we're one but we're not the same

i didnt realise how much i missed you until i read your blog again. SIGH.

*today, liting reflects on a deep, intense 'R' Word.

ok it's just that i've been thinking too much about wanting to get attached, to the point i think i'm just so desperate. but it's ok. i'm fine with being single. if you can't deal with being single then i don't know how you will survive. because at the base of it all, there is no one, who will be with you ALL your life. perhaps rau was right. we are all essentially alone.

but i refuse to submit to that.

for one thing, we ourselves, existing as individuals, are alone only because we choose to feel alone. loneliness is an inevitable thing. it comes, and goes; it's a part of life. because everyone needs a break and some time alone once in a while. but we're all creatures made for companionship, and we're creatures who compromise. so we can get together, as long as you WANT to get together with others. if not, it's just a normal state of mind that everyone goes through. so much so, that it should make us treasure our human relationships more.

while, perhaps we ARE essentially alone, how we live doesnt have to be alone. why add insult to injury? it would just be a double whammy, and you're making life harder for yourself. i do think that it is kinda impossible to find that 'PERFECT' carbon copy of you. the 'perfectly congruent' companion does not exist. perhaps i was naive to think that way. you may be similar, but the way you react, the way you do whatever is just totally different because your background is totally different. which is why it is IMPOSSIBLE to clone another Hitler or Pol Pot; they wouldnt turn out the same.

i think the one thing i really wanted to say is this: i choose to be single, doesnt mean i choose to be alone. i'm waiting for that most suitable companion, and throwing hopes of a perfect match away. in fact, i think it's these little differences in character that make human relationships all the more interesting. if you're looking for a friend who's exactly like you, then waht's the point? just look in the mirror every morning and talk to yourself lah!

:)

ok i better go DO something before i slip into a coma.

moon: where'd you go? i miss you so. seems like it's been forever, that you've been gone. please come back home.

peace out! the world awaits you.

watch you sleep so peaceful and serene.

5 day hiatus

i am slacking in the office again. sleepy and groggy as usual, but really no motivation to work today. i need to psyche myself up. so. hmm. i wait to be excited.

anyway.

i dont know why, but for some reason, i cant lose my temper at people. i went to M1 this morning to get my handphone bill problems settled and this idiotic M1 is just getting on my nerves. BUT. i was strangely very civilised and calm about it. i just didnt think it was very useful to lose my temper. because you can kick and scream and shout but that person behind the counter is just going to stare at you and then like some freaking broken record, repeat exactly what she said before, so what's the damned point in losing my temper?

and. i miss people. ALOT of people. SIGH.

missing: 2/5, TSD, CMC. STINKY!!! GAH.

ok. my brain is dead. GAH. sigh. post again when i'm alive.

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

when you're worn out and tired.

if i do not respond to smses or phone calls, it's only because stupid M1 has cut my phone line. and they refuse to reconnect it until i get home today to check the cheque number. i am VERY pissed now. this is so irritating. i sent the cheque last week, and they didnt update their accounts stuff.

so. i am uncontactable. for at least the next 24 hours.

which, actually, could be a good thing. to disappear for awhile, just be with myself, no one to bother me. well, ok i'm in the office so there's a lot of people around, and i think i can at least still recieve phone calls coz i have free incoming. well. so much for being 'uncontactable'.

i'm heated up but i managed to stop myself from screaming at the customer service person. i put down the phone and breathe, hoping to find some sort of nirvana. AND THEN this freaking M1 sends me a message:

'Pls rate the service you just received from M1 officer. 1-VG, 2-Gd, 3-Avg, 4-Below Avg, 5-Poor.'

i dont know how to respond. to say it was 'VG' would be a total lie because you just cut my line damn it. and to say it's 'poor' would just be because i am angry. for one thing, i really dont see the logic in that. GAH.

anyway.

it's another quiet day in the office. i hope i dont get sent out on an errand. if i have to make a phone call it'll be the bane of my existence. ARGH!!!

