and get hurt in return. i mean, i get love too. and it far surpasses the hurts. but isnt it interesting that you love to hurt? as in you love someone in exchange for hurt in return. i'm not saying we must love and expect something in return. it's just amusing/amazing how the world works. honestly though, in a relationship, expectations will come. like in any human relation there can never be NO expectation. at some point of time there will be something to expect, something that will cause disappointment. something that will hurt.

one thing i do believe though, you must love in order to get hurt in order to learn. re-read it again. it makes sense. if life is always smooth sailing, how would you know what to do if you hit an iceberg suddenly? the titanic thought it could weather anything. but it didnt. so what if you think you're the titanic? it SANK. and as long as there's people, the icebergs will always keep coming. sometimes a collision or a shipwreck is good for you. you might find a new island or a new glitch in your ship that needs repairing. i guess my point is, the more infallible you think you are, the more easily you will fall. and if you never allow yourself to learn, there's only one end in sight: the bottom of the sea. hmm, philosophical liting has entered the building. :P

these are like super random. haha. how in the world does life and PW have a link?? :P hehe. i am thinking up all these on the sport. i ROCK. :P

oh yeah. my insecurity is an issue. it's always been i guess. it's always been like, there. but recently it's been thrown into my face, squashed all over my cheeks like a cream pie. it's painful to believe that suddenly, i've become smaller than i've ever been in my life. and for one thing, this is a shortcoming i am NOT going to try and accept. i will not accept feeling like i live in the shadows of others. i guess the fact is i dont. there are no shadows to live in. there's no concrete way for me to explain why i am the way i am. but i guess i can say that alot of things that happened in secondary school are still scars that cant seem to heal. and i can say quite safely that's where all my fears came from. yep. that's the most credible argument. heck, haha why do i even bother?

if this is a serious mental problem: please call MOH. i need a break :)

hmm. i wonder if i am really super not confident or just attention seeking. ok i'm not sure how that's linked. haha :P

k lah. i am going off. PW awaits.

am currently missing: people i havent seen for awhile.
am currently loving: everybody. :) [it's NOT overdone.] :P

i dont understand the world at all.

the whole concept isnt simple. it's brilliant

ok i just watched before sunset today. BRILLIANT movie. i just cant exactly remember quotes from the movie. but everyone must go and watch it. it is the most brilliant film i've seen this year. everyone must so go and watch it. now i want to watch before sunrise. haha :) cool man. like really cool.

one thing that did strike me though, watching the movie, was the part when she was going on about how all her ex boyfriends are all happily married while she's still single and not quite happy. it struck me that yes, people seem to move on too quickly. people do seem to move on too quickly. i know i'm guilty of that. but then again it's been almost a year. is that moving on too quickly? i mean. you miss someone you've loved before, then each day the feeling fades and you find that one day you wake up and you just dont think anymore abt it all. it FADES INTO OBLIVION. i guess for me to have been the one who told the other to go, it felt like it didnt have any impact on me. but the effects of that breakup took me apart. it hurt too much you know. i just HAD to move on. so quickly and now i know i've left you by yourself again. and i feel no guilt. because people must move on. mebbe it's time you moved on too.

shit you, dont blame me. even if it's my fault for re-establishing contact. even if it's my fault that somehow you were led on? even if i did things that cld have hurt you. bloody hell i'm half the person i used to be. i have changed. so much i guess i dont want you to know me anymore. i'm afraid that there might be something to stop me from moving on. i'm afriad that i might fall back in love with you and ruin my life by my own choices. i guess i didnt know what to expect. i guess i didnt know what to do. f**k it, i cant blame you.

let's just leave it at that. my thoughts are like realy random now. grr, dont take everything at face value.

ok on to brighter things.