!@#$snflaeiuf@#$%^eljkvneoi#$%^&hnrt*******()$%ubidfvbale*****fuibvleifuv*****!!

ok. i am through with my rant. getting on with life.

where hope keeps shining on everyone.

i just wanna sit and stare at you.

everyone knows i'm not one who's good at letting go. i mean, it's not easy for me to just 'get over it'. moving on is one thing; carrying the baggage is the scary thing.

well, which explains why i can say i'm ok after all that has happened. i am ok. just, tired and not thinking about it. and i've been threathened, which is not something i appreciate. it just makes moving on harder to do.

anyway.

here i am sneaking in a morning blog post in the office. i realised that mrt rides shouldnt be spent sleeping. they should be spent in observation of the strange demography of singapore. well, actually, i was reading 'the alchemist' and getting inspired.

(i hope my boss doesnt suddenly appear. yikes.)

'One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.'

if anything, reading 'the alchemist' has made me realised that life at it's very core is about the choices you make, the decisions you think through, and the consequences that come with it. that life is not exactly pre-determined. it is written so that man may make choices. i dont believe much in fate, but i do believe certain things are meant to be. but it's really about what you do with these things that were meant to happen that make up the very essence of life. so every person has a choice how his or her life turns out. there's no such thing as being born into something and being unable to change anything. when a person finds that out, it is like what the alchemist says: 'the whole universe conspires to help that person realise his dream'.

ok. you know, it's too early in the morning for deep reflections on life. i cant believe that within the last 2 waking hours i've come up with that deep revelation. i am such a sucker.

anyway, calling for FRONT OF HOUSE volunteers. newly appointed FOH manager seeks young and energetic persons to volunteer for CABARET FOH. please call if interested. :)

anyway. i should start work now. hope sotong is having fun in bangkok.

and i hope you're happy.

signing out! :)

hey there, lonely girl.

would you light my candle?

i'm giving up. if i hang on somemore, it'll just be harder to let go.

oh what'd you do with my candle?

grease is the word

ok this post has NOTHING to do with grease. just that, in preparation to watch GREASE, i'm listening to the movie soundtrack. and i want to watch the movie again, for like the 8th time. haha :P i really liked it because of the energy, the music, everything.

i suppose that's what really attracts me to musicals. it's EVERYTHING i live for, thrown together, put on stage. especially rock musicals like RENT, and GREASE, and also, those i havent seen, like MAMA MIA, SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER and WE WILL ROCK YOU. so. life time achievement for me if i watch all of these. oh and JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR. i wonder if GODSPELL fits in this category, but i loved that too :)

then of course, you've got your standard more mellow, but still very infectious musicals like JOSEPH AND THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOUR DREAM COAT, WEST SIDE STORY, SINGING IN THE RAIN, MS SAIGON, LES MISERABLES, THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA, BOLLYWOOD DREAMS, FIDDLER ON THE ROOF, and so many many more which i can't think of. CATS, CHESS, ANNIE, STARLIGHT EXPRESS, AIDA, CHICAGO ok ok do i need more to prove what a musical freak i am? OF COURSE. CABARET. haha. working and staring at the damned thing everyday, it slips my mind. haha. oops. :P

i tell you, if i get to work musicals for the rest of my life, i'll be SO SO SO HAPPY. and i know, that is WHY, i must fimd myself on BROADWAY one day. one day in my life, i tell you, i WILL GO THERE. and WORK BROADWAY. i may not be the first, but, i WANT TO BE THERE ANYHOW.

here i am, setting out my dreams. ha. and then tomoro i will proclaim that i want to do something else. haha :P i'm like that. my loyalties towards things, go EVERYWHERE.

anyway. haha. i'm bloody freaking confused now. dunno what to do with you. GAH.

ok i'm going to get back to work. :)

forget regret, or life is yours to miss.

to whom it may concern, in these desperate times.

Simon Webbe - Sanctuary

Can't keep a flower underground
Can't keep the sun from shining down
And I can't make you stay
You feel your world is undefined
You feel that what you need is time
Open up your wings and find your way

And I won't try to hold you back
And I hope you already know that

Chorus
I'll be your sanctuary
Be the last one left here standing
If you're feelin all alone
When the world feels so temporary
And you think there's such a long
Long way to go
You're all ready home
You're home

You might be somewhere flyin free
The same sky is watching over me
Close your eyes and look around
What ever ocean that you cross
Thought you many drift you're never lost
And I will be your solid ground

Cause I know that inside my heart
Gonna get back to where we started

Chorus

You're already here in my arms
The way that you are tonight
Just give me till mornin' comes
(It's gonna be all right)

thank you JU, for running. you've been one helluva great person to hang out and chill out with, but also very sensible, (i think.) when you talk about serious stuff. i hope you start eating soon. dont let this new diet of yours affect your health. thank you, for being there.

SOTONG, i DONT care if you think this is gay. but thank you. for at least being there as well. for trying to help, and for giving me hope. while hope is lost from now, it's ok. coz i know it will come back again someday, when the sun decides to come out again. and. it's not your fault ok. problems DO NOT ALWAYS come because of you. it's NOT YOUR FAULT. so dont try to shoulder the blame.

MAD COW: thanks. for mooing with me. haha. and also, for being the messenger. :)

thanks man guys. i'm not worried about the whole issue anymore. i dont have the strength to do that.

well. ok. sleepy.

loving him still, after all this time.

Nickelback - Saving Me



i love the concept of this video. watch it! even if you dont like nickelback. i think it's a brilliant concept! :)

say it if it's worth saving me

i would love to love you.

From The Inside Out – Hillsongs United

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

Ever so often you find a song that really really moves you. and then you realise how human and how real the world is. and then you realise, that a song is all it takes. it's all it takes to bring you back. it's all it takes to make you love again.

i am not reformed, dont get me wrong. i'm just ... blessed. that God is still able to move me (like anything's impossible for Him, but hey, my point really is that i'm not that hard after all.). i'm still a mess, still struggling, but at least i'm still swimming and not drowning yet. :)

anyway. what an eventful day it has been. and as i've said (A THOUSAND TIMES I KNOW.) i've been through it before. whatever you want to believe i dont care. i've just been there before, and so, i understand. :P it's not even a 'been there done that thing'. it's just, i KNOW. hahaha. i wish you 3 all the best. :)

and i still love you. even though it's getting more and more difficult to allow myself to. i think i just want you to be happy. and i want to be the one who makes you smile.

ok. enough sappy shit. i'm hopeless.

just 2 lost souls swimming in a fishbowl year after year.

anything to just feel better.

tell me what to do
you know i cant see through the haze around me,
i'm gonna try anything to just feel better.
and i can't find my way,
God, i need a change.
and i'll try anything to just feel better,
any little thing to just feel better.

it's just been so rough lately i dunno what else to do. i cant reach out for help, because i dont dare. i am sorry world.

dont worry i'm FAR from suicidal.

moody lah. just, out of sorts.

lord, i'm coming home to you.

j-lo glow and legs to spare

i dont know what it is, but it's shining like a star.
so come on over, and show me who you are.
A little closer, i can't touch it from a far.
Just you and me girl, dirty dancing in the dark.

did i mention i just love simon webbe? :)

why are we fulfilling these downfalls and these prophecies?

it's funny, how i'm finding a little bit of a younger me in these 14 year olds. there is always a reason why people cross paths, and i think i have a lot to learn from these younger kids. i know i see life in a different perspective from them, because i guess i've matured, and they will get to where i am (ok, i hope at least not as screwed up.) but what they can really teach me is how to be without restrain. as adults, we become more and more old and wise, but so much more restrained and concious of our surroundings. we lose spontaniety. which is something i had very little of to begin with, but i'm discovering the beauty of it all over again.

i have much to relearn. i want to be a big kid, or a kidult. i refuse to grow up, but i want to be responsible. so. i wanna stay around my early 20s for as long as possible :)

i'm not too sure what this whole post has been about, but, well, i'm just typing at random.

i've been too out of sorts lately to think straight, so you can't blame me. this must have been the longest time i've been in the same rut. ARGH.