36 was usually packed today. everyone trying to get out to orchard and just run around doing stuff. of course that's what we were doing too. us VJ kids. out after mother tongue AO, just looking for a place to chill. sure we all happened to be crammed in the back of the bus, sure we all happened to be noisy. but then again which group of students on the freaking bus keeps quiet??

so here's what happened. there was this woman lah. she was extremely neurotic i think. firstly, we were just laughing alot on the bus. now i know that we can be noisy and i know that we can be annoying but let's face it: which group of singaporean students wide awake on the bus does not make noise? and it's not as if we were shouting or what. we just talked, laughed. yeah.
so anyway, this woman starts to act abit weird lah. she sits infront of me and rau and then talks aloud to the person next to her (they dont know each other by the way) trying to tell us SUBTLY that we were noisy and inconsiderate. like she was saying really loudly that we were being inconsiderate and what not and expressing her irritation trying to get us to notice what she said. ha. we noticed, but what the hell are we supposed to do? so we just continue talking lah. it's like we dont hear her at all.

then we are at abt one stop before cine. the outburst comes. she turns around and starts shouting at us, telling us in our faces how inconsiderate we are and how pissed and angry she is, how the whole bus isnt interested in our conversation la-dee-da. like hello? at the TOP OF HER HIGH-PITCHED voice. like the whole bus wants to hear what you've said liddat. like your voice very nice to hear meh? like you alone, your voice was louder then all of us lah. the highlight of the whole thing was when arika started to talk back and point all of that out to her. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i think she didnt know what to say lah! then she like said we had no shame and all that. haha ... it was amusing lah. i think she was really unreasonable. we werent exactly noisy. just laughing. perhaps she cldnt laugh and so she reacted that way. i dunno lah.

then we got to cine bus stop and rau announced we were getting off. and that woman went: 'i'm following you!' and got off with us. now everybody, pls marvel at the ridiculousness of the whole thing. it was just so funny. i cldnt keep it in ... i just had to laugh out loud.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. rau said she was stalking us. makes me wonder ... i think she was interested in our conversation after all. :P hehe.

ok lah ... i'm tired. that's it for today. the first part of this post was really random. it's all innner thoughts coming through. do not mistake it for being manic depressive. yeah :)

trying to write a classic.

it's gotta be said and done.

i'm kinda tired to posting depressive posts so this shall just be a low post. not a depressive one. been an eventful week since my birthday. chinese tomoro and i can only say i am as prepared for it as i usually am for every other test. i believe passing aint the problem. it's the grade i'm worried about. B4. at the best. C5 at the worst. SHOULD be can one. :)

i am blogging today because i have things i need to say but i cant bring myself to say it to your face. yes this is to you. no not YOU you but you. the one who showed up at my party. YOU know who you are lah. ok to make it more clear, not the usual You i refer to on my blog.

You:
i dont have much to say. i guess it just felt weird suddenly seeing you so much suddenly. it was just, a big blur. pool on wed, seeing you on monday night, the hug, the talks ... everything. just so unreal. i guess in a sorta way i thought i was ready. until you kinda 'jumped' on me at the airport and hugged me. it felt ... strange ... holding you in my arms again. i didnt exactly feel the warmth or peace that usually comes with a hug so long. i mean, i hugged nadia on wed for the same amount of time and i actually felt much more at ease. i am trying not to be brutal here because you dont deserve it. but i only have one solid thing to say lah. it's all in this song.

Leave Right now - Will Young

I'm here, just like I said,
Though it's breaking every rule I've ever made.
My racing heart, is just the same,
Why make it strong to break it once again?

And I'd love to say I do,
Give everything to you
But I can never now be true.
So I say,

I think I better leave right now,
Before I fall any deeper.
I think I better leave right now,
I'm feeling weaker and weaker.
Somebody better show me how,
Before I fall any deeper.
I think I better leave right now.

I'm here, so please explain,
Why you're opening up a healing wound again?
I'm a little more careful, perhaps it shows.
But if I lose the highs, at least I'm spared the lows.

And I would tremble in your arms,
What could be the harm?
To feel my spirit calm.
So i say,

I think I better leave right now,
Before I fall any deeper.
I think I better leave right now,
I'm feeling weaker and weaker.
Somebody better show me how,
Before I fall any deeper.
I think I better leave right now.

I wouldnt know how to say,
How good it feels seeing you today.
I see you've got your smile back,
Like you say you're right on track.

But, you may never know why.
Once bitten, twice is shy.
If I'm proud, at least I should explain;
I couldnt bear to lose you again.

yeah. i hope you understand. the only thing i can say is sorry. i guess we're not ready.

in love, hope, trust. don henley's playing on my comp now. this playlist is too painful.

there's a danger in loving somebody too much.