HELP.

too many things to distract me. which explains why my driving has gone down the drain. i almost almost ALMOST crashed into a car today. sigh. i just suddenly lost concentration. instructor was talking alot of shit lah. and i was really out of sorts by the end of the lesson. driving is stressful. i feel like giving up.

ok. i think i'll stop here before i sprout nonsense.

if i could tell the world just one thing it'll be, that we're all ok.

new phone syndrome.

i was diagnosed today with an acute case of new phone syndrome, the latest virus that is spreading through singapore. the pandemic has broken out of control, and there is absolutely no cure. while not fatal, this disease has serious side effects, such as slow fingered smsing, and multiple missed calls. the only way to overcome this deadly virus is to learn to live with the symptoms, until it becomes a way of life.

cause of disease: nokia 6280

somebody tell me i've reached the epitome of lameness. hahahah. :P

anyway.

i am being forced to blog again. so i shall first reply to some tags.

random people: i'm not free on mon, unless the class party stretches into the night. (PLEASE DO THAT!!!) i want to come. leave is out of the question. my boss will have my head chopped off. HOWEVER. i WILL be on leave on the 19th (FRI!) because of some matters i have to attend to in the morning (wah lao eh, so formal! haha!) SO. if you have it on FRI :) the world will be at peace.

deserie: please take care. like, sleep more and drink lots of water.

anyone else? hmm. i dunno. haha.

ANYWAY.

i need to go settle some NUS financial matters or i may never have a degree. SO. i'll blog again. SOON. :P

just you and me girl, dirty dancing in the dark

there's room to grow.

ever had a life changing experience? a moment in your life that seems like it's a transition, moving from the old to the new, so that that ever constant flow of change can keep going. so that when people move on, you move as well.

it doesnt have to be some big life changing experience you know, it could be small minute little things like changing phones, or using a new email account. the slate starts again, CLEAN, and it seems as if a nes chapter of your life begins.

my old handphone died a long time ago. most of you know that if you try talking to me on the phone, i cant hear you, or i dont pick up at all because it's on silent but there's no vibration. it's that bad. so my life changing experience of the week is making that transition, from old phone to new.

yes i am buying a new phone, but i havent actually BOUGHT a phone, which is why i feel this life changing experience is hanging in the balance. basically, this is life changing (or life 'moving') because i really feel like i'm leaving a chapter of my life behind, and moving on to something better. last night i scrolled through my sms inbox and read all my old msgs. and i realised that i usually keep very sweet messages, or messages that were meant to inspire me, or inspired me even if the sender didnt mean to. looking through my mail box, i realised that alot of these peopla i havent seen in weeks, months, (ok not years lah. i exaggerate.) just people i havent seen for such a long time i fear that the will fade to become memories. my fear, of course, is that they will progress from memories stored in my inbox in my brain, to being deleted, like most of the sms i had to delete yesterday. i dont want to forget. at least i know it's in my power not to forget. but i can't stop them from forgetting.

i suppose that's how life works. some people stay constant, while others come and go, fade away and become deleted sms. i realised how easy it is for me to erase the physical presence of someone in my life, but the forgetting for REAL, in my heart, is just difficult. which is why i think i'll have to resolve to NEVER forgetting. the point is how to take being forgotten in my stride. i suppose i handle it pretty well. (suppose. SUPPOSE.) but there's still much to learn, because it hurts. and i get angry and bitter. i dont think you can blame me. but i know that i still need to learn. there's so much more 'moving on' that can be done.

ever so often, you know someone is for keeps. and i'm just glad that i can count at least 3 people that i know are for keeps and will be there for me as far as humanly possible. one of them once told me that (having 3 people at least who are your real friends) is a feat some people never achieve in their life time, and here i am, 19 and going strong. this list will grow. i know it. because that's just me. :) there are some bordering on the sides going to enter the list soon already :P

i think very early on in my life i figured that if the world cant be there for me, then let me be there for the world. which has always been a philosophy for me. sure, it makes me sound like some kinda altruistic (i'm not altruistic, i know it. look for explanation later.) good hearted person who is selfless. maybe i am. but i think you gotta understand that's how i live with myself. knowing i'm a good person. so perhaps, it's for my own sake that i do this, which in itself is kinda selfish isnt it? so i'm not altruistic. just an insecure freak who needs this.

ok enough early morning ranting. need to get back to work. i am going to post song lyrics again. haha. oops. :P its just that this morning i heard this song and realised how much i miss my homies. it's one of the most beautiful songs i've heard in my life. and it has so much special meaning for me. :)

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's room to grow, hey, hey

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
Even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance,
freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself

And did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And did you fall for a shooting star
Fall for a shooting star
And are you lonely looking for yourself out there

i love you. :)

deep fried chicken.

Eve 6 - Here's To The Nights

So denied,
So I lied,
Are you the now or never kind
In a day and a day love
I'm gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing to be had,
Are you cool with just tonight?
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Put your name on the line
Along with place and time
Wanna stay not to go,
I wanna ditch the logical
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

All my time is frozen motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to good bye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to good bye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

I HAVE A PLAN.

(well maybe. heh. :P)

i have something for the both of you.

ok not literally. i just thought it was a nice blog title.

so today was amusing. at lunch this weird apek came to me as i was waiting for sherry to return with lunch at maxwell market.

apek (in chinese): here got people sit?
me (in broken chinese): err, only one person.
apek: orh. ok.

apek walks away, lurking around my table as i am puzzled by why he doesnt want to sit down even though i was sitting alone at a table for 6.

apek's friend: err, here can sit?
me: yeah can, only one more person with me.
apek (eyes widen): oh ok! (sits down) (continues talking to me) aiyoh, i tell you ah, now so difficult to find seat. look at me, i look like lee kwan yew correct? liddat also no body give me seat.
me: Err ...

i WAS SO AMUSED I HAD TO STOP MYSELF FROM LAUGHING.

and you know what? he DID look a little like a deranged LEE KWAN YEW.

and especially after all the elections shit, it's just funny. hahaha. :P

and it's only a mohawk people, dont get so worked up. hahaha :P my mother has threatened to cut my allowance. i am irritated. because it is my hair. GRR.

anyway. i am worried. the two of you ah. make me worry only.

btw, desperate to see the mohawk? THURS :D

ok only some of you will see it lah. but. :)

k i gtg. final theory tomoro and havent studied.

god above all the world in motion.

truth hurts.

listening to 2 people today i was transported back to that time when i was younger, alot more naive, and still loving freely. crushing here and there, falling in love, making myself love sick and going gaga. i remember that time. a time that was just more free. at least i wasnt afraid that i might be 'in too deep'. i was still that unrestrained young person, that hopeless romantic and that sweet person someone eventually fell in love with. and so i ask myself now, where has that person gone?

it was a time i knew who i was, even if you tell me it wasn't real. at least, my identity didnt scare me. now i'm older, wiser (i think. i dunno.) and alot more cynical. and even more confused. who am i? what am i doing here? am i a walking mistake?

this is why i'm so scared of growing up.

i miss it you know, loving without restrictions, not having to know why i was in love, or why i felt someway about someone. it's just difficult now trying to live with myself. and that's the problem. i can't live with myself, whatever way i choose. because at the end of it all, i still hurt. and in a simple word, that just SUCKS.

i guess being with the 2/5 bunch have allowed me to discover that i can be crazy, juvenile and young again, but honestly, it's like a fantasy. when i'm with them, i forget that i'm 19, older, and i used to be their teacher. i become that young, bright eyed optimist who used to be so free. living for the love she had, and living not for reality.

in the words of the cranberries: it was just my imagination.

i've just cut my hair (can i hear a collective 'again'?) and now i REALLY look like cock, because i've gone and done it and gotten myself a freaking mohawk. yes. and i'm loving it.

i think it's very funny that i want to do things to go against authority, but i'm so afriad of getting into trouble. like my hair for example. i knew my mother wouldnt be happy, but i still did it anyway, just coz i felt like it. i do sorta miss my nice long fringe though. but whatever. i have a mohawk now. so sue me.

anyway. about a week ago i had a very disturbing dream. without going into much detail (not that i remember much anyway.) all i remember doing is telling someone to 'f*ck off, go away, f*ck you.' and it really scared my because this person and i have unsettled disputes. so. i think it was a manifestation of the feelings that i have, the anger at the pain she made me go through, and the whole reason why i'm so screwed up now. i dunno. maybe it was JUST a dream. but for me, if i have a dream i remember, it's rarely JUST a dream.

i know one thing's for sure. i am f*cked.

i hope it all turns out well. really wanna see something good come out of this situation.

coz she's loving him still, after all this time.

Simon Webbe - After All this time

After all the broken stones
That were thrown, for no good reason
Inside, she is loving him still
after all this time
And though her heart bear the scars
No sign of healing
It's All right
She's loving him still, after all this time.

Ohh yeahh

Trying to push the past away
Still waiting for the lights to change
Try, try for the sake of their pride, pride
Learning to barely feel the pain
the thicker the skin the less the strain
And though it's really hurting
She aint breaking, breaking, breaking
Coz she's loving him still, after all this time

Now he knows his weakness shows
Selfish soul, never changing
That's fine, because she's loving him still
After all this time

And to the outside eye
You see you found a different guy
And it all seems perfect, and that's how she wants it
Coz she's loving him still, after all this time.

Trying to push the past away
Still waiting for the lights to change
Try, try for the sake of their pride, pride
Learning to barely feel the pain
The thicker the skin the less the strain
And though it's really hurting
She aint breaking, breaking, breaking
Coz she's loving him still, after all this time

After all this time....
After all, after all, after all this time

Bones have to grow, and age it shows
Though we try and hide it
Inside, she's loving him still
After all this time
And behind his tired eyes, she sees the boy with his arms wide


Who made her feel like an angel
Ohh that's why she's loving him still
For the rest of her life, she's loving him still
For the last of many miles
She's loving him still
After all this time

this is a gorgeous song. :)

she's loving him still.

morning blogging in the office

on my way to work today my ipod played wonderful wonderful songs. one really hit me, but i can't remember what it was! grr. i want to put the lyrics up on my blog. because i remembered suddenly why i love music so much. the very essence (for me at least) is in the lyrics. and well, it doesnt take much. simple songs with very simple lyrics can touch me as much as songs with far out and abstract lyrics. but i have now, in the course of writing this, figured out what the song that touched me this morning was. (actually, i scrolled through my ipod and back tracked the songs i heard this morning. heh :P)

i suppose there's many types of family. people you love, know and want to spend time with. or people you just have no choice and by circumstance are stuck with (not necessarily a bad thing. depends on how you look at it.). even people you don't know, but are sorta connected to, linked in some sorta way. a family, to me, is a community. with layers. and the closest family are those at the innermost core, the ones closest to your hearts. the ones you will really care about. the ones who call, and you dont even have to think, you'll say: "i'll be there asap." the ones who you dont mind splurging on, or even doing things for them. the whole point of it all is that family, i think, at it's very best, makes you who you are. it makes you love, which gives you compassion to face other people. it gives you faith, and an ability to believe in yourself. it gives you support, so that you are strong enough to support others too. and it makes you feel like you matter, and in turn, they matter as much to you.

the painful part of it all is when a family splits up, whether by circumstance or by the choices that people make. it hurts the most, because it's the family that you open up the most to. but the saving grace is that, these 'temporary' families come and go, and when one closes, another one opens up. the point though, is that we cannot exist all based on the 'temps'; everyone needs permanence. and sometimes, you think a family is going to last for a long time, but it eventually will split up. people will go, people will come. the unit becomes parts, but the beauty, i think, is that period of time you shared with them. and also, the desire to want to stay together. i think that's the most important thing ever, because without it, the family wouldn't exist in the first place.

so i am grateful for the families that i have been a part of. because though some of the units may not exist anymore, i'm still in contact with some of the people. and all these individuals become that one true family that has become permanent, the true 'love(s) of my life'. i am incredibly blessed, yes. and just glad, that even though we don't always meet, when we do, it's a beautiful completion to something we began. so i refuse to think that man exists alone, and even though we have people around us, we're still basically alone (sorry rau, can't agree on that.). i believe alone is the time when you prepare yourself for the next time you will meet up and connect. and it's prep time, that only makes connecting with others all the more sweet.

i am contented. *grin

so here are the lyrics. might be bittersweet and possibly have nothing to do with what i just posted, but hey, it's a good song. :)

Ode To My Family - The Cranberries

Understand the things I say
Don't turn away from me
Cause I've spent half my life out there
You wouldn't disagree
Do you see me? Do you see?
Do you like me? Do you like me standing there?
Do you notice?Do you know?
Do you see me?Do you see me?
Does anyone care?

Unhappiness, was when I was young
And we didn't give a damn
'Cause we were raised
To see life as fun and take it if we can
My mother, my mother she hold me
Did she hold me, when I was out there
My father, my father, he liked me
Oh he liked me, does anyone care

Understand what I've become
It wasn't my design
And people everywhere think
Something better than I am
But I miss you. I miss
'Cause I liked it. 'Cause I liked it
When I was out there
D'you know this, d'you know
You did not find me, you did not find
Does anyone care

Unhappiness was when I was young
And we didn't give a damn
'Cause we were raised
To see life as fun and take it if we can
My mother, my mother she hold me
Did she hold me, when I was out there
My father, my father, he liked me
Oh he liked me, does anyone care

Does anyone care 

ok maybe the lyrics abit unsuitable. heh. but. nice song nonetheless. :P what the heck lah! haha. it still managed to spark off this very nice long reflective post.

LT the blogger is back. and with a vengeance. :)

bittersweet evocative song

excuse me for being apathetic

when people have firsts, it almost always affects the way they percieve a particular thing for the rest of their lives. say for example, at your first driving lesson, you crash; inevitably you will have fears of crashing all the time for your subsequent lessons, or even when you've gotten your license. so i had a first today. and i tell you, it's not a good one.

the SDA political rally at Pasir Ris park was a total let down. maybe it's the way i look at politics, or whatever, but after this political rally, dont blame me for being apathetic.

(caution. politically strong views that may be biased are about to be expressed. in the words of MMLee, so sue me.)

i guess in some sense i do belong to that group of Singaporeans who are NATO. No Action, Talk Only. but well, that might change. for one thing, this whole general election is just totally bull shit. the whole problem with the political system is NOT that we have a one party majority, and will continue to have one for a long time. the problem is NOT that there is little political action. The problem is NOT that no one dares to speak out. The PROBLEM is that, politics in Singapore is on a trivial, petty level. the PROBLEM is that there is no serious politics taking place in Singapore. it's all about missing forms (by a certain Gomez), apparently false accusations (by a certain party, not that what they said is true, but why this petty way of fighting politics?), the NKF (it's over damn it. move on.) and other very trivial matters like how the HDB is trying to cover up it's mistake by not building lifts on every floor of every HDB block. ladies and gentlemen, may i welcome you to the land of lilliput politics. where the small things matter in elections, and the larger picture is never mentioned. in fact, these 'broader' horizons are kept down because of the debate over small things.

sure, some of the things that the opposition suggests have some weight, because they do affect my everyday life. but what i need from an opposition party is not that they will always be around to hear our grieviences, not that they will push for upgrading, but more of what their vision for singapore is. what is the big picture? what do you have planned for me in the future. how will you make it easier for me to improve my situation? i dont mean the little things like money i can save on upgrading. i mean the real things, like policies, like plans. something to TELL ME THAT I CAN TRUST YOU TO DO IF I VOTE FOR YOU.

my experience at that damned rally was just dismal. first of all, the candidates are hardly the best speakers around. i wasn't really engaged. and they couldn't really speak very well, so it worries me what they might say as my MP in parliarmentary debates. and well, ok. i did pick out one thing which was good. the fact that they want to introduce competition in the parliarment, so that the ruling party will be forced to perform better. that is one credible plan. however, that was it. i didnt catch a single impressive promise at all.

the pattern of speeches takes the following structure:
1. what the ruling party has done wrong. (then the speaker goes: VOTE SDA!)
2. elaboration in a highly charged manner that resembles angst. (then the speaker goes: VOTE SDA!)
3. promises that the party will do the opposite of the ruling party. (then the speaker goes VOTE SDA!)
4. and finally, it ends with VOTE SDA.

and you know what's funny? i have absolutely NO IDEA what the hell the SDA is planning to do. all i heard at the rally was (yes you guessed it) VOTE SDA. and all the issues he raised had a considerable range in terms of importance. upgrading, which i feel, should never be an election issue because it's something that is on going, and especially not in a constituency like pasir ris where most of the blocks here have been undergoing upgrading. the other important thing was of course being transparent about the financial reserves of singapore. but even then, it was really just to justify the need for a welfare state which i feel, while it might help some, will disassuade others from actually getting on their 2 feet to work.

what really gets to me is the whole way the rally speeches are structured, of which i feel the ruling party is not spared. first and foremost, most speeches are meant to discredit the opponent. while this is a good strategy (well, duh. coz then you'll seem the stronger of the 2) you sorta need to focus on what you can do better, than what the opponent cannot do right? so something is really not right if you can point out my opponent's flaw, but cant make clear to me that you can possibly do better. at the end of the day, you just want to defame your opponent (who in this case, unfortunately has a credible track record) and people walk away from the election uncertain of your capabilities. my point is, in summary, that i WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO. what's in store, which should already sound impressive enough to make the opponent look bad, without you having to point out that those who wear white shirts and pants haven't quite measured up. that is what i think, would impress people enough to vote for you. so dont tell me what the ruling party hasn't done, but tell me WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR ME.

and you know something, Singaporeans aren't so easily bought over. you can keep repeating VOTE OPPOSITION. do this, and i'll give you better shelters and lifts in every HDB flat. i need YOU to tell ME what i stand to gain from voting for you. WHAT CAN I EXPECT. ok i'm repeating myself a little, but my point is that singaporeans are intelligent. i think what's important is what the big picture plan is. the thing is, i think politics in Singapore lacks a certain substance. i dont freaking care what one party says about another, and all the freaking law suits, the cross fire etc, about the most trivial and insignificant things. dont distract me with these small things.

and the opposition, i hate to say, is a freaking joke. they really aren't at the top like the ruling party, yes, having a somewhat more down to earth feel and knowing more about the common people, and so, giving them a voice. but this voice, is just too immature and naive. the whole focus is wrong. what we need is a secure future, not new lifts. i havent been to a ruling party rally yet, but i think, the SDA just can't really measure up.

not that i'm entirely for the ruling party. i think i stand in between, unconvinced by either side.

i dunno if i made myself clear, but there's just no SERIOUS political action in singapore. so how do you expect singaporeans and young people to take politics seriously? dont charge youths with being apathetic. there's just nothing good enough to be passionate about.

(suddenly i have this feeling that the education system was designed with making singaporeans think that politics is just not serious enough in singapore for them to care)

so. i hope i've made myself clear. this is the end of a political rant. (hey, i tried.)

we've been betrayed.

will i lose my dignity

posted something yesterday but it screwed up my blog layout so i decided to delete it. wasn't anything important anyway. :)

talking to stinky online at work just now made me realise just how different i am from my friends whom i am closest to. maybe that's why i connect with 14 year olds? or is it just because i've been spending too much time with them, that has caused me to seem a lot less intelligent compared to my 19 year old counterparts.

it's like now when someone says i'm retarded, i believe they might be right.

anyway.

i am not sinking into depression thinking i'm less intelligent. i'm just not the intellectual kind who writes alot. i write yes, but my style just isnt like that. i guess we're not all gifted in the same way. i think it best that a blog reflects the real you, your style, your personality. and i'm not that kinda deep intellectual (ok i exaggerate). there's nothing wrong with writing like them, but there is also nothing wrong to write the way i do.

i may be friends with some of the most intelligent people i know, but does that mean we have to let intelligence come in the way of friendship?

maybe the whole point is that i think with my heart, and not my head. or maybe i'm just far less mature than many of them. which, is perfectly fine with me. the point is i dont want to grow up. yes. i do fear it, this whole issue of growing into an adult. yet from another point of view, i'm not quite young. i feel like an old fogey sometimes. i think i'm stuck in the middle of it. netiher here nor there.

and i think i've spent the last 20 minutes writing this lament trying to make excuses for why i feel like i dont fit in anywhere.

i wanna go back to school and do stupid things.

the truth of the matter is, i miss my JC friends. ALOT.

and 2/5, good luck for MYE. :)

where have all the cowboys gone?